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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I make him understand?

126 replies

stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:10

After being happily single for 5 or so years I've fallen for a friend I have known for 16 years (we used to work together and have been in and out of each other's lives, as friends over that time). We got together in August and it has been hearts and flowers since then. We have met each other's friends and families and I was really looking forward to spending a Christmas Day with him and then the rest of his family over the past week.

Well the last week has been a real eye opener and not in a good way. When we first got together he said previous girlfriends said he was moody and didn't know how to deal and that he gets angry. Well, yup saw it in spades this week coupled with a horrible pettiness and the need to be 'right' and catastrophising everything. And his sister had a lovely 3 day mood when we were away, so it runs in their family.

I called one of my closest friends who is also really moody in relationships, never with me (common thread for moody people in my life, low self esteem, and hyper critical of themselves). He said, the mood is nothing to do with you, ask him what he wants you to do and leave him to it'. He'll then learn to get himself out if it.

I'm not a sensitive flower I can ignore a mood, it is the point scoring/pettiness which is really upsetting. I was so looking to this week, so that created added expectations.

I'm 48, he is 56 so he will never change, he did apologise and said he could see how his sister's behaviour was just like his, and how it affected the rest of he family. He still got a couple of digs in at me on the drive back though.

I can't spend NYE with him without explaining how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
stabbypokey · 02/01/2018 00:57

God, I don’t want to look back after 10 years of trying to change someone. I’m going to sleep on it to decide if email or face to face would work for me. I can’t do the two line text thing. I really do thank everyone for their advice. I know I haven’t been married for ever with DC, it still really hurts.

OP posts:
ButteredScone · 02/01/2018 01:00

Don't meet him. He will always try to hurt you.

Any time you spend on this relationship from now on, should be spent on you getting over it.

Lweji · 02/01/2018 01:38

If you do decide to meet him, make sure you can leave when you want and how you want to. Preferably in a public place.

If he starts going off on you or whatever you aren't comfortable with, just walk out.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/01/2018 05:24

I agree with Lweji
At the first disrespectful thing he says...don’t even listen to the whole sentence. Interrupt him with a firm: “tell it to the next one”; speak with your feet and get away from him.

“Closure” is over rated. Christmas was your closure.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/01/2018 05:34

You don’t need the last word. Let him have the last word. He has already had the last word.

He doesn’t deserve anything civil from you as he is not civil towards you. Not saying to be uncivil. He will use your niceness against you (as you understand that is what would happen with a letter).

It is a business/administrative transaction at this point. Ten words or less is all he will be capable of hearing before he begins spewing toxic reactions all over you.

Nellyphants · 02/01/2018 05:45

I’d ask yourself what is it you want to achieve with meeting him?

Are you secretly hoping that he’ll have an ephiany & see the error of his ways?

Your closure is his nastiness to you. You started to date him to get to know him & see if there was potential for a long term relationship. It didn’t work out, you’re not a good match. That’s your closure.

I say this as somebody who spent waaaay too long going around in circles with somebody. I thought that if I could just find the right words he’d understand! My closure is realizing that I’m a slow learner!

You sound a lovely person, don’t let him take away any of your loveliness

Ennirem · 02/01/2018 05:53

I.wish I'd been as savvy and self respecting and decisive as you when I first got together with my other half. I was just 23 and very naive. 10 years and a baby later I realise he hasn't changed, but I have - very much for the worse. Im trying to get up the courage to set a bomb off in my baby's world and leave Sad Be glad your age, experience and self confidence have saved you from this!

MistressDeeCee · 02/01/2018 05:56

Youre 48 why are you even bothering to over-analyse this tiresome man? You've only been together a mere 4 months and red flags are already waving your face. & it doesn't matter if you were friends for years, that's not the same as being partners. As you now discovering.

Moody and petty? How rude and boring. I'd not be looking forward to going into old age with a dementor, that's for sure. No man is worth that. You need to like yourself more. & go out on NYE, be with friends who will be fun, and happy to be around you.

If you can't even tell him how you feel that's not a good sign either. I hope you're not seeing him as your "last chance" in life. He isn't.

bimbobaggins · 02/01/2018 06:06

You only need to read some of the very posts on relationships about people stuck in miserable relationships with moody people to see how soul destroying it can be. I was in one similar.
He’s a 56 year old man who should know how to treat people.
Run for the hills

LazyDailyMailJournos · 02/01/2018 07:27

Please don't meet him. I know you want closure but it won't work. In your head you'll have an opportunity to explain your feelings, he'll say OK and you'll walk away from each other.

In reality he will sit there and pick you apart. He'll take every comment and every word you say, twist it and turn it back against you. You will end up feeling worse than you do right now and you won't get the closure you want. Trust me, meeting him is a bad idea.

Send an email. Keep it short. And then sign off by saying that you won't be responding to him any further and that replies from him will be deleted. Then block.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 02/01/2018 08:22

You are right that he will twist my words if I meet him. A short email it is. My other break ups were because we have grown apart/got bored/infidelity. Never when I still loved them. Awful, just awful.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 02/01/2018 08:33

Love, I know it hurts right now. But you also know that walking away now is the right thing to do.

Once you have sent the email then my advice would be to block him on your mobile, email and all social media, and make sure friends know the score and not to pass messages on from him. People like this tend to take walking away as a personal affront to their ego - and if he has already been aggressive with you when you've tried to talk, then it is very likely that he will want to try and engage you in an argument now.

Don't let him do it. Say your piece and block him.

Thebluedog · 02/01/2018 09:02

Do you really need to meet him? I doubt you’ll get closure, just leave with a feeling of mega frustration that he’s not taken on board anything you’ve said...

My ex dh was like this, always on the attack if criticised about his moodiness. I could pull him up on something, give him an example and rather he tan him thinking ‘ok blue might have a point’ he’d turn it round on me and say something ridiculous like ‘well you didn’t do the hoovering last week’ Shock and thus would be completely unrelated to the subject.

I quickly learnt that he had his own reality

hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2018 09:10

A short email is definitely the way to go.
I hope you can finish it as he does sound abusive.
Good luck OP.

Desmondo2016 · 02/01/2018 09:11

If you arrange a meet he will assume that you're not serious about it being over and he will assume further power over you. I also wouldn't bother with the email. He won't read it in the context you want him to. He will interpret it in a way that boosts his own beliefs. Just be grateful you've realised this quickly and not wasted more of your life on him.

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/01/2018 09:35

Do uou really think that his exs didn't have this 'closure' talk with him? That they didn't try to make him see how his behaviour wrecked the relationship? He didn't take any notice of them, he won't take any notice of you.

movpov · 02/01/2018 10:23

Although you have known him for a long time, it's only now you've seen the real him and turns out he's actually quite a nasty piece of work. He doesn't care how he's making you feel. This has some similarities with how my ex behaved at times, the digs and pettiness and never taking responsibility for his own behaviour - it's always someone else's fault. This would be a deal breaker for me now, life's too short to spend it with someone who upsets you and makes you feel like shit . I've never been a fan of dumping by text or email but in this case I'd say that's the way to go - short, sharp and to the point. If you meet him you'll only get emotional, not say what you want to and end up frustrated with yourself. Get rid of him and find someone a bit more kind.

CousinKrispy · 02/01/2018 10:38

I just wanted to say I am so impressed by your good sense and strength. I made the mistake of marrying a guy like this, finally separating now after 10 years of being together and as we have a child we will have to continue co-parenting. You are doing the right thing.

It's horribly painful as I'm sure he does have some good qualities, as does my husband, and you might have a real connection in some ways. It's really awful to have to lose that. But you cannot change him and yes it is hell living with it year after year--I'm not usually a person who thinks it's worth regretting anything that's happened in the past, but if I could live my life over and never have met him, I'd leap at the chance!

Stay strong.

7Seas · 02/01/2018 10:41

OK you were 'happily single for 5 years'. Go back to that life.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 02/01/2018 12:59

I’ve sent the email, I couldn’t concentrate. Thankyou everyone for hardening my resolve. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 13:24

So glad you opted for email, that was going to be my advice.

Well done for getting out.

OnTheRise · 02/01/2018 13:41

Please don't meet him face to face. He'll only argue with you and tell you you're wrong. Stop putting yourself through this pain and abuse. It is not helpful at all. Start treating yourself kindly, RIGHT NOW. And that means not giving him any more opportunities to hurt you.

You don't need proof that he's abusive: you already have that. Honestly, don't meet up with him again. Send him a text then block him.

Cambionome · 02/01/2018 13:47

Well done, op.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 02/01/2018 15:13

Well done love.

Now block him - on everything. Trust me, you do NOT want to hear back from him. Disengage and make yourself permanently unavailable.

Ellie56 · 03/01/2018 00:29

You know you have done the right thing.