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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
OhCalamity · 04/01/2018 17:06

Like the others, I feel he gave you no choice either night, and I also feel that an investigating officer will recognise that.

You do need to get away from him because it sounds like kind of 'sex' where he enters you at speed before you are prepared and without a condom is like a thrill or a new fetish for him. He will keep doing this. And when it gets a bit more mundane for him, he will push the boundaries some more and try to incorporate something else you don't want - anal for example. He gets aroused not by just having sex, but by forcing you to have sex in a way that you don't want to. I'd put money on any porn habit he has heavily featuring stealthing and rape scenarios.

He's abusive and a rapist.

OhCalamity · 04/01/2018 17:07

sounds like this kind of 'sex'

Quartz2208 · 04/01/2018 17:29

Agree with the above he is getting a thrill from the act of entering you at speed and catching you unaware. I alsoa think the fact you tried to control it and specifically said use a condom and he didn’t is clearly stealthing and is something that is being taken more seriously.

Please get it on record - he has done it twice in a row so i think he could escalate fast now

Ijustlovefood · 04/01/2018 17:33

Please report it fast. He's a scumbag

shockthemonkey · 04/01/2018 18:02

This man sounds like a misogynist bastard.

I do hope you get help soon.

lovemenot · 04/01/2018 18:15

Please, please ensure you do not share his bed again, tonight or any night. Get out as soon as possible.

Lostflipflop · 04/01/2018 20:06

Are you safe tonight OP?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 04/01/2018 20:20

He sounds awful and you deserve better. Is this abuse a recent thing? You can get through this but you need help and support from people who are more experienced. Please get yourself to a safe place.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 04/01/2018 20:22

He has made sure that you are reliant on him so you are trapped. This is a known pattern of abusive behaviour.

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2018 20:58

I have just read what he said to you LENA DURHAM BODY..........what a vile disgusting excuse for a man he is, you deserve so much better.

If a man ever spoke to me like that l would be so livid he would not see me for dust, and l would repeat it to his boss, friends, parents and the wider world.

Op, the future may look scary considering your uncertain living situation, but believe us all here when we say where you are near him is truly terrifying...please get far far away fast.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 21:34

Thank you all. I am safe tonight. He will be in the next county with friends and work until Sat. My friend is helping me with somewhere to stay maybe with her to start. She is very busy working in a retail warehouse and I haven't had a chance to speak to her much. I'm a little anxious and jumpy and haven't been sleeping much. I just keep going over what I could have done better the second time it happened. Thank you for your concern. It's means more than you know.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 04/01/2018 21:44

This is a known pattern if abusers. They make sure you are vulnerable so they can do whatever unspeakable things. The police are well aware of these types of relationships. He is trying to get you pregnant so he can control you further. You have been groomed OP. They are very clever at doing this and you are not the first woman who finds they are in a situation that is difficult to get out off. Now is the time to take decisive action.

DotCottonDotCom · 04/01/2018 21:44

Jaq lovely, I’m glad your friend is of such support. Are you going to the police? I’m glad he’s out the way for now. What are your plans for Saturday?

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2018 21:51

The more yiu tell us about him, the more vile he sounds. So pleased you have somebody to help you.

flutterby12 · 04/01/2018 22:08

Please find the strength to report him. He sounds hideous. He raped you. You deserve better x

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 22:13

Thank you. My friend has arranged a chat with an older lady she knows who works as a counselor. I am going to have an informal chat with her tomorrow about the situation especially the no knickers thing as that is what is playing on my mind.

OP posts:
flutterby12 · 04/01/2018 22:16

You were in your own bedroom, you are entitled to have no knickers on. I hope you get the support you need. Your BF needs to know how despicable he is

mumof06darlings · 04/01/2018 22:22

Do you mind me asking - did you get the map?

Lizzie48 · 04/01/2018 22:25

The no knickers thing is ridiculous. What could that have to do with anything? A lot of people sleep in the nude, should they be blamed if their partner takes that to mean they're asking to be assaulted? Your bedroom should be your safe place.

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2018 22:34

Op l sleep in the nude, no way does that invite my DH to have unwanted sex with me...please forget about the no knickers thing.

Anniethinggose · 04/01/2018 22:41

I'm so sorry. You are BLAMELESS. You're completely innocent and undeserving of what's happened to you. You did NOTHING to 'invite' these rapes.
Women need to stop giving bad advice to other women and please educate themselves about the subject of a thread before posting, or move on to a different thread. Victim blaming is not acceptable.
It isn't down to a woman to protect themselves from potential rapists, or make 'wiser' decisions, or ensure they wear knickers. Men should stop raping women and that is it! Only they are responsible for their violence.
However you choose to deal with this, OP, I wish you the best of luck and please be kind to yourself. Don't give yourself a hard time, you've suffered enough Flowers

Slanetylor · 04/01/2018 23:03

You were asleep in your own bedroom. Honestly. What if you were coming out of the shower when he attacked you? Or just getting dressed. It means nothing.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 23:31

Hi mum of six I got the map thank you

OP posts:
mumof06darlings · 04/01/2018 23:36

That's good. Mind yourself. Take care of yourself and I hope you find the strength to see that you were in no way to blame for what happened. I'm glad your safe 💐

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 04/01/2018 23:43

Slane I meant the second time when I was awake and hoping to control the situation. Because I had no knickers on he was able to enter me and ejaculate inside me. If I'd had knickers on he would not have been able to do this. I know this sounds silly but I'm not sleeping and not thinking clearly. Thank you for the support you've given me.

OP posts:
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