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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:

MrsDilber · 04/01/2018 03:25

This reply has been deleted

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Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 04/01/2018 03:47

OP you sound very young. How old are you? Please don’t take any forensic material away from your home. This needs to be gathered at your home for a better outcome for any Case.

huha · 04/01/2018 03:55

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Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2018 04:06

OP please get the morning after pill if you haven't already to prevent a pregnancy.

I agree you need to get away from this man, so sorry this has happened to you, it is not your fault.

user1471495191 · 04/01/2018 05:26

Agreeing to sex the night after he raped you wasn't the best move

FFS. Shall I just keep quoting the stats about the percentage of relationship rape cases which involve multiple attacks??

In 2002 the UK Home Office published the findings of a British Crime Survey to which 6,944 women had responded. Nearly half (45%) of rapes reported to the survey were committed by perpetrators who were victims’ partners at the time of the attack. Strangers were responsible for only 8% of rapes reported to the survey

The survey also found that partner rape entails the highest occurrence of multiple rape (62%) and attacks by partners and ex-partners are more than twice as likely to result in some injury to the victim (39%) as attacks by strangers (19%)

Several posters have already very eloquently explained why the OP's actions on the second night were understandable....Believing they were in a relationship, believing his explanation of being drunk/not remembering/reassurance it wouldn't happen again.

There is also the implicit threat of danger/violence which could have meant the safest action of the OP (once in that situation again) was to comply.

I would also be interested to know how old you are OP? Your age might make a difference as to what support options available to you.

Lizzie48 · 04/01/2018 09:21

The OP is also possibly a vulnerable adult with her MH issues? Do you have the support of a psych nurse, OP? If so, that would be the first port of call. If not, as you're on medication, you should be able to access support from your GP surgery easily.

Slanetylor · 04/01/2018 10:05

Ok. But right now you don't have to convince anybody of anything. You haven't gone to police yet so I'm not sure if you are going to. But that's ok. That doesn't mean you don't get the hell out of there. Get out of this relationship now. It doesn't matter if you have a strong case or not. He's a bad man. He raped you. He will rape you again. You will get pregnant. If you feel strong enough to report him, do but right now all you need to do is get out and get help.

Original poster

Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 10:23

Hi I'm not really young. I'm 26. I'm just can't put the events of the second time in any way that doesn't sound like I put myself on a plate for him.

OP posts:

Ellendegeneres · 04/01/2018 10:51

Alright look. I am a statistic. Mine was ‘relationship rape’ if that’s what it’s called. It happened multiple times. I won’t post details- that’s my business- but it happened more times than I can probably count. Much of it I’ve blocked out.
I can say with absolute certainty, at times I ‘consented’ (read was coerced) because I was terrified of being in pain and worse happening. Because I figured if I had some ‘say’ over it happening I had some control. More than ten years on, it still affects me.
Op, please continue to post for support if you feel able. Here to talk whenever you want, as always x

user1471495191 · 04/01/2018 11:30

for you Ellendegeneres - I hope my 'statistics' posts haven't offended you. You and your experience is so much more than a statistic, I was really just trying to emphasise to the OP - and several other posters who are persisting to post unhelpful comments - that rape within a relationship is much more common than many people realise or wish to believe, and that it is common in this type of situation for rape to occur more than once, as well as the fact it often goes hand in hand with violence, aggression, threats and other types of coercion which go someway to explaining why those people who experience this type of abuse can feel so trapped or guilty. 'Consent' is not proper consent unless it is given freely and willingly.

mumof06darlings · 04/01/2018 11:47

** I'm just can't put the events of the second time in any way that doesn't sound like I put myself on a plate for him.

But you didn't. You have every right to go bed dressed or undressed - it's your choice. Some people wear clothes to bed, other people like to sleep completely naked. That's a personal choice and it's not asking to be raped. Your partner took advantage of you again that night.
Mind yourself 💐

Lizzie48 · 04/01/2018 11:48

Sadly this is why rape convictions are so hard to obtain. The people who post unhelpful comments on threads like this are precisely the people who end up on juries and acquit defendants. They see a victim who continued in a relationship with her abuser and don't understand how she could do that, so he can't be guilty.

Whereas the truth is so different. DSis and I were abused by our father. But we carried on loving him and grieved for him when he died. But we'd been conditioned to see him as a normal, loving father. It's inconceivable to me now, but at the time it was no more than normal life.

UnicornSparkles1 · 04/01/2018 11:51

He apologised for the first night and you gave him the benefit of doubt. He then attacked you again. None of that is your fault.

Mxyzptlk · 04/01/2018 11:55

Get out of this relationship now. It doesn't matter if you have a strong case or not. He's a bad man. He raped you. He will rape you again. You will get pregnant. If you feel strong enough to report him, do, but right now all you need to do is get out and get help.

Get yourself away from that horrible man. That's what's important.

sophiepotato · 04/01/2018 12:02

OP I'm going to be blunt here and this may be hard to read but I think you need to.

I told her I wasn't wearing knickers and she gave me a look.

I'm sure your friend isn't trying to be unkind but by taking that attitude she's blaming you for your own rape. If your boyfriend wasn't a rapist then you would have been perfectly safe going without underwear in your own bedroom. If your boyfriend wasn't a rapist you could have agreed to have sex then changed your mind because non-rapists will respect your right to change your mind about having sex.

I can't guarantee that she's wrong about the police, unfortunately while a lot has been done to improve things, some police officers and forces still don't react as they should to rape reports but I hope that she is wrong. What he did to you was rape and they should recognise that and take it very seriously.

Lizzie48 · 04/01/2018 12:42

Please go to Rape Crisis, they really are excellent. They also have an advocacy service, which would offer you support if you were to go to the police. Not all places have a centre, sadly, but you can still access counselling in a rape crisis centre in another location (though not the advocacy, as I found).

You can also call their helpline at the allotted times. The phones are manned by volunteers so you won't always get an answer but you can always leave a message and they will call you back.

GlitteryFluff · 04/01/2018 12:51

Please speak to the police.

GlitteryFluff · 04/01/2018 12:52

Or rape crisis.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 04/01/2018 14:36

My jaw hit the floor reading your OP. Yes he most certainly did rape you.

He also showed utter contempt and disrespect towards you.... fat arse absolutely abhorrent.

Please get rid. He is an absolute disgrace.

Sending love OP xx

Original poster

Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 15:08

He once told me I had a Lena Dunham body. I laughed and said I didn't know who that was. He said small tits, fat arse hairy cunt and shit tattoos. It was the tattoo thing that hurt me the most cos I'm no supermodel sure but those tattoos I paid for with my first wage when i managed to get away from my bad family situation and while they're not works of art they're special to me for what they represent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 15:11

And yeah one of them is on my lower back. Maybe he had a good laugh at that when he entered me without a condom.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/01/2018 15:16

That's seriously a horrible thing to say.

Have you thought about the freedom programme or some assertiveness training? How are you today sweetie?

hellsbellsmelons · 04/01/2018 15:20

He sounds vile.
And seeing that you had a bad family is no surprise either.
Womens Aid can help you with abuse and tackling it, dealing with it and avoiding it in the future.
Please do call them.

Ellendegeneres · 04/01/2018 16:33

user not at all. I think I’m feeling a lot of frustration reading some of the victim blaming comments on this thread and whilst yours wasn’t one, it’s a phrase I’ve heard a lot of- my own counsellor blamed me for any future victims of my attacker because I don’t feel capable of going through the prosecution. She used the term statistic- ‘just another statistic who cries rape but won’t do anything about it and have them have their day in court to prove one way or another’ 🤬

Mh team wonders why I refuse counselling now! 🙄

I agree with the poster who said your friend is doing victim blaming too op. You’ve got so much support here.

Ellendegeneres · 04/01/2018 16:35

jaqui the fact that he said those things shows his character. He’s absolutely vile.
How are you doing today? Have you thought of your next steps?

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