My 12 year old dd is very over weight. She gets very angry at me when I try to help. Any advice would be really appreciated!

[Welshcakesareyum]

My dd is very over weight, it has crept on over the last few years. She has always been a fussy eater. I am joining the gym with her in jan but she won't eat anything healthy at all! She is being bullied and it's heart breaking!
Do I tell her it's that (healthy option) or nothing at all. Or a bowl of cereal?
All she will eat is:
Pizza
Chicken wraps
Sandwiches/crisps
Yorkshire pudding/chicken/gravy
Cereal
Toast
Bread
Anything sweet
If I restrict unhealthy food, she will pick at anything she can (cheese, dry bread, ham).
I have tried just allowing treat at the weekend. She spends all of her pocket money on sweets/chocolate.
I encourage healthy food but she refuses to eat it! When I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry at me.
I am struggling here, I have no support from her father. I would really appreciate some advice 😊

What's happening about the bullying?

The school have spoken to the boys involved. This was about 4 weeks ago. I'm hoping all will be ok in the new year. I will go back if not and the parents will be informed. My dd did not want me to go in as apparently these boys are popular and she was worried about it becoming worse.
She was embarrassed me getting involved.

Welshcakes there are a number of free places available at More Life . Maybe you could contact them? I am not sure if you need to be referred by a doctor as we didn't go via that route.

I8toys really? Oh Ok, I will Google now...
I have been thinking about seeing our GP for a few weeks. I will look now to see 😊 Thankyou!

It really changed his attitude to himself and food. It can be day or residential over the summer holidays. They take them out for the day and go to Macdonalds and places they would normally go such as the supermarket and talk about their choices. They listen to their peers and the counselors so much more than they do to their parents sadly.

I just wanted to say what a wonderful mum you are trying to help your DD.
I was overweight as a child and my mother buried her head in the sand and never offered me any kind of support to loose the excess weight.
I was lucky there was no bullying but I have always said if it happens to one of mine I will offer as much support as humanly possible.
Good luck to you both, needing to loose weight sucks!

I have read the whole thread, and you are getting lots of great advice!

My DD was quite chubby as a young child, but she's slim now at 13. What I did notice from what you describe is that her diet is very carb heavy. My DD is quite the carb fiend, and I really have to work on balancing her intake, she would eat bread all day if she could.

So I suggest you look at healthy fats and good protein. The fats will satiate her so she won't crave the sugar and carbs as much.

Good fats and protein like eggs for breakfast (any way, boiled, fried, scrambled) as they will keep her full (she will need 2 or 3). If she likes it, she can also have 2-3 rashers of bacon or an avocado. Perhaps natural Greek yoghurt?

Nuts are great snacks, my DD likes pistachios and walnuts.

Does she have school lunches? See if you can avoid it because of the pudding. Give her a sandwich and cut up veg like carrots and peppers. Olives are a good lunch box addition too.

For dinners see if you can lower the carbs (ie the potato, rice, spaghetti etc) and give her filling veg like cabbage (I know, easier said than done, but thinly sliced cabbage fried gently in butter is lovely - most cooked veg are so much better with fats!) and focus on meats that she likes - my DD loves burgers, so I make cheese burgers with no buns and homemade oven chips. She also likes roast chicken and chili con carne with a small jacket potato.

For pudding you could see if she likes dark chocolate (in small quantities of course)?

I wouldn't worry too much about the exercise if it makes her angry. Just make sure you walk or cycle to and from school and avoid driving as much as possible - walk to the shops etc. Take what you can get, basically!

I've followed your thread with a lot of interest as also have overweight 12 year old DD. She does 5 to 7 hours of sport a week on top of school PE but it doesn't seem to impact on her size and she has gained extra weight since starting secondary. My DD is very sporty and in all the school teams but she is easily the size of a child three years older.

I know she buys unhealthy snacks at school and also craves carbs and eats very little fruit and veg at home (the rest of the family eat reasonably healthily). Her online school dinner record was a long list of pannini, pizza, flapjack, iced bun so she is now on sandwiches from home. But a supermarket outside the secondary school with all the big Cadbury bars and grab bags at £1 is a real trap for her too. And there is no longer the same running around at break that she used to get at primary.

I really like misscph's suggestions. My DD is already having scrambled egg every morning though - because she loves it and I'm trying to keep her full until late (1.30pm) school lunchtime. I suspect there is no one magic thing and I am just trying to get her to think about what she chooses and maintain for now and hoping next growth spurt will sort it out. Good luck OP, you have inspired me to keep going and to actively do more than just wait. Would be very interested to know how cutting down the sugar of a teen works out in practice.

Sorry, that sounds like I think you can't cut back on sugar, I'm sure you will. Just sometimes seems the whole culture for teens is sugar based. Sleepovers are always pizza/cake/coke/sweets. School snacks on sale at break are iced buns/giant biscuits and flapjacks. And the reward from school for my DD having 100% attendance at end of term was a large double chocolate cookie. It seems ingrained that sugar equals reward so I think it is probably tougher for a teen to go against that than an adult.

This is a lovely thread. Nice helpful advice. Think the making choices is a good tip. You know rationalising like one big meal a day and one smaller.

I8toys unfortunately nothing in my area but I'm going to call our local council. The gym is free for her as I am a full time student so that's a start. Thankyou 😊
Thankyou everyone, it means so much to have such support off people I have never met. It's hard being a parent sometimes. Knowing what we should do for the best. Being a single parent is lonely sometimes, so thankyou all so much.
ImNotAFlower thankyou that means so much. All have been kind in giving me advice. I didn't get any emotional support growing up either. It has a massive impact on your overall self esteem doesn't It? I don't want that for my dd's.
Miniminimus I knew what you meant 😊 that's going to be so so hard, just cutting down. Even my you gets will struggle. I'm going to struggle but I'm determined to make some changes this new year.
Thankyou for the tips, great ideas here. I'm really grateful. I know I keep saying that haha but I really am.

My ds started to put on weight at secondary due to freedom of lunch choices, plus longer days, much more sports and more activity walking around school.

He was absolutely starving by lunch time so ate carbs to fill up.By hometime he was super hungry again so wanted to snack on sugar.He was on a sugar roller coaster.

I changed his breakfast to more protein based, eggs but bacon sometimes.I also gave him healthier snacks at end of day, cheese or ham with crackers.It has really balanced out but I can see how weight could creep on very quickly once you are in the sugar craving cycle.

@Miniminimus, secondary school is a nutritional minefield! I can't believe that schools serve such rubbish food. Teenage culture is indeed all about sugar. I am not really sure what to do about that, they are so easily tempted at that age, I remember it from myself. I think you have done right in giving her sandwiches, I do the same, I allow my DD to have a school meal once a week only. I think they will crave it more if it's 100% forbidden.

I think all we can do is give them nutritious food at home. My mum was very brown rice and biodynamic vegetables, and although I did eat unhealthy outside of the home as a teen and young adult, my home food culture definitely made a difference.

For New Years Eve dinner I spent a silly amount of time in the supermarket finding healthy party food. I got smoked salmon, cheese, paté and I made a pea and mint soup, buckwheat blinis for the salmon, cut up veg and hummus. I left it to my DD and younger DS to present the food and set the table. They had a great time and the table looked beautiful. I was so pleased with myself, it really is possible to get them to enjoy healthy food. I hope I don't sound smug! But I think that investing in getting our DC involved in the choosing and preparation of healthy food will benefit them for life.

Make any pocket money or allowance you give to her contingent on completing exercise. Reduce portion size. You should commit to having a healthy shopping trolley from now on. Try to reduce sugar in all your diets. This all helps.

I have the same problem; huge sympathies from me. You've had loads of advice, so I'll just recommend a really good book: www.amazon.co.uk/Im-Like-SO-Fat-Weight-Obsessed/dp/1572309806/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?keywords=mom+I%27m+so+fat&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1514838795&sr=8-1-fkmr1. Ignore the terrible title - aimed at the US market - it's one of the only books I'm aware of that addresses teen obesity in a holistic way, arguing that children with good body image find it easier to sustain good habits, and that part of treating overweight is responding to the reality that fat kids have nearly always been bullied.

As I think others have said, I wouldn't put too much focus on the exercise if it's going to be a source of conflict. Exercise is important for lots of reasons, but it's not very effective on its own to lose weight. Cutting down on sugar, on the other hand, is.

OP I have two overweight kids - it’s so hard. My 18 year old became overweight at 12 because she was eating crap on the way to and from school, and at school. It wasn’t what she was eating at home, it was the extra 2000 calories a week of shite she bought with her pocket money in Greggs or at the chicken shop without me knowing.

Are you sure the problem is what she eats at home?

“But a supermarket outside the secondary school with all the big Cadbury bars and grab bags at £1 is a real trap for her too“

You can buy 1000’s of calories of crap for a couple of quid.

What hope is there for kids like mine - my youngest who has autism who eats compulsively, and my oldest who has mental heath problems relating to abuse in her early adolescence and eats to comfort herself?

:-(

I have been to the GP and begged for help and got none.

My one child who is neurotypical and mentally healthy is as thin as a rake. We eat healthily at home and have good portion control. All my kids eat a varied diet with plenty of good quality proteins, vegetables etc. But they get out the house with a couple of quid in their pocket and it’s like sugar and refined carbs Babylon out there. 😳

Totally agree with getting rid of sugar(and pocket money if this is how it is spent)

Could she find a teen yoga class? Somewhere that teaches mindfulness, confidence and body awareness? Maybe an easier way into exercise than the gym?

Try and find healthy foods that she likes. I'm not mad on a lot of fruit but I do like cherries (not cheap at the moment) melon and grapes and sometimes satsumas. Oh and avocado. And she might like couscous or quinoa if you try some recipes together. Or get her a book of healthy cooking ask her to look through it and see if there's anything she likes. I don't think nagging will help much. (From one who knows. ) And don't keep loads of chocolate crisps and other junk stuff in the house. But as others say tread carefully as you don't want her to get an eating issue. Hope things get better.

It's so ridiculous to suggest an odd walk somewhere is going to drastically change a body shape!!! Being active in general is obviously beneficial for overall health but the amount of calories burnt in a gentle stroll to school is minimal.

I was overweight for years despite exercising regularly (gym, long distance running etc). But even calories burned in a 10k run is only a McDonald's or two... there's the phrase you can't out exercise a bad diet.

Changing what and how much she eats is the only solution for weight. I dont have any advise how to approach that but it's frustrating to see posters suggesting that walking to school once a week or the off dance class is the solution!!

“and pocket money if this is how it is spent“

Imagining OP’s daughter cropping up on the stately homes thread in 10 years time describing how her thin sibling was given pocket money but she wasn’t because she was overweight....

@mummypig14, I think it might have been me who suggested walking. I had no intention of upsetting you. Maybe I should have been clearer.

Exercise can easily be perceived as a punishment. And like you say, you can't out exercise a bad diet, I agree with that. But it's easier to change habits slowly, and the current generation of teens are not very active plus our parent generation are quite happy to be a taxi service. Getting into a habit of not using the car but walking will make a difference long term. I remember at my DDs pre school a morbidly obese mum would park literally at the door step to the school every day. I don't think this is what mad her so overweight, but that kind of attitude does not help.

Is there any fun physical activity that she might like that won't seem a bit of a chore, that you could let her do for a 'treat'?
I was getting a little chubby at thirteen or so and my mum 'let' me go ice skating and swimming every weekend because I loved those. Did not realise for over a decade that she'd done that to put my weight back on track.

This is a very difficult situation as when she hears it from you she will feel hurt . I was overweight when I was 11 but we had doctors visiting School.they just stated that I needed to change my diet so I accepted my parents did that .
So maybe go to gp for advice , tell the gp beforehand that you want support to get your child on a healthier diet . Then visit with your child later on .It’s hard to get support though as the nhs will maybe give you one consultation with a dietian . But if you can make a plan and support your daughter , it might work . If she really doesn’t want to do anything there’s not so much you can do but to support her and love her unconditionally.

Thankyou everyone 😊
The Christmas chocs have gone and I jave a bowl full of fruit. They're both extremely disappointed with my choice if treats. I'm 2 days in and I'm already finding it so so hard. Last night (first day of eating healthier), we had a roast dinner and later my dd was hungry so she had a ham wrap and French fries (lower fat crisps). She would not touch the fruit. Then aske if we can go to McDonald's the next day. I explained we had eaten lots of treats and like everyone else, had to try and eat healthier. She get so angry at me. Telling me she's allowed a treat. Tonight, they're having friends over, who have turned up with treats. It's not like this happens every night, so will allow it. I just don't feel like I have started well.
To answer questions... I have advised, hockey, netball, and dance but she doesn't want to. I'm determined to keep offering healthy snacks and stop buying rubbish.
Pocket money - I will lower the amount and tell them both no rubbish in the week. I would not give one without the other. If she continues to buy rubbish, I will explain to both of them.
I have said we are ALL eating healthy.
To be honest, I have a feeling she isn't going to come to the gym.
This is going to be a hard few months!!