How can I make him understand?

[stabbypokey]

After being happily single for 5 or so years I've fallen for a friend I have known for 16 years (we used to work together and have been in and out of each other's lives, as friends over that time). We got together in August and it has been hearts and flowers since then. We have met each other's friends and families and I was really looking forward to spending a Christmas Day with him and then the rest of his family over the past week.

Well the last week has been a real eye opener and not in a good way. When we first got together he said previous girlfriends said he was moody and didn't know how to deal and that he gets angry. Well, yup saw it in spades this week coupled with a horrible pettiness and the need to be 'right' and catastrophising everything. And his sister had a lovely 3 day mood when we were away, so it runs in their family.

I called one of my closest friends who is also really moody in relationships, never with me (common thread for moody people in my life, low self esteem, and hyper critical of themselves). He said, the mood is nothing to do with you, ask him what he wants you to do and leave him to it'. He'll then learn to get himself out if it.

I'm not a sensitive flower I can ignore a mood, it is the point scoring/pettiness which is really upsetting. I was so looking to this week, so that created added expectations.

I'm 48, he is 56 so he will never change, he did apologise and said he could see how his sister's behaviour was just like his, and how it affected the rest of he family. He still got a couple of digs in at me on the drive back though.

I can't spend NYE with him without explaining how I feel.

The thing is, moody/grumpy people spoil important events just as he has spoilt your Christmas. Then you're treading on eggshells and worrying about what will set him off.

Tbh he has been so open with you about this problem and you have now seen it for yourself, that if you stay with him, you can't complain as you know exactly what you're getting.

I mean, how can people live their lives like this? It is such a waste of energy, when we could just be happy and discuss feelings instead of me being pathetically relieved when he was in a good mood. Ugh. Good for you @Olicity17.

He hasn’t called, he must be up, he knows what’s coming so he will either not call or drive down. I’ll call him if he hasn’t by 3pm. I need to collect my thoughts. What a shitty Christmas to top off an extremely shitty year. I honestly thought he was the one good thing that had happened to me.

@Onedayhey you’re right. The die has been cast. I will always wonder what tiny thing will set him off next.

I met all of his close friends at a party and they kept on going on how great I am compared with his previous girlfriends. It was weird, they seemed relieved in some way. It just goes to show they only got one side of the story. Maybe they’ll see that even with a seemingly ‘normal’ girlfriend (rather than a picture he has painted) that perhaps he might play some part in his relationship breakdowns.

Sod it, who cares. Sorry for rambling it has really helped to write this all down.

I completely agree with the others - he doesn't want to change, it doesn't matter what you say to him, you can't change him.

Also, all those mean things he says about your motivation for doing things? That is telling you clearly how he thinks and behaves - he assumes your behaviour is malicious, because his is. People apply their own thought processes when interpreting someone elses actions.

Be relieved that he's revealed his true colours early enough that you can walk away with minimal damge. Honestly in the long run this is a good thing...

From my experience with a moody partner who was great when he wasn't in a mood, If he's like this in the honeymoon period, then it's going to get a lot worse when he settles into the relationship and gets his feet under the table so to speak.
Whether he knows it or not, he's training you up so you walk on eggshells around him, anxious not wanting to set him off.
Honestly, end it. It doesn't get any better than what it is now.

That’s a good point. That is how he thinks. That is nasty. I’ll keep telling myself, lucky escape, lucky escape. Hopefully it will help to harden my resolve.

I wouldn’t bother with a big heart to heart. It’s a waste of your energy.

He’ll either blame you, be spiteful or cry & promise that things will different.

I’d throw off a text, things not working for me, wish you all the best for the future.

I was going to say there's presumably a lot of projection going on in the minds of these partners - what they say (and in my case, what he texts) about our behaviour is very illuminating about their own perceptions of the world. (As pp says.)

I broke up with my OH about five days before Christmas. I just wasn't having the snotty messages more. I've seen him once since then. I'll see him later today.

The only way anyone like this will change such destructive adaptive behaviours - almost always learned in childhood - is through counselling / therapy. I'll be watching with interest to see what OH does now. He's sorry - but is he sorry enough to do anything about it?

It's really bloody sad.

Oh and Christmas does seem to kick this shit off. Might be the family focus.

I've also realised how angry I am with him. I did tell him, though. There seemed little point bottling it up.

He’ll either blame you, be spiteful or cry & promise that things will different

It's a script, isn't it?

He called, I explained how upset I was and how anxious and uncomfortable he made me feel. He chose the aggressive route unfortunately.

Oh God that's awful. You must be in a bit of shock, and hurt. I'm really sorry.

Are you ok?

I’m sorrty he did that to you Stabby, he has no right. His aggression confirms that you’ve done the right thing though?

Mixed with a bit of blame. I’ve just told my friends this actually, it made them laugh so I’m telling you. We were on this mega 7 hour drive back from Holland and we were starving so dropped by a McDonald’s. he accused me of eating a burger passive aggressively. Anyone? Me neither.

I’m OK. Just heartbroken, the first person I had a connection with in years.

That made laugh. Who does he think he is? Fuck him, start with a clean slate for 2018. I admire your resolve.

And yes, he didn’t surprise me with his reaction unfortunately.

@Liney well done you as well.

So predictable on top of everything else eh? You passive aggressive burger eater you.

I hope you have a lovely night with your mates

Bloody well done you. You sound awesome and strong.

Lucky escape, he sounds like a right douche bag!
Hope you can keep your chin up today op, fresh start tomorrow.
You'll be ok, you sound really strong with your head screwed on.

I'd block him from all media now if I were you.

Wow. That's in a different league. That's unhinged.

Not even a flicker of irony during the passive aggressive burger remark?

Definitely lucky escape. Now you can start the year with a clean slate and full of possibilities.

He clearly told you and showed you what he was like, and you took note. His reaction to your concerns confirms them.

IME we make positive assumptions about how our friends might act in romantic relationships that can prove incorrect.

I love the aggression too....what does he think you’re going to do? Say I’ve made a mistake, you’re really a prince, take me back?

I may be projecting!