Am I having an EA? Head’s a mess. Pls help!

[XmasGuilt]

Oh crikey. I can’t believe I’m finally plucking up the courage to write this. Am so scared of DH finding this. And scared of getting flamed. And scared of opening up a Pandora’s box.

Been with DH 13yrs, married 10. 2 DC’s (under 7). Have been faithful the entire time despite the r’ship always being lacking in physical intimacy/sex (twice a year on average). I loved sex and was v experienced/experimental before we met, whereas my DH has always seemed quite repressed and awkward about sex, and has rarely initiated contact. For instance, on honeymoon it took us a good couple of weeks to consummate our marriage.

He’s a good man. Decent. Funny, a good friend who’s always been supportive of my decisions/career/finances etc. He’s the main wage-earner and pays the full mortgage/council tax (I pay utilities/childcare/food shopping etc).

There have been years upon years of me feeling entirely shut-down sexually, no libido left at all, no sensation or urges. At first I felt mystified, hurt, then fat & unattractive (overheard him talking about my weight once and he was unapologetic, maintaining that he couldn’t be expected to fancy me as I was 2 stone heavier than when we got together). I thought about leaving but rationalised that we’re ‘soul mates’ etc and wasn’t brave enough.

Then as my own libido dwindled away to zero I attributed it to medication/tiredness/normal life with young kids. So the lack of sex hasn’t at all been a problem for me the past 5yrs. Happy just co-parenting, keeping up appearance/illusion of a normal marriage. Happy together mostly although chronic health probs and some other problems have been hard to deal with and caused tensions which flare up regularly.

I do 100% of DIY, planning, organising, thinking. Increasingly i see men who are capable in these domains AND have libidos too, and feel so sad & envious.

Skip to recently and I recruited a new assistant/work partner. From the first day it was evident we had a bizarre bond, with an identical background/sense of humour/tastes etc. We immediately developed a raft of in-jokes and short-hands, almost our own language at work. We work incredibly closely as a team of two (within a larger overall org) and spend lots of time having meetings together in coffee shops/our cars etc. He steals food off my plate and vice versa. last weekend we very drunkenly kissed at our work Xmas do. It was completely wonderful. We were v couply all night, and HE pursued ME all night (felt incredible!). It really felt for one crazy, giddy, amazing night that I was part of a fun, physical, loving and exciting couple.

I obviously felt mortified and horrified the next morning, but if I’m honest I also feel something close to ELATION! We’ve been endlessly, constantly messaging on soc media ever since. Most of it v innocent and bantery. Some of it chatting about what happened. Some of it v complimentary (tonight he sent me a message saying “I still think you’re awesome”). Although we agree it was a mistake and shouldn’t be repeated it still seems we’re being covert (we have agreed to delete our chat threads after each time we’ve talked) and I’ve been like a stupid, awful, love-struck teenager slinking off from my DH and kids at all hours to feverishly check his messages. I feel sick, giddy, butterflies, weak, can’t eat... I’m so pathetic about it all.

I’m so confused about my marriage. Obvs I’m not remotely thinking I could end my marriage for my colleague (he is younger, different life-stage, in a r’ship etc) BUT I feel like I’ve had a MASSIVE re-awakening and can’t imagine a life without sexual attraction anymore. Now my DCs are slightly older I’m starting to rediscover ‘me’ again. Also my career is suddenly looking a bit better, and my self-esteem is riding after loosing weight lately. I think I’m starting to wake up but I’m scared of what I’m waking up to.

This is so dizzying. I’m going round in circles, frantic. All I can think of is my colleague and how he made me feel.

But I’ve spent my life vowing I’d never, EVER, break my children’s family unit up. I imagine it would be the end of the world for my poor, poor little DCs, and I could only do that to them if my DH had been violent/had an affair etc. I’ve fantasised for years about him leaving me so I’d have a legitimate way out.

Fuck. Sorry that was so long. Thank you to anyone who’s made it this far

Why on earth did you marry someone with who you were so sexually imcompatible?!

OK you've basically got two routes
1: Go to your DH and say "I can't live with someone who doesn't see me as sexually desirable, so toodle pip"
2: Shag the hell out of the other guy, be home to fulfill your parental obligations, don't ask, don't tell.

1. Tell your DH "A

Your not happy, your DH isn't happy. Either make an effort, both get invested in having a happy, loving sexually fulfilling marriage or leave. Yes it will be hard and yes your DC will be a little bruised initially from the split - but time heals and that's better than the damage that could be done by "staying together for the children" good luck OP, if your attracted to someone who isn't your DH - it's not a good sign !

What you're describing with your DH isn't a marriage. You're obviously no longer invested in the marriage. Have you spoken to him about your different libidos? Surely it won't come as a surprise to him that you're not satisfied.

I’m starting thinking tonight that I might try and drag the courage together to consider thinking about ending things in my marriage at some point after xmas. But I’m so scared and haven’t a clue about what this might mean.

Where would I live? I couldn’t ask my DH to leave his own home and i know he wouldn’t agree to go anyway. But I’ve done 100% of everything on this house (I handled all the purchase, decorating, diy, renovated garden etc all single-handedly whilst he sat reading his book). It’s very modest/needs work but it’s all stuff I’ve chosen and I’ve worked so hard on it single-handedly. Even if I could stay here with the kids how would I afford the mortgage?

I’m so clueless and lost. I don’t want to seem grabby and mercenary discussing such shallow things when contemplating whether to split up or not, but the unknowns around it all fill me with utter terror and are holding me back from making any decisions.

I have no words of advice but I really, really feel deep sympathy for you. My marriage is similar to yours, and its a lonely place to be.

I’d be the ‘bad guy’ if I ended things without a proper reason. He’ll hate me. The kids would hate me. I’d hate me. I’d ruin our lives. And we rub-along fairly well in our little familiar unit. I honestly am terrified of making a mistake, but I don’t know which option the mistake would be.

My mind is hopelessly muddied by my colleague. I really don’t know why he thinks of me but I’m becoming obsessed. I feel like I’m dying because I’ve not heard from him in 4 hours. God I’ve taken total leave of my senses .

Have you looked at www.sortingoutseparation.org.uk ? It's not grabby, it's practical, and having that kind of knowledge will help you to make a clearer plan.

GothMummy- oh thank you so, so much for your kind words. And I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar boat . I’ve been judging myself so harshly and thought I’d get flamed on here, so your message is a comfort.

GothMummy- oh thank you so, so much for your kind words. And I’m sorry to hear you’re in a similar boat . I’ve been judging myself so harshly and thought I’d get flamed on here, so your message is a comfort.

A marriage with no physical intimacy is not 'rubbing along ok' though. And he sounds totally disinterested in anything. I wouldn't be surprised if he expresses relief when/if you discuss separation. Neither of you sound happy.

Alcoholics- Thank you so much for that link! I’m going to bookmark it and have a good read of it when the coast is clear. Thanks so much!

You're welcome. Good luck

Forgot to say in my OP... I’ve NC’d for this for obvious reasons. But I’m a looooong long-time MNer!

Have you discussed the lack of physical intimacy with your DH? If not, why not?

And is the work colleague married?

Whatever you decide to do at least wait until this thing with your colleague has fizzled out and ran it's course. It's easy to make rash desicions when you're heart and mind are going ten to the dozen over something new and exciting.

That aside I do feel for you greatly as your marriage sounds totally unfulfilling and i can completely see why it would shred your confidence feeling undesired by your husband.

The one positive thing you can take from whatever this is with your colleague is the knowledge that you are NOT undesirable

I hope you get some clarity soon and figure out what's best for you

Hi Xmasguilt

I wrote a very similar post recently re my marriage. I too an struggling with making any difficult rash decisions and messing up my children’s lives.

It’s hard. But I too am thinking about doing something about it after Xmas. Maybe we can help eachother through?

X

I’d be the ‘bad guy’ if I ended things without a proper reason.
You have all the reasons to leave. Lack of intimacy, lack of interest in the home, kids, and the list goes on.
I had the same overwhelming feelings, that if I left my husband, my home, I'd be ruining my childrens lives.
My husband begged me not to leave. Turned the kids against me. It broke my heart. An old lady told me, 'be honest with your children and as time goes on and they mature, they will come to understand'.
I left because I'd had that same awakening.
15 years on, It was the best decision for all concerned.

OP you have no idea just how good you are!
Having a husband that sits reading a book while you do everything else is not rubbing along.
He is treating you like his mother!! You just happen to have an older child in the house!
Plan you future and just think what you could achieve on your own.
The young work colleague has woken up your dulled down senses and you have now had a taste of what it like to feel wanted!

Don't feel bad life is too short and if you're going to have the talk don't mention the young guy...it's nothing to do with him.

I've been where you are OP. I was very young when I met my first husband. Everything was whirlwind and I fell pregnant quickly. I was determined to stay with him as id had an awful childhood and didn't want that for my baby. Ten years and 4dc later, I was utterly miserable. Our sex life had never been great but over the years, dwindled to nothing but a wham bam thank you mam for him.

Then one day I went back to work. One of my colleagues took an interest in me and suddenly I felt alive. I realised how dead inside id been for so long. I felt like an actual person, a woman again.

I knew, that I wouldn't do anything with my colleague and I never did, but I will always be grateful to him for waking me up. the colleague was a symptom of my unfulfilled marriage, not a cause. Around three months later, I ended the marriage and became a lone parent to our 4dc.

You'd think I would have been stressed and anxious. I was quite the opposite. I started singing and dancing around the house. Stopped snapping at the kids. Out went the sad music i used to listen to. It was like i had been reborn. My kids were, in time, so much happier too and flourished.

Anyways, six years on I'm remarried and it's like night and day. I'm so content and feel so so lucky that I had the guts to walk away from my first marriage.

Only you can decide what to do. We only get one life though. Spend it actually living.

To absolutely everyone who has posted so far: thank you!! I feel touched beyond belief that so many of you have taken the time to post such helpful, wise and encouraging words. I’m amazed. I feel bed because Ive only got 2mins to quickly reply without being discovered so I can’t respond individually at mo but I will.

Had dream last night that I finished things with DH. Felt amazing. Woken up feeling emboldened & excited about finishing it, but also like vomiting from nerves, fear, excitement, grief, sadness & guilt.
I’m in such a state and such a wreck I’m selfishly tempted to get the ball rolling ASAP (today or tomorrow) with telling DH but whilst I could easily then put on a front fir the kids over Xmas I’m not certain my DH could (it’ll be a massive shock to him as he’s zero idea) and then it’d ruin my poor DC’s xmas. And we’d been having such a magical run-up to xmas with them- they are so excited and happy. I just want to end it with DH to assuage my own nerves about it but I can’t risk doing it now because of kids. Can I?

I think you should wait until after Christmas for all the reasons you have described. Plus you must not rush into a decision that you're having such an understandable debate with yourself on. Take this time to think about what you want, and what each decision will mean for you and your children.

Let's say you leave him and the OM doesn't actually want to be with you. That's a possibility and I think you should only consider leaving your DH if you're happy to go it alone.

Good luck. X

The OM really seriously is just going to stay a friend. I think. We’ve only kissed on the one night. All the other stuff is just v close ‘friendship’ and I’d definitely not factor him into things here. He’s much younger anyway, and got a gf whom he’s made no noises about leaving. He’s no idea I’m rhinking of leaving DH and I dare say he’d be mortified if he thought he was in any way connected.
It’s just that it’s optned my eyes to the other possibilities out there, and what it feels like to be pursued/flirted with. I don’t want to close the door on that part of life like I have done for so many years. I’m worth more than that, but I’ve given him most of my 20s & 30s and now it might be too late to start over with new men unless I do it soon!

Oh wow OP. YANBU. I don’t think I’ve ever said or thought this before (happily married and churchgoer here) but GO FOR IT. You only get one life, one chance to be happy. This man has been sent to you to bring love and happiness into your life.