Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's obsessed with saving money/deals - has a go at me if i spend 5pm on a carrier bag

153 replies

Sounsure777 · 29/12/2017 11:25

My boyfriend (we don't live together) is excellent with money (good thing) but to the point where he admits that "couponing" is his hobby(he is 39 years old - not 89).

I found a supermarket receipt with around 20 items on - each one with a small tick by it and next to some apples he'd written a sum like 165 / 6 = xxx - i.e. working out THE COST PER APPLE!

I spoke to him about it being weird and he said he had a voucher and wanted to check it had been deducted from the bill (it clearly said at bottom of bill ( - £1.00 off apples) but he still felt need/had the TIME(!) to sit and work it out fully - he has a job but no kids and always complains hes so busy etc - I think he has TOO much time on hands to be doing this. Is it very weird and a warning sign?

In the beginning he wasn't great with treating me - he would expect me to pay exactly half which got a bit tiring (since discovered that he didn't want to "be taken for a ride" in early days.) He's got better and now treats me sometimes , as I do to him so its pretty even however overall he is just very money focussed - always talking about deals and coupons in supermarkets etc. He's got a big house which he saved hard for, he earns a good salary but puts all spare into mortgage and pension (talking around £800 a month in to pension). Hes VERY careful with money and he'll have a very wealthy retirement no doubt but it drives me nuts how he is so focussed on the best deals etc to point I don't want to shop with him.

If I turn up with a 5p carrier bag he comments. I worry if we live together /marriage.kids etc when our money is jointly "ours" he will be moaning at me if I shop somewhere where the milk is 10p more etc - anyone else got a partner like this?:????

OP posts:
category12 · 29/12/2017 16:48

Can I also say, currently you have the energy to police your boundaries and "train" him.

This when it's not 24/7 and he has his own home and you have yours. You have your own income and time.

If you live together, it'll be drip drip drip all the time.

And if you have a baby with him, you won't have that extra emotional energy to spend defending your boundaries. Any improvements in him are likely to reverse, cos that's his comfort zone.

NapQueen · 29/12/2017 16:57

but the guy I'm with is far from perfect but could be sooo much worse
If you had a dd and she said this to you about her potential husband what would you think?

expatinscotland · 29/12/2017 17:04

You're well into the sunken costs fallacy now - he's got better, he used to be worse, at least he isn't violent because you think he's the last chance to have another baby. He isn't. And you have to put the child you already have first. And this man is NOT it. He will make your son's life miserable. He will make your life miserable. Allison is spot on. Instead of buying into this fantasy of jacking in FT work to become reliant on another person and pop out the babies, start focusing on how you can improve things in your own right and achieve what you want on your own.

Bigfoot1 · 29/12/2017 17:06

If you marry this guy and have another child it will get 10x worse. He's currently on "best" or at least "better" behaviour but when you're married with another child he won't reign any of this behaviour in what do ever.... it will be joyless. As relationship niggles go, don't underestimate this one. I'd rather end up with someone who doesn't pull their weight with the housework than someone who is intrinsically mean.
All the fun times/trips out/meals/xmas/anniversaries/holidays will be tainted by "how much?" "That's expensive" "I think we can get a bargain elsewhere"
Think about how much children cost... how on earth will he cope with that?

It will be like being married to one of the dementors from Harry Potter - he will suck the joy out of everything and everyone including your children...

RhubarbTea · 29/12/2017 17:08

I left my son's dad because he was exactly like this. He's still just the same after 10 years and I have to argue to get him to heat the house when DS is there. Never, ever have kids with this guy.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 29/12/2017 17:11

Stick with this guy and have a child with him and you will be walking into a nightmare with your eyes wide open. He makes no secret of who he is and you should believe him.

Imagine you on maternity leave, him checking how many nappies have been used, having a go because a child needs new shoes - oh gawd, Christmas, imagine the misery that would cause.

I understand only too well men starting out as the perfect partner, only to show their true colours later on, this one is showing you from the start.

Stay with him if you are content to live a life of misery but don't make a child live it too.

kbrelsmum · 29/12/2017 17:13

@Sounsure777 I am sure you have posted something similar before and got pretty much the same advice.you don't need to know if anyone else will tolerate your DP behaviour in order to justify you staying with him . I hope he has at least stopped telling your son to call you lazy . Hope he changes for your sake . Good luck

Hermonie2016 · 29/12/2017 17:15

The lack of trust he showed is also a red flag, beware of this type of person as they often revert to no trust once you are commited.
36 really isn't too old, you never know who is around the corner but if you hang on tp this guy you will miss opportunties.
Your bar seems to be set pretty low and I would encourage you to value yourself more highly.

Jafinar · 29/12/2017 17:21

Wake up OP this guy is shit and will only get worse once he is no longer in 'courting mode' and has a ring on your finger.

Red flags, he is controlling even over tiny things such as 5p bags yet at the same time is telling you how lucky you are to have him. I can see this so easily turning abusive. He will get more and more controlling and chip away at your self esteem. Ffs think of your son and dump him now!

AntiHop · 29/12/2017 17:39

I actually admire him for being so careful with the pennies. I wish I had so much self control.

But a bit like very strong political or religious views, which impact the way you live your life, I can only imagine a relationship with someone with such strong views can only work if the other person shares their views, or is willing to fall in with the other person's views and way of life. This does not seem the case for you op. Sorry. Plus he seems very controlling.

Antheanna · 29/12/2017 17:48

Has he ever been abused in any way OP?

I used to be an obsessive saver. More recently I was an obsessive exerciser. I used to get a high from seeing my savings grow the way others might get a buzz from gambling. Anyway, I read somewhere in my post abuse recovering research that obsessive saving is NOT uncommon in those who have been abused.

Antheanna · 29/12/2017 17:50

"And if you have a baby with him, you won't have that extra emotional energy to spend defending your boundaries. Any improvements in him are likely to reverse, cos that's his comfort zone.''

This is so true, and this is why I thought I could live with my x because I called him out on his inclination to be selfish etc,,, and he backed down, when I had my own home to go straight back to, and then when I had my own income to give me the freedom to leave. When I had nowhere to go and no money when I got there it was his way or the high way.

Worriedrose · 29/12/2017 17:59

1.50 for a memory stick
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard

formerbabe · 29/12/2017 17:59

My advice would be...Do not have a baby with him! I'd predict you'd have a maternity leave where he resents the fact you have less money than usual, resents subsidising you and expects you to account for every penny you spend.

Bigfoot1 · 29/12/2017 18:25

"1.50 for a memory stick
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard"

^THIS^^

expatinscotland · 29/12/2017 18:37

You've posted about him before and EVERY post tells you to dump him, but you seem to get something out of the abuse he doles out to you, calling you a 'greedy bitch' for eating a takeaway, insulting how you look, penny pinching. I feel sorry for your son because he's getting a very bad example of relationships. He's a twat and you're determined to procreate with him to detriment of your own finances and your existing child.

Noodles4Me · 29/12/2017 19:12

I thought the OP had posted this before. It's another one of those depressing 'I'll put myself and my kid through any old shite so I can have another baby' Then years of whining about "DP"

Worriedrose · 29/12/2017 19:14

I think perhaps it's hard to make the realisationand lots of us post many times about the same things

Not everyone can LTB straight off the bat.
We need fresh perspectives and we need to revisit our worrries

SandyY2K · 29/12/2017 19:26

He's as tight as a pig's ass. He spent £1.50 on a gift for your son! Shocking.

Too fu*ng tight.

Olddear · 29/12/2017 19:45

Why are you inflicting this person on your 6yr old son? Just why?

PawsyMcPawFace · 29/12/2017 20:04

WorriedRose - you're right about not having the courage to LTB straight off. We sometimes need to think about it, get perspectives and mull it over. It took me years. I had already had kids with my miser by then. It was agony.

OP - please be careful with contraception. Can you look into counselling? Lots of red flags from the perspective of lots of posters.

A couple of things that strike a chord. I used to tell myself that no-ones perfect. I was making do. Wish i had MN back then. But would i have heeded? Maybe not. When i look back there were lots of red flags, nnot just financial stuff. Only the other day I was telling a friend about miser saying that he'd charge me rent for a mortgage free house. And when I was without a car for a while, he said i could use his but he'd charge me mileage Shock

Back then, he'd talked lots about his abusive upbringing and all the batshit stuff that went on that shaped him. So I excused his behaviour and felt sorry for him. Now i realise it was a way of getting me in line. Even if it was unconscious, the effect is still the same. Do you find yourself defending his behaviour to others OP? Or not mentioning stuff like this in RL?

Anyway, I'm now paying for my naivety. Its a very high price to my mental and physical health and also that of my kids. To the point i often wish i hadn't had kids. They've had to endure loads of crap and the weight of guilt on my shoulders is overwhelming sometimes.

PawsyMcPawFace · 29/12/2017 20:06

And OP - please keep talking and posting. No matter how long for.

Worriedrose · 29/12/2017 20:07

@PawsyMcPawFace
It is not your fault
You're a kind person who tried to see the best in someone and felt sorry for someone who had an abusive childhood

In my eyes that makes you a remarkably good person and whatever your children have to endure, I think they're probably very lucky to have you as a mother

Worriedrose · 29/12/2017 20:09

You weren't naive you were just a good kind living person

Worriedrose · 29/12/2017 20:09

Loving!!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread