Am I having an EA? Head’s a mess. Pls help!

[XmasGuilt]

Oh crikey. I can’t believe I’m finally plucking up the courage to write this. Am so scared of DH finding this. And scared of getting flamed. And scared of opening up a Pandora’s box.

Been with DH 13yrs, married 10. 2 DC’s (under 7). Have been faithful the entire time despite the r’ship always being lacking in physical intimacy/sex (twice a year on average). I loved sex and was v experienced/experimental before we met, whereas my DH has always seemed quite repressed and awkward about sex, and has rarely initiated contact. For instance, on honeymoon it took us a good couple of weeks to consummate our marriage.

He’s a good man. Decent. Funny, a good friend who’s always been supportive of my decisions/career/finances etc. He’s the main wage-earner and pays the full mortgage/council tax (I pay utilities/childcare/food shopping etc).

There have been years upon years of me feeling entirely shut-down sexually, no libido left at all, no sensation or urges. At first I felt mystified, hurt, then fat & unattractive (overheard him talking about my weight once and he was unapologetic, maintaining that he couldn’t be expected to fancy me as I was 2 stone heavier than when we got together). I thought about leaving but rationalised that we’re ‘soul mates’ etc and wasn’t brave enough.

Then as my own libido dwindled away to zero I attributed it to medication/tiredness/normal life with young kids. So the lack of sex hasn’t at all been a problem for me the past 5yrs. Happy just co-parenting, keeping up appearance/illusion of a normal marriage. Happy together mostly although chronic health probs and some other problems have been hard to deal with and caused tensions which flare up regularly.

I do 100% of DIY, planning, organising, thinking. Increasingly i see men who are capable in these domains AND have libidos too, and feel so sad & envious.

Skip to recently and I recruited a new assistant/work partner. From the first day it was evident we had a bizarre bond, with an identical background/sense of humour/tastes etc. We immediately developed a raft of in-jokes and short-hands, almost our own language at work. We work incredibly closely as a team of two (within a larger overall org) and spend lots of time having meetings together in coffee shops/our cars etc. He steals food off my plate and vice versa. last weekend we very drunkenly kissed at our work Xmas do. It was completely wonderful. We were v couply all night, and HE pursued ME all night (felt incredible!). It really felt for one crazy, giddy, amazing night that I was part of a fun, physical, loving and exciting couple.

I obviously felt mortified and horrified the next morning, but if I’m honest I also feel something close to ELATION! We’ve been endlessly, constantly messaging on soc media ever since. Most of it v innocent and bantery. Some of it chatting about what happened. Some of it v complimentary (tonight he sent me a message saying “I still think you’re awesome”). Although we agree it was a mistake and shouldn’t be repeated it still seems we’re being covert (we have agreed to delete our chat threads after each time we’ve talked) and I’ve been like a stupid, awful, love-struck teenager slinking off from my DH and kids at all hours to feverishly check his messages. I feel sick, giddy, butterflies, weak, can’t eat... I’m so pathetic about it all.

I’m so confused about my marriage. Obvs I’m not remotely thinking I could end my marriage for my colleague (he is younger, different life-stage, in a r’ship etc) BUT I feel like I’ve had a MASSIVE re-awakening and can’t imagine a life without sexual attraction anymore. Now my DCs are slightly older I’m starting to rediscover ‘me’ again. Also my career is suddenly looking a bit better, and my self-esteem is riding after loosing weight lately. I think I’m starting to wake up but I’m scared of what I’m waking up to.

This is so dizzying. I’m going round in circles, frantic. All I can think of is my colleague and how he made me feel.

But I’ve spent my life vowing I’d never, EVER, break my children’s family unit up. I imagine it would be the end of the world for my poor, poor little DCs, and I could only do that to them if my DH had been violent/had an affair etc. I’ve fantasised for years about him leaving me so I’d have a legitimate way out.

Fuck. Sorry that was so long. Thank you to anyone who’s made it this far

How is your weekend going Xmas?

PN I know what it means.
Its just a horrible word. Employee would suffice. Or assistant.
I am an academic. Some people have phds. Some have masters and are working towards phds. I would never call an employee with a masters my subordinate cos i have a phd
Consultants never refer to F1s as subordinates they are junior doctors.
So just you that thinks the word isnt offensive or simply descriptive about who controls who. The assistand isnt under the ops 'contro'. He works for her its different

Whether it’s offensive or not (I didn’t mean it to be) from an employers perspective it’s a fact.

And potentially dodgy ground imo.

...

Anyway. It's generally regarded as Not a Good Idea to have an affair with an employee because it opens you up to potential complaints about nepotism and/or abuse of power. Hence, I think, the advice here to dial it down a bit.

^this. Massively unprofessional and will ruin your hard earned reputation

I never agree with affairs. But honestly it doesn’t sound like you really have a marriage ... I would leave DH tbh. You’ll just grow more resentful and bitter. Don’t just ‘do it for the kids’ as many children have divorced parents but happy lives.
You deserve a fulfilling relationship too ....

Oops sorry, should’ve RTFT and read updates ... just catching up now OP! I do think you’re doing the right thing though ... heartbreaking as that is x

Xmasguilt, how would you feel if you left your dh. So living on your own, shared custody of the kids and your friend runs a mile? I know you think it would never happen but I’ve seen this scenario play out with friends. If you would still genuinely be happier then fair enough. But there is a third alternative.....of concentrating on your Relate sessions and seeing if you and dh can work through things and if he can make changes. Would it be worth giving yourself a six month deadline to see if you’re happier after counselling?

Although OP, just because his GF is ‘casual sounding’ and ‘non co-habiting’ doesn’t mean it’s a meaningless relationship. I’m not married to my DP and we only moved in together 6 months ago ... if he cheated on me I’d be ruined to the core. Don’t excuse his relationship as meaningless because you want to be with him please. You don’t really know anything about it if he’s not speaking about her to you.

I sent my colleague a message yesterday telling him very clearly that we must end whatever ‘it’ is that’s been going on. I made clear that despite us telling ourselves it is “banter” etc if we’re hinest with ourselves it’s much more than that and entirely inappropriate given that we both have other people to consider. I told him that I’ve been feeling guilty about his g’friend and my husband, and although those things don’t seem to worry him I’m not like that and don’t feel this sits well with my morals.
I told him I was loathe to put a stop to our chats etc as I love our chats/texts/in-jokes etc but possibly too much, and could see this becoming a slippery slope into major line-crossing. I said I’d decided to put on my big-girl pants and do some grown-up responsible thinking on behalf of us both. I said I hoped we were still mates and can work efficiently together at work.

He replied a bit later, not saying much, but appearing to agree. Lots of alluding to his thoughts/feelings rather than being clear. I think he is playing his emotional cards close to his chest but that’s fine, I’m no longer going to focus on him and analyse every single interaction.

I then went on to have a really frank, honest and open talk last night with my H. About our relationship issues and the possibility of separation etc. It was actually amazing how unexpectedly open and calm he was, and how on the same page we are it turns out. He actually thanked me profusely for having had the guts to bring the issues out into the open! He said he’d been lacking the courage to address things but has also been unhappy/I satisfied with our marriage. We agreed on almost everything about where our probs lie and what sort of potential future we might want (co-parenting, mutually respectful, children being our priority). We made a commitment to eachother to keep an open mind going into the Relate process and not to rule anything out. We agreed to keep things as calm, normal and happy for the kids as possible. We chatted for about 7 hours in total (whilst sharing some wine and listening to music) and it’s an IMMEASURABLE relief!!!

That sounds really positive. Good luck.

Amazing stuff Xmas. What a really good update

Thanks

It’s more proof that the collective wisdom and advice of MN is invaluable. I seriously couldn’t have done ANY of the above if it hadn’t been for discussing things on here with such a wise and lovely and thought-provoking bunch.

It’s been as good as counselling in terms of helping me to get my thoughts straight and helping me be brave and strong. Thank you each and every one of you

I do think I’ll need to keep checking in on here with some of you, to maintain my strength and sanity, and hopefully to support those others on here who are in similar situations.

NK- how’s things your end this weekend?

I salute you Xmas. Such a positive update. Good luck with your Relate sessions and the future beyond.

Really good to hear, glad you’re feeling lots better about things

OP...

I really feel for you....I could have written your posts, albeit two years ago.

My marriage was a sham. Sexless too. Utterly devastating. I do know it seems a shallow reason but he fundamentally rejected me, my personality and my love (wrt love languages)

He too was and remains dead behind the eyes. He too was 'inert' and it drove me round the bend.

I had a breakdown four years ago. He fucked up with that, too.

I don't know what I am trying to say here.. I suppose just offering a belated handhold. The colleague thing sounds a bit like hysterical bonding. Understand totally. But he's a distraction (albeit a welcome one) and can be no more than that. For your sake.

Every best wish to you x

I'm okay Xmas. No contact Day 6 here. I know I am doing the right thing by removing myself from my ex and I know I am being morally right. But I'm still feeling lonely.

I'm so pleased to read this! I watched this the other day. John Gottman. In case I haven't said so already, go google his credentials and body of work: