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Original poster

To not find DH sexually attractive anymore?

128 replies

Zara86 · 21/12/2017 07:39

Hi, I love DH very much and have always found him attractive. He was slim when we met and a good few years ago he put on alot of weight. I have always seen past the weight as realise there's more to somebody and I love him. However lately I'm struggling to want sex because of his big stomach. It gets in the way and crushes me and I find the whole experience awkward. I feel really upset and guilty for even posting this.
DH is well aware he needs to lose weight and doesn't like looking this way, he goes to the gym on lunchtimes sometimes when time but his job is very sedentary. He doesn't eat half the amount you'd expect to be this big and doesn't drink heavily. I think it's genetics and it'll take him a lot of work to lose. I'm not bothered about abit of a stomach, I'm not perfect myself but this is a big stomach that hangs right over and you see through all of his clothes. He is too nice too spoil and no matter how I try I don't like to see him naked now. I had a baby 8 months ago and have lost me baby weight and got my stomach flatish and I don't understand why I can do that and he can't without having to give birth. Our bodies all change over time but this is a weight issue and not down to age. I really want to find him attractive again and want sex again.

I'm also worried about DH's health as men over 30 with big bellies can have an increased risk of heart attack. He's a 36-38 waist.

Is anybody else in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 10:51

bring in

OP posts:
BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 21/12/2017 10:56

If you have not said anything to him surely he just thinks you find him attractive the way he is? if he knew it was making you unhappy it may give him the kick start he needs to get going, you obviously adore your husband, he knows this, and will also know what you say is coming from a place of kindness, but you do need to say something otherwise this will continue for years and at some point you may not feel so loving towards him, “cruel”to be kind in the short term would help your relationship long term.

Flossie4 · 21/12/2017 10:57

Can a person's size really be the only reason you find him unattractive? This is a depressing situation. Have we all become so shallow? Being overweight isn't healthy but if a person is active and not existing solely on junk food, why can't they just get on with their lives without having to conform to society's (or the advertising people's) unrealistic norms?

I have gone off having sex with my partner. I just don't fancy him in that way any more and it happens. I love him, respect him, am proud of him but he doesn't turn me on any more. Many of us don't need to be shagging frequently to be content. Once in a while is fine for us. Horses for courses. Some people need that intimacy. Many of us after the early flames of lust have died are content with a cuddle and the closeness and intimacy of conversation, laughter, shared activities, shared children and family and a bonk if it happens.

Is weight the only issue? Are we condemned to being slim, active and on top form constantly to be worth bothering with? It's an ideal but not one we can all maintain. We condemn men if they state they only fancy women of a certain shape. I suppose it's only fair that men should also have to shape up (literally) as it's been on the female agenda for so long

ColonelJackONeil · 21/12/2017 11:01

Yes it doesn't take much extra to slowly gain weight. A few biscuits, the odd chocolate bar and maybe a latte. In offices they are notorious for bringing in cakes for every little excuse. This sort of thing might not seem much at the time, but if its all extra to his maintenance calories needs it adds up.
But it's hard to cut those little treats out sometimes you feel they are what's making a long, hard day at work bearable.
My feeling is that the key is getting into good habits. It's hard at first but if you never snack its easier than if you sometimes do. There's less thought involved. If you sometimes allow yourself a biscuit you have to make a new decision every time there's biscuits on offer. But if it's always no to biscuits it's simple and you do get used to it.

Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:01

Pp do you think it's okay to be overweight even when it's affecting health though? I could cope with the attraction thing on its own but not risk to DH's health as well no i can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:02

Floss_

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:03

And Flossie the point you made about sex doesn't apply to me and my dh. Dh is the one that wants it all of the time. If he didn't maybe it wouldn't matter so much.

OP posts:
iammeegan · 21/12/2017 11:04

Do you think he is depressed? It can make you sluggish and tired. It might not related to his weight but the weight might be there because of the depression.

If he isn't bothered by his appearance and is tired a lot it can be classic signs of depression. Maybe a trip to the doctor and possibly some antidepressants might lift his mood and he may be more motivated to get moving more. Obviously exercise will help as well but understand the lack of time to do this. Is it possible for him to walk or cycle to work? Or for you to drop him a mile from work and him walk from there and at least he will be getting 20 minutes a day.

Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:07

Thanks ColonelJackONeil I really agree with that. I do think we can i underestimate little treats and think oh it was only one biscuit etc. I bet this is what's at play, i have a feeling it is. It so difficult at the best of times but especially at this time of year I suppose. I have spoken to dh about us not going crazy with the earring over Christmas and hopefully next year dh will be committed to improving things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:13

iammeegan Oh he's been depressed no doubt but he's been a lot happier lately now his abusive relatives are out of his life. He does get stressed but won't take tablets and doesn't agree with side affects and likelihood of becoming dependent and needing to upt dose (a vicious circular so or speak) . It's been a very rough year for both of us to be honest. His work is too far away to walk or cycle unfortunately and I'm unable to drop him half way. Once baby gets a little older I think things will get abit easier as we have no support or help but that's a whole new thread. Next year hopefully things will be a lot better and I'm going to introduce a new diet plan and do it with him and hopefully he'll be up for it.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 21/12/2017 11:13

I think he definitely has to deal with the issues from his childhood, which is holding him back from losing weight, otherwise even if he does manage it he'll put it back on again.

Also get him to the GP and go with him to make sure he gets there. A reality check is what your DH needs, to make him understand that he needs to find a way to deal with things.

Thanks Best of luck

Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:13

effects that should say

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:14

And circle

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Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:16

Thanks Lizzie48 but dh has already addressed his childhood issues and had extensive therapy for it. It was all this year though and it did help him a lot. Hopefully things will improve soon..

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iammeegan · 21/12/2017 11:24

Zara you sound very supporting and loving to your dh. Obviously while things are so mad and the little one is so young it might be best just to try and help him not gain anymore weight. When things are better then you Can address the weight loss.
Maybe try incorporating smoothies into his diet to give him a good vitamin boost, make sure he's drinking plenty of water, maybe get him a fancy water bottle and a smoothie maker for Christmas.

I really hope you have a better year next year, get Christmas out of the way first and then have a plan ready and waiting Thanks

Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:25

Thanks BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo. I do absolutely adore DH he is my soulmate and I've been with him through thick and thin and now we have our beautiful baby. The physical attraction is one thing but the health risks are what I can't stand. I also know if he lost weight he'd feel better in himself and I can tell it gets him down. I have mentioned to him in the nicest way that losing weight will help him and he says he's trying to lose weight and will go to the gym more. I haven't mentioned attraction or anything though but he may know deep down

OP posts:
Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:28

iammeegan Thank you for your kind words. He actually loves his smoothies and we have a blender but we don't have a decent smoothie fancy cup thingy so I'll look for one for Christmas for him. Great idea Smile as you said maybe just to ensure no weight gain and next year might be easier to work on weight loss as we both have had a lot of stress and sleep deprivation this year...

OP posts:
iammeegan · 21/12/2017 11:32

Also have you tried something like charcoal tablets, they've really help me when I feel bloated or sluggish, I usually notice a difference overnight

Smurfy23 · 21/12/2017 11:33

DH was like this too- his weight had gradually piled on, he was a risk of getting diabetes and was really down about it. We joined slimming world together- on the guise of him doing it to help and support me to lose my baby weight. The weight has literally fallen off him- its a lot easier for men by all accounts.

Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:34

No I haven't but that's interesting because dh has been saying he thinks he has a big problem with being bloated. He says he thinks he has a reaction to carbs and needs to eat more protein. So maybe he's on to something there. I'll tell him about them, thank you for the tip Xmas Smile

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/12/2017 11:35

Aren’t smoothies full of sugar though?

ColonelJackONeil · 21/12/2017 11:37

What I try to do at Christmas is have some luxury food that is still good for you. Things like smoked salmon and prawns, top quality meat, posh fruit and so on. Things we normally can't afford. We do have cakes and mince pies too but I try to make it having the same amount of better quality food, rather than having loads of extras.

Original poster
Zara86 · 21/12/2017 11:37

Natural sugar with the fruit? Is that bad?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 21/12/2017 11:39

That's great, Zara86. In that case, it's time to focus on the weight definitely. As he was able to put himself through the therapy, he's more than capable of achieving it. I agree with one PP, who has suggested Slimming World. And yes, you could go together. Or maybe with a friend, I've found that helpful in the past?

iammeegan · 21/12/2017 11:44

They do have sugars but as long as his other sugar intake is low it shouldn't be to bad. It's more to get as many nutrients in him as possible. By the way you described how he looked it sounds like he could do with a good boost. I wouldn't bother with shop bought ones, do your own at home and you know exactly what is going in then