My 12 year old dd is very over weight. She gets very angry at me when I try to help. Any advice would be really appreciated!

[Welshcakesareyum]

My dd is very over weight, it has crept on over the last few years. She has always been a fussy eater. I am joining the gym with her in jan but she won't eat anything healthy at all! She is being bullied and it's heart breaking!
Do I tell her it's that (healthy option) or nothing at all. Or a bowl of cereal?
All she will eat is:
Pizza
Chicken wraps
Sandwiches/crisps
Yorkshire pudding/chicken/gravy
Cereal
Toast
Bread
Anything sweet
If I restrict unhealthy food, she will pick at anything she can (cheese, dry bread, ham).
I have tried just allowing treat at the weekend. She spends all of her pocket money on sweets/chocolate.
I encourage healthy food but she refuses to eat it! When I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry at me.
I am struggling here, I have no support from her father. I would really appreciate some advice 😊

Good luck. My daughter (14) and I are going to do couch to 5k together - I did it in the summer and now she has suggested we do it from the start together, Would you be up for that? I find it hard to make the time to go to exercise classes etc, but live near a park so popping out for half an hour is more doable.

OOAOML thanks! That's great. Good luck! I have just been to buy new gym clothes. I'm really ready for changes but really struggling to think of what and when. It's so difficult with work and I don't have any other support. So thinking if we go to the gym, who will watch my youngest dd. I'm wondering if we will stick to exercise without the classes/gym.

Does your dd drink enough water? Sometimes teens confuse thirst with hunger.

It is great that you are showing her healthy eating choices and that you are willing to help her with exercise. These things are important for life and good for her to know.

However she might not be ready for too many changes at once.

• You don't want her getting obsessed with food - dieting like that leads to obesity.

Losing weight (without getting obsessed by it) is the healthiest change she can make.)

Keep in mind that 'healthy eating' isn't the same as 'slimming'. You can put weight on eating 'healthy' foods just as well as if you eat 'junk' foods.

It is perfectly possible to lose weight while eating 'junk'. It just means eating less of it.

The very best ideas for weight loss at her age:
-find new and active things to do (orienteering - table-tennis - dog-walking for neighbours... paid if possible - paper rounds and working in a shoe shop have worked well for slightly older teens.)

• eat fewer calories. The easiest way is probably offering slightly reduced portion sizes - of everything she normally eats. Model and serve good portion sizes but don't make too much fuss. (So offer her a big meal of healthy lower calorie foods or a smaller meal of high calorie ones.)

  Sticking to meal times and avoiding around meal snacks works well for most people but you don't want to change everything at once. Have lower calorie snacks available - but perhaps on one or two days have the kind she is used to. Don't make these treat days - just include them as routine... infrequent but routine.

Aim for slow pace of change. The speed she put on weight was probably quite slow too.

Just another view here - be really careful about pushing hard for weight loss at this age. That's what my mum did - with the best of intentions - and I got thin but that plus the bullying also led to an eating disorder that has done me far more damage than the original puppy fat. Now I'm a mum I understand even more how much my own mother hurt by seeing me teased, but at the time it felt like being attacked from all sides. So often overeating is already about control (or feeling the lack of it), so it's important she feels like this is her decision, or it will never stick.

If you Google 'intuitive eating' as well as healthy at every size, there are some good resources, that can put her in charge of her own body. The book 'Fat is a feminist issue' by Rosie Orbach is an oldie but a goodie, or there's a great and really approachable book about bingeing, aimed at younger girls and women, called: the good girls drug' by Sunny Sea Gold. If she eats intuitively she probably will lose weight - because she will bring touch with her hunger - though she may end up healthily but naturally on the sturdier size, just like others are healthily but naturally on the skinnier side.

I'm not someone who thinks that you can be a size 26 and perfectly healthy, but also think that too much pressure can be more harmful than helpful.
Great you're starting with the gym, hope you can both get healthier and happier in the new year!

Very good point Runneroutofusernames .

Some of the advice here is well meaning but really terrible. Some things to consider:

• Diets per sa, don’t work. Usually when the momentum for a diet has run its course, weight gain is greater than weight loss.
• approx 80% of wight loss is based on caloric intake. The residual 20% is exercise.
• muscle mass is 17% more dense than fat. Muscle uses mariginally more Calories than fat at a resting state.
• sugar is poison. Not literally, but you get what I mean. Simple.....don’t buy the shit. No fizzy drink, no sweets, no cake. Just don’t.
• make lifestyle changes, not diets. Changes or decision made should be things that are achievable and realistic.
• eat food with low GI. eat fruit and veg. Don’t eat processed food. Don’t deep fry shit. It’s all common sense. There’s so much information out there. Don’t buy white bread....buy whole grain bread. Etc etc
• if the little darling has a bleat "there’s nothing to eat" tell them to eat fruit.
• don’t make unrealistic exercise promises. Whatever you decide, commit to it. Come rain, hail or sunshine. It might just be a half hour walk with the dog three times a week. Commit to it!
• remember ..... this is a life style change....not a diet!

Good luck.

I have a teenager who struggled with additional weight around this age. It is great that you are looking to tackle your weight together. At the moment you have a really useful window of time when your daughter is still growing. Therefore I would focus on keeping her weight stable. I would do this by reducing portion sizes, additional snacks and look at drinks (avoiding juice as well as sugary drinks). I would also look at building her self esteem and including treats which aren't food based - nice things you can do together. Also I know this won't suit everyone but my daugher started volunteering at a local riding stables. Gradually (very gradually) she lost the additional weight. Hope this helps.

Great job with your shopping and not budging, Welshcakesareyum*!

@Loveache, your mum did really well, there is a lot to learn from that. I think our parent generation panic a lot and involve our DC too much - we should just "manipulate" and never mention these things!

@Welshcakesareyum, I'm surprised that your DD was hungry later after a roast dinner. Did she not eat much at dinner? It's so easy to allow snacking, as parents we find it so hard to deny our children food, it's our job to feed them!

I am very strict myself with snacking, I only a allow the occasional afternoon snack. It was hard to begin with, but they never ask for a snack at any other time these days. They know the answer.

I recently read that as parents the main reason that it's hard to parent teenagers is that we have spent years making sure they brushed their teeth, that they did their homework etc, and when they are teens they should start managing these things themselves. But they still need us to remind them, only now they get upset when we remind them. In the same way we are still (very!) responsible for their eating, so you just carry on, teens need all the help they can get with eating! Just ignore the moaning.

On another note - of course fruit is a much better choice than a chocolate bar, but fruit sugar is still sugar. Obviously there's lots of goodness in fruit like vitamins and fiber, but it will not help wean off sugar cravings because of the fruit sugar. My DH has quite the sugar addiction that he really has to work hard on managing, and he has to be careful with the sugar. Dried fruit is even more sugary.

On another note - of course fruit is a much better choice than a chocolate bar, but fruit sugar is still sugar. Obviously there's lots of goodness in fruit like vitamins and fiber, but it will not help wean off sugar cravings because of the fruit sugar. My DH has quite the sugar addiction that he really has to work hard on managing, and he has to be careful with the sugar. Dried fruit is even more sugary.

You guys really need to educate yourselves rather offer gratuitous musings. Sugar is made up of fructose and glucose. The ratio of each varies in the type of fruit. Fruit is digested differently to sugary processed snacks.

www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/29/fruit-sugar-versus-white-sugar_n_3497795.html

www.diabetesdaily.com/blog/2014/09/white-sugar-vs-fruit-sugar-theres-a-big-difference/

If you don’t know what you’re talking about, I suggest you do some research before posting rubbish.

Just looked at the books and also googled intuitive eating. Thankyou, I really appreciate this advice. All advice as not just one thing works for all. So ALL advice is helpful.
The sugar - this is going to be difficult in itself. I can't restrict natural sugars. I have a busy lifestyle and no other support so I can't change too much. I wish I could but it's difficult.
I'm definitely going to introduce small changes. I think then, more will follow. I have more to learn. I snack in between my shifts. I'm going to change things for us all.
My dd did not have veg yesterday. Mash, beef and yorkshire pudding. She wont eat veg. I made a pizza for tea, for my dd's and their friends. All were happy with 2 slices. My dd was looking for more.
I can mentally try the intuitive eating, looms good. My dd, I'm not sure. I feel like I am forever saying. Do you need that, try something healthier. I try and explain that me and my youngest ate not hungry after our plate full of veg. I'm forever asking her to fill up on healthy foods. If I said to her eat only when you are hungry she would just eat, saying she is.
I definitely need to I ignore her strops and moaning.

I’m sorry Op. I’m gonna be harsh. You making Yorkshire pudding and pizza is enabling the problem. That’s maybe why she didn’t eat the veg? There is very little healthy about pizza. Granted home made is better than bought, but is still a sometime food.

I assume you limited the amount of butter in the mash? It’s the little one percenters that will make a change to lifestyle. Make salads. Make several veg....boil, bake, steam, microwave....it matters not. If she doesn’t eat it, she won’t starve. Don’t buy white bread. You’ve got to enable the change.

Good luck.

I don't mind harsh! I'm grateful for advice.
I mentioned earlier on in my posts, she won't eat it.

Welshcakes that sounds hard! I was that teenager Do you find that the more you push (eg try something healthier), the more she pushes back? Because she is becoming a teenager and right now food is her battleground, her way of asserting her control and independence. Im sure she naturally has a big appetite, but there's also something driving her to spend her pocket money on food as you describe, instead of for example makeup, or going out with friends.

One other thing I've done with my kids is the Ellyn Satter model, recommended by some of the healthcare people who used to help me (and the American association of paediatrics)- it's a simple idea that does require some nerves of steel in the early days. It's called Division of Responsibility -and the idea is that you choose what you serve and when, and the child chooses whether to eat and how much. She then gets to learn what her real appetite is - because soon she will be out of your control in any case, and she needs to make the right decisions for herself. It also allows her to exert her control, without you losing yours (even if there are a few nights when she eats nothing but a huge bowl of rice, to prove a point, as my eldest did!) By taking so much arguing out of meals, it calms down the whole atmosphere around food which can help a lot, and improve your broader relationship.

www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/satter-eating-and-feeding-models/

Whatever you do, you sound like such a thoughtful and supportive mum x

Following too as could have written this about my DS aged 10. But he will eat lots of fruit and veg in fact he would eat 1kg of grapes in one sitting which must be just as bad as the unhealthy stuff surely

No point mentioning her weight you may have to wait till she admits it to herself. Self denial is the thing you have to beat. Try and givee her rewards at end of each week. I.e. eat 4 healthy foods and you can have 1 thing you really like. Gradually add more healthy food as you go along. Don't give her money, buy her something instead so she's not tempted to buy sweets etc. Buy her make up so she starts to take pride in herself. This could kick start her into dieting, but wait and let her make the decision. The more you go on about it the more she will fight you. Don't make a big thing about it. Give her compliments when she puts make up on, go buy a pretty outfit for her, with her. Get her interested in what she wears. Don't draw attention to what she eats. Try and make healthy foods look attractive. Do everything in a roundabout way. No confrontation about it.

Thankyou, just had a little look at your link. I can see why you think she may eat more, the more I mention to stop. I have also tried not saying anything. She is still the same.
That was really helpful, that link. Lots to look at. Reading all these articles has definitely made me think differently.
I think, what I'm going to do is, stop buying rubbish. Buy healthier snacks and let her make the choices. Not sure the gym is going to work. Obviously I know it could help but right now, I don't think it's a goal that she will stick with. Maybe, more family walks!

I mentioned earlier on in my posts, she won't eat it.

Then she doesn’t eat it. She goes hungry. No big deal.

I was asked why my dd didn't eat veg to fill up on. I answered because she won't eat it.
Actually, no! That's not how I'm going to handle it. She will not go hungry! I have taken on board everyone's advice, as I had no clue what to do as I felt I had tried everything.
I have read some great posts here. Had some fabulous advice. Lots of kind words.
I feel confident in going forward and it doesn't involve hunger or the gym 😊
Before I posted, it would have resulted in that but, I have been reading all evening on every link, every book and googled everything advised on here.
Thankyou all!

Welshcakes, that is a very strong reaction to the thought of your daughter going hungry, through choice, not through no food being available. Food can be so bloody emotional and I feel for you.

After you EXH left, did you endeavour to make a cosy home with lovely comfort food? It's a hunch and i could be wildly off.

Another thing to consider is your dd is reaching puberty. The body shape changes and roaring hormones don't help. Also, does your dd eat fast? Its a proven fact that if you eat fast, you eat more. If you chew each mouthful several times you slow down your eating. The brain sends signals after so many chews to say your full. If you can make your meal last at least 20 minutes by chewing a lot you will eat a lot less. Sounds barmy but it does work!

well, good luck OP. I think you’ll need it.

Make your own pizza so there are less additives, you can control the amount of cheese that goes on the pizza.

Buy skinni wraps from Morrison's, there £1 and much nicer than the other ones.

Give her a dessert after dinner, providing she eats it, so it's all in one.

If she likes sweet things, give her chopped strawberries with a teaspoon of sugar over the top.

The Matilda Ramsey cookbook is good. Easy appealing meals my 9 and 12 year olds getting into cooking but will only do things from "their" cookbooks. Dd2 "made" Tilly's beef enchiladas last night which were gobbled up.

The only things that works for weight loss imo are cut snacks, dinner on smaller plates, only water to drink and up your exercise.

@Cleavergreene, you are being very harsh and assuming that you know everything.

I assume you limited the amount of butter in the mash? - this very much depends on the research you have done. I eat low carb high fat. I am guessing you are still stuck in 1980s "fat is bad for you"?