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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 03/01/2018 14:25

Love I’ve been where you are. I wish I had had the advice and support of mumsnet back then.
My attacker was never prosecuted because it was so long after it happened that I even put the word rape to it. Even now to this day, I talk about it in a scarily detached way- back then I didn’t, but it’s just part of my history to me now. I regret like mad never going to the police. But I know I couldn’t now.
You have the opportunity to right now go to the police and have a rape kit done. You can tell them as you have here, what happened. Let them decide whether what he did to you was rape, in the eyes of the law- I guarantee it is.
And the scary thing is, he did this to you with such little care, I would lay money on him having done it before and he will do it again to unsuspecting victims. That’s not me putting any future victims as your fault, god no, but just want you to understand that people like this see nothing wrong in their actions. They absolutely will reoffend, just like he did it again to you. He has no feeling of guilt, he doesn’t remember it therefore it didn’t happen or doesn’t matter- if he cared, you think he’d have gone drinking again?

gingergenius · 03/01/2018 14:33

What @Ellendegeneres said. Don't leave it. So many rapes never get reported. So many men think what they did was acceptable.

It's happened to me. It's happened to so many, as I'm sure MN will show. If everyone reported this stuff, maybe more men would think twice about sticking their unwanted chicks where they don't belong.

I sincerely hope you get away from him to somewhere safe and consider the advice you same here to find.

gingergenius · 03/01/2018 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sophia1984 · 03/01/2018 15:47

Not sure if anyone has suggested his as haven’t read full thread but the copper coil is the most effective emergency contraception and can be inserted up to 72 hours after. I’m so sorry this happened. It is not at all your fault.

Sophia1984 · 03/01/2018 15:59

Sorry,can be inserted up to 5 days after

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 16:24

Ellendegeneres that's exactly it. Such little care. It didn't cause him a seconds bother to destroy/ impregnate the poor op or ignore her tears. Literally meant nothing to him. So so disturbing. I'm so sorry this happen.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2018 16:31

I hope she knows by now.
If not then please tell her you need her to not judge you.
You need some support.
You need her to remain calm.
Then tell her and show her the thread.

Lostflipflop · 03/01/2018 17:12

Hope you are ok OP?

Please take Ellen's advice

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 18:30

Hi Hieveryone.It's been a very long day. I'm safe at the moment I met my friend in Costa and asked her to come with me for a Map. I didn't tell her why. I explained that I had started a thread and showed her my phone. There was no way I could have explained it in words.
She read my first post and was horrified and almost sick. She was very sympathetic and nice. She read all the encouraging posts I received. She was talking about going to the police. When she got to the part where I had sex with bf she was angry and upset. She couldn't understand and said that I had ruined my chances with the police. She asked me why I had let him enter me from behind when I should have known that he would remove the condom.
I don't think I explained it very well in the post. As I said he came home drunk and demanded sex.I was in bed but not sleeping and hadn't really slept since last night and was very tired. I reminded him of what he had done last night. He was apologetic and now know this was a lie. I agreed to have sex with him of he would wear a condom. I was meaning to full control of the sex. I took a box from the side of bed and put one on him. I was just wearing a nightie but no knickers. As I turned to put the box back he grabbed me by the stomach and entered me. Just like the night before he just held it in a far as he could. Before I could react he ejaculated inside me. He pulled out and fell back on the bed. As I sat on the bed I felt semen coming out of me and the condom nowhere to be seen. I went to the toilet and squatted over it. Ten minutes later he comes in and shoves me off.
I realize that I should have allowed him sex but it all happened so fast I couldn't control the situation.
I expanded this to my friend and she understood. He will not be in the house tonight because he is with friends. We are going to decide what to do next.

OP posts:
Ellendegeneres · 03/01/2018 18:39

I have to admit this thread has affected me more than I’d like. I can draw such strong parallels to what op describes.
I often wonder what would happen if I approached the police with a view to chasing a conviction against my attacker. But I know that my bipolar would be used against me, my many attempts at suicide following it add to the picture of someone not mentally well. And I hope to god he gets what’s coming to him.
I wonder who I’d be now, had I gone to the police. I wouldn’t be scared of my own shadow for years, I know that much. I wish I’d known then what I do now.

Op please don’t read that thinking any blame of future victims, any guilt is for you to bear. I’ve been told directly that if my attacker reoffends it my my fault for not going to the police- I couldn’t get up for weeks following that. But the thing is, you are not accountable for someone else’s actions.
Right now, you need to make sure you’re safe and away from him. Consider what I and others have said, but make sure whatever your next steps are... that you take them for you. Nobody else.

Ellendegeneres · 03/01/2018 18:40

Sorry op, cross posted

ByeByePrivacy · 03/01/2018 18:47

Huge well done for telling your friend OP, that is a massive step. You have the MAP and support. Do not stay at the house alone in case he returns with his friends.
I would take the advice of all your support here and contact a rape centre or the police. As great as your friend is fr support if she has no experience or knowledge of this she can't advise you, so listen to the people here for experience or knowledge advising to what to do.
But you've taken a huge first step in leaving this vile vile man x

Dreamingdreams · 03/01/2018 18:50

You don't need to explain or justify your actions. You didn't consent to sex without a condom and NEVER have, which he knows. When you're in a relationship with someone you want to trust them and can't always believe what's happened, so you give them another chance, and that's all you've done.

Dreamingdreams · 03/01/2018 18:58

When you're in love you want to believe the best about your partner, and so you make excuses for their behaviour, when really, deep down, you know it isn't right. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Whether or not you report it is up to you, but either way, you can still get counselling to help you work through it.

Madcatter · 03/01/2018 19:05

Hi OP. I'm glad you've told your friend and have got the MAP. I know I've mentioned it before and don't want to repeat in a 'putting pressure on' kind of a way as it's totally your choice but I do think it's worth going to a SARC. Apart from anything else they're trained experts who can reassure you and help you work through your questions. I know lots of us are telling you it's not your fault but I wonder if it'd be useful for you to hear that from a professional iyswim? Whatever you decide I hope you get away from him asap.

DoinItForTheKids · 03/01/2018 19:09

I really would phone the police and ask to be referred to the nearest SARC (sexual assault referral centre) so that they can log the rape, gather evidence (also take the condoms and any clothes) and you need to find a way and a place to be safe. This man is very abusive and very dangerous. Have you taken your MAP already?

Please, PLEASE go to the police. You would also be able (I believe I'm right folks) to take out a non molestation order against him as well so that he's not allowed to contact you. You could discuss all of this with them. I really think you should do this tonight OP.

You've been incredibly brave today, well done.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 19:15

Hi thank you all. You got over the first hurdle. I have space to reflect on what I'm going to do next. The thought of the police scares me. I hope and policewoman will understand. I know it was stupid to allow sex after the first time and this will cause problems but I feel in a better place. You people are wonderful.

OP posts:
sugaredstrawberries · 03/01/2018 19:18

Just read the FT, absolutely shocked at what I've read Shock OP, I don't have anything much to add that PP's haven't already covered but just wanted you to know that we all stand with you and are here for you Thanks

ToffeeUp · 03/01/2018 19:26

No, you weren't stupid to allow sex. It was safer for you to do so. He is a rapist and wanted a repeat of the previous night, there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. He demanded sex, do you believe he would have taken no for an answer?

You have been very brave today, be kind to yourself Flowers

DoinItForTheKids · 03/01/2018 19:38

Yes, Toffee is right - you've done incredibly well today OP.

One of the reasons why it happened again because this can be what happens with abuse. Your brain slows down to try and process the horror of what's happening to you, plus you're a nice person so you cannot even begin to comprehend that what happened once would actually happen again! Plus there are actually three possible responses to awful highly stressful things happening, not just two. There's fight, there's flight, but there's also a 'do nothing' option. This is very very common as a reaction. It's just as aligned to keeping you safe as fighting or running away would be - by doing very little you remain (to the eyes of your partner) non-antogonistic and that can keep you safe from what could escalate to an overtly physical assault where physical violence is used to coerce you into the act because you're fighting the person.

No one can know how they will react and your brain told you what to do given the circumstances you were in at the time. So don't criticise yourself in any way at all.

Please tell me you will not be in the house when he returns from visiting his friend OP?

I can assure you, the specially trained staff at the SARC WILL believe you and would guide you through every step if you decided to report. For now, please please be sure that you are safe tonight.

Ijustlovefood · 03/01/2018 19:45

I think you know he raped you as you wouldn't be posting this on here. I'm sorry he did this.

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 20:03

It's totally to be expected that you would have let him have sex with you again. I'm speaking as a survivor myself, though I was a child so obviously not exactly the same. But I remember lying down and just letting it happen. It's about keeping yourself safe, he's stronger than you are so what choice did you have? Even when you consented, and gave him the condom, what choice did you really have?

You have nothing to beat yourself up for, really.

Pixiedust1973 · 03/01/2018 20:13

I am worried that he will come back tonight & bring his friends with him. Sad PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE protect yourself OP & get out NOW! Your wellbeing is in jeopardy if you remain in that place!

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 20:19

Glad you told your friend and got the MAP. Regardless of whether you choose to report or not, please get yourself away from his house though. He has already been physically abusive as well as sexually abusive and proven he can't be trusted.

I agree with what toffee posted, you didnt enter willingly into sex, you did what you thought was best to get through what was happening.

Just as a reminder of the relationship rape stats I posted earlier:

The survey also found that partner rape entails the highest occurrence of multiple rape (62%) and attacks by partners and ex-partners are more than twice as likely to result in some injury to the victim (39%) as attacks by strangers (19%)

Mrsemcgregor · 03/01/2018 20:19

It is absolutely not your fault. You are not in control of your actions when you are in a situation that your brain knows is dangerous. You go onto autopilot and your subconscious does what it needs to do to survive a situation. It can look an awful lot like compliance, but it isn’t. It’s survival.

He knows you do NOT consent to unprotected sex. What he does is what matters, not what you do. HE is wrong. HE is a rapist. You are surviving the best you can.