Please help me make sense of this

[lizzy5175]

Me and my BF have had a big fall out, and I'm not even sure what happened.

Bit of back story, we're both fairly young (21 and 24) and both live with parents. I live at his most of the time, but come home most weekends and the occasional week night. We have been together 2.5 years and are generally really happy and in love.

In the past I have noticed that sometimes he just switches and goes mad, literally like someone flicked a switch and he goes from 0-100 in a second. He has very little patience and a very short fuse. He has never hurt me or anything and I don't think he ever would. He's currently off work sick (he's not actually sick, that's a whole other thread though.) I came home from work yesterday really stressed and hot so half stripped off and flopped into bed. Everything was fine and we were chatting, laughing and cuddling for about 45 mins. He got up and started to moan about some pots that were left on the side, 2 were his, 1 was mine. He asked me to pass them him which I did, however a spoon somehow got trapped in between 2 cups and that seem to just set him off. I leaned up in bed and as I did my arm caught a plate on the bedside table that he had left there from his lunch, this caused the plate to fall and 2 sprouts to fall off and land onto the edge of the bed frame. I kind of went 'ahh!' And quickly picked the sprouts up. He went ballistic! Saying it was fresh bedding and what am I doing! I said it was an accident and the sprouts didn't touch the bedding they fell onto the metal bed frame, the sheets were fine. He really aggressively ripped the duvet off of me and threw it to the other side of the room, ripped the throw off the end of the bed and threw that too. My handbag was on the floor by the bed, he picked it up and threw it at the wall, I was just sat up in bed like 'what the fuck is happening' I'd also brought 2 bottle bags home from work which were thank you gifts from children and parents and he also plonked them near the wall, I'm surprised they didn't smash. I quickly got up, felt really weird because I was half naked so said 'I'm going, I don't know how you think you can act this way it's ridiculous' I really quickly got dressed and picked up what I could, got in my car and drove home sobbing. It was all just so fast and so stupid! He hasn't spoken to me or messaged me at all since then, this was at about 6pm last night.

I hate arguing as it makes me feel so so awful, I'm just worried that we won't speak now and it'll ruin Christmas! I didn't do anything wrong, I can't see how he thinks he can be in the right after reacting that way. Fair enough pots shouldn't be left around the room but he's been off work and at home ALL day while I've been in work for 9 hours, he could just wash them while I'm gone it takes 2 minutes.

I don't know if to message him or to just leave it at radio silence, I always seem to be the one who makes the first move to sort it out. Any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

Wise words spoken here. Take time and think it all over with the help of MN and your sister.

Great that you’ve spoken to your sister. Counselling (alone) is a good idea.

Perhaps it hasn’t just been the last few days: his behaviour has bothered you for some time.

Perhaps he’s not controlling relative to other abusive men/ the archetypes. But 2% of the time he feels entitled to horrible displays of temper when he perceives you - or others - have done “wrong”. And stonewalls until you cave. Those are huge problems alone and enough reason to run for the hills.

He also has problems at work due to his behaviour (and is dependent on family for work?) and when paying no rent does no housework for his family, and hardly any with you at either house. He isn’t even willing to clean the odd pot for you!

“me and my mum aren't really really close, he's always telling me I should make more effort and reminding me how lucky I am to have such a fantastic mum and family.” Depending on your reasons why you feel that way about your relationship with your mum that advice could be unsupportive and dismissive.

Your eyes are open so if you stay with him keep noticing these things.

Love for someone isn’t enough to make a relationship good.

Get out now.

So glad you are sharing things with your sister. I'm sure having the scales fall from your eyes is a huge shock and will take a little while to adjust to. But it will be worth it. Best of luck on your journey and keep posting on Mumsnet. You have 100s of women cheering you on to a better future

Speaking to your sister and considering counselling are massive steps lizzy well done! (Not meant in a patronising way at all, sorry if it looks that way written down).

You have 100s of women cheering you on to a better future

Absolutely!

The suggestion of counselling is an excellent idea OP I really hope you will take it up. I’m another mumsnetter with bitter personal experience of domestic abuse and I share others’ concern that you are describing very clear early indicators of both abusive behaviour from him and an unhealthy desire to rescue him for you. You’ve already mentioned possible autism and possible anger issues - I explored both of those possibilities with my ex and early in the relationship he attended some anger management sessions which he allowed me to believe were having some impact - but in reality it was never an anger issue as he had perfect control of his behaviour.

I posted on mumsnet in the early days of the relationship- some trivial issue about cleaning and ironing - and lots of posters said there were indicators of abuse. Honestly I thought they were barking but unfortunately they were right on the money.

You’re young and clearly intelligent and capable - no wonder this guy wants to get his hooks into you. Don’t let him.

I can't tell you how supported I feel. Like you are all giving me a massive 'leg up!'

We are now on normal speaking terms which i think is for the best as it allows me to get Christmas over, do the trip away for New Year and then I can start getting the ball rolling for that new job. I'm supposed to be going for a visit there on the 3rd Jan. The owner and manger there is so nice and she seems really keen on me. He's always been really supportive of me looking at other jobs as my current role sometimes causes problems for us, conflict of interests really between his parents and me. He already knows I had the interview and seemed really interested and happy when I said I'd been offered the position. Some have suggested he is also reliant on them for his job, he is not, he does work in the same field but in a different setting with a different age range.

I think gradually gaining independence from him will do me good. In terms of social independence I already have that, he has his strong group of boy friends and I have all of my friends and the 2 groups never really cross. It's just the work thing and being at his house so much, I think it will be Interesting to see what reducing the time spent together will do.

Oh and regarding the counselling, I got into contact with someone who I felt would be suitable and she charges £50 per hour. This seems like the going rate for it in my area. Something to look at for the new year but I wouldn't be able to afford it more than once per month as I'm too poor!

Hi there Lizzy.

It sounds really positive the IRL support you've got, the planning to take your career where you want possibly with more independence from and less crossover with his family (always awkward), and having found counselling. Do check that this person understands red flags, abusive and controlling people .

I bloody wish I'd even known about Mumsnet when I was with my partner. I wouldn't have wasted 5 years of my life with him and then ended up having to ditch him age 45 (still on me tod!!). It's worth doing anything that you can to get more insight into how your past can affect your current and future.

You are right - it will be interesting to see what reducing the time spent together will do. His initial reaction has been to be quietly support (is that about right?) but don't take this as fully an honest reflection of his feelings - just use caution and a bit of the jaundiced eye that some of us poor beggars on here have!! He could be currently in his 'nice' faze and then when he sees you mean to go away in NY, and go for the other job, etc, he may switch into the less pleasant version of himself or the oh poor me, so be ready for it and don't be drawn in.

Have a lovely Xmas!

Don’t be put off OP I found a very good counsellor who discounted his fees to accommodate me after I walked out of my marriage many thousand pounds in debt. It’s worth asking around. Another option you could be looking at is the Freedom Programme - it is available online as well as in group sessions.

Remember too that let's say he does have "anger issues", so what? He could have fully diagnoses angryman-itis but that doesn't mean you have to accept being on the receiving end.

Did he apologise properly yet? Without blaming you somehow.

You need counselling more than once a month.

Google low cost counselling services in your area. You'll find something cheaper.

Weekly counselling will have an impact. Monthly counselling is a waste of money. It won't enable you and the counsellor to build up a relationship.

Why should you be walking on eggshells with him. Unless he can get anger management... don't go back or he'll thunk this is acceptable behaviour.

This reminds me of a girl I was in college with. She spilt a bit of wine on his shoe while they were out and he went ballistic. Calling her a stupid slag etc

So much so that she was still crying about it on Monday at college..it happened in the Saturday.

Run away as fast as your legs will carry you. Look for a new partner that is kind patient and doesn’t have anger issues. I can promise you this will get worse once you live together and especially if you then have children. Listen to the scores of women that KNOW where this relationship is heading....please!!?!?

Has he apologised? And said that he is to blame?

If not, why not?

He always says it will be easier when living together because we won't be stuck inside one bedroom. If one of us needs space we can just go to another room which we can't really do now due to the living arrangements.

So he expects things to continue as they are? He doesn't think he needs to change in any way? To control his outbursts?

If you have a shared house, that will give him a whole lot more rooms and objects to be fussy about and watchful over.

Was it his suggestion to save for a mortgage, rather than to rent together? Might that be so you are more securely tied to him by bricks and mortar?

Worth watching OP. A TED talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner talking about being a victim of domestic abuse, what was going on in her mind, and why she didn’t leave her abusive husband.

OP i hate to say this but he will hit you one day when throwing stuff is no longer be enough.
Also if he yells at the remote falling off how will he cope if you decide to have DC? Children can be a lot messier than just a few sprouts and a remote on the floor. What happens then?
Please leave this child, yes he is a child, before things get more serious and complicated