Can Ex-H do this?

[heather19771210]

Hi long story short, exh moved out 18 months ago as he said he needed space to clear his head.
Been together for 24 years and married 14 years with 4 dc ages 13, 11, 9 And 6.
We were trying to save marriage for a year until I received a letter and evidence that he had been having an affair for the last year.
After this we split for good in July.
I met someone else soon after and this has become the crux of the problem.
I have allowed his access for visitation at my home until he found his own place a few weeks ago (was staying with a relative) and he now has dc 3 nights per week and pays no maintenance.
He has decided that he wants to meet my partner before his meets our dc which is fair enough but has now decided that before he agrees to meet him I must along with dp must apologise to his parents for anything we might have said that hurt their feelings. ( he stole my phone in September and sent all my WhatsApp messages to himself)
I have said I will speak to his parents but he says that's not good enough.
According to my solicitor he cannot stop them meeting but I'm trying to be respectful of his position as their father.
I'm at the end of my tether. I had him here for Xmas day without contribution as I didn't want to start a fight as he's had previously said he couldn't afford it.
I feel like I'm being portrayed as a bitch and a bad person for moving on with my life.
What should I do?
Nb I should add this is not his first infidelity. I took him back six years ago and he has had a few indiscretions I haven't been able to prove since then.

Thank you,
I did contact women's aid a while ago but they didn't get back to me.
I may have to try again

What makes you think you need a different solicitor?

Another voice adding to the advice to only deal with him via email, not only will you you have a record of his messages, but you can open and read them at a time convenient to you.

Personally, I wouldn't communicate with him by text, unless in a dire emergency, as they can be both intrusive and hectoring. If you felt texts were essential, direct him to a different number.

These are ways of you being in control of your own life, rather than submitting to his bullying.

Detachment is the key.

do not let him in the house.

you want t co parent but that only works when 2 parents are working together , doesn't work when its one trying to keep it nice.

Go to the CMS.. the sooner you open the case the sooner you will be able to claim.. I assume in all this time he has been with parents he has paid nothing..CMS will not side with him.. Child tax credits have nothing to do with it.. overnights do.

Do not tell him anything about you personally, don't ask for him to do things with the kids he isn't going to do.. save it for more serious issues like if they are on medication.. He enjoys saying no to you.

I don't know what I need, new solicitor or not.
I'm just weary of arguing and not being able to plan.

Oh dear Heather

I have been in your exact position. The only way to stop his behaviour, is to really toughen up.

has said his affair is irrelevant as it is in the past and that I broke up our family as I refused to take him back and moved on with someone else

Yes, my ExH said this to me as well, despite him playing away on several occasions, apparently, I was the bad guy, for leaving him and breaking up a family. His parents agreed, as did his siblings, and none of them ever spoke to me again!! After a 20 year relationship! Just fucking bizarre.

My ExH also tried to push my buttons, manipulate me after the split, and also didn't want to may child maintenance, as he thought he shouldn't have to "fund my lifestyle"

He tried to get more out of the settlement than he was due, claiming poverty (he's a high earner).

I pursued CM, and he did pay, but would sometimes stop paying, so that I would need to ask him to pay (manipulator, you see?). So, I went through CMS, and it came to light he'd lied about his salary and under paid. He now has to pay me for this (yey).

I also did not accept his poverty claims, and got my fair dues from our split, so glad that I did, because only a few months later he was spending ££££ on his new GF (again, it was all lies).

He also told everyone, that my now DH was a person I'd had an affair with before we split up. Another lie, I was just lucky and met DH only 2 months after I left ExH.

He will keep making demands on you, because you let him. My ExH demands would slowly ramp up, until I lost it and screamed at him, and then he would go back in to his box for a while.

We finally got on to terms that weren't too bad, and then the very day the youngest went to Uni, he went NC with me. Contact was only ever about the kids anyway, but was still needed to a certain degree, as we still financially support them. Another form of control.

• He is not your friend anymore
• He does not have your best interests at heart
• He doesn't want your new relationship to blossom He doesn't want you to be happy (you lost him* how could you be?)
• He will screw you financially, if he can get away with it

1. Do not engage in convo with him, unless by e-mail/text
2. Ensure shit hot lawyer get you the best deal possible.
3. Introduce your new man, when you feel the time is right. He does not get a say.
4. If he suggests things that don't suit you, say firmly "that doesn't work for me. I am going to do it this way instead" Then disengage.
5. Raise a case with CMS asap, as they can only pursue payments from the date you open a case with them. It's £20, but worth every penny. My ExH is having to pay me arrears now, for the years he under paid. I could never have extracted this from him, without the CMS going down the legal route for me.

Oh, and another thought. I don't think men who cheat really love their wives. So, that makes it quite easy to treat an ex wife like shit, when you are no longer a couple. He will move on quicker than you think. And unfortunately his new woman might question any maintenance payments he's sending you (assuming you got him to agree to making payments). This is another good reason to do it all formally via CMS. My ExH new GF didn't think he should pay maintenance, because she didn't get any from her Ex. And she had his ear. It wasn't pleasant.

good grief..... please listen to the advise on here..

this man is laughing all the way to the Bank ... and taking the piss whist walking there...

get good legal representation...

He's not bright, and he's trying to find ways to continue to control you. He obviously thinks that he can stop your new partner seeing the children and that is why he is trying to put conditions on; however, he is obviously mistaken, and is going to hate it when he realises that. It may well be a plus that he's gone to someone who specialises in women's and children's rights, they will have a duty to make it clear to him where the boundaries lie.

You need to follow Huskylover's advice.

I would also add.He is banking on you trying to keep the peace so he can do just what he wants.

You may find the site chumplady.com very helpful. She writes about how to divorce manipulative cheaters where there are custody issues.

One thing I would say is document EVERYTHING. Every contact, every pick up, drop off time (planned and actual). Every change to arrangements with reasons. Any interactions, children’s comments about him, all emails, texts etc. Do this in a notebook with sewn binding so pages can’t be added / removed. You are gathering evidence against him, because when it comes to court agreement he will lie and manipulate. You can’t rely on memory. You need to be able to say “you’ve had them x times for y hours. You cancelled z times with less than 2 hours notice. X times they came back saying you ignored them the entire time” etc.

You do not have to keep the peace. You need to agree what is in your children’s best interests in terms of maintenance and contact and hold him to it. Ignore any guff that doesn’t directly involve your kids. He’s just trying to manipulate you. Only contact him by email or text (so you have written evidence). Ignore anything not about kids. Don’t write anything you wouldn’t be happy to put in front of your lawyer. You don’t have to be a doormat, but be civil and be clear what is and isn’t acceptable.

Thank you all for such good advice.
I'm not realising that it's not me who is the problem but I can't keep arguing with a narcissist.

Then stop arguing and blank him. Only communicate through solicitors. He's manipulating you and you're allowing it. Fuck keeping the peace, you've done nothing wrong.

Get tough and get angry

Make sure you go straight to the Child Maintenance Service on Tuesday. That is money owed to your children, you must do right by them. You working part-time and getting tax credits has absolutely nothing to do with his legal obligation to financially support his child.

Make sure you go straight to the Child Maintenance Service on Tuesday. That is money owed to your children, you must do right by them. You working part-time and getting tax credits has absolutely nothing to do with his legal obligation to financially support his child

THIS... with great big Hogmanay Bells on ...

Yes this ^ - cuts right through the crap.

Ignore,ignore, ignore - he's talking rubbish, and you are reacting so he will continue to do it.

See your solicitor get everything in writing and claim for CMS

Thank you all.
So plan of action is to ignore unless urgent to do with DC.
They are with him until tomorrow lunchtime. Do I text to ask how they are like I normally do or leave it?

Leave it.

You wouldn't want him calling to check up on you would you? There's no need to call. If there is a problem that requires your involvement he can call you.

Thank you , I will. I've never really been at art from DC before and I also don't want it to seem like I don't care about them but you're right there's no need.

Just to clarify - you don't have to go to your solicitor to contact CMS plus they don't 'find in anyone's favour' there are rules and that's that. As soon as you contact them your claim is from that date, so get on with it girl!

Don't text him about the children, that is opening the door for him to pour scorn and abuse over you, so you will be upset, which is his aim and delight.

He's a piss taking bastard. You are well rid of him. He's allowed to be part of the children's lives. Don't allow him to be a part of yours, he hasn't the right.

Also look into the freedom program and ask the GP to refer you for counselling. In my area MIND allow you to self refer and payment is according to income but it is still heavily subsidised.

You say your solicitor is forthright, I'd give them another chance. Be totally honest about what you want to achieve and see what they advise.