Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I make him understand?

126 replies

stabbypokey · 31/12/2017 07:10

After being happily single for 5 or so years I've fallen for a friend I have known for 16 years (we used to work together and have been in and out of each other's lives, as friends over that time). We got together in August and it has been hearts and flowers since then. We have met each other's friends and families and I was really looking forward to spending a Christmas Day with him and then the rest of his family over the past week.

Well the last week has been a real eye opener and not in a good way. When we first got together he said previous girlfriends said he was moody and didn't know how to deal and that he gets angry. Well, yup saw it in spades this week coupled with a horrible pettiness and the need to be 'right' and catastrophising everything. And his sister had a lovely 3 day mood when we were away, so it runs in their family.

I called one of my closest friends who is also really moody in relationships, never with me (common thread for moody people in my life, low self esteem, and hyper critical of themselves). He said, the mood is nothing to do with you, ask him what he wants you to do and leave him to it'. He'll then learn to get himself out if it.

I'm not a sensitive flower I can ignore a mood, it is the point scoring/pettiness which is really upsetting. I was so looking to this week, so that created added expectations.

I'm 48, he is 56 so he will never change, he did apologise and said he could see how his sister's behaviour was just like his, and how it affected the rest of he family. He still got a couple of digs in at me on the drive back though.

I can't spend NYE with him without explaining how I feel.

OP posts:
Oywotchadoin · 01/01/2018 17:40

How you doing today OP?

Original poster
stabbypokey · 01/01/2018 18:15

Feeling a bit wretched, I had a good NYE which took my mind off it a bit. Got a text from him. Told him to give me some time. I think I’m going to write a letter, not sure if I’ll ever send it, to get my thoughts straight. It will also, I hope, stop me from mulling things over.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 01/01/2018 18:22

Bloody hell op. He's abusing you. And in a few short months that you've been together you're already altering your behaviour so as not to trigger him. Please don't go back to him.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 01/01/2018 18:30

I know Xmas Sad two of my friends that I bored with the full details said the same. For my own peace of mind I have to tell him the effect of how he behaved in the past week. I’ll send an email I think. Not that he will see the light and get counselling.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/01/2018 18:57

When we first got together he said previous girlfriends said he was moody and didn't know how to deal and that he gets angry.

You leaving him for this reason won't come as a surprise then. He had the choice to change, but it seems he hasn't bothered.

OnTheRise · 01/01/2018 20:53

Stabby, you've done very well to recognise all the unpleasant controlling behaviours for what they are. I'm sorry you have had such a difficult time, especially over the holidays, but at least things can only get better from here.

LineysRumBaba · 01/01/2018 22:31

I broke up with OH for about 1/100th of this stuff. He's under no illusions about it being his own responsibility to sort his own head out.

And I'd tell him in person. It sounds like he'd view your written words as an opportunity for critique and a bit of revisionism, and you'll end up frustratedly going round in circles.

user764329056 · 01/01/2018 22:55

You can’t change him, he’ll only go to counselling if he wants to change and if he does it for any other reason, ie to pacify you, it’ll all come to nothing anyway, I’d give him a wide berth

Original poster
stabbypokey · 01/01/2018 23:28

That’s a good point about writing to him. He will just pick it apart. But wouldn’t it be worse face to face?

OP posts:
LineysRumBaba · 01/01/2018 23:39

It shouldn't be. Do you think he'll pick what you say apart face to face?

LineysRumBaba · 01/01/2018 23:40

This about closure for you, by the way, not him.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 01/01/2018 23:53

Ok. I’ll message him to say let’s meet up on Friday. Work is horrendously busy so I wouldn’t be in the right headspace before then. Meeting up with my closest friend tomorrow to talk it through. Have just had a nice gentle afternoon drinking session. The amount of stories that have come out about their previous relationships has been an eye opener (they are gay men, super successful and intelligent) all of them are warning me off. I can’t believe two of my newish friends in particular were in horrible relationships for 5 years. But they were in their twenties, at my age I know I need to nip it in the bud. Doesn’t make it easier though.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/01/2018 23:54

You would be writing it down for yourself not for him. He gains nothing from your letter. Except a stick to beat you with.

You would be telling him at length in person for yourself not for him. It does not benefit him in any way. Except to give him an opportunity to sneer and be aggressive.

He knows he pissed you off. He knows he has been dumped for this behaviour in every single one of his prior relationships. He enjoyed it. You noticed he looked triumphant.

So what would be the point of anything lengthy?

Send him a max 2 line email telling him that a relationship with him won't make you happy so it is over and wish him well for the future. The end.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/01/2018 23:56

If you must meet him in person do the 2 line thing verbally and walk out again. Will take seconds. Have a mate waiting.

I don't see the point of that though. Just wastes both of your time. Email and phone are perfectly good communication devices.

How would you expect a meeting to work?

Ashamedandblamed · 01/01/2018 23:59

Honestly wouldn't even bother or waste your energy on coaching his life. What's in it for your? He won't change. Do you honestly want to life the rest of your life holding your words or watching what you do say so you don't trigger a mood.

Forget that. Your worth more than that !

Original poster
stabbypokey · 02/01/2018 00:00

I honestly don’t think he realises he played some part in his previous relationship breakdowns. I now realise that he was accusing previous girlfriends of being controlling. Classic projection. I do need closure as Liney says. I’m not mother Theresa I can’t save him but I need to get it out in some way. I really do thank everyone for your responses. I am a self sufficient independent person, I finally let someone in. It was amazing and in 5 days it turned to absolute shit.

OP posts:
LineysRumBaba · 02/01/2018 00:06

I think you should take some time to get over the shock of this. Don't underestimate it.

You don't actually have to do anything, because it's not going to get any worse, is it? And it wasn't your fault to fix. So take your time to find your own route to closure.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 02/01/2018 00:06

Run rabbit. I don’t know, the meeting might seal the deal because he will be horrible. But I also know that I will be more emotional so I won’t be able to ‘say my piece’ the question is I guess is how do I get closure? Flip flopping at the moment. This will take me a while to get over but I feel I need one final sort of denouement. Whether it is email or face to face, not sure.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/01/2018 00:18

Abusive people love love love to make sure you do not get closure. Remember they get a warm feeling from remembering your reaction to their shit. That's why they do it.

Look for closure in yourself. Independently of him.

I don't believe in closure though. I grew up around such people so I know that's the kind of thinking that continues the enmeshment. I know that, for me, there is no closure only acceptance.

LineysRumBaba · 02/01/2018 00:20

Acceptance - that's a good word for it.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 02/01/2018 00:29

I like that, acceptance. But I feel that I need to be wounded one more time, so I can say to myself ‘there you go, you were right’. Leave myself with a horrible final memory. That’s a bit masochistic isn’t it? I lost my business and my house this year. I’m a coper. I’m just flat and so so so disappointed.

OP posts:
LineysRumBaba · 02/01/2018 00:33

Did your getting together with him in August coincide with losing your business and house? Was he the thing that made it all seem better?

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/01/2018 00:36

A very short text along the lines of 'your previous girlfriends left you because of your miserable attitude. Add me to that list. Do not contact me again. '

End of.
Absolutely no point in trying to make him understand, he already does, he just couldnt give a shit.
Please dump this loser and know you are worth 100 times better Flowers

Cricrichan · 02/01/2018 00:47

Stabby - don't meet him. Honestly, I've spent nearly a decade going round in circles with dh. No amount of reasoning, logic, explaining etc will ever make them see that it's their fault. I get accused of stuff that is laughable and it's pure projection. But for many years I didnt realise it and I wanted to make him understand. It's not possible. You know from all his relationships that according to him he's just been moody but that's the way he is. But he isn't just moody though. He's nasty and already had you worried, changing your behaviour, walking on eggshells etc.

But what if he's nice to you at the meeting? Don't forget he managed a 13 year relationship. I doubt it was 13 years of moody nastiness and I'm sure she tried to break it off and then he'd convince her not to and the cycle would start again.

Original poster
stabbypokey · 02/01/2018 00:51

We reconnected at a friend’s anniversary lunch in April. His mother had just died, I knew my life was about to implode, I was stuck in the house with no money. We made a pact to catch up more regularly, to help each other out. And we did, seeing him once a week as friends really helped me through a stressful time. I knew he fancied me, I just kept him at arms length until I didn’t want to keep him at arms length any more.

OP posts: