To not find DH sexually attractive anymore?

[Zara86]

Hi, I love DH very much and have always found him attractive. He was slim when we met and a good few years ago he put on alot of weight. I have always seen past the weight as realise there's more to somebody and I love him. However lately I'm struggling to want sex because of his big stomach. It gets in the way and crushes me and I find the whole experience awkward. I feel really upset and guilty for even posting this.
DH is well aware he needs to lose weight and doesn't like looking this way, he goes to the gym on lunchtimes sometimes when time but his job is very sedentary. He doesn't eat half the amount you'd expect to be this big and doesn't drink heavily. I think it's genetics and it'll take him a lot of work to lose. I'm not bothered about abit of a stomach, I'm not perfect myself but this is a big stomach that hangs right over and you see through all of his clothes. He is too nice too spoil and no matter how I try I don't like to see him naked now. I had a baby 8 months ago and have lost me baby weight and got my stomach flatish and I don't understand why I can do that and he can't without having to give birth. Our bodies all change over time but this is a weight issue and not down to age. I really want to find him attractive again and want sex again.

I'm also worried about DH's health as men over 30 with big bellies can have an increased risk of heart attack. He's a 36-38 waist.

Is anybody else in a similar situation?

Yes. My DH has always been overweight but for years I never mentioned it as I loved him and didn’t want to knock his self esteem. His mum would constantly make digs at him though. We have been together 24 years and he has put on a lot more weight over the years.

About twenty years ago he did the cabbage soup diet (I think it’s the one that people who are going for bariatric surgery do) and he lost lots of weight very quickly but of course it’s not a long term solution and he couldn’t maintain it. For the short time he has slimmed down he was much more confident in himself.

In the past few years I have begun to gently mentioned to him he needs to lose weight for the sake of his health and because we have four children who don’t want to lose their dad. He is in his fifties, has a very large tummy, gets very tired and stressed (work, money worries and caring for an elderly parent,) gets little exercise and I think is a secret eater. He doesn’t eat large meals but I think he raids the fridge late at night and gets lots of snacks when driving the kids to activity clubs.

I have been lucky to never had a problem with my weight but this year I started to feel sluggish and unhealthy so in the last couple of months I have begun to do a little bit of exercise (like 20 mins a day) and just cut down a bit on sugar, wheat and processed foods. No drastic changes but I feel lots better and I have lost nearly a stone very gradually.

I hoped it might prompt DH to join me, but no. I haven’t said anything to him as on the occasions I have referred to him losing weight/getting some exercise, he will say yes but not do anything, which has led me to believe that he must be happy the way he is. I’ve asked him to go to the doctor to get some proper support and get a full ‘well man’ check up but he says he doesn’t have time. I just want him to find out if there is a reason (besides perhaps overeating and not being active enough) for the weight problem.

Anyway, to drag this back to the point - I do not find him attractive at all anymore. I love him, but I do not fancy him. He doesn’t even try to dress nicely anymore. He always looked smart and had pride in his appearance. It upsets me that he seems not to try to look nice anymore, but because we have so much stuff going on in our lives I think maybe it doesn’t matter. Our sex life is non-existent and that’s fine by me right now as I find him a turn off. Our sex life was never amazing but good enough and because he is a really good guy in all other ways I didn’t dwell on it. I have never told him I don’t like the way he looks - it would hurt him too much.

I’ve accepted that we are at a stage in our lives now where there is just too much other stuff going on in the big picture and the (reasonably attractive) couple we once were is sadly a thing of the past.

Probably not what you want to read, but that’s just my situation.

If I was in your shoes I would be much more vocal in encouraging DH to get active. Maybe join a gym together or go for a jog/run together? With the baby in the buggy. Join a dance class? Something fun for you both anyway.

Try doing the Whole30 diet together?

Your feelings are human.

People that say, you get married etc for better or for worse are being simplistic.

In most cases, relationships start because of attraction, which is the pathway to wanting to know more.

You should have a frank conversation with him. I’ve read a few threads where people have said, I’ve recently put on 4 Stone & my partner won’t come anywhere near me. It’s not shallow, it’s human nature.

Good luck, I hope you can inspire him

Thanks pp, dh is only in his early thirties and has had his belly since his mid twenties and I just feel he's too young and have mentioned it to him for his health. That's sad for you as well pp as fifties is still young.

I feel he's gained weight since the baby and not lost it. He keeps thinking he's lost weight and gets really happy about it when if anything to me he just looks the same if not bigger. DH's health is really worrying me but unlike your DH he doesn't midnight snack. He honestly doesn't eat that much. We both eat the same and I don't have a weight problem and he does; I can only put it down to genetics. I want him to be fit and keep up with dc when older and running around. We don't have time to exercise together, DH works very long hours and I work part time and look after dd. DH does go to the gym in the middle of his working day but a lot of the time meetings come up or he can't be bothered some times which is fair enough as he does get tired, our lives aren't easy at the moment like most people's.

If you want to help him it would help if you stopped blaming it on genetics. You’re just excusing it all then as if he doesn’t have much to do with the issue.

It’s a tough conversation to have though. Maybe ask him to try out a Fitbit so you can both see exactly where he’s lacking in activity (you could get one yourself)

And you going on top sorts out the bedroom issue.

Does he want to lose weight? For himself?

I think it's completely fair to expect a partner to deal with slight weight gain and loss across the course of a relationship, my BMI is healthy but when I met my OH I was at my slimmest due to a period of intense stress and then gained my normal weight back. He has gained around half to one stone too. That amount of weight gain isn't a huge deal and I'd say someone was being unreasonable for that to affect their attraction.

But what you talk about sounds like a pretty significant increase in his weight and decrease in overall fitness. So I guess my query is, is he wanting to lose weight or is he perfectly happy at this weight and willing to pay the price (accepts being overweight in order to have a less stressful life and eat what he wants and not have to work out). If he wants to lose weight you have a chance but if all of it is coming from you I fear the long term impact on your relationship. It can be hard to lose weight even when you want to, if someone else is pressuring you it's much much harder. You'll resent him for his weight and he'll resent you for 'nagging' all the while your sex life is withering.

It's unrealistic and naive at best to take the approach of 'if you love someone it shouldn't matter', attraction is a key part of romantic love and he's no longer the man you fell for, and were attracted to, physically.

I'm sorry i suspect he is consuming calories that you aren't aware of. Unless he has a significant health problem - fat is made from excessive food consumption. I know, I am fat and I suspect no one knows how much I actually eat.

I get what you're saying, OP. My DH has always had a belly and it's the one thing about him I wish would change. But he's very tall, which I really like, and he does take pride in the way he dresses, and I like that as well.

I'm no oil painting myself, my weight has been a battle all my life and it yo-yos constantly. It's not too bad at the moment though. I was slim when DH and I got together and I asked him whether he would fancy me if I put on weight. He said, 'I don't like big women', which upset me at the time, but it was a loaded question and unfair.

Thanks for your replies. Yes dh does want to lose weight. He is depressed about the way he looks and doesn't like the way clothes look on him. He has wanted to lose weight for years now but it isn't happening. He probably needs to lose 3 stone to really make a difference. It seems he loses a couple pounds, gets far too excited about it than put it back on. I make healthy meals and support him in what ever way I can. I don't know what's left other than maybe a crash diet like Palio (spelling?) as his body is just clinging on to the weight. A stone or so I could deal with but not this amount of weight. I feel sad looking at old pics of him and then seeing him now. I love him so much and want him to be he best version of himself he can be. He seems depressed to me as well because of his appearance. I've had to encourage him to make more him to make more of an effort with clothes and to look after himself more. For instance I'd be all dressed nice when going out and he's be wearing old clothes and not making any effort.

He must be eating more than you are aware of. If he works long hours then you don’t see what he is eating.

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He swears he doesn't snack at work not even on Xmas sweets and he says he has really healthy lunches but I feel he is lying because I can't understand it. If he eats the same as me when how isn't he losing weight? I do know he needs to make more time for the gym as at present once a week if that some weeks and he drives to and from a sedentary job.

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Honestly OP, it is very unlikely that he eats the same as you and he has a weight problem while you don’t. It is far, far more likely that he eats more than you realise.

Either your healthy meals are not as healthy as you think, or he’s eating in secret.

But YANBU at all to want him to do something about it.

the meals are healthy and I am not over weight (we eat the same.) it's really bizarre why his weight isn't coming off.

He swears he isn't though usually I can tell when he's lying and I don't want to nag him incessantly about his diet at work

He's eating or drinking more than you know. Also needs to get moving more. Only he can make those lifestyle choices.

You don't suddenly put on weight due to genetics, you axtually have to be eating enough calories to do it, unless he has some form of illness.

As such, he's lying either to you or himself about what he's eating. It could be portion size.

What are his options at work? At my workplace if you don’t take your own lunch it’s chips, doughnuts, pizza, pasties.

Yes I thought from the measurements you gave he’s not that big. Depends on his height.

What's both your alcohol consumption like because there is a huge amount of easy to slip down and not notice calories in booze. Plus also the rise of coffee, anyone that has a big fancy coffee with syrup in every day it's really not noticeable as it's liquid but again many calories.

Do you think he comfort eats? Did anything happen around the time he started to put on weight? My sisters and I all have disordered eating. Four over eat when unhappy and two of us can't eat when unhappy.

Losing weight is so hard. Even diets only have a 5% success rate as our bodies start to crave what were restricting. Once you're quote overweight it's no longer just a question of "willpower" but a hugely complex mix if things that keeps a person larger.

Give secret eaters a watch, nobody is overweight by accident