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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can Ex-H do this?

121 replies

heather19771210 · 29/12/2017 15:43

Hi long story short, exh moved out 18 months ago as he said he needed space to clear his head.
Been together for 24 years and married 14 years with 4 dc ages 13, 11, 9 And 6.
We were trying to save marriage for a year until I received a letter and evidence that he had been having an affair for the last year.
After this we split for good in July.
I met someone else soon after and this has become the crux of the problem.
I have allowed his access for visitation at my home until he found his own place a few weeks ago (was staying with a relative) and he now has dc 3 nights per week and pays no maintenance.
He has decided that he wants to meet my partner before his meets our dc which is fair enough but has now decided that before he agrees to meet him I must along with dp must apologise to his parents for anything we might have said that hurt their feelings. ( he stole my phone in September and sent all my WhatsApp messages to himself)
I have said I will speak to his parents but he says that's not good enough.
According to my solicitor he cannot stop them meeting but I'm trying to be respectful of his position as their father.
I'm at the end of my tether. I had him here for Xmas day without contribution as I didn't want to start a fight as he's had previously said he couldn't afford it.
I feel like I'm being portrayed as a bitch and a bad person for moving on with my life.
What should I do?
Nb I should add this is not his first infidelity. I took him back six years ago and he has had a few indiscretions I haven't been able to prove since then.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 30/12/2017 20:03

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/local-minds/

OnTheRise · 31/12/2017 09:50

If you usually contact him to ask how your children are, then stop. Tell your children you're going to stop, so they understand and don't feel ignored. But yes. Assume he's taking proper care of them and that they'll contact you if they need you.

And sort out your CMS claim as soon as you can.

Good luck, OP.

DownTownAbbey · 31/12/2017 10:55

All the above advice is worth it's weight in gold.

One thing that stuck out for me is you allowing this piss taker access to your home. He's shown he can't be trusted with your phone so don't let him past the threshold ever again. If he still has rights to the property you can't deny him access but you can make sure he's never alone. My ex wiped my computer when allowed this privilege.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 31/12/2017 11:35

Thank you, he doesn't come in now he's his own place.
I stood outside his to collect DC this morning and got abuse for 'being like that' but I didn't engage.
It's tough and I was in tears but I need to stand up to the bully.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 31/12/2017 11:49

All the advice on here is great
Stop giving this arsehole headspace...

Did he see you cry? Nicely,
You read to stop that as it’s giving him what he wants - read up on grey rock...

Sort out CMS (which you are doing)
No access to house
All comms via email or text
He can’t make you do anything
Also, when he tried to dump the kids on you do not let him / make it easy for him at least initially. Let your kids see what a knob he is - a day or two late for school will do no long term damage but will focus his mind...

Btw, Do your kids understand what an arsehole he is?
And can you talk to them in an age appropriate way about the need for you to create better boundaries with their dad?

my mum constantly defended my dad to me and wouldn’t say a bad word about him (he was a terrible father unreliable moods etc basically terrorised us all) and it actually made me very confused as a teen as she minimised his behaviour so much. As an adult I feel very conflicted / angry about it still at times and My brother is very angry about it and is in fact NC with her...

Original poster
heather19771210 · 31/12/2017 11:59

Thank you, no he didn't see me cry , just look pretty sheepish.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 31/12/2017 12:30

Then your next step is to work on looking very self confident even when you don’t feel it . He likes the response . With my ex I told him I would not tolerate him abusing me over the phone . When he did I hung up and refused to retake his call. If he kept ringing I turned my phone off . In your case though I do agree communicate through text or email . Always remember hold the higher moral ground . Completely ignore anything he says that is about you , only reply to relevant information about the kids . He still doesn’t have a right to know where they are what they are doing when with you .

bastardkitty · 31/12/2017 12:31

Well done for fronting him out. Start to make it your mission to grey rock him.

RandomMess · 31/12/2017 12:47

Another well done from me Thanks

HeavenlyEyes · 31/12/2017 12:49

He should pick up and drop off the kids? Please do the Freedom Programme - it is vital. Can even do it online. Do not let him over your threshold ever. And call the CMS on Tues. £20 fee to set up but if you have suffered abuse you don't have to even pay that.

Anasnake · 31/12/2017 12:53

Don't even look at him next time, don't even acknowledge him

Original poster
heather19771210 · 31/12/2017 13:12

Thank you.
So I now need to keep on not engaging.
He has since text saying that this will not work but I'm ignoring.

OP posts:
rothbury · 31/12/2017 13:13

Your DD is 13 - does she not have a mobile? Surely you can keep in touch with your DC without going through him?

rothbury · 31/12/2017 13:14

What is he saying will not work? Can you explain a bit more?

Original poster
heather19771210 · 31/12/2017 13:19

He said me not engaging and talking to him will not work.
This was in response to my refusing to go into his home when I collected the DC.
Yes I keep in touch when the dc on their own mobiles.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/12/2017 13:20

WTF does he mean by his text???

Ignore the eldest 2 should ask if they want to leave early etc but it is differ for the younger 2 unless they are confident??

Stick to the rigid contact as agreed and watch himself trip up time and time again. He will soon realise that you are benefitting from child free evenings and do his best to put a stop to it. Then straight back to CMS to adjust your claim.

RandomMess · 31/12/2017 13:21

Doesn't matter what he thinks!!!

Why are you doing the pick up etc??

If he takes you to court he will get fixed contact where you make them available nothing more!

DeepanKrispanEven · 31/12/2017 13:26

The very fact that he's felt the need to text you shows that your refusal to engage is getting to him.

bastardkitty · 31/12/2017 13:27

New rule: unless texts conern the immediate safety or well-being of the DCs, wait until the next day to reply. I see he's already getting his knickers in a twist Wink

Butterymuffin · 31/12/2017 13:28

Yes, you're getting to him now. Keep going.

Does your 13 yo have a mobile? If so text her, not him, when the kids are at his place.

Thebluedog · 31/12/2017 13:39

Good for you op and keep strong. You should only engage with him if it’s in regards to the dc, and even then it should be nothing personal, just logistics etc.

No more having him over for Christmas
No more going into each other’s houses
No more talking on the door step, collect or drop off the kids and leave
Sort CMS
No more engaging with his relatives or friends
No more ringing the kids whilst he has them
No more helping him out with the kids
Regular and strict access for dc

Most of us have had to learn this when splitting from DC fathers.

You’re doing great Flowers

rothbury · 31/12/2017 13:39

Yes he has to get used to the new status quo. You can ignore or delete texts if they aren't urgent info about the DC. Sit back and watch him implode that you are no longer doing as he says . The more he thinks you don't give a fuck the better. Eventually he will get over himself.

My XH was all set on having the DC 50/50 until I told him I had a new partner (I didn't) and the new arrangement would be great for me. All of a sudden he could only do EOW and two tea times a week.

Thebluedog · 31/12/2017 13:45

Oh and introduce your new man to your dc when YOU think it’s the right time. It’s got bugger all to do with him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/12/2017 14:47

Ha ha at you not engaging and talking to him will not work What he means is that he intends to pressure you into accepting his continued bullying. Your rejection of his bullying is unacceptable.

You did well there.

Original poster
heather19771210 · 31/12/2017 14:58

Thank you.
I feel better for not engaging with him and more at peace.
Truth is I'm not in a rush to do anything bar move on with my life without interference and bullying from him.

OP posts:
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