He's obsessed with saving money/deals - has a go at me if i spend 5pm on a carrier bag

[Sounsure777]

My boyfriend (we don't live together) is excellent with money (good thing) but to the point where he admits that "couponing" is his hobby(he is 39 years old - not 89).

I found a supermarket receipt with around 20 items on - each one with a small tick by it and next to some apples he'd written a sum like 165 / 6 = xxx - i.e. working out THE COST PER APPLE!

I spoke to him about it being weird and he said he had a voucher and wanted to check it had been deducted from the bill (it clearly said at bottom of bill ( - £1.00 off apples) but he still felt need/had the TIME(!) to sit and work it out fully - he has a job but no kids and always complains hes so busy etc - I think he has TOO much time on hands to be doing this. Is it very weird and a warning sign?

In the beginning he wasn't great with treating me - he would expect me to pay exactly half which got a bit tiring (since discovered that he didn't want to "be taken for a ride" in early days.) He's got better and now treats me sometimes , as I do to him so its pretty even however overall he is just very money focussed - always talking about deals and coupons in supermarkets etc. He's got a big house which he saved hard for, he earns a good salary but puts all spare into mortgage and pension (talking around £800 a month in to pension). Hes VERY careful with money and he'll have a very wealthy retirement no doubt but it drives me nuts how he is so focussed on the best deals etc to point I don't want to shop with him.

If I turn up with a 5p carrier bag he comments. I worry if we live together /marriage.kids etc when our money is jointly "ours" he will be moaning at me if I shop somewhere where the milk is 10p more etc - anyone else got a partner like this?:????

His behaviour is poison in your relationship.

You could eat a perfectly lovely meal but that one drop of poison will be enough to make you ill or even kill you.

Would you eat the meal....?

Bin him OP!

WorriedRose - thank you. I think going through all this has taught me ALOT! I was emotionally abused and manipulated right through the relationship. It still doesn't feel quite real. I've been out now for a couple of months and can start to see the woods for the trees. I am most certainly being financially abused post break up. I still have trouble seeing it. So i have to keep reading...

From what I've learnt, these people latch on and, consciously or unconsciously, manipulate to ensure compliance. So I'm a softy and a muggins and was ripe for it.

IMO, its a form of hoarding and it can end up very controlling - I’ve seen a marriage where this went on!

Well pawsy
Strikes me that you were a normal good person and your DH is an arse

Dont lose the good kind bits of yourself. They are what make you better than him

You can't take risks on red flag men when you have children

^This.

He'll be the richest man in the graveyard. Marry him and I reckon you'll stand a very good chance of getting there long before him, however.

Reading back on thread, I've just realised you've posted before. I vaguely remember you saying he called you a greedy bitch for eating a pizza. Your son is 6, and you've inflicted this man on him. Seems you've posted several times. Maybe you find it all exciting, judging by all the exclamation marks. Or maybe you love him and will stay, but land on MN every so often for a chat. You're not even married to this man. You don't have children. But you seem to almost relish your situation. You both need counselling but separate from each other. Disastrous doesn't cover it. It's your son I'm thinking about.

Run a mile. Do not move in with him. Do not marry him. Tbh don't have sex with him ever again because no contraception is 100% reliable and he would make your life a misery as the father of a child even if the relationship itself is over.

This is not a man to have in your life long-term. Just no.

Op you would be better off getting pregnant to a one night stand than having a baby to this man and spending your life being controlled. He's already working out how to change what you spend and calculating how he'll use it. He doesn't mind controlling your money - but he doesn't want you touching his!

I can't for the life of me understand why you're doing this to yourself and your son. It will cause your son issues.

Btw, my mum didn't get married and have me til she was 40. He is not your last hope. As long as you are with him you're minimising your chances of finding someone decent.

Generosity of spirit is a personality trait that appears to be from birth ( according to a psychologist friend) and never changes. It can be seen in sound children, or not as the case may be
This covers the giving of yourself in all ways, your time, your money etc.
Its nothing to do with how wealthy someone is, or how many toys in the case of a child
Look at your friends and you can immediately see whether they are generous of spirt, this will include how much time they give, how they host, how they give gifts etc. They may spend money on hobbies but those hobbies will only benefit them, the same with holidays etc
This man does not have generosity of spirit. It will get worse. Please please imagine having to explain that the nappies at the supermarket next door may be 10p cheaper but don't suit your baby. That the ones you have chosen may be 10p more expensive but they fit better, don't leak etc. Can you imagine a life like this?

Young children not sound children

Please see the flags in this photo.

Not wasting money is one thing, but this sounds utterly joyless. Life is for living.

My first long term partner was like this.

We went for a rare night out for a friends birthday and we had to leave before the end to get the bus home because a taxi cost too much (it was about 3 miles away so not massive expense) also I wanted to get a kebab or curry and he said we could go home and make something because it would cost less.

That was a few weeks after I moved in, it was also a few weeks before I moved out. Total passion killer and I could never imagine having children who had to grow up In that situation.

Shame because I really did like him aside from that, 25 years later I still see him going about and he has never settled down with anyone. I wonder why....

If you want another child then you have other options than to get yourself into this mess.

He takes money to proper miser levels.

I'm careful with money as is DH but in a different way so something may be £1 or £100 but we do a cost benefit analysis. I think some people would think why waste time but it's seen us in good stead.

I could not handle anytime with someone like him.

My ex was exactly this. Penny pinching tight fisted Scrooge. We earned the same but since I left I’ve never had so much disposable income. We’d go shopping and he’d put things back that I’d picked up while he checked all other prices. Then he’d loiter away from the till when it came to paying so I would pay to avoid a scene.

I once asked him to pick up a cd that my DM wanted for mother’s day while I was at hairdressers. I’d seen it in the shop. He spent the afternoon driving miles to various other supermarkets looking for it £1 cheaper but nowhere had it and by the time he got back the place I’d seen it had sold out.

He once asked me if we should go out for tea. He then spent about 2 hours upstairs banging about and swearing because the printer wouldn’t work to print out the voucher he’d seen. I cancelled the meal.

He refused to contribute when we bought a house together for 2 months because he said he couldn’t afford it. He had £1000’s in the bank, he hid it. I went well into overdraft.

I paid for us a massive holiday for NYE. His parents gave him a huge amount of money for us to spend whilst away as it was a once in a lifetime trip. He banked it and never spent a penny of it. Said he needed it for bills!!

Our neighbour made and built an adjoining fence. We agreed to split the cost. The neighbour spent weeks on it and made a fantastic professional job. When he gave us the breakdown and receipts for materials ex refused to pay a penny saying it was too much (it really truly wasn’t). I paid it to avoid WW3 down our street.

He never ever went to the bar when we were out. If we were out with my family I’d ask him to put my money in his wallet so it looked like he was paying as I was so embarrassed at his meanness. I never got my change.

This behaviour never changes. His parents were the same. He was quite generous at birthdays and Christmas but day to day it was a nightmare and a reflection on his spirit too. He was unkind and spiteful about others. I’d never be with someone like this again. I’m not foolish or reckless with money. Far from it. But I’m not tight either. I think generosity reflects in personality. I’d run away from this

A pre-nip?

Piss off!

So, imagine, honeymoon (to Blackpool by coach ) over, pregnant and craving Ferrero rocher, roasted duck, tiramisu, anything, and you ask him to pick some up on the way home. Either he will then complain about every last penny, or he won't and lecture you on your (desperate, deadly) cravings.

It.will.make.you.snap!

Ever watched Women who Snap?? Ok

I've just taken a look at your other posts and I also have to ask, what the hell are you doing still with him?!

No, no, make a run for it. Meanness is the eighth deadly sin.

Oh my god what a miserable life!! Get out now!!

I am struggling to gather any positives from any of your posts about him OP?

Please don’t settle for this man. You will regret it, for all the reasons everyone has said. Plus a divorce is quite expensive and I doubt he could coupon his way out of that.

I was with someone like this. "Are we splitting the bill"..."You forgot to give me 2.50 for the tea bags" ..... Never mind he'd spent the night at mine because my house was warmer (I actually turn the heating up past 16 deg) .....oh so many examples.

Constantly talking about bargains, buying up all the reduced stuff, the petrol thing, putting huge amounts away in savings but walking around in faded ancient clothes.

He would talk about every meal he'd had. Two sausages, beans, two eggs, tomatoes .... And if we went out to eat would want to clear my plate, anxiously watching to see if I left anything.

In the end I couldn't bear to have sex with him.

You'd be better off just having the one child.

not to mention giving me a memory stick he already had for photos of our hol and charging me the £.1.50 for it!

I'd have left when he did this.

He's paying the mortgage off asap, saving shedloads for retirement and you know what? He'll be just as miserly then. Being sensible is one thing, but he needs to remember "there are no pockets in a shroud".

I just cannot understand why women stay with men like this.

Leave, leave, leave.

He sounds like he doesn't think about much else in life. So sad