Did my boyfriend rape me?

[Jaquithefirst]

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

It would have taken him seconds to deal with knickers. I know you are going back over things and thinking what if this, what if that. But he did what he wanted to do. And he was going to do what he wanted to do regardless. I know you've so much on your plate but this is not a good life. Don't think about things you could have changed last night. Think instead about all the things you're going to change tomorrow so you won't have to put up with him any more. You're story has really moved me and I genuinely want a happy ending for you xx

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Jaqui it’s easy for people on here to say report, they’re not in your position. I hope you don’t feel bullied or pressured.
I think you’re doing really well. Sorry if I missed this, but do you have any family you can stay with? You don’t have to tell them what happened, just that you’re splitting up.
I’m not sure staying at that house is a good idea for you, even if he is away at the moment. Hope you get some sleep.

Slane thank you. I know it must be frustrating for you and others but I just keep returning to this. I'm hoping the counselor lady will help. I'm very grateful by your concern and other peoples.

Babading I had a difficult childhood and don't see much of them. They are the main reason for my anxiety.

Slane I was speaking to my friend's mum earlier. She doesn't like me. My friend had to tell her some stuff about what happened because I might be staying in their house. I gave her permission and she said something hard about the no knickers thing and that is what set me off a bit. X

I'm sorry people aren't being as supportive as they should be. You did nothing wrong at all.

Not your girl, people have be wonderful. I'm just hard work sometimes.

You could be the hardest work in the world (and you don't seem to be to me) and it wouldn't excuse what he's done to you. Or lessen his actions. The knicker thing is nothing. Really.

What he did was wrong. Knickers, no knickers, sexiest knickers. It had no bearing on it.

Instead of worrying about not having your knickers on recognise that he would have done exactly the same thing anyway. You deserve so much better than this. The way you describe his sexual behaviour , its like he is an animal rutting in the shed. This is not 'having sex' unless uou have both agreed thats the kind of sex you want. Where is the love, gentleness, fun of making love or having sex that you deserve with your 'BF'? What joy or pleasure do you get from this sex?

Whatever you do, he is a rapist, clear and simple. You did nothing wrong. If anyone says you did, them them he did the wrong thing by ejaculating inside you twice against your express wishes, not you for going to bed to sleep without knickers. Good luck

I bet you're not hard work at all and that that's just another thing he's told you to make you feel like you should be grateful for his presence.

I haven't been in your situation but I have been in relationships (of different sorts) with bullying men who've broken me down. When you come out the other side and realise the effect they were having on your state of mind it's quite something - apart from anything else it's a huge sense of relief to know you're not mad and it's not your fault. I see a lot of people on mn recommend the Freedom Program. It sounds like that would be really beneficial. Whatever you decide to do next I do hope you can go easy on yourself. This is not your fault.

How did you get on. I tried to report to police absolute nightmare. They question you loads & blame you. I am celibate now as come to terms with loads of abuse also cannot have anymore kids. Try rape crisis line that is good. Also can report anonymously through something crime stoppers. Good luck. It really is not easy.

@Anyhope that is NOT helpful!!!

Anyhope I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm worried about the police and the second incident. I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow to hopefully help.

Sorry to hear that about your family. As others have said the no knickers does NOT mean you are to blame. He is to blame and he is the only one to blame.

Have you considered he may not be at a friends house and maybe sleeping around?

I'm just working through this thread but I would seriously consider being tested for STD's etc seeing you have been subjected to unprotected intercourse.

You consented to sex and put protection on him, however he took this off and continued to penetrate you when on seeing the condom lying on the bed, you told him no and to stop.

Has he ever been aggressive during sex before with you?

Maybe now he's passed the seven month itch, he thinks he can do what he likes. You must stop this NOW or you will live in fear every time he goes out drinking and likely will happen again and again.

Can I ask you what would have happened had you told him no when he woke you removing your P.J bottoms and you put them back on?

This is not a situation that you lay with eyes closed and dour out.

You need to ensure your safety, and that means somewhere that you can go to sleep for the night without fear of being wakened for another rape ordeal.

Drinking isn't an excise many men have been drunk around drunk girls and not raped them.
So sorry op you need to leave him this is not acceptable and personally I would report to the police

The police were great in my experience, it was a specialist unit and we had police officers who only dealt with sexual crimes. They were very kind and sensitive when it came to taking my statement.

It wasn't pursued because it was historic SA and the CPS decided that there wasn't a realistic chance for conviction. The ID wasn't enough because we were children at the time, and the person we knew had passed away. It was the accomplice who was being investigated and our DM didn't know anything about him at all.

It's a slow process, though, that's the only criticism I would have with the police.

Zebrathree thank you. I hadn't thought about the STD thing at all. When we started going out he was working with his dad who was in the building trade and he just kept normal hours. But they had a falling out and he found work elsewhere so it's only in the last month and a half that he's been away for days at a time. I honestly don't know if he's sleeping around.But you're right I will need to get tested at some point. In terms of sex I don't think he's ever slept with me sober, he sometimes made comments about my body I'm fat and hairy and so on but what happened the other day didn't happen before.

Right. Enough of the knickers. Knickers aren't made of lead. A standard pair of knickers do not stop rapists. They can be removed/ripped in seconds. A flimsy bit of fabric would not have made the slightest bit of difference. None of this is your fault. Please stop tormenting yourself with the what ifs, a pair of knickers really wouldn't have changed what happened to you. I'm so sorry that you're even questioning yourself.

Have you heard from him since he's been away?

Kittymum thank you. I'm annoying people and I understand why I'm annoying people. I hope people will understand like you do. I wanted to control the incident and I didn't.
Unicorn I know they're not made out of lead. It was sort of symbolic if you know what I mean. I havent had a lot of sleep and
I hope you understand that I might not be making a lot of sense. I have received text messages from him reminding me to pick up a prescription for him and other pay for milk paper and so on I haven't spoken like with a voice to him.

Wishing you safety and good luck with sorting this out Op....just remember we are furious with him on your behalf, and all behind you, we don't think you are being annoying at all.