Please help me make sense of this

[lizzy5175]

Me and my BF have had a big fall out, and I'm not even sure what happened.

Bit of back story, we're both fairly young (21 and 24) and both live with parents. I live at his most of the time, but come home most weekends and the occasional week night. We have been together 2.5 years and are generally really happy and in love.

In the past I have noticed that sometimes he just switches and goes mad, literally like someone flicked a switch and he goes from 0-100 in a second. He has very little patience and a very short fuse. He has never hurt me or anything and I don't think he ever would. He's currently off work sick (he's not actually sick, that's a whole other thread though.) I came home from work yesterday really stressed and hot so half stripped off and flopped into bed. Everything was fine and we were chatting, laughing and cuddling for about 45 mins. He got up and started to moan about some pots that were left on the side, 2 were his, 1 was mine. He asked me to pass them him which I did, however a spoon somehow got trapped in between 2 cups and that seem to just set him off. I leaned up in bed and as I did my arm caught a plate on the bedside table that he had left there from his lunch, this caused the plate to fall and 2 sprouts to fall off and land onto the edge of the bed frame. I kind of went 'ahh!' And quickly picked the sprouts up. He went ballistic! Saying it was fresh bedding and what am I doing! I said it was an accident and the sprouts didn't touch the bedding they fell onto the metal bed frame, the sheets were fine. He really aggressively ripped the duvet off of me and threw it to the other side of the room, ripped the throw off the end of the bed and threw that too. My handbag was on the floor by the bed, he picked it up and threw it at the wall, I was just sat up in bed like 'what the fuck is happening' I'd also brought 2 bottle bags home from work which were thank you gifts from children and parents and he also plonked them near the wall, I'm surprised they didn't smash. I quickly got up, felt really weird because I was half naked so said 'I'm going, I don't know how you think you can act this way it's ridiculous' I really quickly got dressed and picked up what I could, got in my car and drove home sobbing. It was all just so fast and so stupid! He hasn't spoken to me or messaged me at all since then, this was at about 6pm last night.

I hate arguing as it makes me feel so so awful, I'm just worried that we won't speak now and it'll ruin Christmas! I didn't do anything wrong, I can't see how he thinks he can be in the right after reacting that way. Fair enough pots shouldn't be left around the room but he's been off work and at home ALL day while I've been in work for 9 hours, he could just wash them while I'm gone it takes 2 minutes.

I don't know if to message him or to just leave it at radio silence, I always seem to be the one who makes the first move to sort it out. Any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

It's not up to you to fix him, only he can do that. He's stropped off till you start toeing the line again, bugger that.

He's just about keeping a lid on it for now, but he doesn't sound safe to be with and certainly not safe to be around little ones.

It's hard to do, as you're not seeing things as that bad, but these are reasons to leave.

Once every 2 weeks is often.

You know this is all wrong.

Don't message him.

Totally understand where you're coming from, Lizzy. It's a shock to learn that the man you love so much, that can be so caring and kind sometimes, is actually a wolf in sheep's clothing.
I wish I had mumsnet when I was going through it. What I did have was a best friend who gently encouraged me to see what she could see so clearly, and a counsellor who helped me find the words that enabled me to leave.

I'm trapped with a horrid man like this..

95% of the time he is lovely. But for that remaining 5% he is horrible. And as our marriage continues, he is becoming more horrible than less.

When they have you trapped, through emotional, physical, mental and financial abuse, they don't keep up appearances at all any longer.

You say this man is nice, but what he did is aggressive and you were half naked - pretty degrading to be honest.

I'm glad you have somewhere to go...imagine if you didn't and you we are stuck there all day with him. Imagine the atmosphere. Imagine how trapped you'd feel. Add in some children. Worth that what they see is normalized. Imagine it.

Now ask yourself if you can stay with someone so volatile that they throw things about - and all because something has happened that they don't like. This was over sprouts.

Run!

Don't message him, and there’s no point saying your piece, it won’t make a scrap of difference. I’d actually block him and never speak to him again if I were you

You see OP, you're at the early days part of this all. You think that saying your piece will actually have some effect.

Well, it will, but the 'effect' it has will be fake and not genuine at all.

He might pretend he's now 'got it' but he won't have. He'll likely turn it round and blame in on you (something you did or didn't do, something you said or didn't say etc etc etc) or whine about what's made him this way and that he's never going to do it again. Many of us on here fell for this because we didn't realise that we were on a hiding to nothing and were never going to make headway with the person that we were with.

It's VERY difficult to accept that there is literally no point you trying - honestly, there really really isn't. You need to not contact him and ignore him when he contacts you. At best, simply reply with 'I'm taking a break from our relationship for a while and don't wish to have any contact with you'. Then don't have any contact with him. Believe me, he'll try soft and gentle he'll try whining he'll try bullying, he'll try it all and engaging - even just to 'say your piece' risks you being pulled back into the abuser's world.

Please don't get trapped by him - decent people don't behave as he did. They have respect for other people. They are not entitled. They show love in their words and their actions. They do not strop, tantrum, make you anxious. They do not try to change you in any way.

I wish I had known better. He sounds like he has some kind of problem with control. Wants to control others but can't control himself, hence the outburst. You can't live like that. They always have an excuse.

He didn't accept that was how I felt and said that I do things to provoke and then I get upset at his reaction, and he comes out looking like the bad one.

He denied your feelings; said you upset him on purpose then get upset with him for reacting; then complained that he ends up looking bad.

This is really twisted logic, and yes, it's abusive.

I'd get rid.

And there's no point trying to explain any of this to him. He will just find a way to twist it round to blame you again.

You're lucky that you don't live with him yet. It will be so much easier to free yourself from this relationship. Just count your lucky stars that you are not more tied up with him.

@user1499333856 that was really powerful, thank you. I'm sorry you're trapped, I hope there is something you can do to get out.

I am lucky to not be in the situation you described. I can't really just do that. I work for, and with, his mum and dad. They are my managers. The place I work is his home, there are occasions where I would have to see him. All of my work uniform and a lot of my stuff is at his and with him not being in work I wouldn't have a chance to get any of it.

I don't want to have to quit my job, I love my job. I've been there a good few years and have a good group of friends there.

Oh dear, this is all going to turn out so awfully. My job and my relationship gone, who will I even be? They are the 2 main aspects of my life.

whatever you decide about the relationship, suggest seeking alternative employment. Never, ever a good idea to depend on your BF’s family for employment.

Don’t buy a place with him, until you’ve rented with him - which no one here recommends! Just better and easier to get out of than a mortgage - and keep your savings separate.

Does he do his fair share of domestic work at his parents’ house? If not, you should assume that you will have disagreements over that should you live together.

If your parents are happy to put you up rent free for a while longer why not consider a different job, further study or training?

He didn't accept that was how I felt and said that I do things to provoke and then I get upset at his reaction, and he comes out looking like the bad one.

Absolutely classic abuser speak. ‘YOU made me do it’. Utter nonsense. He’s abusive and controlling you with his temper flare ups. Their frequency will increase. Mr Nice Guy will disappear.

What do you mean who will you be without your relationship? I’ll ell you, you’ll be a happier, more relaxed person who clearly sees that she’s been in an abusive controlling relationship. That’s no way to live. Have you lost your job? You can get another.

As for idiot boy with his staying off work because he shouted at people, imagine living with that for years to come! Nothing is his fault, obviously. (I’m rolling my eyes super hard)

When I met my partner I was at a low ebb. I wasn't working. He quickly took full control of my life. My friends, the country we live in.

I would give you this advice: say nothing. Just quietly start putting your affairs in order. Find a new job. Be independent of him.

I'm reading a book at the moment, a book sent to me by a friend my DH hates. I've screen grabbed two cheaper headers for you to consider.

Make plans. Be self sufficient and when the time is right for you, go, go, go!

I wish you luck. You have to make yourself so strong they can't touch you.

Oh and mine falls out with people at work. Last time he got the sack because he was trying to park in the company car park and the security driver had the cheek to question him about it. Cue verbal abuse from my DH. Yeah, that worked out well for him. Can't keep a job at all. And think of all the worry and stress that brings - it's too late once you're stuck. That's your new normal. And you agreed to it.

It's always someone else's fault. But they are the common denominator, in truth. This is not your fault. Be free!

I worked there before me and him met @Dozer. And not really the general house, his room yes. I usually wash up, I cook because I enjoy it. He occasionally washes pots or hoovers but that's very occasionally. He does the large majority of our laundry and mostly always tidies our bedroom.

I'd say it's shared to some extent but we could be better at it.

I'm pretty bemused at this whole thing, we're so happy and so normal 99% of the time.

@user1499333856 thank you so much. It's really odd timing, or good depending on how you look at it. There was the possibility of a new job for me, but I certainly wasn't going to take it. How odd that this has come at the same time, almost like it was meant to be.

My heart really does go out to you, if you would like to message me privately, even if you just want someone to chat to, please feel free.

I'm thinking I will take the other job, one step closer to not being reliant on him. Just such a shame as I didn't want to have to leave.

Whatever the order of the relationship/job it’s now a bad plan to stay in the job -

So at 24 he pays no rent and doesn’t clean his parents’ house or cook for them? Sounds like his domestic work is minimal. In which case living with anyone is likely to be a shock to him and increase conflict, especially if his attitude is that his “tidier” ways are best!

what’s the new job option like compared to this one - pay, prospects, employer? Not being in your BF’s house / with his family is a huge plus!

Yes...really listen to what @Dozer just said in her last post, final paragraph.

When I met my husband he was in his own flat. It was immaculate. Immaculate. Little did I know that his mother had come round and put the entire place in order for him. My DH is completely enabled in his laziness. And yes, he always wants things done in a certain way. But he won't pull his weight to do it. They basically take you over to make you carry their load so they can carry on doing what they want to do.

You will end up being left dependent on his family, isolated and walking round on eggshells. Nothing is ever enough.

It's the same job role, with a completely different company for about 3k more a year. I am overqualified for the job anyway, I have a first class honours degree but the job only requires a Level 3 qualification. I could do with putting my degree to good use but still unsure of what I want to do with it so what I do now is fine, plus allows me to build up my experience.

Crikey fuck that for a laugh.

Run >>>>>>>>>> that way

You sound like a lovely, clever girl. You deserve so much more. Not only has he treated you terribly, but he's giving you the silent treatment until YOU apologise, he doesn't even have the decency to admit he's wrong. It wouldn't be better in a house, he'd just have more to smash up and no risk of anyone else seeing.. Try and take time away over Xmas. Try not to contact him. Talk to your family and friends and be strong when he contacts you (he will when he realises his control is slipping and he will promise you the world). Take the new job if you can. It's a new experience and a new reference for when you decide what you want to do.

This may feel like hell now, and you will have some heartache to get through, but you could look back on this as one of the best things that happened to you (I do when I look back on some earlier break ups).

It worries me that you are posting on Mumsnet mainly because, if you are on here, you are probably thinking of having babies. Why else would you be accessing this particular website?

FFS!

Eh?!