To not find DH sexually attractive anymore?

[Zara86]

Hi, I love DH very much and have always found him attractive. He was slim when we met and a good few years ago he put on alot of weight. I have always seen past the weight as realise there's more to somebody and I love him. However lately I'm struggling to want sex because of his big stomach. It gets in the way and crushes me and I find the whole experience awkward. I feel really upset and guilty for even posting this.
DH is well aware he needs to lose weight and doesn't like looking this way, he goes to the gym on lunchtimes sometimes when time but his job is very sedentary. He doesn't eat half the amount you'd expect to be this big and doesn't drink heavily. I think it's genetics and it'll take him a lot of work to lose. I'm not bothered about abit of a stomach, I'm not perfect myself but this is a big stomach that hangs right over and you see through all of his clothes. He is too nice too spoil and no matter how I try I don't like to see him naked now. I had a baby 8 months ago and have lost me baby weight and got my stomach flatish and I don't understand why I can do that and he can't without having to give birth. Our bodies all change over time but this is a weight issue and not down to age. I really want to find him attractive again and want sex again.

I'm also worried about DH's health as men over 30 with big bellies can have an increased risk of heart attack. He's a 36-38 waist.

Is anybody else in a similar situation?

Dh was 32 waist when I met him (we met Young) and 34 first half of his 20's then gradually increased. I told him if he could get back to 34 again and out of the heart attack 'danger zone' it would be better for his health. It worries me more because we have a baby. It also upset me because he was telling his colleagues at work that he used to be really slim and they said they couldn't believe it and couldn't imagine him slim. I feel that dh is depressed with low self esteem because of his weight. I want so much to help him and feel I'm nagging and I don't want to nag as that's not who I want to be. I keep telling him how handsome he is and how much I love him and I list all of his positive traits and just say I want him to lose weight for his health and for our baby but for himself first.

Peanutbuttercheese Nothing really was different around the time dh put the weight on (oh you might have hit something actually.) i'm just thinking a close relative died and I'm wondering if that coincided. Dh is now estranged from the rest of his close family as he received psychological abuse growing up and only come to the realisation of the extent of that in the last year since our baby was born. He has had therapy for that though and is doing better.

He honestly doesn't eat that much. We both eat the same and I don't have a weight problem and he does; I can only put it down to genetics.

OP, unless you can point to the groundbreaking scientific research which says his weight is down to his genes, and can pinpoint why these obesity genes suddenly, miraculously kicked in during recent years but didn't kick in before... come on, you know this isn't true. It's not genetics.

He is eating differently to you and not physically using up the calories. He is simply putting more in than his body is using up. You are not.

He will slim if he reverses this. He needs to eat less and/or exercise more. It's that simple. I am really sorry you are in this position as it's an aching feeling to not find your partner attractive any more. Many many years ago I felt this about a partner who through getting fatter and less caring about how he looked and other things too just became a walking turn-off.

So, really not nice position for you. But he is in his 30s and there is no excuse for him not being healthy and fit.

Maybe your husband would consider asking his employees for a stand up desk. I use one and it is so much better than being sat down all day. You can move it up and down so you do have the option of sitting.
If he doesnt want to go the the gym at lunchtime perhaps he just finds it boring, maybe he needs to find an exercise he loves.
My DH and I joined a crossfit gym 3 years ago, we are both in our early 50's and we love it. DH has reduced his size from 36 to 32 and he is very healthy.
Good luck it is very hard.

Dh is now estranged from the rest of his close family as he received psychological abuse growing up and only come to the realisation of the extent of that in the last year since our baby was born. He has had therapy for that though and is doing better.

therapy is great but if he has had sustained (years worth) of psychological abuse its likely to take a chunk more of therapy to deal with it.

Its like the onion analogy. His first bout of therapy will probably have dealt with the top layer of abuse leaving the second layer that he's probably had buried for a while, exposed and out in the open.

He needs to continue the therapy as each layer is exposed. childhood abuse often takes a year or so of therapy to deal with not the standard NHS 12weeks block :(

the overeating - he is overeating - can be a symptom of not dealing with the abuse especially if the abuse was around his weight, appearance etc. its another way of burying it.

Thanks for your kind responses. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this as I really do love him so much. I would never tell him I'm not attracted to him anymore as i would never be so cruel and I wouldn't want to hurt him for the world. I agree maybe I was in denial but he must be eating more than I realise. He does go to the gym at lunch time when he gets the chance. and it's not that he doesn't want to go it's more he has meetings and a demanding job so his work is always getting in the way. He always looks tired too. Even at my midwife appt after having our baby the midwife was more interested in DH's health as said I looked well and he looked pale and poor. That hit me like a ton of bricks. He does look tired and unhealthy.

Thanks roomsonfire, the therapy seemed to really help dh and they gave him acouple extra sessions and then discharged him. It wasn't a set block but more he saw somebody one to one until they deemed him well enough for discharge. The abuse wasn't around his weight or appearance. He was always thin during childhood as well. It was more belittling him making him feel he wasn't good enough (worse probably.)

If he eats the same as me when how isn't he losing weight?
Men and women's bodies store fat in different ways.
It also depends on our personal genetics and diet/exercise.

Even if he is careful about what he eats, a sedentary job/lifestyle will still give him belly fat because the stomach muscles lose their strength/taughtness and start to sag.

He has wanted to lose weight for years now but it isn't happening.....It seems he loses a couple pounds, gets far too excited about it than put it back on
He lacks self discipline and needs to start taking his health more seriously.
He needs to make time for exercise - he can do this before work, after work or weekends but he needs to stick to a routine.
Even when he's lost the weight he needs to continue eating healthy and exercising in order to maintain that weight loss.

I make healthy meals and support him in what ever way I can
He needs to take personal responsibility for his health - where exactly is his input regards his diet, food prep etc?

Tell him to do some research on the cause behind his belly fat -
www.curejoy.com/content/determine-belly-fat-type-ways-melt/

I'd also be very frank with him re the loss of sexual attraction - it might just motivate him enough to start taking this seriously.
If it was due to some diagnosed medical condition etc then it would be a different matter, but this is just down to pure laziness and you need to stop making excuses and doing the thinking for him.

I've been overweight ever since having our children, and love him DH has never once said to me I needed to lose weight but in a way, I wish he had. It was only when I was diagnosed with raised BP and type 2 diabetes that I started to take responsibility for myself and have lost nearly 4 stone through diet and exercise. A Fitbit would make a good Christmas gift, I average out around 15k a day now but was doing around 2k when I got one . It's a good indicator of his exercise levels. And just make sure you have no junk food in at home, so at least you know he's eating better at weekends etc. There's that saying though about you can lead a horse to water and all that...... this has to come from him, sadly.

HeebieJeebies456 Thanks for your information, it's very helpful and you make very valid points. I guess I'm alittle softer with dh because he's been through a very tough time lately and throughout his life. I do realise this isn't an excuse though. I'll check out the links thank you. I think he does know there's something wrong with the sexual side of things as he has said odd things before but I don't admit it. I would hurt him if i did.

It's not pure laziness when it stems from psychological/childhood issues.

Would you call an anorexic lazy for not eating?

I'm amazed that some people are saying 38 inch waist isn't big? DH is a 30 inch waist - although I admit, he is skinny around the middle. But that's an 8 inch difference!!

OP, I feel exactly the same about my husband. He is very overweight and is a funny shape so that he has big moobs and stomach, but small bottom and legs. He lost 2 stone last year and was starting to look and feel much better, but has put most of that back on.
At his current weight, his stomach actually hangs below his t shirts which is such a huge turn off.
I feel terrible, because if men have a problem with their wives putting weight on they are always flamed for being shallow, so it shouldn’t be any different, but I am really struggling with the sexual side of our relationship.
When we have sex, his moobs and stomach actually dangle over me - it’s not great.
It’s made much worse as he wants sex all the time. I told him a while ago that I was struggling with it and why, but beyond last years effort nothing has changed.
I have to work hard to stay the right side of chubby, and it does irritate me that he can’t make the same effort.
Not sure what the answer is - our situation is similar to yours in that ours is a happy marriage in all other respects!

Yes dh isn't a lazy man, he does a lot, he works long hours and he works hard. He'll think nothing of running errands after work and never complains. He's not the most active either mind and likes to play on his PlayStation but he's far from lazy.

I'm in a similar situation with loving but not fancying dh. He is overweight but he does go to the gym most mornings to play squash so he is active. He was diagnosed with an interactive thyroid and given tablets which I had hoped would mean the weight would drop off, but it hasn't. He does eat rubbish though which doesn't help, I rarely cook for him in the evenings as he doesn't like what the rest of us do, or used to moan even when it was something he liked.

Underactive not interactive!

You have to bring his head on board with weight loss and the rest will follow. I gained weight after being very slim most of my life after having twins. I wanted my dh to love me anyway but he didnt. He would make comments like let’s join a gym but to be honest they made me annoyed and upset. I knew he wasn’t happy though and neither was I. I think the turning point came after being so annoyed at one of dh meaner comments that I thought right watch this. I bought a Fitbit and joined fitness pal you can both link your accounts with each other so it can be a couple thing. Then once I started getting into that and was feeling more confident then I joined a gym and have lost the weight and feeling better. As a family we are much more active too. Start with the Fitbit and myfitnesspal and incorporate more walking as a family maybe badminton cycling etc. It would be a gentle mood improving way to get him back on track

Got to say though that food is what makes the weight come off exercise is only 20% of the battle

As in eat less kcal lower carb keeps you fuller longer

WrigglyNativity that's exactly my dh too. He also wants sex all of the time and I never do because it awkward and i don't like the feel of his stomach hanging down. I know I feel I worry more about what I look like than he does. He will think nothing of standing naked in front of me where as if I have gained a couple of pounds I'm more self conscious. And like you it's happy in all other areas.
When we were younger we used to have an amazing sex life and dh thinks we should have that now. I say it's because of the baby but it's not it's his weight and I'm lying. I feel awful and so guilty and shallow.

I'm even losing weight myself in the hopes it'll encourage dh. We can't do activities as a family other than walking as our baby is only 8 months old.

so what does he say he eats at a work? is it a canteen? If not can you not encourage him by making you both healthy lunches for him to take to work, then you know hes eating those and not having anything unhealthy but saying he isnt?? There must be some calories going in somewhere -despite what hes saying - to keep the weight on?

If hes going to the gym at lunch is he then coming out and grabbing something unhealthy (and shop bought sandwiches are NOT healthy!) and this is then in fact making the gym trips pointless?

It also upsets me because he said people at his work see pictures of me and don't believe hes with me. I say don't be silly they're just saying that it's just a better picture. They he'll say no everybody thinks I'm punching above my weight. This hurts me because I'm punching above my weight with him as he's the most amazing person I've ever met. I want him to slim down so he feels better and his health improves and nobody makes those stupid comments.

Then

shoeaddict83 I so make his lunch sometimes but I also make all my babies baby food from scratch so it a lot. Dh isn't a cook so it's all on me but I do where I can. Some days we take responsibility for our own lunches but we are adults. There's no canteen so he tends to eat jacket potato with beans or rice and beans, micro steam meals. He's been having low calorie lunches. I can only think he's eating other. things that people being on around the office: