My 12 year old dd is very over weight. She gets very angry at me when I try to help. Any advice would be really appreciated!

[Welshcakesareyum]

My dd is very over weight, it has crept on over the last few years. She has always been a fussy eater. I am joining the gym with her in jan but she won't eat anything healthy at all! She is being bullied and it's heart breaking!
Do I tell her it's that (healthy option) or nothing at all. Or a bowl of cereal?
All she will eat is:
Pizza
Chicken wraps
Sandwiches/crisps
Yorkshire pudding/chicken/gravy
Cereal
Toast
Bread
Anything sweet
If I restrict unhealthy food, she will pick at anything she can (cheese, dry bread, ham).
I have tried just allowing treat at the weekend. She spends all of her pocket money on sweets/chocolate.
I encourage healthy food but she refuses to eat it! When I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry at me.
I am struggling here, I have no support from her father. I would really appreciate some advice 😊

I would tackle portion sizes by reducing slightly. I would also get her walking as much as possible - do you drive? Don’t drive or walk part of the journey.

Try and make it a family thing, not just about her. Don’t even say why unless she asks.

Why isn’t her father helping?

Is it just you two? Can you both do healthy eating in new year? Like, clean out all the unhealthy food from the house.

Can you walk to school?
Sign her up for a dance class to keep exercise fun?

I will add - I ate terribly at that age but i did a lot of exercise which kept me slim.

Chicken wraps are fine.
Cereal is fine
Bread is fine
Sandwiches are fine (lean ham/chicken)
Toast is fine
Yorkshire pudding and chicken is fine.
Sandwiches/crisps (low fat/cal ones better like quavers etc) are fine. No need to try to change any of these.

Pizza- try making your own with healthier toppings or but pizzas that are lower calorie. Put them in the oven before she notices what you are doing.

It's the sweet things that are the problem and she must be eating more than you think which when you have low self esteem and are being bullied, can often be the case. Adults do it too. Comfort eating.

I gave up chocolate and replaced it with skinny popcorn cinema sweet. Lovely. Low cal and low in saturated fat.

Get her out walking (family walks)
Suggest going swimming (whole family)
Gym is a good idea.

You need to be discreet and tactful. Difficult age.

Oh and under no circumstances allow fizzy drinks

Thankyou for your messages 😊
She went to dance (3 different classes) but got bored! Grew out of them. I have mentioned going back a few times but she doesn't want to. I have mentioned netball too but it's like she doesn't want to. I drop her to school as I work early. She has a you her sister (10) who eats healthy.
My dd's dad left 6 years ago and has little contact. About 6 months ago I called him to explain she was being bullied and he said he would walk on a Monday with her. It lasted 2 weeks. I can't force him to help, unfortunately.
I'm going to say the new year is healthy eating for us all. The thing is she won't eat anything I make healthy.
I try and mention walking but she won't go so me and my you gets go together. Do I make her?

Work from what she likes first. Cut back on her carbs so no sugary cereals for breakfast.

Let her have ham for breakfast. With an egg & some cucumber.
Grilled chicken wrap for lunch with Quavers or Wotsits.
Make a pizza for tea, using a tortilla base with chopped tomatoes & toppings and a tiny bit of cheese.
Loads of fizzy water with sugar free cordial.
Talk to your GP. Good luck OK x

What does she weigh and how tall is she? That might give a better picture of the problem. We don't know if you need to make small tweaks or drastic changes.
Are you overweight as well?

Dealing with her diet won't work without first dealing with why she is overeating.

It's a vicious circle. Overeats, gets bullied, uses food for comfort, weight gain, bullied more etc etc. Why/when did it start? When dad left? Could you get her counselling?

I think you should go to your GP and ask to be referred to a dietitian. It's such a minefield, teenage girls and weight. Always be supportive and positive about it. You are being a good mum to try to tackle this with her.

Can you phrase it as you are going to try out some new dishes and foods in the new year, not from a health point of view but just because you fancy trying out new tastes and learning to cook new things.
You could look online with her or get some cookbooks from the library and both of you pick out one or two new recipes that you can cook together.
Ok, what she picks might not be that healthy, but it might encourage her to be a bit more open to trying new things and you might find new ways of cooking healthier foods in a really tasty way.

Following as I’m in a similar situation.

I am in almost exactly the same situation, my DD is 14 I am so worried for her, we are both starting gym next month too, but the eating is madness. Only saving grace is that she cannot get to shops on her own from where we live and has no access to money. So it really is all down to me.

Thankyou all 😊
I am overweight (about 2 stone). I have put on weight due to my change in career (and love of wine, which I am giving up in the new year).
It started, probably when my exh left. There is no issues there. We are a little team and we cope without him. We do things together, one to one, lots of cuddles and confidence boosting. I have no concerns there. But, it started around then as our lives changed. Routines etc.
She has met some lovely friends. It's boys who bully her. I have thought about the gp but wanted to see if i could change things first. The cooking together is great advice. I have tried this. I feel like I'm at a point where I need to be firm! Its like she says no im not eating it. I say ok and thats that. I encourage new foods. I am allowing her to refuse it. Allowing her to refuse family walks. Its so difficult.

I think the thing is that she might feel singled out? Is the rest of the family going to be eating the healthy option too or is it just her? I think if it’s the whole family and she just refuses to eat it, then say it’s healthy or nothing. Try joe wicks workouts for the gym, they’re short but really burn fat!

You have probably over indulged her since her dad left and she now knows she can do what she wants and get away with it. You have to take control back.

A tricky situation for you, so difficult. Can she walk to school alone?

Read the books by David Gillespie on sugar-woke me up to the fact that sugar completely ruins your appetite control. I am almost 40 and since almost completely cutting out sugar (8 months ago), I am no longer overweight for first time in 20 years. It’s the sugar I tell you! There are lots of alternatives. Read the books and see whether you can cut down together/make your own biscuits etc.

Also in a way it's easier that you need to lose weight as well. Get rid of all the sugary food and drinks from the house - end of.

Does she get unhealthy lunches at school? If so maybe a packed lunch? And I personally am ultra mean and would stop pocket money if being used to buy sweets and let her spend it when supervised.

This will be hard but it's the most important gift you can give her - a healthy diet and lifestyle xx

The gym is a start. Although, I'm dreadi g it. It's going to be tough dragging my own butt there!
I do try and over compensate, maybe. I just have to be mum and dad! It's difficult!
Yes, she could walk alone but I leave at the same time to drop her younger sister at breakfast club. I just feel more settled knowing I have dropped them there safely. To be honest, it's not far. Still, I'd rather drop her.

Good luck, you sound like a great mum. Supportive but not forcing her.

One tactic might be to let her make her own choices, and just concentrate on yourself. If you are really hands off and low key with her but then lose a load of weight and look/feel great, then that might be quite powerful? Just a thought.

What would she do if all the bad stuff just wasn't in the house?

Bosabosa really? Wow! I bet that was difficult?
Yes, I have thought about stopping pocket money but I feel guilty as all her friends have money on weekends. I try to say to her.....try to make healthy choices, it's ok to have a treat but she would buy rubbish and think that was ok. I really think I need to stop it all together. I feel so cruel because kids love a treat and my youngest does.

If you are overweight, have you thought about joining slimming world and following that diet. If you tell the other members in the household that you will only be making ‘Diet friendly’ food that should have an impact on your daughters weight. I followed slimming world for a year and my husband lost a stone just from having the same dinner as me. You can basically eat anything as long as there is no fat. If you are both joining the gym this should help matters massively.

Thankyou for your kind words, it means so much.
Yes, I am trying to highlight that I'm going to be really healthy and it's great we can go to the gym together. If I left the choices to her she really would make bad ones. I have tried that.
She would eat cheese or ham or dried bread, just pick at anything I guess.