Please help me make sense of this

[lizzy5175]

Me and my BF have had a big fall out, and I'm not even sure what happened.

Bit of back story, we're both fairly young (21 and 24) and both live with parents. I live at his most of the time, but come home most weekends and the occasional week night. We have been together 2.5 years and are generally really happy and in love.

In the past I have noticed that sometimes he just switches and goes mad, literally like someone flicked a switch and he goes from 0-100 in a second. He has very little patience and a very short fuse. He has never hurt me or anything and I don't think he ever would. He's currently off work sick (he's not actually sick, that's a whole other thread though.) I came home from work yesterday really stressed and hot so half stripped off and flopped into bed. Everything was fine and we were chatting, laughing and cuddling for about 45 mins. He got up and started to moan about some pots that were left on the side, 2 were his, 1 was mine. He asked me to pass them him which I did, however a spoon somehow got trapped in between 2 cups and that seem to just set him off. I leaned up in bed and as I did my arm caught a plate on the bedside table that he had left there from his lunch, this caused the plate to fall and 2 sprouts to fall off and land onto the edge of the bed frame. I kind of went 'ahh!' And quickly picked the sprouts up. He went ballistic! Saying it was fresh bedding and what am I doing! I said it was an accident and the sprouts didn't touch the bedding they fell onto the metal bed frame, the sheets were fine. He really aggressively ripped the duvet off of me and threw it to the other side of the room, ripped the throw off the end of the bed and threw that too. My handbag was on the floor by the bed, he picked it up and threw it at the wall, I was just sat up in bed like 'what the fuck is happening' I'd also brought 2 bottle bags home from work which were thank you gifts from children and parents and he also plonked them near the wall, I'm surprised they didn't smash. I quickly got up, felt really weird because I was half naked so said 'I'm going, I don't know how you think you can act this way it's ridiculous' I really quickly got dressed and picked up what I could, got in my car and drove home sobbing. It was all just so fast and so stupid! He hasn't spoken to me or messaged me at all since then, this was at about 6pm last night.

I hate arguing as it makes me feel so so awful, I'm just worried that we won't speak now and it'll ruin Christmas! I didn't do anything wrong, I can't see how he thinks he can be in the right after reacting that way. Fair enough pots shouldn't be left around the room but he's been off work and at home ALL day while I've been in work for 9 hours, he could just wash them while I'm gone it takes 2 minutes.

I don't know if to message him or to just leave it at radio silence, I always seem to be the one who makes the first move to sort it out. Any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

New job sounds better, take it!

And in addition actively seek graduate level work with that degree, including in other cities. And career advice. Don’t tell your BF!

I doubt very much he'll have a change in personality if you live together with more space. Either finish it now or tell him he's got one more chance or you'll walk.

Dump him. You’re young and unencumbered by kids. You don’t have joint property. You don’t need this shit. Hold out for someone with fewer issues. Life will be much simpler. Don’t spend your life trying to fix someone and overlooking his obvious issues because you’re ‘in love’. You could love someone supportive just as easily.

I feel such hope and happiness for you OP.

Please go forward on this positive and fulfilling path, PLEASE don't get pulled back in. I know it's really really hard and not what you imagined, but a much better brighter future awaits you.

Go for it.

The thing that strikes me is that he is 'off sick' because he is in another I-am-right power struggle/tantrum/strop with his manager at work. And this has been going on for 6 weeks?? It can only be that he also works for his parents because in the normal, real world he should have been dismissed ages ago.

Can you not see that he will NEVER admit he is in the wrong. This is utterly pathological - he is completely prepared to sulk himself into being sacked rather than learn to deal with life in an adult, rational way.

Please, please, let him also strop his way into losing his girlfriend. You do not want to waste all your lovely, emotionally-normal young life on someone who has such appalling emotional damage. You cannot fix him. He will destroy you.

@Lookatyourwatchnow certainly not thinking about having children. There are lots of people on mumsnet who are not parents.

He still hasn't messaged. I just can't imagine what he is thinking, in his head, I must be the one in the wrong otherwise he would have apologised by now.

This is not the behaviour of the loveable guy I adore. If my mum knew what was happening she'd be devastated. I can't believe he's allowing me to sit at home alone and feel this way. It's so upsetting.

All this over a bleedin sprout

Does your mum know about the times he has NOT been “lovely”? Have you asked her or your friends for their honest opinions of him?

Please forgive me,
But I can't help reading this thread and thinking it's all abit over the top. I am completely taking on board what you're all saying, and I know most of you are speaking from experience. But yesterday, everything was fine, how has it gone from that to this in a day?
I'm not being stupid and blind when I say we are so happy 98% of the time.

Is there a possibility this could be more of an anger issue?

Everything I've read on controlling relationships talks about people not wanting you to have friends, being weird about you going out, causing problems between your family and friends so you fall out with them. He does none of this! If I ever get to the end of the month and have been rubbish and don't have enough money to go out he will always offer to lend me. He doesn't message me when I'm out he just lets me get on with it. If I forget to message him when I get in to let him know I'm home safe and forget in the morning, he'll text to make sure I got in ok but that's normal!
He goes and plays his football with his dad and friends a few times a week, I go out and see friends, go out for food, cinema, drinks or whatever, just all normal things with no issues. If anything he encourages me to go out, it gives him chance to play fifa without me moaning at him!
He loves all of my family, if I ever fall out with any of them or have abit of a moan he always encourages me to try and make it better. Me and my mum aren't really really close, he's always telling me I should make more effort and reminding me how lucky I am to have such a fantastic mum and family.

Could it be more of an anger issue?
What @Joysmum said upthread does have some truth to it, I could be less selfish and move a few pots after myself!
That being said that reaction is not ok! It is intimidating! But could that just be anger? His initial reactions to situations.

But why should you have to move his washing up and leftovers out of the way when he has been doing nothing all day. If it causes him a problem he should deal with it, not blame you. He isn't apologising because he knows you will cave first. Just as he believes his employer should. Nothing will ever be his fault.

But they're my pots too! I know it isn't just about pots, but pots are what started it and what we always bicker about. I should move my own pots at the very least. He shouldn't react that way to anything, especially something as minor as a few pots and a sprout on the bed.

So lets say it's an anger issue? (whatever that is - it's a bit of a catch-all term as far as I can see)

Is it your fault, or just your problem?

Has he ever acknowleged it, apologised, sought help for it?

I understand it being difficult to believe and I imagine you're still upset from the fall out but throwing things/anger etc is a classic bullying/controlling issue.
Also because he isn't making the first move (which he should be apologising, not you) that gives you time to stew on the issue and blame yourself. I bet you are a super conscientious, nice and empathetic person so will immediately want to remedy the issues, he will know this.

I have found Baggage Reclaim to be quite useful. Here's a link about red flags and how anger and aggression is one of them:

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-code-red-and-code-amber-behaviour-in-dating-and-relationships/

Good luck and stay strong

It starts with low level stuff and escalates. I wish I’d had the advice you’ve just had when I was 21. Literally the only thing that stops me regretting ever clapping eyes on the bastard that is my XH is the fact I have my eldest son. But believe me when I tell you I had to put myself back together piece by piece because he destroyed every part of me. Deliberately and with gusto. And kept trying, until he stopped giving a shit.

The reason it seems OTT to you is that he has already begun conditioning you to minimise his behaviour and ignore advice and support from other people. Please, please speak to someone in RL, you need to get out for your own sake.

lizzy - the thing about controlling relationships is that they don't start full-on with the control. Just think about it - you'd never stay with someone who did that, would you? No, they 'train' you bit by bit, and you don't realise it's happening till it's too late. And then you're so well-trained that you blame yourself ("if I was tidier/more considerate/better"), you make excuses for their behaviour ("he's had a hard time/things are difficult at work/I mad him angry") and you try that bit harder not to put a foot wrong. You walk on eggshells all the time.

The thing is, you can try as hard as you like, but it won't EVER be quite enough. He'll change the goalposts - and this is when the stopping you doing things, seeing friends, having hobbies will happen. And you'll go along with it - because you'll have been trained to keep him happy. The control, the strops, outbursts, will escalate - and between each one there will be tears, apologies and periods of calm and normality. Apology presents, vows that things will change...they never do. Except to get that bit worse, bit by bit. You'll hold onto the good bits and persuade yourself - again - that it's you, not him. It isn't.

Eventually, you'll find it's easier to go along with this because your self-confidence will have somehow vanished. You might feel that you're not the bright independent woman you used to be but you won't be able to put your finger on how or when it happened....

Believe me, it's a slippery slope and if there had been Mumsnet when I was younger, I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak. There's a heap of good advice on here, spoken from experience - don't be another who wishes she'd got out sooner.

Good luck xx

Sorry - that took me so long to type, others have already said it, so much more concisely...!

Abbey I read yours and thought you said it better than I did
But OP please take this on board, please.

I think what I'm trying to say is that even if it's an anger issue, or depression, or something else, it's still having an effect on you.If he's making an effort to address whatever it is, that would be one thing. But is he?

And even if he were, you need to decide whether you can live with that side of him

Yours is a relatively early relationship. If these things were to arise later in a longstanding relationship or marriage, then the balance might sway more in favour of trying to fix things. But really this is such early days, with few life stresses on top,when you should be seeing the best of him. Not red flags

Also because he isn't making the first move (which he should be apologising, not you) that gives you time to stew on the issue and blame yourself. I bet you are a super conscientious, nice and empathetic person so will immediately want to remedy the issues, he will know this

YES

OP. Firstly, he is controlling you ALREADY. You are already trying to modulate your behaviour to avoid him blowing up - can you not see that you're already on the path?

You're already on the path to the point where you WILL have your friends controlled, your activities controlled, where you doubt yourself more and more, where his rage and how he expresses it escalates until it won't just be a handbag he's throwing against the wall, it will be you. He's not mentally stable and you cannot change him.

Nothing different happened between yesterday and today other than (thank God for you) you started this thread and you were alerted to the reality of the situation. But he's showing you who he is now and you have this opportunity to listen to what he's telling you (that he's unstable, unable to regulate even basic behaviours, violent, self absorbed, probably NPD and therefore you'd achieve more telling water to flow uphill than you would trying to get him to change, because he can't change).

I can tell you what happens if you settle for the 98% of the time is good scenario. In 5 years time it'll have to end anyway because he'll have smashed your home up one too many times or kicked you dog in the face or moved on to hitting and physically intimidating you, and you'll think fuck me, I wish I'd knocked this on the head 5 years ago. Stay and things will change, but they will change for the worst I absolutely 10,000% guarantee you.

And I know that you think your situation is unique and that you are unique (you are). But this situation is all too familiar and a repetition of it is playing out in thousands of homes across the UK right now. Whilst you are lovely and special and unique, the situation is not. There is nothing that YOU specifically can do that will be any different to what millions of women have tried (and failed at) attempting to change their husbands / partners 'if only I could make him understand' 'if only he would get it' 'if only he would listen'. He'll never understand, he'll never get it, he'll never listen, he may pretend to try but it will never ever be genuine.

Tell you what, if you can't believe in what we're all saying on here, go to a counsellor (preferably through Women's Aid who is familiar with abusive types), tell them about the relationship, his outbursts, his anger - I guarantee you they will have the same thoughts as we all have on here.

Only you can decide what to do OP and I'm not going to post again as we've all said all that we can and signposted you to some really useful learning sources so that you don't have to suffer like we did. Whether you choose to learn and grow from accessing that information or the help of a good counsellor or not, is up to you. I wish you luck in making the right decision.

Run for the hills. He is potentially abusive. He would make a terrible father who would mess up your children.

If he can’t cope with a sprout falling on the bed frame, he will never cope with normal family life. You and your kids will be walking on eggshells.
The situation at work sounds dodgy too, makes him sound confrontational and lazy to be on the sick for six weeks when there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s lucky he’s not been sacked yet.

Given the job situation, your emotinal and financial well-being are massively tied up in this man and his family.

Marriage involves mutually binding oneself to someone in that fashion. In your situation, you're bound to him but he's not similarly bound to you. That's one hell of a one-sided relationship.

@keeponworking thank you so much. I really do appreciate all of your words. I never would have realised without this thread. I have come round to my sisters and told her everything, so now I have support IRL. She is much older than me, a MH nurse and has been through a divorce herself, we are still talking it through. I think i am going to take your advice and seek some counselling as I struggle to talk about things out loud with people I know, it just makes me cringe.
Thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to share your stories and your supportive words, I really have been enlightened and the seed has been well and truly planted.

Liz x

All the very best lizzy

Fantastic to hear that you’re talking to your sister and considering counselling. Be prepared for him to turn on the charm hugely and promise to change if you break off the relationship. But he has shown you his true colours.