Please help me make sense of this

[lizzy5175]

Me and my BF have had a big fall out, and I'm not even sure what happened.

Bit of back story, we're both fairly young (21 and 24) and both live with parents. I live at his most of the time, but come home most weekends and the occasional week night. We have been together 2.5 years and are generally really happy and in love.

In the past I have noticed that sometimes he just switches and goes mad, literally like someone flicked a switch and he goes from 0-100 in a second. He has very little patience and a very short fuse. He has never hurt me or anything and I don't think he ever would. He's currently off work sick (he's not actually sick, that's a whole other thread though.) I came home from work yesterday really stressed and hot so half stripped off and flopped into bed. Everything was fine and we were chatting, laughing and cuddling for about 45 mins. He got up and started to moan about some pots that were left on the side, 2 were his, 1 was mine. He asked me to pass them him which I did, however a spoon somehow got trapped in between 2 cups and that seem to just set him off. I leaned up in bed and as I did my arm caught a plate on the bedside table that he had left there from his lunch, this caused the plate to fall and 2 sprouts to fall off and land onto the edge of the bed frame. I kind of went 'ahh!' And quickly picked the sprouts up. He went ballistic! Saying it was fresh bedding and what am I doing! I said it was an accident and the sprouts didn't touch the bedding they fell onto the metal bed frame, the sheets were fine. He really aggressively ripped the duvet off of me and threw it to the other side of the room, ripped the throw off the end of the bed and threw that too. My handbag was on the floor by the bed, he picked it up and threw it at the wall, I was just sat up in bed like 'what the fuck is happening' I'd also brought 2 bottle bags home from work which were thank you gifts from children and parents and he also plonked them near the wall, I'm surprised they didn't smash. I quickly got up, felt really weird because I was half naked so said 'I'm going, I don't know how you think you can act this way it's ridiculous' I really quickly got dressed and picked up what I could, got in my car and drove home sobbing. It was all just so fast and so stupid! He hasn't spoken to me or messaged me at all since then, this was at about 6pm last night.

I hate arguing as it makes me feel so so awful, I'm just worried that we won't speak now and it'll ruin Christmas! I didn't do anything wrong, I can't see how he thinks he can be in the right after reacting that way. Fair enough pots shouldn't be left around the room but he's been off work and at home ALL day while I've been in work for 9 hours, he could just wash them while I'm gone it takes 2 minutes.

I don't know if to message him or to just leave it at radio silence, I always seem to be the one who makes the first move to sort it out. Any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

BTW. Of course he's not all bad. You clearly aren't a fool - you wouldn't be with him if he was like this all the time. But very few people are like that all the time. It's the balance of the good with the bad that determines whether this is worth it. And if you stay, the episodes of this sort of bad behaviour may well get closer together and more extreme

Personally if I’d been your BF and you’d dismissed my feelings a la remote incident then I’d be pretty pissed off too. I’m sure there are always things where one feels more strongly than the other but we need to respect the feelings of the other person, not be dismissive of them.

That said, no matter how aggrieved we feel at a situation there are acceptable ways to react. We are all entitled to feel aggrieved, but that does not mean that we are entitled to react inappropriately/abusively.

If he’s behaviour is this bad and leaving you feeling like you are walking on eggshells thanks to his reactions “at seemingly nothing” can you immagine how much his behaviour would escalate when he’s reacting to something serious? That’s a frightening thought

Get out whilst you can x

Also

He knows you don't like 'arguing'. He knows that when a disagreement happens he can shut you up by going OTT and that if you respond to that then that will be an argument. He's got you caught out. Soon, the risk is you no longer say how you feel in an assertive way for fear of this all blowing up. And he sulks, which puts you on the back foot.

Just another voice saying the same thing as everyone else.

He is acting violently and saying it's your fault. You know it isn't.
He scared you. That is never OK and no person who loves you would do that.
He is making you feel like you have to change to suit him (like being more tidy). This makes him controlling.

At the very, very least take a few weeks out and thibk about what you would say to your best friend if her partner was doing this to her.

One other thing, moving in together will NOT improve it. When you move in together 100% of the time, you will not get "space" and for a while every little niggle becomes a huge deal. I promise you, that any issues and doubts there are now will become 10× worse if you move in together.

Leave him before he starts beating you.

We need to respect the feelings of the other person and not be dismissive of them.

That's fine with people who behave in a normal and reasonable way, Joysmum but not with people who are abusive. This man will find anything that the op does (maybe something mildly annoying) and twist it so that he can justify making a frightening, wildly aggressive scene.

The first part of your post is very unhelpful - the last thing that should be done on here is to encourage someone like the op to take the blame for this sort of abusive behaviour.

Run.
Can you imagine having children with this man? Careless, noisy, clumsy children? What happens when your 3 year old drops a sprout?

NotAgainYoda

^^This.

They don't even need to go nuts to control you just with the possibility of them going off on one. Especially if you have children. So you become a subdued person who spends all their time desperately avoiding anything that might set them off - in front of your children.

He's picking things that actually don't matter and are of absolutely no consequence (disagreeing totally with Joys's first paragraph of how 'she would have been pissed off' who fails to understand that just mentioning the remote's positioning was a controlling act, not a reasonable request) - just as a handle to hang his control on.

Next it'll be that you shouldn't be going back to your parents any more and not going out with your friends any more - you name it, he'll be finding all sorts of stuff that he will use to control you and use as an excuse to blow up at you.

You do know OP that you can't argue with stupid? You cannot explain this to him, he will never understand it. He doesn't want to. He doesn't feel bad about it and even if he says he does (which he would do if he thought he was going to lose you, along with crocodile tears and possibly threats of suicide (yes, seriously) he doesn't mean it. It's just words.

If you do decide to vote with your feet and get out of this already toxic relationship, he will start up with the cycle of abuse. He'll go straight into Mr Nice for a bit, before the tension builds and he then has another blow-up (which he'll blame you for and you'll be the target of his rage). Repeat ad infinitum.

I sincerely hope you listen to those of us on here who have done this dance before. You can waste literally years with someone like this. You can never get those years back.

The first part of my post is just as valid and I stand by it. It is not good practice to be dismissive of somebody’s feelings. The OP needs to take a look at herself in respect of this.

However, she’d do best to run a mile. This man’s behaviour is massively OTT now, I’m frightened for her because it’ll be even more dangerous when he’s reacting to bigger issues or the little issues are snowballing in his mind.

At the very least take a few weeks out

Definitely will be taking some time away, having a good think and to give myself some time to re evaluate.

We're supposed to be going away for New Years!!! It's all booked and everything.

What awful timing.

Again thanks for all your replies, can't believe people have taken the time out to respond, it's really kind and much appreciated.

“ He has good morals ”

You mean he TALKS about being a good guy but actually isn’t.
Seen it a million times before

OP please read up on the cycle of abuse.

Be ready for self pity and how awful things are for him (and a trillion other excuses that he will come up with the second he realises that you're not engaging with him. Because he will, and you need to be ready for it. Been there done it bought the t-shirt, texts will go like this: oh I really love you I've been such an arsehole you mean the world to me it'll never happen again - why aren't you replying to me - you fucking bitch stop ignoring my texts - i'm going to take an overdose [this one's optional] - oh I really love you I've been such an arsehole you mean the world to me it'll never happen again repeat repeat repeat until at some point after the (totally fake ) nice phase, you crack and re-enter this insane world, this world which will never ever change or get better but which will only get worse.

Joys, OP didn't 'take no account of her partner's wishes about his remote' she calmly explained that there was no harm done, it's ok, chill out (you fucking nutter - although she didn't add those words, appropriate as they would have been). Whether OP realises it or not, this was her ALREADY demonstrating being the controlled person, trying to control the inevitable outburst, being manipulated.

YOUR comment to OP Joy is misguided I am sorry to say. When dealing with abusive people no amount of calm or respect will help or change anything and it is entirely unfair and wrong of you to suggest to OP that it can, or that she somehow caused him to flip his pathetic lid.

Can I ask what you think I should do right now?
We haven't spoken at all since about 6pm last night when I left. No messages or anything. Should I message him or leave it be?
I'll be honest, it's driving me insane not messaging him. I just have this thing inside me that just wants to fix everything. I've held out so far, but I can't believe he hasn't made any contact whatsoever.

Whatever annoying thing the colleague had done he was wrong to threaten them (to stop it) and then shout and he could have been / could be legitimately sacked. Going off sick in defiance / to try to avoid the disciplinary will count against him too. His employer may well fire him when he has the disciplinary, or if he steps at all out of line again.

The fact that he behaved like this at work and thinks he was in the right for shouting are further “red flags”.

No, don’t message him.

You can’t fix him.

You said yourself, you aways make the 1st move to sort things out. He's waiting for you to do that again. Let him wait. Don't message him. Even if you don't hear from him before you're supposed to leave for the new year. He's waiting for you to buckle. And tbh, you sound close to buckling. Don't message, don't phone and don't let his pissy behaviour ruin your Christmas.

I don't think you should contact him. If he contacts you, I think you should tell him the relationship is over. It will be difficult, but I truly believe you will look back on this in time and wonder why you put up with his behaviour. As pps have said, red flags are popping up with ever further detail you give about this man. The fact he hasn't contacted you to apologise for his behaviour is yet another. He's exercising control by waiting for you to beg him for contact - be strong and end the cycle.

He is holding back because you are at his parents house. He will be a whole lot worse when there aren’t any other adults living with you. That is when he will start to get physical with you. Don’t risk it. Leave him now and enjoy your life. Please.

It is much harder to rent with someone than it is to have limited privacy because of separate shared or family houses. Living together you will need to be responsible for and negotiate so many things, there is lots of scope for disagreement.

Who does his cooking, food shopping, washing and cleaning (not his room, the communal areas) at present? How much rent does he pay his family?

Now if you need “space” you can return to your respective family homes. Which is great for you right now.

At the VERY least postpone moving in with him indefinitely, and be ultra careful about contraception.

Don't message him. Spend the time reading up about abusive relationships. Honestly we're not trying to kill your fun. Just save you pain in the medium-long-term. I've been where you are. I escaped after 3 years with an abuser (who was also very nice sometimes) and thank the lord every day I did.

Amen bluejelly.

We aren't anywhere close to living together, we were saving for a deposit for a mortgage which would take us ages. Neither of us pay any rent to our parents, we have offered plenty of times but both sets won't take any money off either of us, we are very lucky in that respect.

We're always careful with contraception anyway, a child is the last thing I need.

I haven't messaged, and I won't message first, but I do hope he makes some form of contact soon so I can say my piece. I've been through worse than this before, and I have inner strength that is far greater than what he has.

I do love him so much though.

No @bluejelly I don't think that! And I don't feel patronised as someone said upthread. I know it's silly not to take advice when it all looks so clear. It'll just take me some time, that's all.