Oh crikey. I can’t believe I’m finally plucking up the courage to write this. Am so scared of DH finding this. And scared of getting flamed. And scared of opening up a Pandora’s box.
Been with DH 13yrs, married 10. 2 DC’s (under 7). Have been faithful the entire time despite the r’ship always being lacking in physical intimacy/sex (twice a year on average). I loved sex and was v experienced/experimental before we met, whereas my DH has always seemed quite repressed and awkward about sex, and has rarely initiated contact. For instance, on honeymoon it took us a good couple of weeks to consummate our marriage.
He’s a good man. Decent. Funny, a good friend who’s always been supportive of my decisions/career/finances etc. He’s the main wage-earner and pays the full mortgage/council tax (I pay utilities/childcare/food shopping etc).
There have been years upon years of me feeling entirely shut-down sexually, no libido left at all, no sensation or urges. At first I felt mystified, hurt, then fat & unattractive (overheard him talking about my weight once and he was unapologetic, maintaining that he couldn’t be expected to fancy me as I was 2 stone heavier than when we got together). I thought about leaving but rationalised that we’re ‘soul mates’ etc and wasn’t brave enough.
Then as my own libido dwindled away to zero I attributed it to medication/tiredness/normal life with young kids. So the lack of sex hasn’t at all been a problem for me the past 5yrs. Happy just co-parenting, keeping up appearance/illusion of a normal marriage. Happy together mostly although chronic health probs and some other problems have been hard to deal with and caused tensions which flare up regularly.
I do 100% of DIY, planning, organising, thinking. Increasingly i see men who are capable in these domains AND have libidos too, and feel so sad & envious.
Skip to recently and I recruited a new assistant/work partner. From the first day it was evident we had a bizarre bond, with an identical background/sense of humour/tastes etc. We immediately developed a raft of in-jokes and short-hands, almost our own language at work. We work incredibly closely as a team of two (within a larger overall org) and spend lots of time having meetings together in coffee shops/our cars etc. He steals food off my plate and vice versa. last weekend we very drunkenly kissed at our work Xmas do. It was completely wonderful. We were v couply all night, and HE pursued ME all night (felt incredible!). It really felt for one crazy, giddy, amazing night that I was part of a fun, physical, loving and exciting couple.
I obviously felt mortified and horrified the next morning, but if I’m honest I also feel something close to ELATION! We’ve been endlessly, constantly messaging on soc media ever since. Most of it v innocent and bantery. Some of it chatting about what happened. Some of it v complimentary (tonight he sent me a message saying “I still think you’re awesome”). Although we agree it was a mistake and shouldn’t be repeated it still seems we’re being covert (we have agreed to delete our chat threads after each time we’ve talked) and I’ve been like a stupid, awful, love-struck teenager slinking off from my DH and kids at all hours to feverishly check his messages. I feel sick, giddy, butterflies, weak, can’t eat... I’m so pathetic about it all.
I’m so confused about my marriage. Obvs I’m not remotely thinking I could end my marriage for my colleague (he is younger, different life-stage, in a r’ship etc) BUT I feel like I’ve had a MASSIVE re-awakening and can’t imagine a life without sexual attraction anymore. Now my DCs are slightly older I’m starting to rediscover ‘me’ again. Also my career is suddenly looking a bit better, and my self-esteem is riding after loosing weight lately. I think I’m starting to wake up but I’m scared of what I’m waking up to.
This is so dizzying. I’m going round in circles, frantic. All I can think of is my colleague and how he made me feel.
But I’ve spent my life vowing I’d never, EVER, break my children’s family unit up. I imagine it would be the end of the world for my poor, poor little DCs, and I could only do that to them if my DH had been violent/had an affair etc. I’ve fantasised for years about him leaving me so I’d have a legitimate way out.
Fuck. Sorry that was so long. Thank you to anyone who’s made it this far 