Am I having an EA? Head’s a mess. Pls help!

[XmasGuilt]

Oh crikey. I can’t believe I’m finally plucking up the courage to write this. Am so scared of DH finding this. And scared of getting flamed. And scared of opening up a Pandora’s box.

Been with DH 13yrs, married 10. 2 DC’s (under 7). Have been faithful the entire time despite the r’ship always being lacking in physical intimacy/sex (twice a year on average). I loved sex and was v experienced/experimental before we met, whereas my DH has always seemed quite repressed and awkward about sex, and has rarely initiated contact. For instance, on honeymoon it took us a good couple of weeks to consummate our marriage.

He’s a good man. Decent. Funny, a good friend who’s always been supportive of my decisions/career/finances etc. He’s the main wage-earner and pays the full mortgage/council tax (I pay utilities/childcare/food shopping etc).

There have been years upon years of me feeling entirely shut-down sexually, no libido left at all, no sensation or urges. At first I felt mystified, hurt, then fat & unattractive (overheard him talking about my weight once and he was unapologetic, maintaining that he couldn’t be expected to fancy me as I was 2 stone heavier than when we got together). I thought about leaving but rationalised that we’re ‘soul mates’ etc and wasn’t brave enough.

Then as my own libido dwindled away to zero I attributed it to medication/tiredness/normal life with young kids. So the lack of sex hasn’t at all been a problem for me the past 5yrs. Happy just co-parenting, keeping up appearance/illusion of a normal marriage. Happy together mostly although chronic health probs and some other problems have been hard to deal with and caused tensions which flare up regularly.

I do 100% of DIY, planning, organising, thinking. Increasingly i see men who are capable in these domains AND have libidos too, and feel so sad & envious.

Skip to recently and I recruited a new assistant/work partner. From the first day it was evident we had a bizarre bond, with an identical background/sense of humour/tastes etc. We immediately developed a raft of in-jokes and short-hands, almost our own language at work. We work incredibly closely as a team of two (within a larger overall org) and spend lots of time having meetings together in coffee shops/our cars etc. He steals food off my plate and vice versa. last weekend we very drunkenly kissed at our work Xmas do. It was completely wonderful. We were v couply all night, and HE pursued ME all night (felt incredible!). It really felt for one crazy, giddy, amazing night that I was part of a fun, physical, loving and exciting couple.

I obviously felt mortified and horrified the next morning, but if I’m honest I also feel something close to ELATION! We’ve been endlessly, constantly messaging on soc media ever since. Most of it v innocent and bantery. Some of it chatting about what happened. Some of it v complimentary (tonight he sent me a message saying “I still think you’re awesome”). Although we agree it was a mistake and shouldn’t be repeated it still seems we’re being covert (we have agreed to delete our chat threads after each time we’ve talked) and I’ve been like a stupid, awful, love-struck teenager slinking off from my DH and kids at all hours to feverishly check his messages. I feel sick, giddy, butterflies, weak, can’t eat... I’m so pathetic about it all.

I’m so confused about my marriage. Obvs I’m not remotely thinking I could end my marriage for my colleague (he is younger, different life-stage, in a r’ship etc) BUT I feel like I’ve had a MASSIVE re-awakening and can’t imagine a life without sexual attraction anymore. Now my DCs are slightly older I’m starting to rediscover ‘me’ again. Also my career is suddenly looking a bit better, and my self-esteem is riding after loosing weight lately. I think I’m starting to wake up but I’m scared of what I’m waking up to.

This is so dizzying. I’m going round in circles, frantic. All I can think of is my colleague and how he made me feel.

But I’ve spent my life vowing I’d never, EVER, break my children’s family unit up. I imagine it would be the end of the world for my poor, poor little DCs, and I could only do that to them if my DH had been violent/had an affair etc. I’ve fantasised for years about him leaving me so I’d have a legitimate way out.

Fuck. Sorry that was so long. Thank you to anyone who’s made it this far

It’s coming in waves from moment to moment. I can’t breathe with the horror of it. And then for a few moments it seems do-able and ok. Then back to nauseating horror and grief.
Fuck.
Reeeeeally wish I’d kept quiet until after xmas now. What a fucking spineless idiot I am that I couldn’t bear the waiting/secrecy. Such a selfish thing to have done on my part. Urgh.

Do you have rl support? My parents were fab, tbh they must've been expecting it because they didn't bat an eyelid, just asked what they could do to help! There's no shame or stigma attached to a marriage breakdown so please do seek real life support too

I imagine my parents will also be amazing and won’t bar an eyelid (I think they’ve prob been expecting it for years but then will prob be surprised that I’ve finally done it).

I don’t know what to say though, because DH and I are still not clear what’s going on or what we’ll do. I’d hate for there to be no way back or an uncomfortable atmosphere with our families if we decide to make a try of things.
I couldn’t tell anyone before xmas anyway. We’re seeing both sides of the family all xmas and it’s ruin things for them all.

@Xmasguilt - I'm seeing a counsellor for 2 months and she said I'm very emotionally detached from my marriage so I think leaving is inevitable. I couldn't keep quiet either so DH knows I don't love him.

Even though I'm grateful for the ex for being the catalyst I could have done without him being in the equation. Nothing has happened with him or will do.

If staying in a home you did all the DIY on is important to you then stay in the marriage - only you know the answer to that, but you can’t buy time

I think you know deep down that you need to separate, this other guy just brought it to your attention. Your eyes have been opened now and they won't close again no matter how hard you try and tell yourself everything is fine. I completely get the wanting him to cuddle you, I felt like that too, and acted on it, that lasted less than 24 hours and everything was shit again. It's just fear you're feeling, and doubt obviously as you are making a big decision, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't have doubts but the best thing is to listen to your inner most self and find out what you truly want. I hope you manage to get some clarification

You mustn’t beat yourself up OP. You didn’t create this situation and you have suffered in it for years. You only get one chance at life and this is yours.

How are you today?

You have one life. Perhaps you got married to young and it seems you've found the one you connect with? However you need to do the right thing and if this guy is genuine; he will support you in whatever decision you make

Following with real interest - I could have written this post. My reawakening was with someone who only gave me flirtation but after several years of no real intimacy with DH I suddenly felt alive, attractive, confident, happy. Made me realise what I was missing in my 17 year and now sexless relationship. I feel so sad now - swinging between I want to get out and find myself a really passionate love, and then feeling trapped as I know I can never leave as I couldn’t split up my Home and kids. DH is generally a good Dad and husband I just don’t feel like I love or fancy him anymore and feel resigned to living in a loveless marriage forever..... it’s so hard. I really want to try and make it work as leaving seems impossible and I go through phases where I think we will be ok but then I ahve massive crashing Low points when I don’t think we can and feel so sad about the future. Obviously there is more to this and it’s just a snapshot but in essence I feel you’re posts really resonate with him... watching with interest.

Hi to anyone who was on this thread and may happen to check back and see this. I just thought id update a bit post-Christmas.

Christmas was quite anxious and tough at times but I still had this over-riding feeling of strength and conviction in my need to end things. I’ve found an inner reserve of strength lately that I didn’t know I ha, and I feel like this has helped carry me through despite constant mid-level anxiety/worry/nausea.

So xmas for the kids was great. DH & I got along ok. His parents came to stay and didn’t suspect anything. Despite H having some lowish moody days at first, he’s now chirpy and acting fine and I suspect he thinks everything’s going to be brushed under carpet and/or fixed at Relate. I’m convinced otherwise now, but am biding my time until our first Relate appt next week where I hope to be able to tell him. I’ve not given him false hope, as I did say I wasn’t giving any guarantees I wanted to work things out.

Increasingly I don’t want to be around him. I’m funding myself almost bemused and shocked at how I could’ve lived happily with him for so long. His passivity with everything ‘grown up’ is making me almost hate him (for instance I’ve had to host Xmas single-handedly, do all the leg-work with a big new purchase, co-ordinate our building work etc, whilst he looks-on with a blank and confused expression). Things like that make me feel like I’m living with a slightly dim child. Which is a complete turn-off.

WRT my colleague...we had less phone contact over Xmas week (in part down to me trying to be sensible) but I missed him dreadfully. I returned to work this week and we saw eachother for first time since our (first and only) kiss. I was unbelievably shy and nervous. Felt sick with nerves and longing. We spent all afternoon chatting just the two of us (in part about work, and in part about random matey stuff and making eachother laugh, and in part about our indiscretion and how we shouldn’t be embarrassed etc). Lots of flirting/eye contact/went for lunch together. We have so much in common it’s ridiculous, so we just talk and talk and talk and can hardly get any work done. We both lingered later than our finish time. As soon as I got home he’d messaged me and we spent 4.5 hours solidly messaging eachother until v late last night. We kept both saying we think our ‘banter’ is just fun between great mates etc but we also both love innuendo and the messages were pretty innuendo-heavy about eachother. He got in bed whilst we were messaging and although we said goodnight we then both kept messaging eachother until midnight, as tho we couldn’t say goodbye. In the end my husband cane upstairs and I had to hurriedly sign-off, to which my colleague replied “goodnight xxxxx”. I sent “xx” back, and he reciprocated kisses again.

My head was spinning after all this and i didn’t sleep a wink all night. Today we’ve whatsapped a bit but it’s been much more tame (he’s been at work) and he’s gone v quiet this evening, so I’m guessing he’s with his gfriend (they don’t live together). The thought that he’s not responded because he’s currently with her is causing me a feeling of pain, which I know is utterly hypocritical and awful and stupid of me.

I don’t even know what all the above means. I can’t get any clarity. On paper we’re ‘great mates’ but it all feels a bit more than that to me. But I don’t know if that’s just all in my head because I’m starting to reeeeally fall for him? And am I really attaching to him to compensate for the detachment from my DH?

Oh god. It’s a mess. If ANYONE has read this far, thank you! Any perspective greatly received.

You really need to sort out your marriage first. Until then, your colleague really is irrelevant (especially if he has a girlfriend!). I would sincerely stop the contact outside work and ask him not to message you.

I know PN that you’re probably right.

But then I keep telling myself that if we’re just mates then where’s the harm? I can’t work out in my head if we are just innocent mates or if this is what’s meant by an ‘emotional affair’? I’ve soooo little experience of any of these things so I don’t know if what we’re doing is crossing a line or is inherently innocent.

The things we talk/WhatsApp about range from our exes, to our shared favourite music, to our shared degree subject, to our love of the same foods, to our work stuff, to people we both know, to silly daft innuendo and infantile jokes, to our similar career aspirations. I’ve been careful not to discuss my marriage circumstances or problems, and he very rarely mentions his g’friend now (although I bring her up when reminding him why he shouldn’t flirt etc). But I’ve zero idea what he thinks of me. I’m so much older than him. And I’m a married mother, whereas he’s a young child-free guy who’s at a totally different life-stage. He possibly thinks I’m deluded. But then he’ll go and contact me or send kisses or pursuance me to go to lunch together or to help me with practicalities and big choices around a recent big purchase. It’s like we’re playing at going out with eachother but denying to ourselves that anything untoward is happening because we’ve only kissed on one work night out.

You are not "just mates".
Come on, you know that really.

You're getting attention from him and you're enjoying it, because you're unhappy in your relationship but have been burying your head in the sand. The other guy has reminded you what it feels like to be exciting to someone and what you're missing in your relationship. You need to cut all non-work contact with him while you sort out what you want. What's happened with him is a positive in a way because it's making you take action but you cannot let it go any further because it will get extremely messy and will stop you from making a clear headed decision about your marriage.

Stop messing around with someone else's boyfriend and sort your own problems out. How do you think his girlfriend would feel about your 'friendship'?
Grow up you silly, self-centred woman!

I just can’t imagine having no non-work contact- he’s rapidly becoming one of my closest friends and favourite people, and everything I like/do/listen to has links to/with him.

In work, it’s just the two of us for most of the time. We work as a pair and are expected to work together incredibly closely. It’d be excruciating being at work together if we’ve cooled things off or if I were to tell him not to contact me outside of work. Especially as we’ve agreed that what’s going on is innocent jokey innuendo. If I were to ask him to help me cut social contact it would look really weird.

Come on, woman. This is the absolute textbook definition of an emotional affair and you know it.

Imagine a thread on here where someone says she read her boyfriend's texts and they were of the volume and content that his are to you. And then he confessed he'd kissed the woman he was messaging. What would you say to her? Just friends and it's fine? I doubt it.

Clarabelle- have you read my full thread? He and I are both in relationships. Mine is deeply lonely, sexless and coming to an end, but I accept that I should complete my marriage separation before getting attached to anyone else, as it is incumbent on me to do the decent thing by my DH. His is a less serious, non-cohabiting relationship for which he himself bears the responsibility to be faithful or otherwise.

This isn’t AIBU, so I’m not sure there’s the need for name-calling. ‘You silly, self-centred woman’ is pretty un-called for, whatever you think of me.

Yes, I have; sorry but you sound silly and self-centred. You're getting carried away with some stupid fantasy with someone else's boyfriend.
I have been in his girlfriend's position and it has nearly destroyed me. But you clearly don't care about her.

PNGirl- It probably is classified as an EA then. I suspected it was, but genuinely didn’t know as I’ve not really used the term before or spoken to people who have any experience of what actually constitutes an EA. The concept is a relatively new one to me and something I’ve only come across on MN.

Add-in to that the giddying, confusing tumult resulting from my head being absolutely fried at the moment with plucking up the courage to tear my life apart and the fear of ruining my children’s lives and making everyone hate me, and suddenly the joy from my new ‘friendship’ comes along and I just really struggled to get perspective, but haven’t been able to ask anyone IRL for obvious reasons.

So I appreciate your perspective and your confirmation that this does in fact constitute what is meant by an EA. It is appreciated.

Clarabelle- I’m sorry you’ve been hurt before. Me too. But my current preoccupation I’m afraid hasn’t been the welfare of my colleague’s somewhat casual-sounding girlfriend... instead my own focus and concern has been on the ramifications for my 10yr old marriage and for myself. My relationship is my responsibility (which I feel guilt for and know I need to address) and his relationship/fidelity is his responsibility which HE can make a informed choice around and take his own responsibility for. I’m not his moral keeper and I’m not spiriting him away from her. He pursued me, and continues to appear to court me. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but the man who hurt you was the one who hurt you (not the ‘OW’), but for some reason I’m expected to accept the responsibility/guilt/moral shame for his choices to do with his relationship.

It’s really not a question of just silly lust and me wanting to take him from her. I’m realising that I’m falling in love with him (as a person) and have never felt this way for my husband or indeed for anyone.

It honestly is playing at being a couple/being all crushy on each other, acknowledging it, and pretending it's all fine because no sex is happening. Tbh after kissing and messing about at the night out you're a good % over the line for an actual affair.

The fact that you work so closely together is EXACTLY why you need to cool it. You can't have a relationship with this man, marriage and his relationship aside, unless you change your job. It just wouldn't work and sadly, in my experience as an observer of these things it would be your professional reputation that would suffer.

You don't have to make a big thing about it, just give short answers to his messages that don't encourage further conversation. You don't need to be rude or anything. Just stop encouraging him and don't send anything that you wouldn't be happy for his girlfriend or your husband to see.

I'm not suggesting you should stay with your husband, from what you've said it sounds like it's dead in the water. But you've agreed to give Relate a go so if that's what you want to do then you need to do it without this distraction.