Can Ex-H do this?

[heather19771210]

Hi long story short, exh moved out 18 months ago as he said he needed space to clear his head.
Been together for 24 years and married 14 years with 4 dc ages 13, 11, 9 And 6.
We were trying to save marriage for a year until I received a letter and evidence that he had been having an affair for the last year.
After this we split for good in July.
I met someone else soon after and this has become the crux of the problem.
I have allowed his access for visitation at my home until he found his own place a few weeks ago (was staying with a relative) and he now has dc 3 nights per week and pays no maintenance.
He has decided that he wants to meet my partner before his meets our dc which is fair enough but has now decided that before he agrees to meet him I must along with dp must apologise to his parents for anything we might have said that hurt their feelings. ( he stole my phone in September and sent all my WhatsApp messages to himself)
I have said I will speak to his parents but he says that's not good enough.
According to my solicitor he cannot stop them meeting but I'm trying to be respectful of his position as their father.
I'm at the end of my tether. I had him here for Xmas day without contribution as I didn't want to start a fight as he's had previously said he couldn't afford it.
I feel like I'm being portrayed as a bitch and a bad person for moving on with my life.
What should I do?
Nb I should add this is not his first infidelity. I took him back six years ago and he has had a few indiscretions I haven't been able to prove since then.

Make that your mantra for 2018. Screenshot it for your phone wallpaper. You made a start - it gets easier from here.

rabbit is correct.

He wants you where he can abuse you some more. You evading or avoiding this is not acceptable to him. He will try to push all your buttons to get a reaction.

Just don't let him have it.

Hmm 🤔 well there is a man who doesn’t like you not doing what he wants . Don’t delete but do keep for evidence do expect different methods of expecting you to fall back in line this will vary from mr super nice to mr manipulative . I agree with pp do not reply to any text straight away unless urgent in regards to children . He will probably try to phone to . Ignore

Meant to say . You are doing so well too

Thank you all.
I'm trying hard. He is sent a kissing emoji last night and when I didn't respond he sent a txt saying that we needed to sort whatever was the issue as me ignoring him wasn't good for the kids.
I've ignored and will continue to do so. I'm only communicating about the children.

Well done op.

lol there is mr nice , we could call bingo on all the tactics , use the kids because him been abusive in front of them is so good for them

He is so following the script!!

That is a classic abuser technique, nice then nasty, the kissing emoji then the threat.
This is why it's to your benefit to refuse to use texts to communicate with him, as it's such a good tool for the abuser.

He doesn't like being ignored, but he's not clever enough to hide that from you! He's not very subtle is he?

Oh and Happy New Year heather it might not seem as though it's very happy just now, but it will get better.

Thank you, happy new year to you all.
I'm hoping this is MY year as I've been dealing with the fallout from his various infidelities for six and a half years.
I'm so ready to move on.

You sound absolutely ready heather. The kissing emoji followed by aggro is hilarious and so predictable. All the very best for 2018!

Kissing text then trying to use guilt text. He's got the manipulator's standard handbook out.

I'm guessing sad-face-poor-me text next.

Then when nothing is working, you will get angry texts. Likely name calling followed by threats to get the children taken off you.

Typically that will involve him saying you are "mental" (especially if you ever took anti-depressants) and that he "has stuff on you".

You could definitely play bingo.

Runrabbit, spot on. I've had the 'mental' card thrown at me MANY times even though all my interventions have been recorded as situational due to is infidelity.

Well done Heather. A friend of mine kept her current mobile number for ex only and a new number that she gave everyone else. Reduced the stress of receiving texts.

Thank you.

Collected DC from his as requested at 8am as he was going back to work (I've swapped work days this week to look after dc before they go back to school) and he had already gone and his Df was there.

I've not contacted him re this as i know it was done to get a rise out of me. (I offered to bring dc Home yesterday evening and his df has to pass my house to get to exh's and followed us back in his car!!)
Have I done the right thing not challenging him about this?

YES you have done the right thing! You KNOW he is baiting you. The grey rock technique will be your friend here - do not rise to his bait - that's what he is trying to achieve.

It may seem counter-intuitive not to challenge him and let him know that you know what he's up to, but please don't fall into that trap!

Silence is absolutely the right reaction.

What would be the potential gain to you from challenge anyway? Man makes less than 100% efficient childcare arrangements. What would even be the point in challenge?

The point is to bait you. If you don't take the bait then he has wasted a favour from his DF and wasted his own time and energy. You have lost nothing.

grey rock, grey rock, grey rock.

And keep in mind that as a person with parental responsibility legally he can make all sorts of decisions without your agreement, and change his mind having told you one thing on all manner of things including who he sorts out for childcare. So there will be heaps of stuff that you just have to let go. Trying to reason with him about such things will get you nowhere except feed his sense of having kept you right where he wants you (focussed on him). The silver lining is that you too can make lots of decisions without needing his approval (this can be hard to remember if you are someone who needs external approval, or finds external disapproval difficult)
Only engage if it absolutely essential - e.g. the children aren't safe; or if you need a paper trail, or if he accuses you of something. In the latter case, simply reply 'not true'; or 'that's an exaggeration' or similar. If he asks for variations which you don't agree with, just say 'I can't do that variation' or 'that doesn't work for me'.

Another tip to keep in mind that your legal rights are not always what you will get because it depends on whether you can enforce them. High conflict ex-es will often fight it all the way just to keep your attention on them and because they can't believe a judge would not see how excellent/true they are and how awful/wrong you are. So it can take lots of money, time and energy to enforce. You might just want to forgo some of these 'rights' and get on with your new life. Making the decision to let it go is also empowering if you think about it as freeing yourself from him.
Good luck. Splitting from these sorts of people/relationships when children are involved is really hard work.

That makes sense and that is one of my faults, seeking outside approval as my self esteem has been so battered over the last six years.

If you are not already doing so heather now would be a very good time to start a detailed journal of all his interaction with you, particularly with regards to the children.

Note down that he was unable to meet his commitment to childcare without help from FIL. These will contribute to an overal picture of his parenting if and when he involves the courts/attempts to discredit your parenting etc etc.

As an aside, I think it's usual for the parent to do the pick ups/drop offs for their own contact time, so don't be running around facilitating his contact time for him.

Thanks I've a written record of everything and I'm aware that he can choose childcare options during his contact time.
Will be interesting to see what happens when Dc return to school.