My 12 year old dd is very over weight. She gets very angry at me when I try to help. Any advice would be really appreciated!

[Welshcakesareyum]

My dd is very over weight, it has crept on over the last few years. She has always been a fussy eater. I am joining the gym with her in jan but she won't eat anything healthy at all! She is being bullied and it's heart breaking!
Do I tell her it's that (healthy option) or nothing at all. Or a bowl of cereal?
All she will eat is:
Pizza
Chicken wraps
Sandwiches/crisps
Yorkshire pudding/chicken/gravy
Cereal
Toast
Bread
Anything sweet
If I restrict unhealthy food, she will pick at anything she can (cheese, dry bread, ham).
I have tried just allowing treat at the weekend. She spends all of her pocket money on sweets/chocolate.
I encourage healthy food but she refuses to eat it! When I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry at me.
I am struggling here, I have no support from her father. I would really appreciate some advice 😊

Can you get her involved in cooking meals? She may be willing to try new things if she’s helped prepare them? At least that’s the theory. Didn’t work for me (not overweight but fussy) but did with my daughter. She’ll try new things particularly if she’s made them herself. She is also overweight and not even paeds or dietitians can work out why. Smaller portions would take her into the realm of malnutrition (according to dietician) and we’ve been told to wait it out, she’s large build and the doctors think she’ll grow out of being overweight. One thing they did say is not to lose weight at this age but to restrict gain and wait for her to get taller/outgrow her weight. My daughter does this one or twice a year then consistently gains again until next growth spurt. I worry about her being bullied and the doctors and dietician don’t take that into account with their wait it out philosophy.

I'd stop allowing her to buy sweets and chocolate with pocket money . I'd encourage her to take up exercise and maybe as a family do walks . Also everyone in the family should eat healthy and that way she doesn't feel singled out

Cut out white carbs replace with brown taste s pretty much the same and has made a big difference for me

I agree with the PP about cutting RIGHT down on sugar overall. I picked up a couple of books at the local library about quitting sugar and they were quite the eye-opener.

Also just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely Mum who is trying her best to help. Good luck with everything - you can definitely do this together!

I think you should lose the weight first in a really healthy way (maybe try the 1700 diet with plenty of exercise) to role model it for her. When she sees you lose the weight she might be inclined to follow or at least listen to you.

Oh Thankyou, that's so lovely to hear 😊 really kind!
Yes, I am ready for this in the new year. I am hoping my dd is too. I'm going to try to be a little more firm with her.
Good luck to everyone in the same position. It's so difficult knowing what to do for the best as we want our dd's to be healthy and confident in their own skin, don't we?

I think you're right that you need to be firm, but you can hide it behind YOU wanting to lose weight, along with health concerns for both of you . Imo, she's 12. She doesn't get to refuse family walks. It's good for all of you health and weight wise, and a nice thing to do together.

Re meals. I would get rid of all the unhealthy snacks on the house. Make healthy meals, which include something she will eat, and offer that or nothing. Make sure there is one meal a day that she will eat with no problems. Allow treats but be rigist with them. Also, can you motivate her with non food treats? Maybe chat about how when your old jeans fit you again you'll treat yourself to a new pair, or something? I think you can do a lot towards helping her, off the back of you wanting to lose weight too.

Being very overweight at this age is setting her up for a lifetime of it, you're right to try and sort it out now. Good luck!

I would stop all pocket money if she's spending it on sweets. Tell her you'll put it in a savings account to do something nice later in the year.

It might be worth having a look at rebelfit.
They are very much against dieting (dieting in the long term makes you fatter) but are about nutrition education and training/fitness.
The missions are Bronze which covers nutrition education and the focus is very much into less processed food rather than calorie/portion control but the bottom line is that no food is banned, it's about the context of that food in the rest of your diet.
They discuss things like emotional overeating and binge eating in a very guilt free way (it's what your body is design to do) and help you to identify eating cues/foods that are more likely to make you over eat.
The silver missions include access to bronze and also some training. They post a 10 minute workout per day. They are all fine from home and require no equipment (body weight type stuff and a bit of cardio)
All completely doable. Maybe you could do them together.
Rather than going on a "diet" why not give her the nutrition armoury for the rest of her life?
I've just done Bronze and silver together. It has been life changing. I will never view food in the same way. My cravings are down and I eat so much less and I don't stress about food.
The downside is that some of the open FB posts are quite sweary and ranty which I think puts a lot of people off. They certainly wouldn't be suitable for a 12 year old, I think they are designed to attract attention. But once you get into a mission, the posts are incredibly factual and encourage you to monitor fitness rather than weight as an outcome.
I'm sure if you were interested and emailed them they would be able to advise you on whether it would be suitable for you and her to follow.

There are two issues here.

1. Bullying - are school dealing with this?

2. weight.

I'd be sneaky with portion sizes, get her to be more active in a subtle way and not buy any junk/fattening food (not judging, I buy loads).

At the moment, you have a wee bit of control over the situation as she's not doing the good shop.

Hate bullies, hate to think of kids being afraid to go to school.

All the best to you both.

If it's boys bullying her... Has she developed early? She might be putting/keeping on weight to have some control over her body and to deliberately try to look unattractive. I remember being sexually bullied around that age by schoolboys. :/

Anyway, I would work more on sorting the bullying, moving school if necessary than her weight.

You can follow all of this advice but until you and she know why she is over eating nothing will work. It sounds probable that she has a compulsive eating disorder, which is every bit as much of a mental health issue as anorexia or bulimia. Some counselling, CBT or hypnotherapy might address the root cause.

Over eating is often a sign of unhappiness, so if you could try and deal with the bullying first then it might help. Could she move schools? If not are her teachers being proactive about sorting things out? I was badly bullied at school and it was beyond depressing.
As for the food - I know it sounds harsh but if you only have healthy food available then she’ll eventually have to eat it. She could buy treats with her pocket money, but any other food eaten at home has to be healthy. She’ll probably be really fed up but after a few weeks of it she’ll notice the benefits and feel her clothes getting bigger on her which will spur her on

Exercise is good but won’t shift the fat. You both need to stop buying shit and eating if. Keepna close eye on whatvshes buying at school or on the way to school. Set yourselves a target that you can buy by saving money.

My son had got into unhealthy eating habits in year 7. Plus too much time idle. Over one summer he lost a stone without us noticing, he just decided he didn’t like his body shape and only he could change it. After a few weeks we started seeing it and friends walked past him in the street, he’d become so angular. It did wonders for him, he’s now also a gifted sportsman.
We all know the only way effective weight loss comes is that state of mind. That moment when you take the bull by the horns and go for it. No excuses, no turning back etc.
Remember Oprah? Live your best life ?

You have more control over her environment than you’re willing to accept responsibility for and that needs to change. You complain about her behaviour but make excuses for your own and that hypocrisy probably isn’t lost on her.

Let her walk to school, make healthier versions of her favourite foods and involve her in the prep, start walking as a family etc. There are lots of little changes you can implement now and given that you’re overweight too, you can and should be leading by example.

Genetics pay a big part and just because your ten year old is slimmer doesn’t mean she wouldn’t also benefit from lifestyle changes.

Don't worry too much about dragging her to the gym/forcing to her exercise. It's all about overhauling what and how much she eats.

Losing weight is 80% diet and 20% exercise

I concur it's the sugar. I've gone mad over Christmas and feel horrendous. I must cut the sugar out again and regain control.

I agree with someone re the carb swaps. Brown bread for white, wholemeal pasta for white pasta, brown rice for white etc. Basically just get rid of the refined carbs. If she picks can’t you keep the bread out of site? Picking at lean ham shouldn’t be too bad unless she’s eating packets upon packets, it’s the sweets that sound the issue and I wonder if she’s picking at sweets because of bullying?

Also I make the kids pitta pizza. Wholemeal pitta spread with passata and let them put their own toppings on.

Yep, same boat here. Also a lone parent and getting to work on time means we drive everywhere. My eldest is 11 and has gone from being skinny to tubby almost overnight. Youngest has always been the same.

Both refuse walks and the eldest is very stubborn and whinges continuously when we try.

They will go on their bikes though and this thread has motivated me to get them off their sodding laptops and onto their bikes. We are off on a bike ride....

We have the same issue with ds12. I attacked it head on in year 6 at primary school as I felt it needed addressing before high school. Went to see a dietician at the hospital - useless.

Paid for him to go to a summer camp called More Life for children and teens. Expensive but excellent which helped him make choices for himself with regards to food. He's still using the techniques now. He also joined something called Healthy Choices which was run by our local council and gave advice and exercise on a weekly basis.

Our family is fairly healthy I think. I'm thinnish, so is son No. 1 and husband is a fitness freak. Husband has done coach to 5k with son which is a running app and gradually builds the exercise so its not so daunting. Son can now run for 25 minutes straight. He is also attending the teen session at the gym twice a week.

We have instilled in him that he has the ability to change and improve for his own benefit and health. He has thankfully taken this on board and is keen.

Thankyou all so much for your messages and advice. I have been dealing with the boys at school.
I'm going to not buy anything sweet and I do track what she eats at school. We are hoi ing the gym. I think I need to be more for. I'm going to be a little more forceful with the walking. When she's out and about, I'm sure she will enjoy it as me and my youngest do.
I'm so worried as they have had lots of chocolate and cakes over the festive period, it's going to be like a sugar detox.
I woukd love to be able to pay for a boot camp as I thonk someone else telling her she would listen. She gets angry at me.