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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can Ex-H do this?

121 replies

heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 15:43

Hi long story short, exh moved out 18 months ago as he said he needed space to clear his head.
Been together for 24 years and married 14 years with 4 dc ages 13, 11, 9 And 6.
We were trying to save marriage for a year until I received a letter and evidence that he had been having an affair for the last year.
After this we split for good in July.
I met someone else soon after and this has become the crux of the problem.
I have allowed his access for visitation at my home until he found his own place a few weeks ago (was staying with a relative) and he now has dc 3 nights per week and pays no maintenance.
He has decided that he wants to meet my partner before his meets our dc which is fair enough but has now decided that before he agrees to meet him I must along with dp must apologise to his parents for anything we might have said that hurt their feelings. ( he stole my phone in September and sent all my WhatsApp messages to himself)
I have said I will speak to his parents but he says that's not good enough.
According to my solicitor he cannot stop them meeting but I'm trying to be respectful of his position as their father.
I'm at the end of my tether. I had him here for Xmas day without contribution as I didn't want to start a fight as he's had previously said he couldn't afford it.
I feel like I'm being portrayed as a bitch and a bad person for moving on with my life.
What should I do?
Nb I should add this is not his first infidelity. I took him back six years ago and he has had a few indiscretions I haven't been able to prove since then.

OP posts:
user1471451564 · 29/12/2017 15:47

Tell him to fuck off!!! Arrogant arsehole. He has no say in what you do now or in the future. He rescinded that right the moment he chose to dip his wick elsewhere. You sound as though you have been more than accomodating!!

Karigan1 · 29/12/2017 15:50

He’s taking the piss. You don’t have to apologise. Whilst you should respect him as a coparent his request is totally unreasonable.

LackinginChristmascheer · 29/12/2017 15:51

Not quite sure what you're asking but no, he can't demand that you see his parents or that he meets your DP. He has no rights whatsoever.

He, however, does have an obligation to pay maintenance.

Don't worry about what's being said about you or how you are being portrayed. You can't control that and it doesn't matter.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 15:52

Thank you,
I have been more than accommodating, I know this.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 29/12/2017 15:58

100% tell him to fuck off. You’re not a bloody child and you and your boyfriend do not have to go and apologise to his parents because he said so!! Has he apologised to you for lying and cheating?!!

If you personally want to apologise for anything you’ve said that you now regret, that’s a different matter.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 16:01

agreed FUCK OFF are the only words required here Lady x

glenthebattleostrich · 29/12/2017 16:02

Out of curiosity has he apologized for being a cheating arsehole?

Tell him to fuck off. Stop pandering and just love your life as you please.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:03

I've lost it a few times when I received texts from his mother obviously meant for him, slagging me off and and I have vented to my DM and DP that I was hurt and thought they handled things badly but have always apologised where I thought I spoke out of turn.
My DM and DF live abroad and he uses the excuse that my DF was gravely I'll and I had to rush off to be with him when in fact we were on a family holiday so he needed a reason that he couldn't see OW. Now I think HE should apologise to them for THAT!

OP posts:
Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:05

He Has apologised once after a session with a Psychiatrist.
Never to my DF and has said his affair is irrelevant as it is in the past and that I broke up our family as I refused to take him back and moved on with someone else.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 29/12/2017 16:06

Apologise for what? For him wrecking your marriage because he was persistently unfaithful? He has no right to demand anything other than contact with the dc from you, so don’t cave into his stupid demands. He sounds like an idiot.

Tinselistacky · 29/12/2017 16:08

I would inform his dm of his affairs. Then tell him to fuck off.. Then arrange a meeting between bf and dc. Hope it goes well!! My bf met my dc, we are now married with a toddler and life is great!

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:08

I have said in private messages to my DM abroad and DP that I felt that his DPs jut accepted what he did and that I felt they were disrespectful to me as the mother of their grandchildren by enabling him.

OP posts:
Obeseclarice · 29/12/2017 16:09

He's being a twat but you've only been with your boyfriend for what, 4 months? Is it not a bit early to be introducing him to your kids given you only split with their dad a few weeks earlier?

I'd put any introductions on hold for a good few months yet. By then you will probably find your Ex isn't so bothered either.

glenthebattleostrich · 29/12/2017 16:10

He really is a tosser. I think the way to go is tell him to fuck off, point out he has made his bed and can lie in it alone and unwanted

No more Ms nice heather. No more being invited into your home. He is not your friend. He's some arsehat you used to be with. Be civil as you need to co-parent but discuss nothing but the children.

hahahaIdontgetit · 29/12/2017 16:13

No he can't stop them meeting, and he should be paying maintenance.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:19

I know it's soon, we are both older and feelings are deep.
Ex-H told the DC about my DP in a fit of rage months ago. They know of him but have never met.

OP posts:
Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:20

Oh and he said that as he has them three nights a week ( for the past week only) and that I work pt and get tax credits he doesn't think it's fair that he pay maintenance and CM will find in his favour.

OP posts:
Obeseclarice · 29/12/2017 16:22

I don't really think age is relevant. And all feelings seem deep in the first few months, it's just limerance Smile

Do your DC actually want to meet pur boyfriend? I'd be surprised if they did at this point, although if they are old enough to be sensitive to your feelings they may say they do because they think it's what you want to hear.

RainbowWish · 29/12/2017 16:25

Stop carrying him. That's is why he is making all these demands.
I is absolutely your job as the children's mother to make sure they are still having a relation shop with their father which is fantastic. But that's where it ends.
On you time it's your business who the kids see and on his time that is his business.
When he come to pick up the children keep him at the door.
You need to establish boudries or he will dictate every aspect of your living.
As for his family block thier numbers. The only person you need to communicate with is ex about the dc's
I hope in time you get things sorted. But you have nothing to apologise for. He sure be saying sorry to your dm and df about how he treated their daughter.
Good luck Flowers

bastardkitty · 29/12/2017 16:27

I think I would draw a line between your disrespectful cunt of an ex and yourself and put an end to his manipulation and game-playing. You need to communicate with him only about essential matters relating to the DCs. And regarding dictating terms for your relationship, he needs to get to fuck. No contact time.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:33

Thank you for all your advice. His OW actually called him a master manipulator and she's right.

OP posts:
ferando81 · 29/12/2017 16:35

As a man I all for respecting a fathers rights but that is only if they are a good father and husband.Some relationships fail because people fall out of love or were unsuited in the first place and if maintenance is paid ,then consideration of the ex partners rights and feelings is the correct course of action.
If they are a thief ,serial adulterer and pays no maintenance then tell them to go to hell

AdaColeman · 29/12/2017 16:35

He is just trying to control and bully you, ignore, ignore and then ignore some more.

Why do you need to apologise to his parents? Have they apologised to you for things they have said?

He should be paying maintenance, get your application in ASAP, that's more evidence of his bullying tactics.

Stop him entering your home too, no more happy family events, it's just another chance for him to control you.

ChickenMom · 29/12/2017 16:35

He can say what he likes but he isn’t the King of England and it doesn’t all work his way just because he says so. Go see a solicitor and get yourself informed. Yes he does have to pay maintenance. Just because he says he doesn’t have to, doesn’t make it so. I can’t beluevd how many threads I read on here where women let their exes say and do all of this sort of shit! He is now your EX. Say it to yourself again and again until it registers. It means he doesn’t get to tell you what to do. At all. Ever again. Ok? So that stuff about his parents...tell him this “jog on mate. You are taking the piss. You fucked around on me and you want ME to apologise to your parents. Get stuffed..oh and you’ll also be hearing from my solicitor about maintenance and I’ll introduce my lovely new bloke to my kids when I want mate”

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:42

Thank you. I know he should pay maintenance but I was trying to keep the peace.
I have a solicitor and I WILL be contacting them on tuesday

OP posts:
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