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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
purplechoc · 03/01/2018 11:23

Yeah as you've agreed to Sex with him again I would say you've blown any chance of reporting him now.

No, if you go to a shop and steal something, and then go back the next day and pay for an identical item, it doesn't change the fact that you initially stole.

Which is also irrelevant as the op consented (would also say out of fear) to sex with a condom, he changed the conditions to the consent again by taking the condom off. That's not okay!

gingergenius · 03/01/2018 11:30

@purplechoc of course it's not ok, but he is going to use the excuse that she willingly had sex with him again the next night to cast doubt on her recollection of events from the night before. It sucks but it is a concern.

Of course he was wrong, no question if that, but it does muddy the waters a bit.

Op. You need to leave.

Huskylover1 · 03/01/2018 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 11:46

I'm less concerned about the court case than I am about the op getting out of this situation NOW. This is not a nice person. He will be a terrible partner and father. And he is pretty determined to be a father. You have a job and no children. You could rent your own safe home where you are free to have friends call for coffee any time and sleep safely in your an bed. In a years time you might have a child with someone who abuses you and doesn't support you. It will be hard to keep your job but you won't want to be dependent on him. Get out now.

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 11:56

Oh for goodness sake! There is a massive difference between being raped by a stranger 'in a dark alley' and being in an abusive relationship. Rape can occur in both situations. It is often not reported because of outdated opinions like the ones above. Any sex without proper consent is rape. The OP needs support not unhelpful, ill informed comments above.

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 12:11

To all those saying that the fact the OP stayed another night, changes anything - read these stats about rape in a relationship (taken from www.thisisnotaninvitationtorapeme.co.uk/relationships/#facts_tab ):

In 2002 the UK Home Office published the findings of a British Crime Survey to which 6,944 women had responded. Nearly half (45%) of rapes reported to the survey were committed by perpetrators who were victims’ partners at the time of the attack.

Strangers were responsible for only 8% of rapes reported to the survey

The survey also found that partner rape entails the highest occurrence of multiple rape (62%) and attacks by partners and ex-partners are more than twice as likely to result in some injury to the victim (39%) as attacks by strangers (19%)

In her landmark study Rape and Marriage (Bloomington, IN: Indiana University Press, 1990), Diana Russell reported on interviews with a random sample of 930 women in the San Francisco area. Of all the women who had been married, 14% had been raped by their spouses at least once. Of these, 1/3 reported being raped once; 1/3 reported between 2 and 20 incidents; and 1/3 said they had been raped by their spouses more than 20 times.

Another study estimated that 10 to 14% of all married women have been or will be raped by their spouses (Finkelhor, D., and Yllo, K., License to rape: sexual abuse of wives. The Free Press, New York, 1985)

Stupidwife · 03/01/2018 12:14

Rape is rape!! No matter where it takes place.

This poor woman has come on here for support and advice.. she doesn't need criticism!

This man is meant to love and care for her.. not abuse her in this way.

Genuinely shocked at some of comments

Huskylover1 · 03/01/2018 12:16

Any sex without proper consent is rape

user did you skip the part where she put the condom on him? And then had consensual sex with him the next night too? I agree, her DP sounds abusive, however, if she really does want him charged for rape, having sex with him again the following night will not help her case. She would get ripped to shreds by her DP's defence lawyers. Doesn't make it right, but that is what they would latch on to. If you don't think so, you're being naive.

She needs to leave him, imo. Then decide on next steps.

pelmeni · 03/01/2018 12:18

Op, I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. He raped you, both nights, because you never consented to sex without a condom. Besides, attempting to enter you while you are asleep is attempted rape.

It was absolutely not your fault. The fact that you have consented to sex with him with a condom changes nothing. The fact that you may not have realised what he did doesn't make it any less serious, so please don't feel that because it wasn't a stranger in an alley that it's not worth reporting, if you want to.

However, please also only report to police if you feel up to it - please don't feel a burden to do it right now. I don't think posters here should minimise how difficult the process can be, and how it's a lottery of being believed. The attitudes of some posters towards her 'consent' are, sadly, really common, and the police route is not the best road for everyone. Again, that's not to minimise what happened at all.

I definitely definitely recommend going to a SARC, and speaking to Rape Crisis as soon as you feel able. Iirc, SARCs can take and keep physical evidence, so if you want to go to the police at a later point in time, that's possible. They will be able to take you through your options and will understand what you're going through. In the meantime definitely seek support from your friend and be kind to yourself.

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 12:20

HuskyLover - yes she put the condom on which he then removed and held her down whilst he ejaculated inside her that is when it became rape (on both occasions)

We are not even sure if OP will report as yet. And I agree that helping her to leave this situation is the priority (see my earlier posts). She doesn't need any comments which make her doubt herself or knock her confidence further. Sad

honeyroar · 03/01/2018 12:20

He's really vile, perhaps one of the most disgusting men I've read about on Mumsnet. He doesn't give a shit about you. He raped you. He pulled the condom off because it felt better for him and he didn't care about your opinion, He didn't care that you were sat crying afterwards. He didn't care in the morning when you told him (pretended he didn't remember). He didn't care enough to keep the condom on the following night, even after all you've said. HE DOESNT CARE!! You're just something for him to come in after he's been to the pub and before he goes to sleep. Revolting! Please get yourself out of there and get tested/ help. It will happen again and again. He won't respect you.

Huskylover1 · 03/01/2018 12:22

I don't think anyone is criticising her. Just pointing out the pitfalls of hanging around for more abuse. It's not a safe place for her to be. And won't help her case, should she decide to take matters further. I think she's probably in a fog right now. I also think there's probably more to this story, rather than this being the first red flag.

Hissy · 03/01/2018 12:22

Good god... Date rape/Marital rape exists

What he did was STEALTHING as I understand it. He ejaculated in her without her consent.

She is in a highly abusive relationship and needs help. Most Rape cases DON'T get to court, but that doesn't mean they aren't rape, and it doesn't mean that the victims don't need support

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 12:25

Yes he did love. Can you go to the Police, or contact Rape Crisis. I woukd end it with him now, what he did was unforgivable.

TheHeartOfTeFiti · 03/01/2018 12:26

I have nothing to add but just another get out go! And hugs and thoughts.

DotCottonDotCom · 03/01/2018 12:33

Fuck. Sake.

The OP is vulnerable and confused and MN say “you didn’t help your case by sleeping with him”

This is what rapists do. Make you think they’ve done nothing wrong, act like everything’s okay and normal. Was this not clear when OP didn’t understand what was consent and what wasn’t in the first circumstance?

OP please speak to your friend, please show her this thread and I hope the two of you get the ball rolling tonight

Shain · 03/01/2018 12:38

I feel sick reading this thread Sad OP, PLEASE go to the police and get as far away from that man as you possibly can. You have been raped, twice. You may have consented at first but the when he entered you against your will without the condom on, that was RAPE. Please show this thread to the police because anyone can see that from your account of events, even the initial consent was pressured, like you were bullied or manipulated into consenting. Please my darling, realise that you are worth SO MUCH MORE than being treated that way. Please get help, it breaks my heart to read this and not be able to save you myself. Sending so much love, and I'm in Cornwall if you need/want my support IRL x

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2018 12:43

I think some of you are struggling with consent, here is a very good YouTube video explaining about consent

Op put the condom on her boyfriend, but she was not fully aware, and could not give total consent.

" Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep"

She was raped, and should go to the Police.

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2018 12:49

My advice would be get out. Get safe. Tell people. Get support from whatever sources available : family, friends, on here. And if you feel up to it and you want to do it, tell the police. The police part isn't essential. Getting away from your boyfriend is.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 12:49

My friend has agreed to go with for a Map. She doesn't know why yet and I haven't shown her the thread. I'm terrified of how she'll react but if I'm going to the police I need someone with me. I can't do it alone.

OP posts:
BattleCuntGalactica · 03/01/2018 13:04

There's a phrase for this kind of rape - it's called Stealthing. As other people have said, you were raped and you should if possible, seek out a morning after pill from a pharmacy or GUM clinic.

This isn't about doing enough to stop him, it doesn't matter if you froze, or fought him off with every bit of strength in the world, what he did was rape. Him not remembering anything because he was wasted, is also not an excuse.

Do you have anyone you can call and ask for support?

Karigan1 · 03/01/2018 13:05

It’s rape. I personally would report it and end it with him. That’s awful behaviour!

GoldenBrows · 03/01/2018 13:56

OP, I know there is a lot going on and to think about but you should make seeking the morning after pill top priority, you've said it is your nightmare to become pregnant - so I urge you to deal with that first. You don't want to deal with an unwanted pregnancy or termination along with everything else.

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 13:56

If you don't feel you can say what happened then show her this thread. Be strong

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 13:57

If you don't feel you can say what happened then show her this thread. Be strong

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