Managed to shake of possessive annoying friend, now DH is saying we should send a Christmas card!

[apoppetonastring]

Just that really!

We moved to this area some 3 years ago, (from 30 odd miles away) and another couple moved at the same time (a few weeks after us.)

We met them in the pub, and they seemed ok for a while, then got annoying very quickly. Nosey and irritating and moany. We found we had very little in common.

We were polite, and spoke to them when we saw them, and we would speak to them when they were at the pub, and we met at a couple of hobby groups. (We only went for the first 6 months we were here.)

But they kept over-stepping the mark; calling at our home unannounced, asking us to do stuff for them and give them lifts, and then moaning to others when we stopped answering their calls, and not answering the door.

So anyway, we finally managed to shake them, and they have not rang or texted us or 'popped in' since April/May! A couple of people we all know asked me in passing 'have you been in touch with them?' and I just said we have been too busy, and we really don't have that much in common, and we just sort of hung around when we first came here as we were both new, and now I have met lots more people, and so on....' People stopped asking about 3-4 months back.

It's such a relief to not have them texting and leaving messages, and I can go in the garden without worrying about them 'popping round.' DH agrees, as he was getting majorly irked with them too.

So anyway, we were writing our Christmas cards out yesterday, and DH said we should send them one! just so they know there's no hostility....

Am I being unreasonable to think we should NOT send one? We spent over a year trying to shake them off, and 7-8 months ago, they finally took the hint, and stopped bothering with us, and now DH wants to send them a flippin' Christmas card.

Does anyone think this is a bad/stupid idea?

Surely it's sending mixed messages? I do NOT want these 2 people back in my life/our lives!

WWYD?

How did it go? Did you get away with not delivering the card?

One thing I did notice (being) is that it doesn’t actually hurt to say to a third party if someone is being weird to you?

You’re not bitching for the sake of it, you’re protecting yourself.

“I found her a manipulative bully and I don’t enjoy spending time with her, I’ve been trying to detach for a while”

She and her husband aren’t some “simple not very socially skilled types” who deserve sympathy - they’re controlling, passive aggressive bullies.

You don’t need to be loud and obnoxious to be a bully.

Some of my worst social experiences have been with people who kind of get me to feel sorry for them, then lose their shit when I try to detach?

Hey all.

Update. It's long, sorry.........

So I went and popped some neighbours cards through the doors Monday night whilst DH was in the shower, and when me and he were having a coffee in town yesterday, he said 'did you put a card through Sue and her hubby's door?'

I said 'er no.' He looked quite surprised. 'WHY?' he asked indignantly! 'Well why should we,' I said, 'we have had nothing to do with them for most of the year, we have been trying to shake them off for about 10 months, you can't stand them, they were always late, he never turned up half the time, she is annoying, they are pushy and inappropriate and irritating, they only bothered with us when it was convenient for them, and we can't bear them....so why send a card?'

He looked bizarrely irritated and said 'To show there is no HOSTILITY.' with a kind of look. I said 'but we speak to them when we see them and say hello in passing, so surely that is enough to show there is 'no hostility?' (I know a pp said we HAVE been a bit hostile by not being friendly, but I just went with this anyway...)

Anyway, he said 'I told you to send them one!' with another look.

I can NOT get my head around why he wants to send them one. I mean, FFS, as I said, he can't stand them (and neither can I,) and he got sick of them and found them super annoying, we never ever contact them now, and he (and I) swore to never go out with them again, and now he is insisting on sending them a fucking Christmas card.

I said 'it seems daft to send them one because we are simply not friends, and can't stand them.' He seemed so annoyed because HE said we should send one and I didn't send one. I think he is irked because I 'went against' what he said. He does think he knows best sometimes. One of his annoying traits.

'Well then!' he said (with an annoyed tone,) I'll write one out and go and pop it in their letterbox myself.

I was like 'whyyy?' He said 'so we are treating them the same as everyone else and they know there is no hostility.' (I am gonna fucking murder him if I hear the words 'no hostility' one more fucking time! )

Thing is, what he doesn't get, is that I am the one who is going to get hounded and badgered and bugged by texts and visits by her. She will start blathering to the women in the neighbourhood again, (about me,) and asking me to go out for a drink with her again, and telling me to ask DH to go out with her and her DH for a meal again, and she will keep messaging me to see if I can take her to appointments, and she will be following me around the village hobby groups and so on, and texting to say 'I'm coming for a walk now, shall I pop in?'

DH never got bothered hardly; it was me who bore the brunt, so I feel it should be MY decision if they get a card or not. And my decision is fucking NO! I do NOT want that fucking woman back in my life again, and back in face, and back in my headspace!

I have no clue what he is thinking, and why he is so, so, so insistent on sending these 2 twats a fucking CARD.

So anyway, I said 'oh for fuck's sake, if you absolutely insist, I will write one out and pop it through their letterbox. I have another 4 or 5 to write and send. I will do it later and walk round and pop it in their letterbox. But only when it's dark; I don't want them seeing me.'

'Yeah, make sure you do that,' he said.

So I wrote a card out ...He said 'make sure you put it from poppet, mr poppet and both the kids AND say Merry Christmas, have a lovely festive season, lots of good wishes, and happy new year.' And he said put kisses and a smiley face and all sorts of wanky bollocks

'THERE,' he said, 'they will know we are not hostile now and bear no grudges.' (WHAT THE FUCK???)

Right then, I said, you get the kettle on and get the cappuccino ready and open the quality street, and I will be 15 minutes.

Then - last night - I walked around the village (for the amount of time it would take to go to their house and back,) and I ripped the card and envelope up into 50 pieces and shoved it deep into one of the village bins (At 8am today the binmen came!)

I went home. 'did they see you when you posted it through their letterbox?' he said. 'No, the house was quiet and dark but the car was there, they must have been at the back' I lied...

'Ha ha, I can't WAIT to see their face when they get it' he said smirking. It will really mess with their minds; coz like, we are showing no hostility.' (kill me now!) 'and they will wonder why we sent one.'

What the actual fuck? What is wrong with him? Serious question...

I just hope we don't bump into them before Christmas, in case he asks them if they got the card ok.

I possibly didn't do the right thing but I felt horribly cornered and almost bullied a bit I really feel I had no choice as he was going to write a card out and post it through their letterbox himself! No matter what I said, he had this bee in his bonnet about giving them a Christmas card. I do not know why. He is really not usually this bad; I do not know what has got into him. But the upshot is that I pretended I had taken a card and I didn't, and he thinks I have, and is quite smug about it, and revelling in how it will 'freak them out!'

Just thought I would update you all. Be kind. I know it won't be easy for you

Your husband is as weird as them

Jeez :/

Your husband is a drama queen. He doesn’t want them to stop trying. He doesn’t want them out of your lives. He deliberately prolonged their attentions to you by going against what you said and doing all those jobs for them - he did that because he likes the praise etc.

You say he can’t stand them - not true. If he couldn’t stand them he would, like you, desperately want them to be out of his life and would make every effort to avoid their company. Instead he made you look like a dock after you said he was busy by going round anyway.

The reason you can’t understand his behaviour is because it doesn’t accord with what he is telling you - ergo what he is telling you isn’t true. He wants to reignite the drama by sending them a card.

I would be very very angry with his behaviour. You are the one impacted by this, you are the one who feels violated and haunted by this woman. I don’t blame you at all for pretending to send a card but you’re right - he has bullied you and that is very seriously not ok.

*like a dick

Jeez OP, what do you do when you have a real problem?

I think I would have told him I'd be wanted to send a card he could do it and it could only be from him not me - and see how he reacted then.

I agree he likes the drama. That's the only explanation i can think of.

I'd be seriously annoyed!

*if he wanted

Golly, apoppet, seems you're a weirdo magnet, first your husband and now this couple ...

He’s a fucking idiot.

Couldn’t you have put the card from him and him only, then you could have left them all to it?

And what the fuck is all this “you will write a card to them” bollocks? Is he unable to do anything for himself?

DH sounds like a pain in the arse. I'd tell him I'm not sending them a card, that's final, and if he sent one, there bloody well would be HOSTILITY - between me and him. Why would he want to do something which will cause you problems and upset?

If you hear from them, tell them to call DH and give them his mobile number. Every contact from them pass on to him.
I would feel so angry in your shoes. If he wanted to send a card from him, fine but forcing you to put your name to it - so wrong.

how odd

He told you to send them one? He TOLD you to? He is, like, the boss and what he says goes? There'd be a bit of hostility under my own roof if someone tried to pull that managerial shit.

Oh, and totally what anniegetyourgun said.

So actually he is down right nasty and wants to gaslight them...

I cannot believe you H dictated what you must do just as @Anniegetyourgun said.

What are your DHs parents like; look at them because they are likely to be the self same. He is likely to be very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing. I do wonder if his own father bullied his mother like this too.

I don’t like the sound of your husband. Not only does he sound like a bullying shit towards you, but it turns out this whole thing was just to mess with their heads (“I can’t wait to see their faces...they’ll wonder why we sent it”). Hopefully he won’t bump into them and ask about the card but if he does, If I were you (—I wouldn’t have done it and wouldn’t be married to that utter prick—) I’d forward every text or email that you get from this woman in response so that he can experience the barrage too.

Hi again, It's a long post again. Sorry. You have no IDEA how much all this is helping me! (Ranting on here and getting your responses!) I appreciate them all, honestly.... Thank you!

And yes you all have valid points. I know you probably think I am just saying it, but he is actually ok most of the time, and is a decent husband, and I could do a lot worse, and I am no picnic! And we do get on/have a laugh/have a good marriage etc... (Most of the time!)

Howeverrrrr, he does have a bit of a bossy side occasionally, and does have a tendency to do stuff even if I don't want to/would prefer not to. Like he thinks he is right. He is a pretty good husband, but this behaviour pisses me off. And this situation with this couple is very annoying.

Re his dad, he was a huge misogynist and always thought he was right, and bossed his mom about. She was quite feisty, but his dad was a nob head sometimes. DH is a BIT like this occasionally - mostly not though thank God.

Anyway, if he had insisted on sending the card himself, and hadn't believed I had sent it, then I would have done as you said, and sent his mobile number to them, and his work number too, and changed my mobile phone number. (They don't have our landline number thank fucking fuck!) Then HE could have dealt with them. It would still have impacted on me though, as I am involved more in things in the village,

@catwoozle

DH sounds like a pain in the arse. I'd tell him I'm not sending them a card, that's final, and if he sent one, there bloody well would be HOSTILITY - between me and him. Why would he want to do something which will cause you problems and upset?

I don't KNOW. It's really annoying catwoozle. It's like (as a few people have said,) he is revelling in the drama, and keeping them 'dangling' - 'Oooo, I can't wait to see their faces when they get the card!' What cunty behaviour. I don't know what is wrong with him!

I am annoyed he dictated to me too. Despite me saying 'whyyyy? WHY would you want to send them one when we have spent SO long shaking them off?' I explained I was worried it might give them the wrong idea, and mixed messages and so on, but he just ranted and said 'OK, then I will put it through the door myself if you don't.'

So I said 'oookkayyyyy then! I will post one through!' (PURELY to stop him doing it.)

This is not good I know, and I think a few weeks after Christmas, I am tempted to tell him I never posted it through. When he says 'WHY?' I will say 'why do you fucking THINK? Because I didn't want those 2 twats back in our lives, and HER hounding me every day! And if I had not pretended to do it, YOU would have put one through!

@mikingdomforbrie

Your husband is a drama queen. He doesn’t want them to stop trying. He doesn’t want them out of your lives. He deliberately prolonged their attentions to you by going against what you said and doing all those jobs for them - he did that because he likes the praise etc.

You say he can’t stand them - not true. If he couldn’t stand them he would, like you, desperately want them to be out of his life and would make every effort to avoid their company. Instead he made you look like a dick after you said he was busy by going round anyway.

The reason you can’t understand his behaviour is because it doesn’t accord with what he is telling you - ergo what he is telling you isn’t true. He wants to reignite the drama by sending them a card.

I would be very very angry with his behaviour. You are the one impacted by this, you are the one who feels violated and haunted by this woman. I don’t blame you at all for pretending to send a card but you’re right - he has bullied you and that is very seriously not ok.

All of this ^ thank you. I completely agree. He IS revelling in the drama, and he DOES seem to want to keep them dangling on a string by keeping a modicum of contact, and keeping them wondering and hanging on, like taunting and teasing. It's like he likes the control and power or something. He claims to dislike them, yet wants to send a Christmas card FFS!

I can't stand them, and got really stressed with the constant hounding from them, and I was actually put off going to various hobby groups and stuff in the village because of them, (her especially!) and I am SO relieved they have backed right off, so I have no INTENTION of sending them a Christmas card! Yet although he claims to dislike them, he still wants to send a Christmas card to them. 'To show there is no hostility' my fucking arse.

As has been said, he just want to taunt them and keep the drama going, as him saying 'cannot wait to see their face' proves. But in doing this (childish and mean) act, he is dragging me back down again, into being harassed by them again (her especially.) And yes, he did make me feel like a tit when I said he was too busy to help them, and he said 'I may as well go to shut them up!'

I am so glad I never put the card through the letterbox, but hope to fuck we don't bump into them before Christmas. And I really do feel tempted to tell him in about a month, that I didn't do it. Then again, next time he will make sure he does it himself, so maybe not!

Thanks for all your posts.

Just wanted to add that I think he has it in his head (maybe,) that HE was involved with getting hounded a little bit by them too, and got hounded to do stuff for them, so he thinks his choice to send a card, is as valid as my choice to NOT send one.

Having said that, it still makes fuckall sense, when we have had nothing to do with them at ALL for 9-10 months, and have just said hello in passing several times, and he got as angry about their lateness and Sue's husband not turning up, and using my DH for their convenience, as I did!

WHY DID YOU WRIFE A CARD JUST BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU TO? Why say "ok I will if you insist" rather than "if you want them to have a card, you fucking write it?

Oh and block her phone number. That's easy to do.

WHY DID YOU WRITE A CARD JUST BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU TO? Why say "ok I will if you insist" rather than "if you want them to have a card, you fucking write it?

The reason I did it @whiskey2014 is because I knew if I didn't 'pretend' to write one and post it through their door, he definitely would have done it instead. And there is no way in hell I wanted them to have one. No way!

You said to say to him: "if you want them to have a card, you fucking write it?" but if you read my posts again, he did actually SAY he was going to write one and send one, but I didn't want him to! Because I flat out did not want them to have one off us.

As I said, I have spent the entire year trying to shake them off, and seem to have finally done it, as they have not been in touch for 4-5 months, and other people (we both know) have stopped badgering me about it, and if I send a card, they will think I/we want to be 'mates' again! It's a fucking stupid idea to send a card. But for some reason, he is insistent on it!

My husband is acting like an idiot, wanting to send them a card. As a few people have said, and I agree with them, I think he enjoys drama, and the control, especially after saying 'can't wait to see their face when they open the card LOL.'

WHY DID YOU WRITE A CARD JUST BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU TO? Why say "ok I will if you insist" rather than "if you want them to have a card, you fucking write it?

The reason I did it @whiskey2014 is because I knew if I didn't 'pretend' to write one and post it through their door, he definitely would have done it instead. And there is no way in hell I wanted them to have one. No way!

You said to say to him: "if you want them to have a card, you fucking write it?" but if you read my posts again, he did actually SAY he was going to write one and send one, but I didn't want him to! Because I flat out did not want them to have one off us.

As I said, I have spent the entire year trying to shake them off, and seem to have finally done it, as they have not been in touch for 4-5 months, and other people (we both know) have stopped badgering me about it, and if I send a card, they will think I/we want to be 'mates' again! It's a fucking stupid idea to send a card. But for some reason, he is insistent on it!

My husband is acting like an idiot, wanting to send them a card. As a few people have said, and I agree with them, I think he enjoys drama, and the control, especially after saying 'can't wait to see their face when they open the card LOL.'