Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 20:59

Please let us know you're safe and not with him tonight; you've been really brave today

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 21:12

Hi all. He is away with friends tonight. I am safe here tonight. I'm just sorry I let it happen after the first time. Just don't know how to explain that to the police. You've very kindly pointed out the pressure and confusion I was under so thank you for being so understanding.

OP posts:
Whenyouseeit · 03/01/2018 21:14

I dont think you asking him to put on a condom, or even agreeing to his demands, mean you consented.

When I was 19, I was mugged (im not comparing the two, just my reaction). A woman approached me at a bus stop and demanded my bag and jewellery. I handed it over and calmly asked for my house keys back. I also waited while she assessed the value of my late grandmothsrs ring and decided I could keep it. I believe I thanked her. She never actually threatened me.

The police told me that was a very common reaction. There was an implicit threat and I complied politely to keep myself safe - and I negotiated to reduce the harm because I knew I couldnt stop it. I was in shock.

There is no suggestion I consented to being mugged. The fact that when a man who raped you the night before demanded sex you gave in does not mean you consented to either act. None of this is on you.

LavenderJamMyArse · 03/01/2018 21:18

You didn't "let" this happen - please stop blaming yourself. You didn't cause this - he did. ThanksThanks

Quartz2208 · 03/01/2018 21:22

Did you let it happen because you were scared of what would happen and his reaction if you did? Because if so that would fall under coercive control and the police would understand

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 21:29

I let it happen because I believed he would wear the condom. I was going to control the sex. When I was putting the box down I didn't expect him to suddenly enter me from behind. As soon as he did that I knew he'd taken off the condom but he ejaculated so fast I didn't have time to say or do anything.

OP posts:
ThatsWotSheSaid · 03/01/2018 21:31

whenyouseeit's post sums it up. You are not to blame.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2018 21:36

@Jaquithefirst do you think you are allowed to refuse sex? If you aren't in the mood and your BF is, are you just allowed to say, "no" and that's that? Because it seems like you don't actually believe you're allowed to refuse. For the record, if you don't feel like it, aren't in the mood, don't want to do this or that thing, you just don't have to. Full stop.

You don't have to answer but I am wondering about childhood abuse or neglect.

Sparklesdontshine · 03/01/2018 21:40

Do you have your own place, or do you live with him?

Willswife · 03/01/2018 21:41

I would also encourage you to go to the Police.

You have been raped and nobody should get away with it. Furthermore, it may stop him doing it to someone else.

Do not judge or blame yourself.

UnicornSparkles1 · 03/01/2018 21:42

Please use tonight to pack up your things and get far away from him. You can figure out things like the police later. First you need to make yourself safe and you are not safe in his house.

bobstersmum · 03/01/2018 21:43

You poor thing you need someone to look after you, have you any family that you could tell? I'm sure anyone that cares about you would want to knock seven bells out of that scumbag!

mumof06darlings · 03/01/2018 21:54

Hi

mumof06darlings · 03/01/2018 21:57

Sorry posted too soon but I just wanted to say "it's no way your fault". You consented to sex with a condom- not without and you clearly said "no" aswell. Please don't be hard on yourself. The more you analyse this, the more muddled you could get so just take it easy on yourself. You were not to blame. You put your trust in your partner and you were let down. 💐

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 23:10

I am safe in the house tonight. A bit jumpy and anxious. Am meeting friend tomorrow to see what to do next. I can't stay here but friend says she will find someone to take me in. If not one of the women's organizations then someone else. I will take the evidence from the house with. The thought of going to the police is terrifying and please don't get upset with me but a part of me still thinks of him as my bf. I have never lived anywhere for long since childhood and I thought by living with a man who had his own house that was over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 23:12

I don't have family I can rely on and only a part time job so it's pretty scary. Just hope the police don't laugh at me because of allowing him second time. Sorry being pathetic.

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 03/01/2018 23:18

The police will take you seriously. You didnt allow him to have sex with you the second time either - you put a condom on him and he took it off, had sex with you and ejaculated before you had a chance to stop him. That is also rape. Sex is meant to be loving and caring about what the other person wants and how they are feeling and if they are enjoying it - and most of all - if they want to do it!

I am so sorry this has happened to you, and i hope he gets what he deserves. I'm so glad you have a friend for support Thanks

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 23:26

Thank you Heart of Glass. My anxiety is just up a little bit. My friend was telling me about someone who was raped and the policewoman was quite hard on her. I don't know if I can hold up under questions. Will she ask what I was doing in the shared bed the night after I said I'd been raped just wearing a nightie and no knickers and then putting a condom on bf. I really want some good to come of this.

OP posts:
anxiousnow · 03/01/2018 23:33

The police will not laugh at you Jaqui. No one will laugh. You did nothing wrong. He did. Let your friend support you.

Mxyzptlk · 03/01/2018 23:33

The first thing you need to do now is protect yourself. So collect up all your important belongings eg passport, bank cards etc and pack up, ready to leave in the morning.

Madcatter · 03/01/2018 23:36

OP you're not being pathetic at all. You've already achieved so much. You've started this thread, told your friend, got the MAP and started to think about what next.

I know it's difficult when you can't fall back on family. But remember you got by before you met the arsehole so you can get by without him again. Judging by the way he's treated you lately, I'd hazard a guess that he's probably worn your confidence down while you've been with him. It suits men like that to have you scared. You've been thrown into a terrible situation and you're dealing with it amazingly.

user1471495191 · 04/01/2018 00:07

I am the 'user' who commented early on in the post. Can I be quite blunt and say that you really need to leave this man. He is not a boyfriend or a partner to you. He has abused you. You deserve so much more and can do so much better. I would guess that he has actually been undermining and wearing you down slowly since you got together. The insults etc are designed to make you feel bad about yourself and give him power and control. As others have said, I don't believe that he doesn't remember or didn't know what he was doing. If that was the case he would have been mortified and apologetic the next day (not that this would have taken away from the severity of what he had done). I have known a lot of people who have come from chaotic backgrounds, people who chose homelessness over life at home or who were left homeless by families as teens. I have seen them get their own place, find work, get an education or a trade and build their self confidence. You can do this too. Nothing can be as bad as living in fear of being attacked and assaulted in the place you call home, the place you should feel safest. Please get out. Please get help. You can do this. Please believe us.

SleightOfMind · 04/01/2018 00:08

They may have to ask you some horrible questions just so they can get a clear picture of what has happened to give to the prosecutors.
You don’t have to press charges if you don’t want to but if you go to the police now, they’ll have the evidence and you can decide what to do later.

Also, the police will put you in touch with people who can support you to leave this horrible man safely and calmly.
That’s the most important thing right now.

I’m going to sleep but hope to hear from you tomorrow. You need to get away from this to a better life.

Heartofglass12345 · 04/01/2018 01:02

You did nothing wrong, you could have been naked and he still had no right to do what he did. Please just remember that. They will probably ask you some very difficult questions but its for a good reason. You can do this Thanks

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 02:46

Sorry everyone. I was just obsessing and in the middle of an anxiety attack. You're right and I know you are right. It was just what my friend said when I told about the second night and how he entered me by surprise when I was putting the box of condoms back she asked 'how did he enter you so fast' and I told her I wasn't wearing knickers and she gave me a look. My original intention was to control the situation and I can't help thinking if I'd been wearing knickers it would have slowed him down and I could have controlled the condom situation. It's stupid but I can't stop doubting myself. If I can't believe in myself I can't expect the police to.

OP posts: