Managed to shake of possessive annoying friend, now DH is saying we should send a Christmas card!

[apoppetonastring]

Just that really!

We moved to this area some 3 years ago, (from 30 odd miles away) and another couple moved at the same time (a few weeks after us.)

We met them in the pub, and they seemed ok for a while, then got annoying very quickly. Nosey and irritating and moany. We found we had very little in common.

We were polite, and spoke to them when we saw them, and we would speak to them when they were at the pub, and we met at a couple of hobby groups. (We only went for the first 6 months we were here.)

But they kept over-stepping the mark; calling at our home unannounced, asking us to do stuff for them and give them lifts, and then moaning to others when we stopped answering their calls, and not answering the door.

So anyway, we finally managed to shake them, and they have not rang or texted us or 'popped in' since April/May! A couple of people we all know asked me in passing 'have you been in touch with them?' and I just said we have been too busy, and we really don't have that much in common, and we just sort of hung around when we first came here as we were both new, and now I have met lots more people, and so on....' People stopped asking about 3-4 months back.

It's such a relief to not have them texting and leaving messages, and I can go in the garden without worrying about them 'popping round.' DH agrees, as he was getting majorly irked with them too.

So anyway, we were writing our Christmas cards out yesterday, and DH said we should send them one! just so they know there's no hostility....

Am I being unreasonable to think we should NOT send one? We spent over a year trying to shake them off, and 7-8 months ago, they finally took the hint, and stopped bothering with us, and now DH wants to send them a flippin' Christmas card.

Does anyone think this is a bad/stupid idea?

Surely it's sending mixed messages? I do NOT want these 2 people back in my life/our lives!

WWYD?

I think you probably should have told him all that then, not just agreed and then gone behind his back. It just doesn't sound like a quite normal relationship from what I'm reading (sorry!).

@honeyroar

Yeah you are probably right that I should have told him all this, but really he should know! His emotional intelligence isn't great sometimes.

You're within your rights to think negatively of the relationship, but I am being honest when I say that it is fine most of the time, and HE is fine most of the time. And I am sure many women have way worse husbands and way worse marriages. And is there such a thing as a 'normal' relationship? Or a trouble-free one?

Thanks for your comments though. I do appreciate them.

I don't mean it as an insult. Everyone has iffy times in their relationship if they're honest. I certainly have.

I think you would benefit from some assertiveness training or therapy. It does sound as if you are a people pleaser and allowed the situation with this woman to go far to far for far too long. Why do you care so much what people in the village think of you? You only get one life and it could be over in an instant. Don’t waste anymore time thinking about this couple or what they may or may not think of you. It doesn’t fucking matter. Set boundaries for yourself on how you wish to be treated by friends. If friends cross the boundaries just say “This friendship doesn’t work for me anymore. Goodbye”. It’s that simple. No putting up with stuff for months and easing away. Just say it and it’s done. There’s no time in this life for this crap. You have every right to set boundaries and every right to say to your DH “No, I won’t do as you tell me”. And mean it.

I. Am. A. Gog

In our house this is the year of the Christmas Card Cull, but there were only ever people we actually liked on the list to start with. The cull has been people we haven't engaged with for the past five years unless we really, really, really like them. Some of them haven't been as brave, but someone has to be the first to end it.

@orangecarpet

I think you would benefit from some assertiveness training or therapy. It does sound as if you are a people pleaser and allowed the situation with this woman to go far to far for far too long.

Why do you care so much what people in the village think of you? You only get one life and it could be over in an instant. Don’t waste anymore time thinking about this couple or what they may or may not think of you. It doesn’t fucking matter.

Set boundaries for yourself on how you wish to be treated by friends. If friends cross the boundaries just say “This friendship doesn’t work for me anymore. Goodbye”. It’s that simple. No putting up with stuff for months and easing away. Just say it and it’s done. There’s no time in this life for this crap. You have every right to set boundaries and every right to say to your DH “No, I won’t do as you tell me”. And mean it.

Brilliant post thank you. And very helpful too. Some excellent advice. I just wish I could put it into practice!!! You are spot on that I am a people pleaser, and I do care what people think. I suspect it's because I come from a big family who were not the most affectionate, and were quite 'matter of fact, and I did find myself criticized quite a bit. So I tried very hard to please them and 'be liked' IYSWIM.

And also I was a bit chubby at school, and picked on because of it, so I struggled to make friends. And at school I would give sweets and crisps away to make people like me. (They didn't like me any more or less, they just took my sweets and told everyone that poppet was someone who gave lots of stuff away!)

So I think my insecurity and lack of assertiveness in my personal life goes back a long way. I am way way better than I was at school (and as a child/teen,) but still have assertiveness and insecurity issues, and worry about people disliking me and turning against me. I was bullied and ganged up on at school a few times, and although it's 30 odd years ago, I have this vision of it happening again. (Daft I know!) Not sure I can ever change. (God knows I wish I could!)

To be honest, I am quite assertive with DH sometimes, but I felt weak and vulnerable in this situation, because it was a sensitive situation because I was worried sick about igniting the shit with those 2 pillocks again!

I think if something like this comes up again, I will try and relay to him how much it is upsetting and worrying me. As I said, I don't think he quite gets how Sue and her behaviour and stalking and pestering affected me. I mean, I did mention it enough times, but it's like it never sunk in properly!

@honeyroar

I don't mean it as an insult. Everyone has iffy times in their relationship if they're honest. I certainly have.

Thank you. To be fair, I wasn't insulted, I was just attempting to explain myself!

In our house this is the year of the Christmas Card Cull, but there were only ever people we actually liked on the list to start with. The cull has been people we haven't engaged with for the past five years unless we really, really, really like them. Some of them haven't been as brave, but someone has to be the first to end it.

It is hard isn't it? And as I am a people pleaser (as orange said,) I would hate to be the first to do it.

Useless aren't I?

Update for anyone who is interested. :)

As you know, I pretended to take a Christmas card round to Sue and her husband, but did not take one, (and DH thinks I did...)

They did not send one to us..

I am not bothered or surprised.

I do wonder though, if they were sitting there thinking 'THEM two have been miserable and stand offish this past few months, so when they send a Christmas card, let's not send one to them!' Or if they were waiting to get one off us first.

Fact is though, that they seem to have got the message. No card from them. Massive relief for me. Great puzzlement from DH!

'Well I'm shocked they didn't send one back to us' he said with a frown. I said 'Well....They are obviously not bothered about us then are they?' ...

Then I said, 'well I have decided that anyone who hasn't sent one back this year doesn't get one next year - unless they send one to us first...' (I know I didn't send one to them but DH thinks I did...)

'Hmm yeah' he said 'except them two, as I want to be the bigger person.'

I said 'what is the point? We have nothing to do with them now, we don't like them, and they never sent a card, so why send a Christmas card to them next year? We won't have had anything to do with them for a year and a half then (hopefully!)'

He said ' I want to treat them the same as everyone else, so they can't slag us off.' I said 'why do you care?' He said 'well I want to be the bigger person and send them one so we are the better people.'

He is such a weirdo.

I said 'well if treating them the same as we treat others is what you want to do, then we shouldn't send them a card if they don't send us one, as that is what we are doing to everyone else who doesn't send one.''

He still insisted we should send them one next year. I mean whhhyyyyyy? Such odd behaviour, planning NOW to send one to them!

I am not going to tell him I didn't send one this Christmas, or say I won't next year, as he will probably do it himself. God I hope they move soon!

Pretty annoyed that the woman who randomly contacted me to see if I was OK, (and quizzed me about Sue,) has not been in touch again since. She clearly only contacted me because Sue told her to find out what was 'wrong' with me. I mean, she is friendly when I see her and says hello, but she never really contacts me 'just to see how I am.' So I am quite annoyed that she contacted me purely to peck my head about Sue.

You know real life is sometimes more weird than fiction!!!!

It sure is random!

I reckon just pretend forever that you've sent one

I will @random As I said, if I ever tell him I didn't send one, he will make sure he personally puts a card through their letterbox next year!

I just mean every year forever... if you ever bump into them it could be interesting though

Here's hoping they will have left the area next year.

Hmmm yeah, I am slightly concerned about that, but I can't imagine DH bumping into them in March, and saying 'did you get our Christmas card?' I mean, he has never said it before. So here's hoping!

@purplecorkheart

Yeah I really do hope they have left the area by next Christmas!

Otherwise I'm going to have to do the 'pretend I sent a card' thing again.

Stupid. And I still cannot fathom why he has such a bee in his bonnet about sending them one!