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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I make him understand?

126 replies

stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:10

After being happily single for 5 or so years I've fallen for a friend I have known for 16 years (we used to work together and have been in and out of each other's lives, as friends over that time). We got together in August and it has been hearts and flowers since then. We have met each other's friends and families and I was really looking forward to spending a Christmas Day with him and then the rest of his family over the past week.

Well the last week has been a real eye opener and not in a good way. When we first got together he said previous girlfriends said he was moody and didn't know how to deal and that he gets angry. Well, yup saw it in spades this week coupled with a horrible pettiness and the need to be 'right' and catastrophising everything. And his sister had a lovely 3 day mood when we were away, so it runs in their family.

I called one of my closest friends who is also really moody in relationships, never with me (common thread for moody people in my life, low self esteem, and hyper critical of themselves). He said, the mood is nothing to do with you, ask him what he wants you to do and leave him to it'. He'll then learn to get himself out if it.

I'm not a sensitive flower I can ignore a mood, it is the point scoring/pettiness which is really upsetting. I was so looking to this week, so that created added expectations.

I'm 48, he is 56 so he will never change, he did apologise and said he could see how his sister's behaviour was just like his, and how it affected the rest of he family. He still got a couple of digs in at me on the drive back though.

I can't spend NYE with him without explaining how I feel.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/12/2017 07:14

Please consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like this towards you. This is a fairly new relationship so you can finish it without any worries about shared finances or children.

Its ok to have boundaries and its ok to end it with him when he's acting like this. There is no obligation to tolerate it.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:20

I understand that I don't have to tolerate it. I have always had great men in my life, which is why this is such a shock/disappointment.

His anger and moods this past week are all about him. I want him to understand how they make me feel. Without basically saying you are acting like a 12 year old and your behaviour made my already shrivelling ovaries shrivel a bit more.

OP posts:
Ecclesiastes · 31/12/2017 07:21

He does understand - he just doesn't care.

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2017 07:26

He's not going to change if this is how he is in relationships. I don't think its low self esteem, its attempting to lower your self confidence and being nasty. As you said your friend is only like it in relationships; he or she knows that's the only place where they may get away with it.

It doesn't seem worth trying to continue on with this really; you've only been together a few months.

RainyApril · 31/12/2017 07:27

He already knows how it makes you feel because all of those previous gfs have already explained it to him, and ended up leaving when it carried on. You're not the first person who thought she could change him, or that he'd want to change for the sake of her and their relationship. The only decision you are making is whether to tolerate it or leave.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:36

His previous girlfriends were at least 10 years younger. The most recent relationship lasted 13 years, so I think they didn't have as strong sense of self as I do (and they didn't read mumsnet).

OP posts:
Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:37

And @RainyApril you are right

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/12/2017 07:38

Please don't blame other women for your boyfriend's shitty behaviour

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:45

I'm not blaming, just wondering how someone can put up with it for 13 years. I think when you're younger you think you can love someone out of their behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:46

I realise I can't.

Shit am I really going to tell someone, who I thought was going to be a big love in my life that that I don't want to spend NYE with him?

OP posts:
Bonnynorton1 · 31/12/2017 07:47

So you're looking for a way to explain to him how his moods affect you so that he'll understand and not do it again?

All the replies you've already had on this thread tell you that this will be impossible. He does understand how his behaviour affects others but he either doesn't care or he can't do anything about it.

There is nothing you can say or do to change him.

ElspethFlashman · 31/12/2017 07:47

Well you think you can explain him out of his behaviour, don't you?

You're just as naive for all your experience.

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2017 07:48

Not just NYE, the rest of the year too? Its rubbish but I don't think he's going to change

Maybe he was better with his ex and, as you say, she thought he would change- don't make the same mistake

BattleCuntGalactica · 31/12/2017 07:50

I would just end things to be honest. He sounds more like a child than a grown man. Fuck that.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:53

You're right, explaining how I feel won't make him change, would it give him any more insight? I'm heartbroken really.

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 31/12/2017 07:57

You’ll be fine. It’s very disappointing for you that the man you thought would be the love of your life turns out to be a nob.

You tried, you’re free to move on now without moody meanie dragging you down.

Onedayhey · 31/12/2017 07:58

He knows exactly what he is like and he forewarned you. You thought he would be different with you. He isn’t.

differentnameforthis · 31/12/2017 08:09

His previous girlfriends were at least 10 years younger. The most recent relationship lasted 13 years, so I think they didn't have as strong sense of self as I do (and they didn't read mumsnet). How insulting!! Op he isn't going to change and quite frankly, you are a mug if you think it will just because you are a "stronger" woman!!

Linguini · 31/12/2017 08:13

Definitely tell him you do not want to spend NYE with him, but make sure to explicitly inform him of each incident that has pushed you away, "when we were in the car you said/did A, in the house you said B, then C..." and how you are not the sort to be spoken to like that.

Being generous here but he MAY see the error of his ways, and maybe give him one more chance after NYE after you both have time to think?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 31/12/2017 08:16

No, no, he's had 56 years of moods. Tons of women will have said they hate them. He's not going to stop now.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 08:19

You’re right, he won’t be different with me. I’ve texted him and asked him to call me when he can. He was such a help when my life imploded this year, we have so much in common, great sex, make each other laugh.

I realise that no one is perfect. I’m glad you think I’m not overthinking/over reacting

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Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 08:26

I’ll try the being explicit thing. I think if (when) he turns it around to attack me that will make it easier for me to let go.

OP posts:
Olicity17 · 31/12/2017 08:35

Op i have no advice. But am in a similar situation. Got with good friend post seperation.

He is moody as fuck and ruined christmas. His sister is my best friend and she echoed the advice here. Basically she said 'he is being a dick, tell him to fuck off. You dont need his shit.'

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 08:43

@Olicity17 are you going to do it? I see all these threads about grumpy DH's. I don't want that to be my life, the moods I can deal with, it is the meanness and accusing me of having horrible motives. i.e. 'You did that because you think you know better than me' when really I just made a mistake/forgot, rather than trying to make a point and hurt him in some way.

OP posts:
Olicity17 · 31/12/2017 09:29

Yep he does that. 'You did this because you wanted...xyz'.

Yeah i am. It follows a pattern. He refuses to engage. After a couple of days of me not pandering, he gets in touch. When he does this time, i am ending it.

I am not doing it before because he will believe, i dont mean it.