He's obsessed with saving money/deals - has a go at me if i spend 5pm on a carrier bag

[Sounsure777]

My boyfriend (we don't live together) is excellent with money (good thing) but to the point where he admits that "couponing" is his hobby(he is 39 years old - not 89).

I found a supermarket receipt with around 20 items on - each one with a small tick by it and next to some apples he'd written a sum like 165 / 6 = xxx - i.e. working out THE COST PER APPLE!

I spoke to him about it being weird and he said he had a voucher and wanted to check it had been deducted from the bill (it clearly said at bottom of bill ( - £1.00 off apples) but he still felt need/had the TIME(!) to sit and work it out fully - he has a job but no kids and always complains hes so busy etc - I think he has TOO much time on hands to be doing this. Is it very weird and a warning sign?

In the beginning he wasn't great with treating me - he would expect me to pay exactly half which got a bit tiring (since discovered that he didn't want to "be taken for a ride" in early days.) He's got better and now treats me sometimes , as I do to him so its pretty even however overall he is just very money focussed - always talking about deals and coupons in supermarkets etc. He's got a big house which he saved hard for, he earns a good salary but puts all spare into mortgage and pension (talking around £800 a month in to pension). Hes VERY careful with money and he'll have a very wealthy retirement no doubt but it drives me nuts how he is so focussed on the best deals etc to point I don't want to shop with him.

If I turn up with a 5p carrier bag he comments. I worry if we live together /marriage.kids etc when our money is jointly "ours" he will be moaning at me if I shop somewhere where the milk is 10p more etc - anyone else got a partner like this?:????

I'd run. It all sounds quite soul-destroying to me. The thought of never being able to say to DH 'I've had such a shitty day, have you had a shitty day too? Good! Let's have Chinese tonight!' Or having DC and discussing presents: 'well, that bike is ok and a good price but just look at that one! She would love that one! Get her that one and hang the cost!'
And all these people busily overpaying by hundreds on the mortgage every month, and stashing every random £1 coin into the pension - just supposing, just supposing you get run over by a bus on the way to your retirement party?!? I'm not saying hang the mortgage and ignore the pension, of course we must be prudent and provide for ourselves.....but a little fun in the here and now too?

I love saving money on stuff and will google cheapest price on stuff but he is extreme. I will go and buy milk and bread for little tesco around the corner even though it's 50p more than big tesco because the petrol to get there and hassle of the big shop even it out.
Can see him getting excited over having access to your money + his.

Your future would be having to explain your every spend, no xmas/birthday gifts, holidays, fun!

What did he get you for Christmas op? And for your ds?

Others have said it all
This will be your life if you stay with this man...and life is too short

Driving around with a completely full fuel tank uses more fuel to carry it about, so he is stupid as well as being as tight as a crab's arse.

He sounds worse than my STBXH. He wanted a pre-nup. He was worried about being ripped off by everyone and anyone. He has bought 2 houses with cash.

I'm divorcing him now and its a fucking nightmare. It's going to court. He won't disclose his financial details to me. thinks I'm a gold digger. Has put no value on my contribution. Thinks £50 per month is fine for child maintenance. Won't even give DD some holiday money. Doesn't buy the kids ANYTHING. I'm in rented accommodation, whilst he's sat in a fuck off massive house with no mortgage.

Just saying.

he actually got me a nice present - earrings, a purse and gin for my birthday but he had to really after I got pretty pissed off for my birthday last year when I just got a bottle of wine and some mats wrapped up in wrapping paper I used for his b-day 4 months earlier - apparently it was a joke! He made a big effort for my xmas pressies this year but he did go on about it a lot before and after!! Before he was telling me he had put lots of effort in and kept going on about how he had spent a lot of time thinking about my presents etc he also asked roughly how much to spend on each other so the other wouldn't be embarrassed and said altogether my presents were around £100. After I put my earings on he kept saying over and over how lovely they were and pointed them out to my parents etc etc!

last year he spent £1.50 on a present for my son lol.. this year he spent £15 on lego which was really lovely and a nice present (but again he went on about how great the gift was and also beforehand told me over and over that it was on amazon reduced from £20 to £15 etc so a great bargain - yawn!! lol!

(I also got him decent presents and spent around £100 but I didn't go on and on about what I bought him!!) its just a bit distasteful :-/

OP, what are his good points? I think anyone who lacks generosity with money often lacks generosity with time, effort etc. Mean (in every sense) people suck the joy from life for those around them. If he is like this as well - and he sounds like it with the way he talked about your Christmas present - then I don’t see a happy future with him.

Mine is like this. Not mean, but...careful. The worst thing is his buying all his clothes at the local 'bargain' shops. He really NEVER went into other clothes shops, when I took him into Edinburgh Woollen Mill his face was a picture - he really had no idea that such things existed.

But the baggy bargain Y fronts are a bit of a turn off.

Others are right, it's a form of OCD (at least, it is with mine). You just have to decide what you can live with, what you can laugh off, and what is a deal breaker.

Oh god no could not be arsed with that at all. Being sensible with money is one thing, being a depressing tightarse is quite another.

If you do stay with him, don't get pregnant before you marry.

I wouldn't stay with this - poking at spending my own money on my ds (or bloody carrier bags if I want).

And as for him taking over finances and giving you an allowance - you'd be an absolute fool. But what he'll do is nag at you and undermine you and persuade you you're crap with money and he'll look after you - the "making jokes" about the magazine etc is the beginning.

xenadog he is fine in other ways in terms of time and effort (although come to think of it at the weekends he will only stay one night a week as he has "stuff to do" at his - not particular hobbies but yeh he could spare more time for me - in terms of effort he does stuff then goes on about it! so for eg he came to mine for xmas and I just got on and did stuff - cooking, washing up etc - when I went to his I had to work from home the first day at his and he washed up the lunch stuff and he HAD to tell me - make a song and dance about how he'd looked after me that day (made me a sandwich , cuppa tea and washed it up) lol - he used to say "you're lucky to have me" half jokingly but has stopped that now as I told him I cant handle him saying that crap. It is annoying when he does something nice then has to go on about it.

One thing that really irritated me was he got me a pair of earings on a weekend away - very lovely - just cheap ones from a shop but I liked them and he said he wanted to buy them - that was a rare thing and v.lovely - 6 months later I was out with friends and i sent a pic of us on our night out and said i was wearing the lovely earings - he said "they look lovely, you are a lucky girl" - CRINGE! always having to drop in how im lucky! why couldn't he just say ahhh they look lovely, i remember that weekend, x y z....

He has lots of good points - wouldn't cheat, lie, be violent, is caring, honest, I know where I am with him, is reliable and never cancels on me etc....

ZAP lol re the Y fronts same here- so I got him nice new pants as part of xmas pressie - as for being able to laugh off or deal breaker im not very patient and I cant just laugh it all off - it really grates on me and irritates me .. he has improved a lot but u cant really change someone long term altho u can train them a little ha ha ha!

It's worse than him just being frugal.

He places no value on anyone's time -- not yours, not his own. He won't place any value on your children's time, either. He'll waste 15 minutes to save a few pounds, even if his income means that that's a ridiculous waste of time.

That's the biggest reason his nature is such a turn-off. He is implying that cash is more valuable than his own time or well-being, which suggests a low self-esteem and a low level of respect for others as well.

What happens when your child's money is no longer your money, but family money?
It's no longer a little passive aggressive joke, it'll be a full on "why are you spending my money" type of convo.
TBH
If you guys married and I was your kid, I would probably do endless shit to wind him up about it, that's the kind of thing that will end up happening
Passive aggressive resentment from all involved
Sounds fun!

yes - he will spend hours to save a few pennies - has commented on my gym being expensive and how often do i go - well yes it is expensive and i don't go enough but when i do go i thoroughly enjoy it (it has a sauna and steam room) - yes i probably over pay but its my wellbeing and not something i want to give up and why should i - its my only hobby and i have to fit it around work and being a mum but altho it works out expensive its my one luxury (well is necessity for my sanity lol)

come to think of it the reason i think he has no hobbies is that it would cost money!!! He once said that couponing is his hobbie (i don't begrudge anyone who has that as a hobby as long as it doesn't affect me though)

Womb - that's interesting that cash is more valuable than his own time or wellbeing and that of everyone elses. This fits my STBXH to a T. I've often wondered why he is like this. And i understand that he can't equate looking after children as a valuable thing to do as it doesn't generate money. I have been enjoying the benefits of working part time apparently. I can't possibly be as important or as stressed as him because he earns more money. Its an eye opener.

Oh and normal things like him hosting in his own home you're supposed to praise him for?

Imagine living with that -
a. it posits that all host/housework is actually the woman's job, so anything he does is doing you a favour.
b. being nice/normal (making someone else a cup of tea) is hard work for him and requires gratitude.

Cash vs value
Personally if I earned £15 per hour and it took me 1 hour to drive to save 50p
I would think that I had no real concept of the value of money
It's just not very intelligent.

Honestly this just sounds awful.

pawsy - you "only working part time" allowed him to keep his full time job and keep earning his big bucks! His career hasn't suffered like yours (you've dropped to part time) - you've allowed him to keep earning is money.

going out to work and looking after the kids are both equal! if 2 people marry and one stays home looks after kids and other works and pays mortgage and 20 years later they divorce then it should be 50/50 - working a job and working in the home are equal contributions. Of course its different if you marry someone and divorce a year later then it would be unfair to half of all their pension etc - but if you've not worked cos looking after kids then you cant put in to a pension - whereas he can!

Fuck no i couldn't cope with that. I'd be giving him his marching orders.

lol yes i know category 12 - hosting in his own home requires praise apparently :-/ yawn! I just get on with it when he comes to mine - i don't go on about how ive cooked etc - it wouldn't cross my mind - he is odd in the sense that he always feels like hes "working so hard" - he used to expect me to help him water his plants etc if i came over and he was doing chores hed suggest i get involved - now i don't mind helping out if im there for a few nights but to help water plants when i first arrive - really?!

He once said "im your worst nightmare" and "I will only get worse as I get older" - all jokingly but part of me thinks there is some truth in that.... Its tough - im 36 - i spent 3 years on dating sites etc and he was the first decent guy i met after a LOT of dates .... or decent so i thought....

Is he keen for you to move in together? He seems on the market for a Stepford wife

Dang it, I wanted strikethrough

Had he ever had a proper relationship before you