Am I having an EA? Head’s a mess. Pls help!

[XmasGuilt]

Oh crikey. I can’t believe I’m finally plucking up the courage to write this. Am so scared of DH finding this. And scared of getting flamed. And scared of opening up a Pandora’s box.

Been with DH 13yrs, married 10. 2 DC’s (under 7). Have been faithful the entire time despite the r’ship always being lacking in physical intimacy/sex (twice a year on average). I loved sex and was v experienced/experimental before we met, whereas my DH has always seemed quite repressed and awkward about sex, and has rarely initiated contact. For instance, on honeymoon it took us a good couple of weeks to consummate our marriage.

He’s a good man. Decent. Funny, a good friend who’s always been supportive of my decisions/career/finances etc. He’s the main wage-earner and pays the full mortgage/council tax (I pay utilities/childcare/food shopping etc).

There have been years upon years of me feeling entirely shut-down sexually, no libido left at all, no sensation or urges. At first I felt mystified, hurt, then fat & unattractive (overheard him talking about my weight once and he was unapologetic, maintaining that he couldn’t be expected to fancy me as I was 2 stone heavier than when we got together). I thought about leaving but rationalised that we’re ‘soul mates’ etc and wasn’t brave enough.

Then as my own libido dwindled away to zero I attributed it to medication/tiredness/normal life with young kids. So the lack of sex hasn’t at all been a problem for me the past 5yrs. Happy just co-parenting, keeping up appearance/illusion of a normal marriage. Happy together mostly although chronic health probs and some other problems have been hard to deal with and caused tensions which flare up regularly.

I do 100% of DIY, planning, organising, thinking. Increasingly i see men who are capable in these domains AND have libidos too, and feel so sad & envious.

Skip to recently and I recruited a new assistant/work partner. From the first day it was evident we had a bizarre bond, with an identical background/sense of humour/tastes etc. We immediately developed a raft of in-jokes and short-hands, almost our own language at work. We work incredibly closely as a team of two (within a larger overall org) and spend lots of time having meetings together in coffee shops/our cars etc. He steals food off my plate and vice versa. last weekend we very drunkenly kissed at our work Xmas do. It was completely wonderful. We were v couply all night, and HE pursued ME all night (felt incredible!). It really felt for one crazy, giddy, amazing night that I was part of a fun, physical, loving and exciting couple.

I obviously felt mortified and horrified the next morning, but if I’m honest I also feel something close to ELATION! We’ve been endlessly, constantly messaging on soc media ever since. Most of it v innocent and bantery. Some of it chatting about what happened. Some of it v complimentary (tonight he sent me a message saying “I still think you’re awesome”). Although we agree it was a mistake and shouldn’t be repeated it still seems we’re being covert (we have agreed to delete our chat threads after each time we’ve talked) and I’ve been like a stupid, awful, love-struck teenager slinking off from my DH and kids at all hours to feverishly check his messages. I feel sick, giddy, butterflies, weak, can’t eat... I’m so pathetic about it all.

I’m so confused about my marriage. Obvs I’m not remotely thinking I could end my marriage for my colleague (he is younger, different life-stage, in a r’ship etc) BUT I feel like I’ve had a MASSIVE re-awakening and can’t imagine a life without sexual attraction anymore. Now my DCs are slightly older I’m starting to rediscover ‘me’ again. Also my career is suddenly looking a bit better, and my self-esteem is riding after loosing weight lately. I think I’m starting to wake up but I’m scared of what I’m waking up to.

This is so dizzying. I’m going round in circles, frantic. All I can think of is my colleague and how he made me feel.

But I’ve spent my life vowing I’d never, EVER, break my children’s family unit up. I imagine it would be the end of the world for my poor, poor little DCs, and I could only do that to them if my DH had been violent/had an affair etc. I’ve fantasised for years about him leaving me so I’d have a legitimate way out.

Fuck. Sorry that was so long. Thank you to anyone who’s made it this far

Personally, I'd wait until the new year to say something.
That way, it's a new year, new start and the kids have had a lovely christmas. Don't stress over who's going to live where, when and how. Everything will fall into place eventually and obviously you will need time with your husband and children to discuss these issues.

Hang in there Op, just a few days more, let your dc have their Xmas fun without adult worries. Whilst you wait to tell your dh, get together as much information that you can on the practicalities of ending a marriage.

Get your ducks in a row as they say, you do not know how your husband will react to you and he splitting up.

You may benefit from having counselling, just to support you through what could be a difficult time ahead.

When you tell your husband make sure that you and your dc have support around you all. So talking to the school to give them the heads up for supporting your dc. If you can let your family and friends know so that they can be supportive to you and your dc.

It may be a good idea to keep things with work colleague work focused and platonic.
He is just a catalyst to your awakening and a distraction. You need a clear head so that you can support your dc through what will be a big change.

You do deserve to be happy and not live in closed down mode.

Don't rush the decision given this has been an issue for years you can wait a few weeks.

It seems as of you and your dh are emotionally disconnected.Why did you assume it was ok to not consummate the marriage for weeks? Just wonder what your expectations are and would encourage you to seek solo counselling before any new relationship.

It maybe necessary for you will need to take ownership for your part in enabling a "non relationship". If not you risk getting into a "exciting" relationship but lose basics that your H currently provides.

I started over again at 42 and doing it again at 49!
You'll be OK.
It won't be easy but you'll be much happier with yourself and your new life.
However..... I agree, you should wait until after Christmas.
If you want to feel like you are doing something then go on-line.
See what you would be entitled to in benefits, housing (maybe nothing but worth checking)
See what maintenance you would get from DH for the DC.
Work out finances based on this and see what you would stand.
See how difficult it would be on your own.
I always say it.
Life is short. Do not waste it - do not settle.
You'll hate your DH for it and yourself as well.

HellsBells- Thanks, you’re so right, such great advice there! I’ve started doing exactly as you advise- doing research online and starting to learn what my rights/responsibs would be. It’s really helping me focus. I actually felt weirdly excited about ending things when I saw my DH before and nearly blurted things out, but an gojng to follow the sensible advice on here to wait until after xmas.

I really, hugely can’t thank you all enough for your kind, wise words and encouragement. And I thought I’d get flamed!! If you don’t mind, I’d really appreciate the continued support and chance to chat, if any of you fancy sticking with me on this thread for a bit longer? It’s incredible how much it’s helping.

And to those in similar situations currently- yes, let’s share the support and give eachother some support. Please update with how things go for you and your decisions. And we can all do this hand-in-hand

Sorry for billions of typos! Typing furtively on phone. Like a spy.

I think you should wait until the week after Christmas (you've been married a decade, a week will change nothing!) then have a frank talk with your husband about how you are considering leaving him due to lack of sex life. You can tell him that this was caused by feeling wanted by someone else or not, it is up to you (though he will instantly assume you are actually sleeping with someone else and who it is, if you have mentionitis). Go to couples therapy with him for at least six months, and consider what about him would make you happy, and what you are prepared to change to suit his older self too.

In the meantime, put some actual professional boundaries in place with your assistant - don't social media each other, don't text, only communicate at work about work, stop going on cosy little "work" dates - throw yourself into Christmas while you go cold turkey. You are sick with Limerance (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence) right now, that is not actually love, it is a temporary euphoric state which will pass pretty swiftly if you don't fan the flames. If it would help, think of it as a mental illness you have caught, like a cold!

You are not going to have a lovely forever future with your colleague, so forget that - if you split, you are going to be a lone parent starting again with OLD etc and not getting sex even twice a year unless you actually find someone you like more than your current partner - you might well find that after a couple of months on Tinder, he seems like a veritable prince amongst men in retrospect.

Hi I just wanted to pop in and say go for it! I'm a month ahead of you, just left my dp of 5 years last month and it's the best thing I've ever done! I'm starting to feel so free and happy and alive it's amazing! My relationship was a bit different, he was emotionally controlling and subtly abusive so I'm also discovering all the things I can now do/say/eat ect without having to think twice about it!!

I completely understand where you are coming from about your friend too. I have a friend. Over the past 6 months or so we got to know each other and built a friendship, and it really was just a friendship at first but the past couple of weeks I've started having urges to flirt with him, kiss him, I think about kissing him a lot!! I thought it was all one sided and felt bad for possibly taking advantage of a friendship but the past couple of days something has changed, he was definitely flirting too last night! It feels so nice and exciting and all feelings I thought I'd never feel again. I know I'm not in love with him or anything like that, I just really want to kiss him lol!! And it's made me realise how dead my relationship was for a long time.

I feel so focussed and strong about my future. Until my kids are older and out the house, I will never share my home with anyone again. This is our home now, our living safe home. My things, my money, my life and it feels great!

Face all those fears you're feeling and power through them! Listen to your gut, I've been listening purely to my inner self recently and it's given me all the answers I need.

God I'm actually excited for you!!!!!

Oh IsItMee ! I’m beyond thrilled to hear that you’re so positive and have made such a brave decision, and so sound so happy!!!! I’m really really impressed by you. And especially seeing as your ex was subtly controlling; that must’ve had such a huge detrimental effect on you so to garner the strength and courage to leave is all the more amazing!

You sound as giddy as I feel at the moment! I’m so glad I’ve not been shot down for feeling positively excited! I’m aware the excitement might dissolve though when I actually come to do it. But your message fills me with hope.

Do you mind me asking- how have you handled the living arrangements in your case? Did you ask him to leave? I just couldn’t do that in my case. But neither could I leave my lovely home where my children are. I was thinking of suggesting we Co-habit/co-parent (we’d need to have a major shuffle round of bedrooms tho and lump the kids in together). I’d be really happy with that, but I expect my DH won’t be.

I did come close to this once before and got to the point of me mooting the idea of an open marriage but he was utterly outraged and appalled/hurt. He’s quite narrow in his outlook really, and I don’t think he’d ‘get’ that we could co-parent/co-habit but be separated. It’s in effect what we’re doing now (in my eyes) but at least I’d be able to think about snogging other men without huge guilt. He’d see it v differently tho. I genuinely think he thinks we’re fine. Things have been this way for so long and I’m partly to blame as I was numb and stumbling through the early childcare years/depression/poor employment/low self-esteem/being 100% financially dependent on him for a long time whilst I was a SAHM.
It’s not his fault that things for me have suddenly changed I guess.

XmasGuilt - How would that work if you ever wanted to bring someone home to stay over? :-/

OP you are not alone, your situation is very similar to mine. I have been unhappy for such a long time but didn't realise how long until I met someone who made me realise I do have some value. My H offers no emotional support and slowly I have stopped trying to mend things. I've tried for too long and get nothing back. We haven't had sex for 6 years and now I don't want to with him ever again. I have got as far as getting H to Relate and within half an hour he agreed to split, he didn't even argue or fight for me. I cried and he was impassive. Which is how he has been for the last 15 years. There are times I just want to shake him just to get some sort of human reaction. I'm not going to waste my time any more. Even if I don't have another relationship I would rather be in control of my own destiny rather than stay living a half life.

We are currently still living together, while we get our heads around the finances. I don't know how it will work as I am a SAHM. I am looking for work and given myself 6 months to gain some financial independence. I know this is the right thing to do. Little steps and planning and I know I can turn this around. It is heartening to read how others have made the change and it has improved their relationship with their children etc.. I am so depressed at times I feel I cannot function as a parent and have a short temper. It might be a cliche but we really do only have one life.

Oh Forest. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through so much. What a weird scenario that he didn’t even fight it or protest. Whilst that appeals to me in principle I can imagine that felt very hurtful and angering for you. It’s so frustrating that he clearly wasn’t bothered but had almost forced your hand to initiate things. Grrrr.
Well done for grasping the nettle. And good luck with the job-hunting and returning to work. A huge sea-change but I’m sure it’ll open up so many new horizons to you (and potentially new r’ships?!)

Well we were living the in a local authority house which was in my name only but he wouldn't leave so he had to go to women's aid who have given me somewhere else to live and I now have the option to give that property up and apply for a new one. I still don't know if he's coming and going, he's left nearly all his stuff there and it's all very triggering anyway so I'll be giving it up and waiting for an offer of a permanent house. On paper it sounds like a huge upheaval but the kids have adapted really well, we call the new place our holiday house and they love it. Deep down I think they sense the safeness and love from me where as before I was just existing, depressed and anxious all the time. It all seems to have lifted the very minute I decided I was leaving.I was never allowed by him to work so I have been entitled to claim benefits and there is a lot of help available for people in my position. It's not ideal long term but for now it's been a huge relief to know I'm not completely fucked financially.

Thank you XmasGuilt, I wish you the best of luck too and the strength to find yourself. Throw away the guilt and understand you are a human being who has needs. Let some of the dust settle and try and understand exactly why you feel the way you do. Like you I fantasised about H leaving me or having an affair so we could legitimately split but in the end I had to take the lead and be true to myself and my feelings. I think he wants to feel blameless in the split as it is my doing, well so be it. I will regain my self esteem and independence and be a good role model to my children. I might also find someone who will appreciate me and I can appreciate back. I think I will have massive regrets if I don't at least try. Best of luck to you too, I really hope things work out for you.

Well things have moved-on hugely just in 24hrs.
I was really struggling this morning (shaky, nauseous, quiet etc) and when we had a rare quiet hour to ourselves I just started to weep, and told him how I’m feeling. He was amazing, level, understanding, open, and not really surprised. He accepted immediately that things have never been how they should be, and I was fairly honest about the impact this has had on my self-esteem and sexuality. He could appreciate this, and spoke frankly about the difficulties he’s always had feeling comfortable with sex within a relationship. He discussed that this was the real reason his previous DP left him. He spoke with candour and honesty, but without any self-pity or defensiveness.

I stated that it’s imperative we attend some r’ship counselling together in the new year, and he wholeheartedly agreed. I explained that I can’t give him any promises that this will be with the aim of staying together; that the goal might be to split amicably. I was honest that I don’t know if I can ever learn to see him as a sexual partner even if he were to seek and get help to become more sexually open/confident.

We also discussed the things which contribute to his lack of desire: my weight (which he feels terribly guilty about but which is quite ingrained in him due to his previous eating disorder and continuing issues around weight/diet); as well as his ongoing chronic pain issues as a result of some quite serious neuro issues he developed when I was pg with DC2. He suffers terribly with pain and low mood as a result, although he didn’t bring this into it.

I initially felt relieved and euphoric that he took it well and that we seem on the same page. But as the evening’s wearing-on I feel so so so terribly sad for both of us. And for our devoted friendship, our family unit, our history. I feel like I’m grieving. I’m sat here crying. I just want to go upstairs to him and put my arms around him and tell him I’ve made a big mistake. I’m scared, and the person who knows me the best and loves me the most is the person I can’t go to.

Just re-reading my post has made me howl with the sadness and pain of it.
The euphoria and excitement of last weekend about my colleague has evaporated entirely. I put myself on a van from contacting him, and he’s not contacted me either, so the flames have died down hugely and I can see how silly it all was getting. It was seductive and exciting and full of possibilities and fantasy, which was the trigger for all that has now happened, but it really is just nothing with him. It could have been anyone. It was all just waiting to boil over at any point, I just hadn’t realised how much.

Bump. Anyone?
I hate sounding needy but could desperately do with a hand-hold.

Big hand hold from me. I bumped into an ex from 17 years ago a few months ago and it was a thunderbolt. He was the catalyst in me realising my marriage is a sham. We texted for a few months and he propositioned me to meet in a hotel. I declined. Communication has now declined.

I was experiencing all those feelings of euphoria but now I just feel scared about the future and guilty because I don't love DH but know the hurt I am going to cause. It's rubbish

Do you think your husband might be gay OP? thats what I would be thinking if it was me. I think you should have left him ages ago.

I had an experience similar to yours, only one night, nothing physical but an old flame made me feel amazing. That, amongst other things, really gave me the push to end my unhappy and unfulfilling marriage.

I ended it a week after the fateful night and moved out 2 weeks later. I'm renting leaving h in my home for now as he wouldn't leave. We have dc 50/50 and i am 100% happier

Nothing happened with the old flame although I have since met a younger man, developing an easy 'friendship' that makes me feel awesome!

Life is short, be happy but don't be a cheat...

Oh OP, my heat goes out to you. You must feel as if everything is changing so fast. Thank goodness that your husband has some insight into the fact that his behaviour just isn’t normal or bearable for you. I hope you’re able to sort things out swiftly. How are you feeling?

NK1CF - thank you so much for the handhold. And I’m so sorry to hear you’re in a similar position . I completely get the feeling of seeing your ex and it striking a bolt of realisation into you. I had a similar situation with messaging my ex a few ears ago- it didn’t get further than slightly flirty banter about old times, but it was enough to fill me with sadness and confusion about my marriage.

What do you think you will do? Are you going to discuss things with your husband? Are you thinking you might want to try and salvage something, or is your mind made up that you want to end things? Are you similarly regretful that it’s come to this? I am. I feel guilty that I’m choosing to potentially cause so much sadness and loss when I could easily just keep quiet, cuddle my DH and keep the life we have together. I just don’t know. I need someone to control my life for me

Sprry posted before reading the full thread...

Being sad is normal, I cried buckets when I ended my marriage. I knew then and still know it was the right thing to do. Mumsnet was also a catalyst, reading threads I could relate to and taking on board the comments.

It's not easy but it sounds like it could be very amicable. My h is devastated and would take me back in heart beat despite me saying I'm no longer in love with him.

Ianbro- thank you for your kind encouragement and sharing your experience of a v similar situation. I’m so glad to hear you’re getting settled and sorted, and seem happy with things. I genuinely cannot imagine getting to that point, ever. I think I will always feel bereft and guilty.

The thought of leaving my home and my kids’ home makes me want to physically vomit with fear and sadness and insecurity. I can’t do that. I’d die of unhappiness and anxiety.

Ianbro- thanks for your other message. I really, really appreciate your input and experience of such a similar scenario. No one irl knows about this apart from my DH so it’s feeling like a real lifeline having this source of support from such kind and wise MNers.

Thank you everyone who is taking time to respond and to help. I’m deeply, deeply grateful