Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I make him understand?

126 replies

stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:10

After being happily single for 5 or so years I've fallen for a friend I have known for 16 years (we used to work together and have been in and out of each other's lives, as friends over that time). We got together in August and it has been hearts and flowers since then. We have met each other's friends and families and I was really looking forward to spending a Christmas Day with him and then the rest of his family over the past week.

Well the last week has been a real eye opener and not in a good way. When we first got together he said previous girlfriends said he was moody and didn't know how to deal and that he gets angry. Well, yup saw it in spades this week coupled with a horrible pettiness and the need to be 'right' and catastrophising everything. And his sister had a lovely 3 day mood when we were away, so it runs in their family.

I called one of my closest friends who is also really moody in relationships, never with me (common thread for moody people in my life, low self esteem, and hyper critical of themselves). He said, the mood is nothing to do with you, ask him what he wants you to do and leave him to it'. He'll then learn to get himself out if it.

I'm not a sensitive flower I can ignore a mood, it is the point scoring/pettiness which is really upsetting. I was so looking to this week, so that created added expectations.

I'm 48, he is 56 so he will never change, he did apologise and said he could see how his sister's behaviour was just like his, and how it affected the rest of he family. He still got a couple of digs in at me on the drive back though.

I can't spend NYE with him without explaining how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 12:06

Nope, no irony Liney. I was feeling relieved that he seemed happier when we went into McDonald’s. He made that comment and I thought, nope I won’t bring him up on it because the mood will go down again. So when I brought it up during the phone conversation and said ‘when you made the passive aggressive comment it...’ and he tried to make out it was a joke. It wasn’t, I’m not sensitive, I never cry, that was a dig. Then after coming back from this hideous time with his family with them all in clipped horrible moods he sent me a goodnight text saying. Thanks for being great company for most of the time. Another final dig.

OP posts:
Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 12:12

I need to type this, because for me I say something, it’s said and I don’t brood. After a couple of days I’ll think oh well, he was pissed off it wasn’t that bad, get over yourself. He was horrible and whenever I reacted he almost looked triumphant as though it gave him ammunition. So that means I couldnt express an emotion, frustration or whatever without getting it back in spades. It’s grim isn’t it.

OP posts:
LineysRumBaba · 31/12/2017 12:14

It like being with his family triggered some kind of controlling madness in him. How horrible for you.

LineysRumBaba · 31/12/2017 12:15

It sounds like

Nellyphants · 31/12/2017 12:15

If you type out here you can read back in a few days when you might falter a bit

Oywotchadoin · 31/12/2017 12:17

I’m not excusing his behaviour at all, but I must admit that I sometimes regress into a sulky teenager in the presence of my family. I’m nearly 50.

Bouledeneige · 31/12/2017 12:17

So sorry OP. You are better off without him - hard as that is to accept, letting go of your hopes for the relationship and what it could have been.

I was in a relationship with a very moody man. He had 10 million reasons why I had to understand his issues, why I was wrong for everything I felt and I was stepping on eggshells to see what mood he was in. In he end I had to end it - it was causing me so much stress. I just didnt want to give up on him because I really adored the man he was in the good times. But its no way to live your life and you need to choose something better and more positive. Imagine what a mess the poor woman was in after 13 years of that!

My XBF's ex partner was a very cold woman but I think she'd probably adopted that hard shell to cope with his moods....

Bouledeneige · 31/12/2017 12:17

So sorry OP. You are better off without him - hard as that is to accept, letting go of your hopes for the relationship and what it could have been.

I was in a relationship with a very moody man. He had 10 million reasons why I had to understand his issues, why I was wrong for everything I felt and I was stepping on eggshells to see what mood he was in. In he end I had to end it - it was causing me so much stress. I just didnt want to give up on him because I really adored the man he was in the good times. But its no way to live your life and you need to choose something better and more positive. Imagine what a mess the poor woman was in after 13 years of that!

My XBF's ex partner was a very cold woman but I think she'd probably adopted that hard shell to cope with his moods....

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 12:18

He kicked off Christmas Eve, mood lasted Christmas Day then drove to his family Boxing Day, mood and digs in the car all the way. Yes,whoever said big events seem to kick things like this off are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 12:21

Thankyou Bouledeneige. I appreciate that. It’s hard when there was so much potential, I thought I knew him.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/12/2017 12:26

He's a dick, you had a lucky escape. He'll never change. This is who he is.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 12:27

You’re right @Nelly

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/12/2017 12:29

When I get moody I tell people I'm feeling moody and tend to keep to myself.
He attacks you. That is the issue. Not the moodiness per se.
Whatever the causes, you're better off without him.

LineysRumBaba · 31/12/2017 12:32

whoever said big events seem to kick things like this off are right

I think that might have been me.

By 20th December my OH was starting to morph into an arsehole. So I left him and his family to it.

I had a quiet Christmas with my son.

It'll be interesting to see what happens when I see him today.

LineysRumBaba · 31/12/2017 12:35

Lweji, absolutely - loads of people get moody but have ways of dealing with it. It's the 'going on the attack' part that's wrong.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 12:48

@Lweji that’s what my friend (who is moody) said when I called him for advice. Just leave him alone when he is in a mood. But even he agreed that the additional nastiness and accusations are not right and I shouldn’t have to put up with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 12:54

Liney I hope yours has a better resolution than mine, or maybe mine is the best resolution. I don’t know. I hope you can find some way forward to de-dicking him Smile

OP posts:
LineysRumBaba · 31/12/2017 13:04

Thanks, stabby. I'll let you know. He has to sort himself out, and see that he needs to do that for his own sake.

We've been together a while, are friends with each other's kids (teenagers and young adults). As Elton John might warble, it's a sad sad situation.

Olicity17 · 31/12/2017 14:31

Mines just text to ask ig i am going to his sisters tonight. I said yes. He didnt text back, so worried he will turn up at hers tonight. That will be fun. Confused

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 16:02

That's all you need, a feeling of dread to top off your evening.

OP posts:
Olicity17 · 31/12/2017 16:14

Yep. As far as friend is aware he isnt coming. But he may turn up.

To be fair he has ignored me since yesterday. I can ignore him and have a good night, tonight.

Dozer · 31/12/2017 17:31

“Thanks for being great company for most of the time” Shock

Dozer · 31/12/2017 17:36

He was moody on xmas eve/day even before visiting his difficult family, on your first xmas together - not a good sign.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 17:56

I know Dozer. He had a right to be upset as his Christmas Eve didn't go as planned (it was an event he had a big hand in planning and it didn't go well) . I can understand him being pissed off, but his mood resulted in me doing all the lunch prep, talking to his neighbours who were over for lunch and basically carrying the day. He barely talked to me, then really embarrassed me by shouting at me in front of our guests. It was humiliating. I did make a mistake (it is to do with a valuable pet) but when I brought up the shouting after they left he said 'You knew we can't do xyz, you just did it because you think you know better and you wanted to make a point'. That's when I thought, oh shit, because I genuinely forgot the rule. He could not see that I just made a mistake. Downhill from there basically. I need to remind myself.

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/12/2017 19:05

He had invited over guests for xmas lunch, and you did the work and entertained them while he sulked, because of something that had had nothing to do with you, then he SHOUTED at you and when you sought an apology accused you of bad motives for a simple mistake?

Terrible.