To not find DH sexually attractive anymore?

[Zara86]

Hi, I love DH very much and have always found him attractive. He was slim when we met and a good few years ago he put on alot of weight. I have always seen past the weight as realise there's more to somebody and I love him. However lately I'm struggling to want sex because of his big stomach. It gets in the way and crushes me and I find the whole experience awkward. I feel really upset and guilty for even posting this.
DH is well aware he needs to lose weight and doesn't like looking this way, he goes to the gym on lunchtimes sometimes when time but his job is very sedentary. He doesn't eat half the amount you'd expect to be this big and doesn't drink heavily. I think it's genetics and it'll take him a lot of work to lose. I'm not bothered about abit of a stomach, I'm not perfect myself but this is a big stomach that hangs right over and you see through all of his clothes. He is too nice too spoil and no matter how I try I don't like to see him naked now. I had a baby 8 months ago and have lost me baby weight and got my stomach flatish and I don't understand why I can do that and he can't without having to give birth. Our bodies all change over time but this is a weight issue and not down to age. I really want to find him attractive again and want sex again.

I'm also worried about DH's health as men over 30 with big bellies can have an increased risk of heart attack. He's a 36-38 waist.

Is anybody else in a similar situation?

A natural sugar from fruit is still sugar and you wouldn't naturallytake in the sugar from all pieces of fruit plus juice that you might use in a smoothie. However you can make lower carb smoothie where the fruit is balanced with some fat and protein.

Is he the sensitive type because as a bloke, I wouldn't mind if my DW said something to me about this. Perhaps your fear of having the discussion is your projection of how you would feel if he said it to you.

Blokes take the piss out of each other all the time about this. We are maybe not as sensitive in general about it.

I don't know I have mentioned things to him about his health and weight and he hasn't got upset or took offence. I think it's just the physical attraction thing I don't like to admit. I also know he's been through a lot and don't want to hurt him. I know you said men make digs about each other and weight all the time but I don't agree they all take it on the chin. I think it can affect some people and don't think you need to be overly sensitive for the either mankini.

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Smoothies are fine if the whole fruit is used - the fibre in the fruit helps the body process the sugar. That's why smoothies are good and fruit juice isn't as there you're getting the sugar without the fibre. Sugar is a massive culprit for weight gain, far more important than calories actually as all calories are not equal - calories from sugar trigger the body to react differently. Cutting out sugar and much as possible is what really helps, which is tricky as a lot of the processed foods marked "diet" still have very high sugar levels but people think they're healthy. I'd recommend the documentary "Fed Up" which covers all of this and is a big eye opener - calories in and out is massively oversimplified.

Having said all that, I'm slightly aghast that people are adamant he must be lying about his food intake. One of the main factors in weight loss and gain is hormones. I've been on a lot of hormone treatments over the years - on some I've gained several stone, on others I've lost many more, with no changes anywhere else. Hormone levels change for a whole host of reasons as we get older anyway.

If his weight seemingly doesn't match his diet, I'd be asking him to see the doctor. Men can have thyroid issues too - weight gain and depression are common symptoms, maybe have a look at the others and see if any are familiar. Looking at his hormone levels would also be a good idea. Perhaps bringing this up will encourage him to tell you if he is in fact eating more than he lets on, but that's not necessarily the case.

I agree with Smeaton. A lot of men don't show their feelings and it can hurt them underneath. I think a lot expect men to put up with far too much and put on this tough exterior all of the time. We're all human with feelings and there's nothing wrong with that.

Thanks Tammy Dh has had his thyroid checked and it was fine. He keeps saying a lot of it is bloatation but he is actually at the gym now so hopefully he's on the right track.

Paleo is not a crash diet. It's a lifestyle. It's clean eating without going hungry but giving up dairy , wheat and white sugar . I felt really good on it and lost weight slowly but surely.

I have this problem. Met 5 years ago when he was slim with active job. Now he has desk job with canteen that sells mostly chips and beans.

If he mentions his weight I am honest enough to say yes I can see he's gained but I can't bring myself to tell him the reason we have sex once a month now is because I don't really fancy him anymore.

It does frustrate me because I have been slim all my life but when I noticed I was gaining I looked at my diet made a few tweaks and lost 10 pounds. I don't understand why he can't do the same, although I know logically there is more to our food relationships than that.

Every time he brings it up I am full of ideas to get us to be healthier and have supported him £££ wise with it through requested presents and with emotional support but it's like he doesn't care.

I don't have the ties you do of marriage and a baby but we are speaking of buying a house together. I care about him a lot and would like to buy a house but I am reluctant to tie myself to someone who I don't fancy. But I'm also reluctant to leave over something so shallow when as a whole our relationship is good. So I am stuck in limbo for now, I suspect until one of us decides they are sick of renting and we have to have a frank conversation at which point I either accept his weight or we are done.

If your H really thinks his diet is good but logic says otherwise I would tell him to use my fitness pal and log his calories for a week. I did this and realised a things like one glass of wine being 250 calories!

I feel like if he realised it was affecting our sex life he might get his arse in gear but on the other hand I know it would crush him to know and you can't take that back.

The sad thing is I think he is now resigned to it and he has been large longer than slim in our relationship now so I'm not sure what I could really do until he wants to make the change for himself.

Can a person's size really be the only reason you find him unattractive? This is a depressing situation. Have we all become so shallow? Being overweight isn't healthy but if a person is active and not existing solely on junk food, why can't they just get on with their lives without having to conform to society's (or the advertising people's) unrealistic norms?

^^this x100
There should be much more to a relationship than just physical attraction. i knowing I'm going to get flamed for saying this but, if this thread had been started by a woman who said her husband didn't fancy her anymore because she'd gained weight and he'd managed to stay slim the responses on here would have been a lot different.

SinisterBum... actually they wouldn't and are not if you look at the stories on here if reverse situations. A lot of the time the same advise is given. Men or Women. Physical attraction is the main reason we are attracted to someone. If that goes we can be in trouble.

He doesn't need smoothies, they are just liquidised sugar.

He needs more protein, more veg, fewer crap carbs.

3 egg omelette with ham, spinach and cheese for brekkie.
Soup and sandwiches for lunch.

Fruit /nuts/ cheese as a snack.

Homemade stews, casserole, curry, meat and two veg for dinner. Less pasta, rice, noodles, white bread.

Less alcohol and white sugar.

If he's hungry he needs to snack on hard boiled eggs, peanut butter rice cakes, veg and hummus.

Lots of water.

Janetjanetjanet

Agreed with your post except this line:
He doesn't need smoothies, they are just liquidised sugar.

Fruit juices are liquidised sugar. My smoothies are full of green vegetables, one piece of fruit, protein powder and nuts.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all of the advice. You have all been very helpful

Hi Zara, I'd just tell him straight in the New Year.Just say you are very concerned for his health and that his stomach is crushing you when you have sex and thats why you dont want to sleep with him.Say you want to support him with losing weight and that he needs to think about how hes going to do this, like going to Slimming World, weight watchers, the Nurse at the Drs whatever.
Also if hes drinking fizzy pop, full sugar or diet then he needs to stop as well as drinking alcohol.

No problem. Does he have bowel issues? Bloating can be really severe (I had adhesions on my bowel before a surgery and any time I ate my stomach swelled up like you wouldn't believe). Peppermint tea / peppermint oil capsules are very good for bloating, might be worth a try.

And if he's the sort who will watch a documentary get hold of Fed Up - it's really entertaining and easy to watch, full of mind boggling information about the food and diet industries, and the kind of thing that really makes you think "right, I need to do something about all this sugar". Maybe you could innocently recommend it one night and see how he responds.

By the way, hypothyroidism is notoriously difficult to diagnose - it can be causing you problems for years and years before your levels reach the point where treatment is given. So even though he's been told his levels are "normal", than doesn't necessarily mean his thyroid is working correctly. Even a slight reduction in thyroid function can cause symptoms. Thyroid UK has an excellent symptom checklist that's very thorough - maybe have a look at that and see if other things fit. If they do, he needs to keep on at his GP to test him and find out what the results actually are (for example, most people with hypothyroidism need their TSH level to be below 2.0 to be well, but in this country your level has to reach 10.0 before they'll actually diagnose you. So many people suffering unnecessarily but that's another thread!)

Im still a stone heavier than I was before I had my twins 15 months ago and my stomach is a mess after so much stretching and a rushed emergency section. It's always going to hang because of the skin stretching and scar placement, and that's just how it is unless I can afford surgery which I wouldn't really want. Fortunately my husband doesn't give any kind of a crap about that or my increased weight - he's bigger than when we met too and it doesn't stop me finding him attractive because that's not really much to do with his body to me. I can understand though that this may only be true up to a certain point. I do think that attraction is not just chemical but also in your mindset in my experience. Once you start on the narrative that you do or don't find someone attractive, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy to an extent. Obviously this weight isn't going to vanish overnight whatever he does so while he may need to work on losing some weight, it might help you if you focus on all those things that you do find attractive about him - different sexual positions where his weight isn't on top of you may also help!

I was going to suggest the different positions initially but I suppose if the attraction isn't there it's hard to get yourself in the zone!

He needs to be careful of smoothies. Although they are a vitamin and mineral boost, if made just with fruit they give a massive hit of fructose, which in itself is obesogenic due to the way the body metabolises it differently to glucose. Think about when most fruit is in season...in the autumn, when animals need to put on weight to see them through the winter! Sure, fruit is "healthy" because of the micronutrients, but it's also an ideal way to fatten up. This is why Public Health England suggest limiting fruit and eating more veg instead. Another issue with smoothies is that they can also have a fairly high glycaemic load due to the lack of fibre if the fruit is juiced and the pulp removed. This is bad because with this big sugar hit comes insulin, and insulin is what drives the storage of fat. So fructose (the natural sugar found in fruit) is a double whammy. But juicing up veg and adding a bit of fruit for sweetness plus adding some of the pulp back in is better. Better still, eat the whole fruit.

YANBU to not fancy him and not want sex. I really wish it wasn't seen as shallow to think that way, because finding someone physically sexually attractive is different to finding them emotionally attractive, and not fancying them doesn't mean not loving them. Personally I find moobs and massive guts not only visually repulsive but physically uncomfortable, and why shouldn't I? Humans are not supposed to be fat and we are hard wired to find certain attributes appealing and certain ones unappealing.

OP, I can understand you don't want to hurt his feelings, but lying to him and blaming the baby for your lack of sexual interest isn't helping your relationship. Could you not say that you feel a but squashed by him when having sex due to his weight, and that's putting you off? Then at least you're telling him what the problem is without saying you don't like the look of him.

Try a low carb diet. So cut back on bread, potatoes, rice, also sweet fruit, so smoothies are out. But blueberries, rasps, strawbs aren't so bad.
Unsweetened yoghurt ok, I have big plates of home made soup with loads of veg. Meat, eggs, veg. I do have a bit of chocolate or similar after a meal for my sweet tooth.
I don't really limit amounts of food so am not feeling starved.Bloating has reduced.

Thanks everybody for your comments. Thanks Tammy I'll check that out; very helpful. I agree WhatALoadOfOldBollocks as I do find dh attractive in every other way and we do have a connection still. It's just the physical side of things that is suffering .
When DH got home from work last night he said he'd been to the gym and he'd had his hair cut which I liked as he's taking pride in appearance abit more which he hasn't been lately. He also had nicer clothes on and looked abit smarter. I'm wondering if a lot of his depression, weight and lack lustre attitude has all been down to his abusive family and now they're estranged and he's completed his therapy and things have calmed down he's maybe starting to come out of the other side fingers crossed, he also seems excited for Christmas and some time off with me and our baby. I had a talk with him last night and we've agreed that we're both going to start a healthy eating plan in the new year together; I told him I would eat the same as him and support him where ever possible. He said its a shame as he has loads of old clothes he'd like to get back in and doesn't want to buy new ones in his current size. We've agreed to have Christmas and a couple of treats but we're not going crazy and then start the eating plan in the new year Paleo style.
I didn't tell him I wasn't attracted physically at the moment as didn't think I needed to and it wouldn't hurt him; you can't take that back. I took it from the angle that with the weight loss our sex life would naturally improve as we'd both be fitted and we'd feel better about ourselves and enjoy things better.
Thanks again for all of your comments. I'm really appreciative and overwhelmed at how lovely you've all been. Can always rely on MN, have a lovely Christmas everybody x

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