Managed to shake of possessive annoying friend, now DH is saying we should send a Christmas card!

[apoppetonastring]

Just that really!

We moved to this area some 3 years ago, (from 30 odd miles away) and another couple moved at the same time (a few weeks after us.)

We met them in the pub, and they seemed ok for a while, then got annoying very quickly. Nosey and irritating and moany. We found we had very little in common.

We were polite, and spoke to them when we saw them, and we would speak to them when they were at the pub, and we met at a couple of hobby groups. (We only went for the first 6 months we were here.)

But they kept over-stepping the mark; calling at our home unannounced, asking us to do stuff for them and give them lifts, and then moaning to others when we stopped answering their calls, and not answering the door.

So anyway, we finally managed to shake them, and they have not rang or texted us or 'popped in' since April/May! A couple of people we all know asked me in passing 'have you been in touch with them?' and I just said we have been too busy, and we really don't have that much in common, and we just sort of hung around when we first came here as we were both new, and now I have met lots more people, and so on....' People stopped asking about 3-4 months back.

It's such a relief to not have them texting and leaving messages, and I can go in the garden without worrying about them 'popping round.' DH agrees, as he was getting majorly irked with them too.

So anyway, we were writing our Christmas cards out yesterday, and DH said we should send them one! just so they know there's no hostility....

Am I being unreasonable to think we should NOT send one? We spent over a year trying to shake them off, and 7-8 months ago, they finally took the hint, and stopped bothering with us, and now DH wants to send them a flippin' Christmas card.

Does anyone think this is a bad/stupid idea?

Surely it's sending mixed messages? I do NOT want these 2 people back in my life/our lives!

WWYD?

He gets all angry and enraged about them and enjoys ranting and slagging them off with you. There’s something about this situation that he enjoys, for whatever weird reason.

Human nature can be odd. The problem is a) that it damages you because she (understandably) gets in your headspace and that makes you unhappy and b) that in his desire to prolong this madness he is controlling and bullying you without caring about the impact on you.

I think in this scenario all you can really do is hope it stays dormant and keep an alert eye out for this behaviour in him - and next time stamp on it even harder. Challenge and keep challenging empty assertions - eg ‘to show there’s no hostility’

Thanks @Mykingdomforbrie

As I said, I just cannot get my head round why he is doing it. I mean, maybe it is a control thing, but I don't know why he would want to deliberately do something that hurts or upsets me. I have done nothing to deserve it.

Upshot is, he sometimes loves to think his opinion is the correct one. And as I said earlier, maybe on some level, he thinks he has as much right to say 'we ARE sending a card,' as I do to say 'we are NOT sending a card!' Because he was bugged by them a bit too, and did stuff for them now and again, and sat there in the pub (with me) waiting like a tit, for them, when they turned up half hour late (him not at all, sometimes, just her!)

Although I was bugged and affected by them (her especially,) ten times more than he was! It was me she constantly badgered and mithered and gossiped about to other people in the village, who asked me what was 'wrong' with me.

And the point is, why the FUCK should we send them a Christmas card? There is no reason. Not one.

He gets all angry and enraged about them and enjoys ranting and slagging them off with you. There’s something about this situation that he enjoys, for whatever weird reason.

Yeah, he clearly enjoys something about all this, otherwise he wouldn't be trying to re-ignite it all. And as someone said earlier, (you maybe,) he acted in a slightly similar manner, when he said 'I can't be arsed with doing X, Y, and Z for them,' so I would say to them that he can't do it, and then he would go do it anyway! And then moan about it.

I mean maybe on some level he thinks he has as much right to an OPINION (not so much he has as much right to think we should send a card...)

Well yes he has a right to an opinion, and a right to send a card - signed from himself. He has no right to demand you send one or to write your name in one.

Yes it was me that said that - obviously he got something out of doing those chores for them, being put out by them. Whether he likes to be praised or he likes the drama of being angry/irritated or what it is - I don’t know him so I can’t tell, but there is something.

Your husband is worse than Sue.

No wonder she thought you were friends. When your husband was doing jobs for her he was probably acting like her bff. What a bellend he is.

Yeah I am not sure what it is either! But there is some bizarre reason why he wants to reignite stuff, and why he kept saying 'oh FFS I may as well go and do it!' (After saying he wasn't going to do something!)

Like I said earlier, I would say 'nnooooo, don't go!' and he would go anyway. Fucking annoying. It made it so hard to shake them off, and I did stop telling him they had messaged.

And even though we swore down to never go out with them again (at the start of this year,) a few weeks later, he said 'next time we meet them at the pub, WE will be the ones who are late.' I said 'what are you on about? We are not going out with them again, remember???' 'Well I am just saying!' he said!

And even if he thinks he DOES have a say on whether a card is sent/a right to an opinion, I think I have more right to decide as I was affected more by it than him. And my decision is no. I think if he sent one just from him, that would cause a shitstorm. So I think pretending I sent one (to stop him sending ANYthing,) was the best idea. (For me anyway.)

I know some won't agree.

You do have a point @amystiara I have no idea what my husband was playing at/still IS playing at!

'I think he enjoys drama, and the control, especially after saying 'can't wait to see their face when they open the card LOL.' '

Your dh sounds somewhat of a dick head to be honest.

The whole thing is slightly pathetic.

He is definitely behaving like a dickhead at the moment!

And yeah, it must be something to do with him enjoying the drama.

What he doesn't seem to 'get' is how it affects me.

Seems to me more like he's relishing in how much It does 'get to' you.

Well a part of him must not care about how I feel, or he wouldn't do it.

Sounds like a power trip - over you doing something you disagree with, them because he wants to "mess with their heads"

It's really nasty

He sounds a bit of a drama vampire, rather spiteful and not very pleasant.

Wow.

You have a serious husband problem. A weird neighbour problem - not so much.

I am not sure how I would handle this - it's enough to know perhaps that this is how he thinks. You can react appropriately now. I am not sure I'd tell him you didn't send a card. I'd want to see what his reaction would be once there was no reaction from them, if you see what I mean. I'd want to know exactly how bothered he was and whether he tried in some other way to find out about it, get a reaction, get in touch.

Super weird and not at all nice.

As it affects you - I guess it's possible that he really hadn't considered how much it stressed you out, but at some point you will get the opportunity I guess (either on your own initiative or in response to him bringing it up) to sit him down and spell out just how awful their contact was for you. And you should say as part of that how weird and upsetting you found his attitude over the card, how utterly strange and childish that made him look ... and that if there was ever a repeat, now that he KNOWS that you don't find it at all amusing, then the first thing you'd be doing is blocking their numbers after giving them his mobile and all contact details and a text saying that he wants all contact to go through him and that you are taking a break from socialising.

Well I would have done the same thing as you (ok i'll give them a card then rip it up) and I wouldn't tell DH ever unless specifically asked.

The only thing which might have been better would have been saying to you DH - ok, that's fine, write a card. Signed just from you, not from me or the kids, as it's not a card from me or them if we explicitly do NOT want you to send it. So yes DH, DO send a card, from just you to them reminding them of YOUR mobile number and YOU can deal with the fall out directly.

But don't feel at all bad about doing what you did, and I wouldn't bother telling him after the fact!

Has he shown this kind of behaviour before?

I understand that the neighbours are pushy, irritating and bothersome, not underhand or spiteful though?

Clearly they’ve wound him up more than you previously thought and he’s looking for some kind of weird pay back, odd behaviour.

Thanks for the responses again.

As has been suggested, I have decided to not tell him I never sent the card. I definitely didn't want him sending one only from him though. As I said, it would cause a shitstorm. My name would be mud in the village. And rightly or wrongly, I do care what people think.

As I said earlier, the woman who asked me several times if everything was ok between me and Sue, stopped asking, after I explained why I wasn't bothering with her so much, and she understood; so the last thing I want is to garner the wrath of the people in the village.

It's a small community, and my life will be uncomfortable if I come across as hostile (which I will if a Christmas card goes to them without my name on it!) I think simply not sending them would be better than sending one just from DH.

He doesn't normally behave like this, but he does have a tendency (occasionally,) to want to 'get revenge' on people if they have 'wronged him.'

It does still baffle me why he wants to send a card though. As I said (and a few other posters have said,) I think he is revelling in the drama, and 'keeping them dangling.' What he doesn't realise though is that it is ME who will bear the brunt of the hounding and hassling (from them) if we DID put a card through their door.

So glad I made the choice to not do it. And they haven't put one through our door - something DH has pointed out twice since he thought I put one through their door.

@HolyMountain

No the neighbours are not spiteful, (per se,) but they are a pain in the arse; badgering us, hounding us, using us for their convenience, turning up late (him not at all sometimes,) and asking inappropriate questions. And she had a tendency to be catty about other people (probably was about me behind my back!) So they are not particularly nice people.

Well maybe the fact that he’s narked they haven’t “reciprocated” the card is enough of a punishment for his bizarre behaviour! He’ll now think that there is hostility from them to you and it’ll probably piss him off and then he’ll wish you hadn’t sent one because now they’ve got the upper hand 😂😂

Hope this is the end of it for you, no one needs this kind of hassle.

@Angelf1sh

Well maybe the fact that he’s narked they haven’t “reciprocated” the card is enough of a punishment for his bizarre behaviour! He’ll now think that there is hostility from them to you and it’ll probably piss him off, and then he’ll wish you hadn’t sent one because now they’ve got the upper hand

Ha ha, that actually makes a lot of sense! And you're right (probably!!!)

@HolyMountain

Hope this is the end of it for you, no one needs this kind of hassle.

Thank you. I hope so too! Well doesn't look like they are gonna send one (and if they do and I see it first, I will hide it !!!)

Hopefully, when/if they don't send one, this will be the end of this behaviour (regarding them) for DH, as he will be pissed off they didn't send US a card.

He sounds a bit "Sleeping with the Enemy" insisting you send a card and dictating what you should write, then gloating about what their reaction would be. I wonder if he thinks it's even more amusing that you will get all the stress if there are any repercussions. If my husband insisted on doing something I was upset about it would have serious consequences and ruin our xmas (because I'd still be angry/upset he didn't have my back).

And can you be certain he won't ask them whether they got it when nothing happens and he doesn't get a reaction?

@honeyroar you do have a point, but he doesn't behave like this on a regular basis. I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him (maybe I am!) but we do have a good marriage, he is a good husband, (and father,) and I don't know why he is being like this.

I don't think he actually realises how much the (shit) relationship with Sue (and her DH) affected me, and just thinks she mithered me a bit. In actual fact, she was a PITA, she put me off going to my hobby groups and community things, and she gossiped about me to others. She was rude and obnoxious, she badgered me to take her places (like a hospital appointment that would have taken the whole day with travel, and the 3-4 hours in there,) and she sulked like a child and made a sarcastic remark when I said I couldn't do it.

In addition to this, she thought is was ok to turn up at my house uninvited (when DH was on shift work and had just got up!) And she thought it was ok to corner me in the community groups and moan for half an hour about her fucking part time job, preventing me from talking to anyone else, and making everyone think we were BFFs when I couldn't fucking stand her!

He knows all this, and he knows I am so relieved she has backed off, and he seemed as glad that they have backed off as I am, and yet he wants to send them a Christmas card. I don't think he realises how much him wanting to send one bugged me, and I suppose I didn't actually tell him it was bugging me so much. I mean, I did just say 'what is the point when we have nothing to do with them now?'(And I said little else really....)

I think if I had got upset and said 'PLEASE don't send one,' and had mentioned all the reasons I have put on this thread, he probably wouldn't have been so insistent. I mean, he isn't a monster, he is just a bit of a dick sometimes and likes to think he is always right. And he really did have a bee in his bonnet about sending a Christmas card to them. And I do not know why. Very odd.

@honeyroar you do have a point, but he doesn't behave like this on a regular basis. I know it sounds like I am making excuses for him (maybe I am!) but we do have a good marriage, he is a good husband, (and father,) and I don't know why he is being like this.

I don't think he actually realises how much the (shit) relationship with Sue (and her DH) affected me, and just thinks she mithered me a bit. In actual fact, she was a PITA, she put me off going to my hobby groups and community things, and she gossiped about me to others. She was rude and obnoxious, she badgered me to take her places (like a hospital appointment that would have taken the whole day with travel, and the 3-4 hours in there,) and she sulked like a child and made a sarcastic remark when I said I couldn't do it.

In addition to this, she thought is was ok to turn up at my house uninvited (when DH was on shift work and had just got up!) And she thought it was ok to corner me in the community groups and moan for half an hour about her fucking part time job, preventing me from talking to anyone else, and making everyone think we were BFFs when I couldn't fucking stand her!

He knows all this, and he knows I am so relieved she has backed off, and he seemed as glad that they have backed off as I am, and yet he wants to send them a Christmas card. I don't think he realises how much him wanting to send one bugged me, and I suppose I didn't actually tell him it was bugging me so much. I mean, I did just say 'what is the point when we have nothing to do with them now?'(And I said little else really....)

I think if I had got upset and said 'PLEASE don't send one,' and had mentioned all the reasons I have put on this thread, he probably wouldn't have been so insistent. I mean, he isn't a monster, he is just a bit of a dick sometimes and likes to think he is always right. And he really did have a bee in his bonnet about sending a Christmas card to them. And I do not know why. Very odd.