Please help me make sense of this

[lizzy5175]

Me and my BF have had a big fall out, and I'm not even sure what happened.

Bit of back story, we're both fairly young (21 and 24) and both live with parents. I live at his most of the time, but come home most weekends and the occasional week night. We have been together 2.5 years and are generally really happy and in love.

In the past I have noticed that sometimes he just switches and goes mad, literally like someone flicked a switch and he goes from 0-100 in a second. He has very little patience and a very short fuse. He has never hurt me or anything and I don't think he ever would. He's currently off work sick (he's not actually sick, that's a whole other thread though.) I came home from work yesterday really stressed and hot so half stripped off and flopped into bed. Everything was fine and we were chatting, laughing and cuddling for about 45 mins. He got up and started to moan about some pots that were left on the side, 2 were his, 1 was mine. He asked me to pass them him which I did, however a spoon somehow got trapped in between 2 cups and that seem to just set him off. I leaned up in bed and as I did my arm caught a plate on the bedside table that he had left there from his lunch, this caused the plate to fall and 2 sprouts to fall off and land onto the edge of the bed frame. I kind of went 'ahh!' And quickly picked the sprouts up. He went ballistic! Saying it was fresh bedding and what am I doing! I said it was an accident and the sprouts didn't touch the bedding they fell onto the metal bed frame, the sheets were fine. He really aggressively ripped the duvet off of me and threw it to the other side of the room, ripped the throw off the end of the bed and threw that too. My handbag was on the floor by the bed, he picked it up and threw it at the wall, I was just sat up in bed like 'what the fuck is happening' I'd also brought 2 bottle bags home from work which were thank you gifts from children and parents and he also plonked them near the wall, I'm surprised they didn't smash. I quickly got up, felt really weird because I was half naked so said 'I'm going, I don't know how you think you can act this way it's ridiculous' I really quickly got dressed and picked up what I could, got in my car and drove home sobbing. It was all just so fast and so stupid! He hasn't spoken to me or messaged me at all since then, this was at about 6pm last night.

I hate arguing as it makes me feel so so awful, I'm just worried that we won't speak now and it'll ruin Christmas! I didn't do anything wrong, I can't see how he thinks he can be in the right after reacting that way. Fair enough pots shouldn't be left around the room but he's been off work and at home ALL day while I've been in work for 9 hours, he could just wash them while I'm gone it takes 2 minutes.

I don't know if to message him or to just leave it at radio silence, I always seem to be the one who makes the first move to sort it out. Any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

He sounds abusive. So many red flags (short temper, throwing things etc) I would read up on abusive relationships and start planning a 2018 without him. Thank god you don't live with him. Life is too short to spend with people with these ingrained issues.

You've said this is something he's done before - I really think you should be looking to end the relationship, rather than sort it out. Throwing things around with no provocation whatsoever is not acceptable behaviour - how long before he starts throwing things at you? You'll end up being damaged if you stay with a man like this. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells all the time. Walk away.

Don't feel that because you've been together 2.5 years, that it's to long a relationship to end it. It's not. Short term upset beats long term misery. Leave him to think about his behaviour and try and relax at home over Christmas.

I feel I've been abit harsh and not putt anything positive in my OP. He's very loving and caring, he doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. He has good morals and we always talk about a happy and healthy future together. He pretty much always puts me first, even before himself a lot of the time and like I said, we are very much in love. We laugh lots and are generally very happy. It's just the odd few occasions he looses it at seemingly nothing.

He isn't controlling in any way, I am always out with friends and he's always encouraging me to try new things and supports my hobbies. As I do with his!
Sorry I really didn't mean to 'drip feed' if that's the correct phrase, it's just easy to focus on the negative.

He is emotionally - and physically - abusive.

Men can have lots of good qualities and be abusive.

Read Lundy Bancroft and get out of there.

Even after your update, my post still stands.

Have you talked about the 'losing it' episodes? Does he acknowledge that something is wrong? Is he prepared to seek help? This is not normal behaviour, and there's a high chance of it escalating.

He pretty much always puts me first, even before himself a lot of the time

Except when he’s ripping bedcovers off you and smashing things off walls.

When he “goes from 0 to 100” what does he do/say? What happens?

Does he do this with others?

What do you mean he’s “off sick” but not actually sick? That he is skiving (not impressive) or that he has a mental health issue?

Yes I think he has a fairly short fuse at work too.

A person in work said and did something really out of order, instead of reporting it like he should have done he left it be. The issue came back up the next day and he asked the person to leave it, they carried on a further 2 times, each time he asked them to stop. They didn't and he ended up shouting at them. His team were behind him because this person has form for the similar behaviour. It went to disciplinary and his managers who were originally behind him told him it may end up in him coming out in the wrong. He went and got a sick note, he's completely fine and doesn't need the sick note. He got it because he was so annoyed that his manager bowed down to her manager instead of sticking up for what was right. He's been off work for about 6 weeks. I've told him although the other person was in the wrong, it should have been dealt with correctly and he can't just go around shouting at people as it is unprofessional.

When I say from 0-100 I mean, everything's fine one minute, then the next he's really annoyed by something and has a big rant over something so insignificant. It's not that often at all, maybe once every 2 weeks.

I'll give an example: the tv remote was on the bed, I moved and it fell off the bed. Que massive rant about how the remote should be on the side, not left in the bed and how I don't respect his belongings enough. I reminded him that it's JUST a remote, it fell off the bed and can just be picked up again, it's fine and not a big deal.

He is very rigid about certain things. People who don't have much understanding of autism have suggested it in the past. I do have a good understanding of it, as does he, and as does his mum as we all work with children and young people with autism and have professional qualifications relating to it. He has a few little niggly things, like the rigidness I mentioned and how he likes to know 'the plan' of whatever it is we're doing. But in my professional opinion he definitely is not autistic, he's just hard work!

Why are you bothering with him? What do you get out of it? He sounds like a dickhead and fucking Nightmare. Can you imagine living with him???

He sounds like hard work and volatile. If he doesn't want food on the bedding why eat in the bedroom ? His absence from work will catch up with him eventually, what a loser.

Give it a few years and you'll be scared to move in case he freaks out. I'm sorry but his temper is a real problem and will wear you down over time. I would end it now.

Ok. Even if he's just 'hard work' is that what you want for your future? I'd be running for the hills from him. He sounds horrid.

FWIW, I've got a very quick temper. I don't shout, I don't throw things, crash around and make unreasonable demands because that's entirely unacceptable. I say 'I'm really angry - can we talk about this' or 'I need some time to cool down - can we talk later'. You know, because I'm an adult.

"He isn't controlling in any way".

Yes he is.

But can you understand in what way(s) he's controlling - look at what he does and write down the things that are controlling. Some people control by outbursts like this. Over time, you'd be constantly walking on eggshells afraid to do anything that might set him off.

Also? It WILL escalate. I guarantee you.

I appreciate your replies, thank you.

It's so easy to give advice out or agree with others advice to someone else, but when it comes to taking advice yourself it's really, really, difficult.

He always says it will be easier when living together because we won't be stuck inside one bedroom. If one of us needs space we can just go to another room which we can't really do now due to the living arrangements.

I think it would be a good idea for me to spend more time at home and less time cooped up with him at his and see what kind of a difference that makes, if any.

Don't move in with him.

From what you've said he sounds like an abusive man. You say he doesn't lose his temper often but then go on to say it's maybe every couple of weeks!? That IS often!

He also sounds controlling and just generally awful. You seem to want to defend him by saying how he has lovely qualities etc. It's up to you, but he won't change.

@keeponworking that's true. I've told him before now 'I feel like I'm walking on eggshells' that was a while ago now and I haven't felt like that since. He didn't accept that was how I felt and said that I do things to provoke and then I get upset at his reaction, and he comes out looking like the bad one.
I wouldn't say I provoke or antagonise, why would I do that!?
But I think I can sometimes be abit messy which I know he doesn't like, I'm more relaxed about things. I could make more effort to consider the way he likes things and not be so selfish. I think that's just who I am as a person though. I'm not dirty messy, just not as rigid, and more relaxed than him.

This is not the life you need if you one day want to have children and if you were to bring them into it then you would be very silly indeed. Heed everyone's advice, seriously. It's a big wide world out there and I think you need to go away on holiday asap and try to think outside of the box you have put yourself in. You sound like a caring supportive calm person and you may well be vulnerable to abuse by people in society who choose people like you to take their frustrations out on. Give yourself space and lots of it as your future is at stake. Good luck xx

Thank you User
I don't mean to sound like I'm not listening, I am, it's just hard to hear that's all.

The excuse that you are responsible for provoking the anger is commonly used by abusers. It's rubbish. Look at the things you've described - the sheer accident of something falling off a plate, or putting a remote control in the 'wrong' place. These aren't crimes or even misdemeanours - they're just things that happen in normal life.

Furthermore, whatever you had done, a violent response can never be justified. Yes, it's natural to get angry on occasion, but adults need to practise self-control - it's simply not acceptable to frighten your partner with outbursts of temper.

No no no no, op. This has got disaster written all over it.

Give yourself a bit of time and space to see this relationship clearly. Step back for at least a couple of weeks and try to think everything through calmly.

You sound like a lovely person, you don't need this nasty, immature man in your life.

lizzy you're not doing anything wrong. He's picking anything he fancies to use as an excuse to give vent to his (inappropriate rage). Please please listen to us old timer's who've become aware of these red flags from hard worn experience.

Dump. Him.

He's already told you that it's something you've done that's 'set him off' - it wouldn't matter what you did, he'd still find something, because he's abusive.

Did you see the bit where I said it will escalate? It will.

If you became the tidiest neatest clean freak on the planet, he would STILL find something to blow up at you about.

Jesus - you make him look like the bad one - that's because he IS the bad one!! He's making himself look bad.

And can I mention something else, also something hard learnt. It does not and will not matter how you tell him that he's done something wrong, how you try and explain it, how you try and get him to understand that what he's doing isn't right whether you write it down, talk quietly to him, shout at him or have it written in the sky, he will NEVER change. And no, even though you're clearly a nice person and any normal person would listen to you, he is not normal and he will never ever ever ever ever change. Other than to get worse and worse as you diminish and diminish from the person you are now, the happiness you have now - it will all be taken away, eroded, stamped on and snuffed out.

Please get out of this straight away. There are no reasons, or crying, or excuses or 'oh I had a rough childhood' that can make this ok.

Love, you are so young. Sorry that sounds sooo patronising, but I mean it. Too young to have this relationship be the bar that is set for your future. You don't have to be with him. You don't have to be the one that tries to sort this out. You should not be anything other than yourself with your partner. You should not have to be worrying about doing or saying the wrong thing.