Did my boyfriend rape me?

[Jaquithefirst]

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

You aren't annoying anyone. Are you out yet? Your friend didn't need to go into that much detail with her mum! You did nothing wrong, did she expect you to sleep with a chastity belt on?!
Are you going to go to womens aid for help too?
I hope you're ok, keep us updated xx

Symbolic or otherwise they wouldn't have stopped him though. Please stop tormenting yourself that you were some how inviting him to attack you. You were very clear that he needed to wear protection but you can't control the actions of someone else. He chose to do this to you. Knickers or no knickers and I'm so sorry for that.

Is that the normal level of contact from him? When is he due home?

You are not annoying anyone.
This is YOUR thread and you use how you want to.
To vent to rant to repeat yourself over and over if you want to.
We are all listening.

If I'd had knickers on he would not have been able to do this
You know this is absolute bollox.
He would have done it knickers or no knickers, it would have taken him 1 tiny second to just pull them to one side!
Don't focus on that.
There was nothing you could have done any differently.

I'm glad your friend is there for you. Shame her mother isn't as understanding but don't worry about that for now.

Focus on you and getting through the next few hours / night.
Think about what you need to pack to get away.
Also think about phoning Womens Aid.
They can help with specialist local counsellors.
And of course, as mentioned a lot, Rape Crisis.
They have excellent therapists that can help you with all of this.

You've been raped. Twice. By someone you love. Are you expected to carry on and act as normal? Because nobody could do that.

You're hurting and grieving as EVERYBODY would. If anyone is telling you otherwise you maybe need to seek others to speak to. X

The knicker thing...

You know we really shouldn't wear knickers to bed , right? I do, out of comfort... but I dont send my kids to bed in theirs, on the recommendation of their paediatrician who was helping us with DD2's reoccuring infections.

Wearing no knickers is normal, healthy and CERTAINLY not an open invitation to anyone. I know no-one here has suggested this but I am so sad to hear your friends mum has made such a bullshit comment.

I am so sorry this happened to you OP, yes it is rape. He is a disgusting excuse for a man. Please seek some real life support too.

Wow some people are being right twats here. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT! All you did was trust your boyfriend... I am so so sorry you were raped by someone you thought you could trust . Stay with someone else. Go to the police. Get an std check and get yourself away from him . Stay safe x

Jacqui just to say I know how awful it is. Hope the counselling is helping. Hope I did not offend. Just thought share what helps me/helped me. I think every report is different but sadly the system is stacked against us. Just get away from him & stay safe. Rebuild yourself.
I’m you girl apologies if offended did not mean to.

Hi everyone. Sorry I can't give you a proper update right now. Been a lot happening, been speaking briefly to the counselor and getting ready to get out by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. I will let you know what's going on later when I am more relaxed. I am deeply grateful for all your support. Anyhope you did not offend me. You were honest about your experience and you shared that.

know they're not made out of lead. It was sort of symbolic if you know what I mean

If “No” and you having confronted him with what he did before wasn’t enough to stop a rapist then pants wouldn’t either.

Please stop trying to shoulder blame for him or my nimising what happened as miscommunication started by you. It wasn’t. He is a serial rapist and this isn’t in the slightest because of anything you’ve done or not done.

Sorry @Anyhope for my reaction and your experiences. I just wanted op to feel she could go to the police if she wanted to.

Good luck OP. You deserve love, happiness and respect, please remember that.

Thanks Jacqui. Hope helped in some way. I walked into a trap but if you have support then helps. Also good to be informed & aware how can be. Sorry must be raw for you. Mine was historic. Ah sure, yes awful that goes on so much. Sorry for Jacqui as so recent. I was so naive did not know much about SV or what right wrong. The police man said if it feels wrong it usually is. Also r is such a hidden, personal crime also hate, power & control. I think loads get away with it. Really pleased to see supportive women here. Look’after yourselves this weekend.

Heart of Glass, UnicornSparkles, Kittymum and everyone else. I just got back there. I have moved most of my stuff which isn't all that much to my friend's house. He has been texting the odd time and I have been replying. Mostly rubbish he's out drinking with his friends again. I will be leaving in the afternoon. I'm seeing the counselor as well. She is apparently senior in the local university. When I was sitting on the bed in friends house her Mum tried to bring up the knicker thing again. I told her that my friends, that's YOU, had made it clear that that wasn't an issue. She then made it an issue about my nightie, actually a t-shirt, and that set me off quite badly and has now given me something else to annoy you about. I'm going to be living in her house so I couldn't react too sharply. Thank you for listening.

Ignore her. Use her until you can sort out living somewhere else. Then tell her where to shove her shitty, cruel, victim blaming attitudes.

I'm glad you have a plan in place, and I'm glad you're going to speak to the counsellor - I hope she helps you to make sense of everything.

How are you doing? It's an awful big whirlwind

Are you going to be gone when he gets home tomorrow. I agree, just use them for somewhere to stay, you need to put yourself first. I still cant believe youre friend told your mum that. Never mind, think of the future now, getting away from him being the main thing right now.
Please please take no notice of your friends mother though!!
We are all here for you

Personally, I'd offer tie and tease and then introduce a large object into his anus. A nice large sized strap on. After which, I would not remember that either....

Hi sadly friends mum is going to be in the picture for the while. She's one of these I tell it like I see it types. When she talks about what happened to me it's like she's talking about someone else if that makes any sense. Just going to have to toughen up. I will certainly NOT be there when he comes back.

OP what you have experienced is called 'stealthing'. It is rape. You consented to sex on the terms that your sexual partner wore a condom, when he took that off, the consent was no longer there, therefore it is rape. It doesn't matter if he was drunk and it doesn't matter what you were wearing. You agreed to sex with contraception and he didn't use it. Please ignore the comments about wearing no knickers. It doesn't matter if you were head to toe in lingerie and smeared in body chocolate, he had no right to have sex with you without using a condom, because that is NOT what you consented too! I hope you can find the courage and strength to report this to the police and leave that horrible man in the past. You are worth so much more. My heart really goes out to you Good luck and I hope you can get through this quickly with minimal stress. Have you spoken to your GP about extra counselling? Your anxiety is likely to be heightened after the recent events you have been through and more therapy could offer new coping techniques to help calm you down.

I'm so delighted that you're packing and moving. Even if you have to live with that woman for while. Go you!!

Thank you. I'm learning all sorts of new stuff. I didn't know what stealthing was until this happened. My friends on here got me over the no knickers thing and now my friends mum wants to educate me about my t shirt and general behavior. I'll deal with it. I'm going to get counseling from an experienced woman so that's a start. I'm going to be under friends roof for a while until I can hopefully get full time hours. The counselor is going to point me towards my options.

Thanks Slane you helped me and I hope you know that.

Are you asking whether he raped you in law? That really depends on how drunk he was in regards to whether he understood what he was doing. I really couldn't say. On the one hand his actions seemed controlled but on the other hand his reaction during and afterwards suggests that maybe he was really out of it. I would say that it's a bit unclear leagally and you are unlikely to get a conviction.

The fact that he doesn't really seem to care what he did and is doing nothing to avoid doing it again however is very telling of how much he cares about you. Obviously seek medical attention and then leave him. He isn't a good person.

I’m sorry for all you’ve been through, starting with your childhood.

I think you can safely ignore anything that your friends mother says and much of what your friend says.

Speak to Rape Crisis and try to get a place in a hostel. Living with that woman, kind though she is to offer you her home, is NOT going to be good for your MH.