To not find DH sexually attractive anymore?

[Zara86]

Hi, I love DH very much and have always found him attractive. He was slim when we met and a good few years ago he put on alot of weight. I have always seen past the weight as realise there's more to somebody and I love him. However lately I'm struggling to want sex because of his big stomach. It gets in the way and crushes me and I find the whole experience awkward. I feel really upset and guilty for even posting this.
DH is well aware he needs to lose weight and doesn't like looking this way, he goes to the gym on lunchtimes sometimes when time but his job is very sedentary. He doesn't eat half the amount you'd expect to be this big and doesn't drink heavily. I think it's genetics and it'll take him a lot of work to lose. I'm not bothered about abit of a stomach, I'm not perfect myself but this is a big stomach that hangs right over and you see through all of his clothes. He is too nice too spoil and no matter how I try I don't like to see him naked now. I had a baby 8 months ago and have lost me baby weight and got my stomach flatish and I don't understand why I can do that and he can't without having to give birth. Our bodies all change over time but this is a weight issue and not down to age. I really want to find him attractive again and want sex again.

I'm also worried about DH's health as men over 30 with big bellies can have an increased risk of heart attack. He's a 36-38 waist.

Is anybody else in a similar situation?

I would say a 38 inch waist is fairly big, yes.

You're not being unreasonable OP - but I'm not sure what you can do. He's obviously lying about his eating - genetics don't mean you put on three stone for no reason. Does he drink a lot of takeaway coffee, or like biscuits with his tea? Or take sugar in his drinks?

I watched a Secret Eaters episode where a woman ate biscuits everyday with her tea - they said if she cut those out and made no other changes to her lifestyle, she'd lose a stone in a year.

It's often the little things that add up.

Would he use an exercise bike or treadmill at home?

He will be eating crap.

FannyFezziwig, it’s honestly not as simple as saying that if he doesn’t lose weight he must be happy the way he is. I’m overweight (although not obese) with a BMI of 26-27. I would love to lose weight and I try so hard (have done every diet under the sun) but if you have a disordered relationship with food then you tend to self sabotage and eat too much and ruin it all

The mistake most people make is in talking about diets when we’ve tried dieting and it doesn’t work.

I think the vast majority of us know what we should be eating so the question is, why can’t we eat what we need in the amounts we need?

The best thing I ever did was shifting my thinking from what I’m eating to why I’m eating it.

I suspect we’ve all been on diets and thought ‘sod it’ and eaten off plan anyway. Then regretted and fallen off the wagon completely.

There are those who genuinely don’t know how much they’ve eaten or what they are/need to eat, and dieting for those is a good fix. Then there’s the rest of us who know what we should be doing but can’t. We are the ones who are better off thinking about why because all the dieting in the world won’t make for a permanent change or be sustainable.

Similar situation. My DP is a giant of a man at 6'4 and chunky by nature. he has thick arms and legs and gorgeous eyes. He was 15 st hen I met him and 19st now. Big belly too, more stretch marks than me by a long way too. Also 8months PP (cs) and only 12 lbs to go to be back to my original size 10. Its different for men I think, they are less conditioned to worry about their size and more impulsive with food and booze. A few things I'm doing may help you:
1)make his lunch. Healthy filling stuff. (more often than not I send leftovers from deliberately making extra dinner) it helps keep him away from take-aways and snacks. If he says he's not eating much he's in denial like my OH.
2) Invent reasons for exercise as a family, I fake mild depression and insist on long walks with the kids (he thinks he's doing me a favour that way)
3)Keep beers off the shopping list (they are a diet killer) vodka and diet mixer is the tipple for slimming.
4)He might need a kick up the arse regarding health implications so march him along to GP for a lecture.
5)Don't stop having sex just because he's a bit fat, you'll make him feel unloved and depressed and it will make it worse. Refer to pregnancy friendly positions and remember there are calories to be burned this way!
6)See if you can get into a sport together, If you can get some childcare sorted or your local leisure center has a crèche, again pretend its you that wants to do it and you need him for companionship.

Go with him to GP who should put his weight into perspective around the risks. He should then be offered a suitable eating plan. At 30 ish it shouldn’t take too long to make a difference. Maybe get a shared activity/goal eg Great South/North run or get him to join a sports club such as cycling.

Capelin- exactly that. A disordered relationship with food is SO hard to change as it's all the stuff on a psychological basis of why we eat and the drive to eat.

As well as the fact that the body tried to maintain a sense of a "set point" and fights weight loss.

Losing weight can be really really hard. If it was easy or straightforward with a "just follow this" the there wouldn't be an obesity crisis.

Rarely does anyone want to stay big. But changing is unbelievable hard.

I know this is a relationship problem too, but to address the weight loss side of your posts. I have had a weight problem and its very difficult to overcome. Food is a comfort for me and I miss it when dieting. Working long hours and feeling stressed doesn't help. So I really feel for your dh.
I've tried several diets and one I think might suit your husband is the noS diet. nosdiet.com it is a very simple diet and fits in with daily life well. If you look at the website it explains everything and there is a book you can buy and some helpful podcasts on there.

Being a short female I found I have a very low calorie need and I am only moderately active, although I do walk quite a lot. So I actually combine the 5:2 diet (another good diet I have tried but didn't quite suit me on its own as I would often overeat on the 5 non fast days but I didn't want to count calories on them) with this noS diet. Your Dh might not need to do this and could just do simple noS or even 5:2 if he feels up to fasting and being fairly sensible on his non fasting days. If he wants to do that why not look at the horizon documentary on fasting by Dr Michael Mosley on iplayer. There is also a website and quite a few books on 5:2.
Another important thing is lot of people who struggle with their weight will benefit from cutting carbs. On noS you just limit sugar and that can be enough for a lot of people. I didn't get on with strict low carb myself but many people do. That is the basis of the paleo diet you mentioned, I wouldn't call it a crash diet at all its a way of life for many people for health not just to lose weight, but you have to be willing to make big changes in what you eat. I think of it as a healthy eating version of the Atkins diet, it allows a bit more carbs so you can eat a bigger range of fruit and veg and have the odd dessert using natural sweeteners.
The important thing is to find a diet you can stick to long term, both to lose the weight and maintain your weight loss. So even though a diet may be excellent and healthy if you can't stick to it, it's better to do something else.

Is he quite short or small boned? 36-38 doesn’t sound huge to me. It’s certainly not ideal but he doesn’t sound massive. My brother has a 36 inch waist, he’s not fat.

Unless he wears a 36-38 and the belly flops over the pants?

I think he is almost certainly eating stuff that you are not aware of. If this is not the case and he swears it is not the case then he really should go to the doctors to get himself checked out. If his waist is 38 then that is in dangerous territory for a man. Hugely increased risk of heart problems once you get past that level.

It's not as easy as it sounds though. A lot of excessive eating is down to self esteem and depression.

Let's face it we would all like to be millionaires but we know that isn't always achievable.

Actually being a healthy weight and feeling good about ourselves is achievable. It is the one thing that is in everyone's control yet so so many people fail at it. The number of times I hear women saying "I would love to be slim" or "if I could lose 3 stone" well actually you can be/do. However it is much easier said than done.

The problem you have is that you want him to slim down. At the moment, it is coming from you. It has to come from him and you can't make him do this.

It is not unfair to find someone unnatractive physically though. I think in the past my DP has been a bit like yours and it's not actually the weight that has been the biggest turn off for me. It's the lack of willpower to do anything about it. Perceived laziness is very unnatractive.

When I was a 38 waist, I was 17 st 10 and only 5 ft 10. I think you can do the BMI from that and it will give you the answer. Obviously waist alone isn't the only indicator but it gives an idea.

And the average British man is overweight?

I would say a 38 inch waist is fairly big, yes

I think that’s huge & cant be healthy.

Could you get him to exercise? I think working on an 80/20 ratio, 80% food consumed + 20% calories burned through high impact exercise is a good mantra & the two work together.

If he’s say done Spinning for an hour, burnt off 700 calories & is aching & knackered from it & can feel the effort he has put in, he’ll be less inclined to eat rubbish he doesn’t need

Don’t forget a mans waist isn’t measured around his belly, it goes under. So comparing male and female waist sizes isn’t a good comparison.

38 inches isn't all that big, though it is big enough to put him at risk. My DH is 38 inches and he was diagnosed with high cholesterol and was having chest pains. He was advised to get exercise as he has a very sedentary job, so he goes out for a 30 minute walk 3 times a week whilst at work. He's doing a lot better health wise, and actually hasn't had a day off sick in over a year, whereas it used to be 3 times a year, 3 days at a time. (For bad colds, he has asthma.)

One thing that happens with tall men is that when you go out, he gets offered second helpings constantly. And I'm guilty of this myself when we're out for a meal, he finishes my meals, but he does that less now.

Don’t forget a mans waist isn’t measured around his belly, it goes under. So comparing male and female waist sizes isn’t a good comparison

I didn’t know that. I was thinking that fattest bit of him is 38 inches max.

Yes. 38 is deemed to be too large by most medical professionals for me. Risky for men if they carry all their weight there.

Does he drink?

Probably more 38 but the jeans he wears his stomach hangs over so maybe bigger i'm not sure as he's hasn't been measured. He's prob around 17 stone. He is very tall but that makes it worse as most of his weight is on his stomach and it's not flat by no means it's a big stomach. Says online that he's most eat risk of heart attack due to his waist size and he's classed as obese so there's no doubt about that.

No he drinks minimally so it's not acohol

more at risk that should read

WhenSheWasBad I love the user name 😁

I mean that most men don’t wear their trousers round their widest part so when they are wearing a 38 that’s not their biggest waist measurement as much as they’d say it was their waist measurement. I hope that makes sense.

Thanks everyone, I'm going to encourage him to exercise more. It's difficult as he doesn't get much time. I agree with what one pp said, he always gets offered good and people says oh your dh will eat it. It gets on my nerves.

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