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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My 12 year old dd is very over weight. She gets very angry at me when I try to help. Any advice would be really appreciated!

140 replies

Welshcakesareyum · 29/12/2017 19:46

My dd is very over weight, it has crept on over the last few years. She has always been a fussy eater. I am joining the gym with her in jan but she won't eat anything healthy at all! She is being bullied and it's heart breaking!
Do I tell her it's that (healthy option) or nothing at all. Or a bowl of cereal?
All she will eat is:
Pizza
Chicken wraps
Sandwiches/crisps
Yorkshire pudding/chicken/gravy
Cereal
Toast
Bread
Anything sweet
If I restrict unhealthy food, she will pick at anything she can (cheese, dry bread, ham).
I have tried just allowing treat at the weekend. She spends all of her pocket money on sweets/chocolate.
I encourage healthy food but she refuses to eat it! When I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry at me.
I am struggling here, I have no support from her father. I would really appreciate some advice 😊

OP posts:
RunningOutOfCharge · 03/01/2018 09:21

There's nothing wrong with letting her feel hunger!!!

Hunger is normal but is damped down with this weird snack snack snack problem whereby people ( parents!) won't allow the feeling of hunger!!! Why not?

It's what we are supposed to feel, it's a prompt to add nutrition to our bodies so we survive

user1494670108 · 03/01/2018 09:25

Good luck Welsh, I'd love to hear from someone at the end of this journey as my own dd is similar. We end up with conflict over food which is absolutely not what I want.

RunningOutOfCharge · 03/01/2018 09:28

Problem only gets worse

Once they get their own money source it's an endless round of Nando's/cinema/dessert cafes

With no structured exercise once at 6th form/college

My girls 22 and 24 are now on the weight loss cycle I was on at that age! It's harder than ever for young people now, almost every social interaction involves food

Cleavergreene · 03/01/2018 09:49

miss 1973 you do research now? That wasn’t evident in your earlier posts. Not all fats are equal, sweetheart.

Cleavergreene · 03/01/2018 09:51

There's nothing wrong with letting her feel hunger!!!

Yup. There’s quite a bit of research out there on this......please note, miss 1973!:)

PoisonousSmurf · 03/01/2018 09:55

Maybe she could do a martial art as exercise? Then she'd had more self confidence in how to deal with nasty little boys?

misscph1973 · 03/01/2018 16:22

@Cleavergreene, you really aren't very nice. Do not call me sweatheart.

Rianna · 03/01/2018 16:25

Welshcakemum no one seems to agree on this thread . I would ask my gp for advice .

misscph1973 · 03/01/2018 16:35

@Rianna, food and weight is very individual, what works for one might not work for another. And there are so many conflicting studies. I think it's a bit of trial and error for most. Personally I have gone from vegetarian to vegan to Paleo to LCHF in the last 10 years.

@Welshcakemum, I think you will make a real difference by managing sugar and snacks, that's a great start. With diet changes I have found that you need to do it gradually if they are to become habits.

Trying2bgd · 03/01/2018 16:50

I would try not to make her weight a focus point for all your interactions with her, this will only turn everything into a battle and she will end up turning to food for comfort. This is what happened to me! The more my parents forced me to lose weight, the more I dug in and then ate to cheer myself up! Be kind to her and support whatever little effort she makes.
As pps just swap what you cook/make for slightly healthier options and then as a family get busy. Get both your dds to help with chores, short trips to the shop to run errands for you. If you can get her into interests (does not need to be physical) then she is less likely to look towards snacks etc to alleviate boredom. Its amazing how much you eat to keep your hands busy! Good luck

PipLongStockings · 04/01/2018 09:53

I got my son a fitbit (cheapo Amazon version) As of yesterday when he returned to school we made an agreement, 10000 steps for time on the laptop. It's like the control becomes his and so far so good!

SistersOfPercy · 04/01/2018 13:41

A sneaky change would be to replace your crockery with smaller plates and bowls.
I changed ours a few years ago and our dinner plates are quite small now. Tricks the brain into thinking there is more on the plate.

juliettaa · 04/01/2018 16:57

Cleavergreene - I've been lurking on this thread with interest and just wanted to thank you for the earlier links about sugar/fruit/carbs.

I've found your posts really helpful.

Cleavergreene · 04/01/2018 17:36

@juliet you’re welcome:)

@miss 1973 sorry for calling you sweetheart, darling. I won’t do that again :)

curlyLJ · 04/01/2018 17:46

I was also going to suggest a Fitbit (or cheaper alternative) I have one myself and it gets addictive trying to meet and beat your goals. Would she go for something like that?
Also, rather than thinking gym or classes, try to find ways to increase overall activity eg walking rather than driving etc. How about you take up running together, do a 'couch to 5k' - at least that's free with no expensive memberships etc. Is there a junior Parkrun near you? My 7yo DD took up running and does this most Sundays. It's non-competetive and lots of people walk it initially but it's great socially too, especially if she could get her friends to sign up (it's totally free)
Posters that have already mentioned above, it is processed foods, white bread/pasta etc and 'added sugar' that are your biggest enemies. Work on cutting out those initially and that would be a brilliant start for you both.
Good luck OP, sounds like you are determined to make this work!

allthingsred · 04/01/2018 17:56

Do you have a wii or a xbox? The dance games on those are really fun & it will get her exercising without her really noticing. I was working at a care home where we picked up a 2nd hand one for 40.00 & the girls (it was a teen unit) there loved doing the Zumba or just dance.
Food wise you are just gonna have to do a whole family thing. Make it 90%healthy but put the odd treat in for you all

Welshcakesareyum · 04/01/2018 18:09

Thankyou all 😊
All so helpful!
I have decided the gym won't work, well I think she will get bored and I'm going to struggle for childcare for my younger dd.
Walking is something we are going to do more of. We do have a Wii fit but would need so.eone to set that up, I'm rubbish. I will actually look at the game prices. I Will look at the fitbit. It might be an option. I'm trying not to put a focus on anything. Also tryi g to make it sound positive. All of us becoming more healthy. She gets so angry at the thought.
The eating part is actually the hardest. I'm struggling here 😔 my dd has tried egg and quite likes it so that's a bonus. I'm going food shopping tomorrow and asked my dd 3 times what I could put on the shopping list for her. She just gets angry and says she doesn't know. Everything I suggest it's a NO! It's going to have to be chicken wraps or egg on toast every night! I am not buying rubbish, she is going to struggle. It's going to be so hard with her moods.

OP posts:
DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 04/01/2018 18:15

do not keep unhealthy stuff in the house at all. Just do not buy it. Fill the fridge and cupboards with lots of snacks but more filling healthy ones. A big fruit bowl, rice cakes, houmous, ham, carrots etc etc. Then if she refuses the healthy meals and chooses to snack it won't be on sugary stuff. No fizzy drinks etc. Can you get her into family geocaching or pokemon hunting or something? Also restrict portion sizes of main meals. Best of luck.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 04/01/2018 18:17

And don't involve her in shopping choices and menu choices. Take her out of the decision making process as it's stressing you both out. You decide the menu and shop accordingly and she can either eat it or not. I would maybe ensure alternate nights are something she is more likely to eat.

QueenofallIsee · 04/01/2018 18:17

You are doing so well OP, it must be hard when she will not participate positively. Please be proud that you are doing this for her benefit and health and stick with it

cooldarkroom · 04/01/2018 18:26

Yes, simply do to NOTbuy buns/cake, or any sweet stuff. especially fizzy drinks, there is the equivalent of 8 cubes of sugar in one can of coke.
If she is desperate for a snack, make her drink a glass of water, first
Stop the chips, Stop the roast potatoes, she can mashed/jacket but only one. If she gets mad, she will get used to it.
I'm afraid the pocket money has to stop, or only give it to her if you are with her to spend it.
Remember you have been her enabler . She will thank you in the end.

Welshcakesareyum · 04/01/2018 18:35

Thanks all! It's just so hard! I'm going to keep going.... I have to!
I was just trying to giver her choice! It's going to be a lo g road, I think. Once she sees there are only healthy snacks, she may start having an interest in what I buy.

OP posts:
Confused24 · 04/01/2018 20:48

I was slightly over weight at around the same age and when it was mentioned I reacted similar to your daughter as it hurt hearing it. I did hit puberty which took most of the weight off as I had growth spurts and my appetite decreased but in the meantime how about a compromise of say pizza but reduced portion and replaced instead with salad? Or toast but with low fat butter? Reducing sugar slightly so she doesn’t have to avoid anything but just balance it with some good. If you have a wii or anything like that maybe get a Zumba game or dvd to follow if you don’t want to do the gym or joining a class like kick boxing or walking instead of driving anywhere local. My mum only made 1 comment regarding the size jeans I needed and it stayed with me so try not to focus on weight but a positive life style change for everyone instead. Make it about having more energy, a more exciting range of dinner options, a year of trying new things etc and avoid weight conversations unless you really need to have them

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2018 22:28

Op having read your posts, it seems like you keep coming head to head with DD, understandably.

Remember you cannot exercise a bad diet off, l have found its more like 90% what you eat and how much and 10% exercise to keep weight at a healthy level. Though exercise is important for health.

How about not talking about food for a month, don't give her the opportunity to be angry with you.

plan, buy and cook healthy low fat meals, without any family discussion.

Put it on the table with a variety of veg and when she complains say mmm and change the subject, don't comment on what she does or does not eat.
if she refuses fine, she will not starve, it will do no harm ( most of us could halve what we eat with no harm)
Once she learns that the meal served is what is available she will learn to try new things, keep serving the vegetables in different dishes and not commenting.

If she says she is hungry later, mention fruit or ryvita with honey. Once. Then MMM..

Don't get drawn into discussion or debate.

Have only fruit and healthy options in the cupboards ie ryvitas instead of bread, a supply of crudites to snack on, olives etc be prepared to get rid of the junk or you are wasting your time. Other posters are right sugar is the enemy.

I have one Dc who is a beanpole at 11 but eats modestly, and one Dc who at 10 is prone to being chubby and has a huge appetite.

We have 4 vegetables with every meal,( for 10 yr old l give a very large portion of vegetables) and go for fish/chicken/lean lamb over lasagne or sausages,
to keep him going before before dinner, l only offer crudite or cheese in moderation, he calls this a snack.

We do have dessert but I keep portions quite small, they are not allowed to help themselves to biscuits or dessert items without asking first, but are allowed to snack on fruit, nuts, cheese, olives etc anytime.

We have no cordial or fizzy drinks at home unless there is a party or big event. Only water or fresh apple juice.

This only works as Dh and l live like this, any odd chocolates we may get for late evening treats are occasional and kept out of sight. Halloween spoils, christmas chocolates and party treats are had instead of dessert in reasonable amounts until gone.

Dcs go to parties and family events, out with friends, and have whatever they want, but we all have to learn moderation at home to be healthy and that goes for kids too.

Lastly we don't talk about weight, just about energy giving food,
ie after the Xmas excess l said to DD I wanted to feel more energetic,
( ie lose half a stone!) so wanted more vegetables and salad, and no roast potatoes or yorkshire pudding for a few months as they slowed me down and made me tired.

Ds does say he gets starving even after a large meal so l just say give it half an hour and if you are still hungry have an apple, often he forgets all about it.
Don't make it a volatile subject, be really chilled about it and careful of what you say, often the less said the better.

Remember at the moment you control the choices she has to be healthy or not, don't let it slip out of control as in a few years you will not have any say.

Good luck

StaplesCorner · 05/01/2018 00:05

Very good advice Dragon - I definitely have terrible arguments with my DD about food the same as the OP, your approach sounds so calm.

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