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Original poster

Can Ex-H do this?

121 replies

heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 15:43

Hi long story short, exh moved out 18 months ago as he said he needed space to clear his head.
Been together for 24 years and married 14 years with 4 dc ages 13, 11, 9 And 6.
We were trying to save marriage for a year until I received a letter and evidence that he had been having an affair for the last year.
After this we split for good in July.
I met someone else soon after and this has become the crux of the problem.
I have allowed his access for visitation at my home until he found his own place a few weeks ago (was staying with a relative) and he now has dc 3 nights per week and pays no maintenance.
He has decided that he wants to meet my partner before his meets our dc which is fair enough but has now decided that before he agrees to meet him I must along with dp must apologise to his parents for anything we might have said that hurt their feelings. ( he stole my phone in September and sent all my WhatsApp messages to himself)
I have said I will speak to his parents but he says that's not good enough.
According to my solicitor he cannot stop them meeting but I'm trying to be respectful of his position as their father.
I'm at the end of my tether. I had him here for Xmas day without contribution as I didn't want to start a fight as he's had previously said he couldn't afford it.
I feel like I'm being portrayed as a bitch and a bad person for moving on with my life.
What should I do?
Nb I should add this is not his first infidelity. I took him back six years ago and he has had a few indiscretions I haven't been able to prove since then.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 29/12/2017 16:46

You don't have to keep the peace any longer.

Now you can do what is best for you and your children.

Bumshkawahwah · 29/12/2017 16:49

Of course your ex-H can’t dictate anything about your kids meeting your DP, and I think you’ve been more than accommodating. He’s really taking the piss.

I’d be really wary about introducing anyone to your kids so soon though. This statement:

I know it's soon, we are both older and feelings are deep

...makes you sound very swept up in a new romance and carried away by it all. But your kids have had a lot of upheaval and perhaps deserve to not have to share you with a new man at least for a while.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 16:52

Thank you and I've taken your comments on board.
I don't intend to rush things, the dc come first. It's only a pity their DF didn't put them first as none of this would be happening had he have done. I worshipped has despite everything.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 29/12/2017 16:53

You never need have anything to do with his parents again. Stop communicating with him. Get you agreements in place and move on. Hard to do but necessary.

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/12/2017 16:56

What exactly is this 'peace' you want to keep? The one where he acts like an entitled twat, tries to dictate to you, has the kids when he fancies (guaranteed the 3 nights a week won't last when you don't do exactly what he demands) and refuses to pay for HIS kids?
Lawyer up. Agreed contact and agreed maintenance. No way CMS is going to see it from his 'don't wanna pay towards my kids upbringing' shite!

TheNaze73 · 29/12/2017 16:57

Wanker is overused but, that’s what he sounds like. Ignore him

rothbury · 29/12/2017 17:07

Agree with everyone else really -

He does have to pay maintenance.

He doesn't have the right to meet your partner.

I would steer well clear of his parents, and of him.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 17:10

Thank you, I have no doubts that once DC are back at school the Mon and Wed overnights will not last long as he has never had to get them all ready for school alone.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 29/12/2017 20:13

He cannot dictate how you should behave or what you should do.

You deserve kindness and love, not this bullying and condescension.

Tell him the apologies he's demanding are not going to happen. Then tell him that all further communication must be via your solicitor.

What an arse he is.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 20:22

Thank you. Yes I've decided to only discuss access to DC and anything else will be through the solicitor.
This all started today I said when asked that he could keep his normal access on Monday overnight and he was not happy that he would have to get DC up and bring them o me before he went to work as I have changed my work hours this week to facilitate DCs school holidays.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 29/12/2017 21:08

Listen to your solicitor. Do what she says.

Or stop bothering to pay her.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 30/12/2017 11:15

Just me looking for some more advice.
Had to speak to EX-h this morning before he comes to pick up DC this afternoon.
Was to do with something one of the dc wanted to do which would entail me picking them up slightly early from his tomorrow.
First of all he said I told him not asked him as it said it should be him who made the decision as it was his time with them and them he sneered when I asked him to keep an eye on the youngest dc as they have been sneaking into my bed at night and I thought they may miss me. He just said well they don't do that with me so whatever.
I'm now in tears again. Is there anything I can do to protect myself from him?
Mentally he is destroying me and I don't know how to stop it as I have to speak to him regarding the Dc.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 30/12/2017 11:21

Stop talking to him. Stop engaging with him.

RandomMess · 30/12/2017 11:21

You need to take a massive step back and detach. No chats, no asking him to be reasonable, he isn't going to be abusive every time you try and co-parent.

You have a new contact arrangement so stick to that. Don't engage with him at pick up and drop off stick to factual emails when absolutely necessary.

You do this to regain your power, he will get bored when you stop reacting.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

MrsBertBibby · 30/12/2017 11:26

Stop expecting him to be nice, or constructive, or reasonable. Then he can't hurt you by behaving in this way.

Seriously, stop laying yourself open like this.

And to be fair, it is his decision about what your kids do on his time. They need to understand this, and you need to respect it.

Of course a decent dad would work around it all, but he isn't so he won't, and as long as you keep acting like maybe this time he will, you and the kids will keep getting these knockbacks.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 30/12/2017 11:29

Thank you and that's why I asked him to choose as it IS his decision and I didn't want to overstep my boundary.

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 30/12/2017 11:32

he stole my phone in September and sent all my WhatsApp messages to himself

What happened? Did you report the phone as stolen? Did you report him to the police? Did he give the phone back?

Isn't this some form of criminal offence?

You should not be apologising for his actions?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2017 11:32

Grey rock time.

He is a twat, that's why you are getting divorced. He like being a twat. It makes him feel big to make you feel small.

He is right about it being off for you to decide unilaterally to cut his contact time short but most people would give little more than a shrug and ask the other person not to do it again. Nobody would be crying.

You have been badly damaged by him psychologically. I can tell that from here in my kitchen with my cup of tea having never met you because you even entertained the idea of apologising to his parents, don't make him pay his way, had him round for Christmas (wtf!) and generally treat him like he is your lord and master who is always right and must be obeyed. Even thinking about disobedience gets you stressed. Any displeasure expressed by him creates all consuming hyper stress for you.

You can be better and stronger than him. You can win. If you refuse to play his games.

MrsBertBibby · 30/12/2017 11:36

Yes but he doesn't want to hear that. His narrative is that you "tell" because that allows him to keep the pot simmering. So stop trying to communicate, as he isn't interested.

My ex has been doing that game for years, it washes over me now, but it lets him keep his wounds eternally fresh and bleeding, because as long as he can make believe he is my victim, he doesn't have to examine his own conduct, which would be much harder.

MycatsaPirate · 30/12/2017 11:37

I would ask your solicitor to think about getting you some sort of order where he cannot phone you but only communicate via text or email. That way you have a record of everything he says. I would also tell him that you will only communicate through these means and only about the needs of the dc.

He doesn't understand that it's not his time or your time, it's the dc's time with their parents. Their needs come first and he needs to stop being controlling fuckwit and think about how it affects them. At the rate he is going, none of them will want to see him at all before 2018 is out.

Ask your solicitor to get a formal contact order sorted asap.

And ring CMS and get maintenance sorted asap.

The only way to treat people like this is with firmness and refusal to bow to demands. I had so much abuse from my ex and ended up getting a non mol order in place because it was relentless. He made ridiculous demands in the guise of 'being best for the dc' but all it was was an effort to control me in any way he could.

I got the dc added on the order too because of the emotional abuse he was inflicting on them, he wasn't allowed near their schools or our house and thankfully he has now disappeared out of our lives. No child needs to be listening to one parent threatening to kill the other parent every time they see them.

I also chased him for maintenance. He told the CMS that the dc weren't his and I had had an affair. They told him to take a DNA test and if it was proved the dc were his he would have to pay for the tests. He soon shut up. Just call his bluff. Keep going and doing what is best for your dc and stop trying to keep the peace. You will never achieve this with someone whose main objective is to screw up your life any way they can.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 30/12/2017 12:05

Hi yes I did call police over stolen phone.
They came and cautioned him but as he gave it back they said it was a civil matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
heather19771210 · 30/12/2017 12:10

I AM scared and. Have been damaged by him. To clarify I didn't want to cut contact short I have him the option at dropping DD off where she wanted to go (she is 13) or me picking er up two hours earlier and dropping her off.
I have been asked what am I afraid of and I don't know. I am still in the family home (paying all the bills myself) and his parents live close by so I feel like in a goldfish bowl and constantly being watched.
He has access on Monday but has said HE will tell me later what he plans on as I don't deserve it all my own way

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 30/12/2017 12:12

Definitely call the police.

You have nothing to apologise for.

Get CMS on the case.

Get a formal access order in place.

Nothing more to add that hasn't been said by other posters.....sorry.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 30/12/2017 12:29

Thank you all for your advice.
Will make an appt with solicitor on Tuesday.
He has retained a 'women and childrens' rights solicitor' (oh the irony) but mine is very honest and forthright.

OP posts:
dizzy174 · 30/12/2017 12:57

have you thought about contacting womens aid for suggestions re a solicitor? one that has done this sort of thing before?

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