Betrayed...Not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

[SweetBerries]

Hi all,

I’m prepared for a pasting here to be honest but I’m in a situation in my head and I think I need outside input.

Myself and my baby’s partner separated at the start of the year. I dated a few guys and then met someone who I clicked with instantly. We were amazing together and eventually got into a relationship. It was very intense and we fell in love very quickly. Everything just felt perfect and for the first time in decades, after such a long time of hating myself (history of eating disorders) I felt like a human being again.

Then he broke it off. Very suddenly. He said he was still in love with me and his feelings for me hadn’t changed, but he was in a situation with his mental health and finances and he didn’t think he could cope with a relationship. Like a fool, I believed him and accepted it with a lot of tears.

A week later he was back on Tinder. He said his ego was low and he needed boosting. Again, I just believed him. I still held out hope if he felt that way about me, that we could try again somewhere down the line.

After we broke up I lost my appetite and my anorexia started to return. I was blaming myself as I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was looking for someone better on Tinder and it was all to do with my appearance. 3 weeks after the break up, we started sleeping together again. He repeatedly told me he loved me or I wouldn’t have done it...it gave me hope. He still said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone, and that it was just two people who loved each other, showing that to each other via sex. Again, I just lapped it up.

4 days after the last time we slept together and he kissed me goodbye, he was in a new relationship with someone else. He met her via the friends who advised him to break up with me to begin with.

Whilst I realise we were not together, he now says he only told me he loved me and slept with me to try and help me get through my relapse. He should have been ‘clearer’ with me, he says.

I’m now deeply in the throes of anorexia and I’m in pieces. I can’t stop thinking about them together. He wants to be friends and to help me through my eating disorder, but he is the trigger for it to begin with - I’ve been well over 10 years.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but he’s moved on. I don’t know whether I should feel wronged or like an idiot for believing anything he told me. He considers this new girl ‘better’ than me and says it ‘just happened’...I can’t get past it all in my head and move forward.

Can anyone offer me ANY advice with any of this? Everything hurts :( xx

We just got on so well. All the same likes, dislikes, views on everything.

That's not love or an ideal partner - it's someone telling you what you want to hear (for obvious reasons). I'm sure every woman he's been with would say exactly the same thing

One day you'll fall for someone who doesn't agree with everything you say, and you'll find them a lot more interesting. That's real love.

You don't know his therapist said that though. You do know he's not above telling lies to get his own way, so he could be lying about this too.

We just got on so well. All the same likes, dislikes, views on everything This is very common with these kind of relationships. These men are like water; they assume the form of the woman they're targeting. It makes you feel that your connection is special and rare, and you'll never get it again. But it's not real. This man is a con man, except he defrauds women of time and attention, rather than money. He is doing what con men do. Parroting your ideas and words back at you, to gain your trust.

I think it would be more helpful to just assume he is lying about everything, rather than trying to unpick what's true, and what's nonsense.

That's not love or an ideal partner - it's someone telling you what you want to hear (for obvious reasons). I'm sure every woman he's been with would say exactly the same thing

Great minds! And it's true - you probably would have got bored with him agreeing with you all the time very quickly.

These men are like water; they assume the form of the woman they're targeting. It makes you feel that your connection is special and rare, and you'll never get it again. But it's not real. This man is a con man

Exactly. I've met plenty of these types and they are boring bastards. That's their personality - looking for gullible women then telling them exactly what they want to hear. Rinse and repeat ad nauseam.

OP you've escaped a fate worse than death: boredom. Time to celebrate!

He hasn’t told the truth and still isn’t. Beleive me he’s just trying to tell you what you want to hear and he wants you to feel sorry for him.

Chances are he made out he likes all the things you like and all the places you like because that’s what these men do (my ex did the same), they do it to make you think they are the ideal man. My ex showed interest in everything I did, wanted to go wherever I wanted to go, I thought he was the perfect partner when all along it was just one big show put on to get me into bed, to win me over.

If you do happen to bump into him and his girls friend don’t get upset, I would actually feel sorry for her because he will do exactly the same to her as he has done to you because people like this do not change.

I actually texted him a couple of days ago to tell him where I was going to be all day - not because I wanted to see him, but because I didn’t want him to come anywhere near. Apparently (he said last night) his therapist has told him to ‘protect himself’ from me, which I suppose goes to show that he hasn’t told them the full truth of the situation

I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable here. He’s your ex and it’s not his job to stay away from places that you are planning to be. ( I’m assuming it’s not your workplace or his).

If I received a text like that from my ex I’d take it as a threat ( don’t be in these places because I will be there ). Or a plea to meet him ( please come here to meet up with me ).

Either way it’s stalkerish and I’m not surprised that his therapist says he needs protection.

I’m sorry to have to say this, because I feel very much for you and know that you are hurting a great deal.

But this is a fairly short term relationship , I’m guessing 6 months - you say you stated dating him In the spring and ended in ? October . Is that right ?

He’s now your ex but you are expecting him to take on some sort of responsibility for your health and well being now . You want him to acknowledge that he has made you ill again. You expect him to act in your best interests even when you can’t do that yourself.

From what you have written he didn’t do that when you were together so he’s not going to do it now. Even if he could, which I very much doubt.

You need to do what everyone here has advised you and block him from all platforms . You cannot be friends. I don’t think he has it in him ( to be a good friend ) and anyway he’s cheating on his current GF.

And it’s not going to work for you at all. You are demeaning yourself by having pity sex with him when you know he doesn’t care for you. That’s not going to make you feel better about yourself or help you get well.

You are trying to show him how Unwell you are and it’s all his fault to guilt trip him into coming back to you. That wrong , I’m sure you know it deep down.

You are in danger of becoming obsessed by him and that’s not going to help your recovery and ultimately could be a risk to your LO.

Please stop contacting him in any way whatsoever. For your own sake as well as his.

There is lots of support here on the NC threads as well as here on your own thread. You are not the first person to feel like this and others can and will help you.

Just caught up on your thread, you are a brave, strong, intelligent woman. Keep posting , this place helped me ( a few NC ' s ago) through the hardest time in my life.

Kr1st1na, I just wanted to point out that I didn’t ask him to stay away. He asked me what I was up to and I told him where I was. I knew he was with his girlfriend and around the area and I knew he wouldn’t go where I was if he knew I was there. I just wanted a peaceful day. I definitely didn’t tell him to stay away from me. I would never do that as like you say, it’s a threat. I told him I would be there all day reading and seeing a film. And that was it. So there was definitely no invitation to meet me.

I’m not trying to guilt trip him into coming back to me at all. I know he isn’t. I want him to know how bad he’s made me feel but I think he already does know it. His actions have had consequences and now he’s been blocked they are mine alone to deal with.

I know this is risking becoming harmful to my DS with how I feel, and that’s why I’ve blocked him. I just needed the support to do it, as i do love him and it’s very hard when someone you love is trying to keep contact with you and you know it can’t happen.

I’m not stalking him in any way. He’s blocked on FB and I have no idea who his girlfriend is. I’m sure I could find out if I wanted to, but I don’t. It won’t help me.

I hope this explains it a little better. I’m sorry if I’ve come across as anything other than feeling lost. I’m not predatory or anything like that, I’m just sick and low.

Just to echo what others have already said: the first few weeks will be the hardest. Keep posting on here and asking for support. Many women have been through this, with men like him, so they know how you're feeing. One day you will look back and see you had a lucky escape, though it probably doesn't feel that way now.

When I left an abusive relationship I got involved with a man like the one you're describing. He dropped me very abruptly and I was absolutely distraught. I took me six months to get over him, and then a further six moths to get over the relationship, and its fallout, if that makes sense?

Everyone, but everyone, said to me 'you will be glad one day.' I thought they couldn't possibly understand how I was feeling. But they were right. Men like this make people miserable. And the women they latch onto long term are to be pitied, not envied.

Just to follow up he is literally blocked on every platform now. I won’t be unblocking him. We will not speak again. I haven’t mentioned my illness at all in my last message to him. That is now mine to conquer no matter how it started.

I feel relieved now but I’m going to feel awful later. I know I will.

I hate the idea that anyone thinks I’m trying to guilt trip this man into coming back to me. Initially I just wanted him to understand the consequences of his actions towards me but like you all said, he never will. So I have to continue without his ‘friendship’. The one he wants. NC starts this morning so I’m going to need support I guess.

Thankyou all for getting me this far. Even when people have been brutally honest as they see it, it’s still pushed me in the right direction. X

Well done. You will feel better for it in a few days.

No one who has been through this will think that. Trying to make him realise the damage he has done is part of the process. But you can't make men like this feel bad about their behaviour. They will always find a way to exonerate themselves.

Just file him away as a lost cause, and concentrate on your and your son. In six months' time, you'll see him the way we do. And you'll be glad you didn't waste any more energy on him.

I don’t think your guilt tripping but you do need to understand that ‘letting him know how your feeling’ won’t make any difference, he will just try and trump it with something else, he doesn’t care how you are feeling, he doesn’t care about your illness, he cares about himself and getting his leg over, so your wasting your time trying to tell him because of he cared in the first place you wouldn’t be feeling like this.

Love, Frederica - I know he doesn’t care. The conversation last night made me realise that in even clearer detail. He’s got what he wants and that’s it. It isn’t me. I’m just debris left in his wake that he wants to keep friendly in order to, as you say, exonerate himself. So I sent him a brief message saying he had treated me like dirt and that I had tried to feel like he cared in order to ‘remain friends’ but I just didn’t. And it would be the last time we would speak. Then I blocked him. In time I will forget his number and he will be a part of my past. I don’t want him back. I couldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. And I’m pretty weak right now, so that’s not far at all!

I hope nobody thinks badly of me for any of this. It’s a process I’ve had to work through in circumstances (with the anorexia) that are almost impossible. But I’ve done the first part. Now I’m just very, very sad. If he shows the message to his friends, that’s fine. If he bins the Christmas presents for his children, that’s on him. But it’s not my job to worry about that. Even if I will. X

You have indeed come across and very lost and distressed. I know you are unwell which is why I am concerned about you. And I’m sure other posters are as too. There are many wise and kind women on these boards.

I am trying to help, honestly. I am not judging you. Many of us have done things we regret after the end of a relationship.

I’m sure that you don’t intend anything bad towards him, but you do want him to feel guilty about his behaviour and to acknowledge he was wrong in some way.

I want him to know how bad he’s made me feel but I think he already does know it

It’s only natural to feel like this but you you need to let this go because it’s a no win situation for you.

If he says “ yes I realise that you are hurt by my behaviour “ then you will think “ Great, he is a good person who does still care about me . Maybe if we can keep talking we will still be friends and have no strings sex sometimes “.

If he says “yes I realise that you are hurt but I don’t think Ive done anything wrong, I just ended our short relationship “ then you will think “oh I need to tell him more about how unwell I am so he gets it. If he know how much I am suffering it will prove I love him and he will come back.”

If he says “ yes I realise you are hurt but it’s not my problem anymore, goodbye “ then you will be even more devastated because you will think he’s a heartless bastard .

Can I ask again how long did you actually date him for ?

Because as far as I can see from your posts, you dated for a while, then he dumped you. Then he got back in touch and you slept with him a few times and he was clear that he wasn’t wanting a relationship with you.

He’s now said that he only did it because he could see how unwell / upset you were. And you’ve now exchanged texts as friends.

So he has been honest with you all along, is that right ? You chose to have sex with him knowing that it was just sex and nothing else? And he’s been clear that you are now just friends. He knows you are ill and thinks that he is helping you get better .

Is that correct?

I’m sorry but I don’t think you have been betrayed , as you say in you OP.
I’m afraid that lots of men will act like this and have sex with an ex if it’s offered, no strings attached.

It’s selfish and unkind ( given that you are unwell ) but it’s very common. You were both single ( or he was in a very new relationship) and consenting adults.

I’m sorry if I’ve missed or misunderstood anything. But I don’t think that making a big drama out of this is necessarily helping you get well.

I get that you were very invested in the relationship very quickly and that it was very intense . And now you are devastated . Your feelings for him are very real and I don’t mean to put them or you down in any way.

I’m glad you have blocked him and hope that you are managing to eat little and often. Who in RL is supporting you at this time? What friends and family support do you have ?

Are you working or at college /training and do they know you are unwell?

Sorry I hadn’t refreshed the thread and see now that you have posted you don’t want him back . I’m glad to read that .

I hope nobody thinks badly of me for any of this. It’s a process I’ve had to work through in circumstances (with the anorexia)

Well I don’t and I don’t think anyone else does at all. Many of us have been there after a break up and it’s very tough. And that’s without the ED issue as well, which makes it even harder to think clearly.

We just want the best for you, which is for you to be healthy and happy and able to care for your beautiful child.

Hi Kr1st1na :)

We dated for around 4 months. I realise how short a time that is but we booked a holiday and I was going to meet his children. We had so many plans. I realise looking back perhaps it was very fast, but I’d never met anyone like him before. Respectful, hilarious and gorgeous. Then he dumped me saying he needed to be on his own for a very long time because of his mental health and life situation.

I accepted that. It turned out to be a lie. Men lie, women lie. I get this. But the fact that he perpetuated that lie to sleep with me until he found someone he DID want, is the thing that has upset me. I knew he didn’t want A relationship. But he swore he didn’t want any relationship at all. Not just one with me. And that he still loved me, and that’s why we were sleeping together. I accept now (because he’s told me) that this was all a lie. I was vulnerable and just believed him. Yes, I should have seen through it. But how often do we do that, I guess, when we are in the moment.

I feel a little from what you are saying like I should have just accepted being his friend because he hadn’t done anything wrong to me. I don’t think that’s what you’re trying to say, though. I think what you’re saying is that this isn’t too unusual I guess.

Anyway it’s done now. The drama is over. He gets on with his life as he was anyway and I somehow have to pick up the pieces of mine.

Anorexia is an EVIL disease .Im not a religious person but when I see perfectly attractive young women starving themselves so that they look like skeletons ,it seems that something evil is afoot.
This man will never make anybody happy because ultimately he is selfish.He will make some women content for a while but eventually his true nature will be revealed .Depending on the circumstances the poor women will be trapped because of finances or children or she will boot him out.Selfish people always want more ,you have had a lucky escape.
After my uncle died my mother took to drink.It was heartbreaking to see her doing something that was so obviously making her unhappy(she used to cry when drinking).She found the strength to give it up and spent the last years of her life as a contented grand mother.
The drink made her unhappy yet she craved it and Anorexia makes you unhappy yet you need to do it -surely this evil at work.
I hope you find the strength to win this battle so that you and your baby find contentment.

I feel a little from what you are saying like I should have just accepted being his friend because he hadn’t done anything wrong to me. I don’t think that’s what you’re trying to say, though. I think what you’re saying is that this isn’t too unusual I guess

You are right, I’m not saying you should be his friend. I agree with everyone else that you should do NC. And it’s great that you have.

I’m NOT saying that he’s done nothing wrong. I think it was selfish and unkind of him to sleep with you after he had ended it. But I’m not sure if that makes him a monster.

I think it’s common for people ending relationships to lie about the reason. They think it’s easier and kinder to say “ it’s not you it’s me, I need to be alone because of X reason. “

Because if they are honest and say “ it’s not me, it’s you, I don’t want to date you anymore “ then the other person usually asks for reasons that they think are acceptable, argues and promises to change.

So it’s easier to say some version of “ I’m not ready to be in a relatiohsip right now”.

I don’t blame you for having sex with him after you split up. Many MANY of us have done that. We think “ if he can just remember how good we were together ....”.

But 99% of the time we just feel worse and used. Yes of course you believed him, most of us would do the same. You loved and trusted him.

But you were vulnerable . Which is why we are all saying NC and I know you have taken this good advice.

Do you have RL support from family friends and colleagues?

Have you managed to eat today and avoid any exercising ?

Ferando - I will beat it, I have to for my boy. I had to go no contact with this guy because it was reminding me constantly of the lies I believed and how little I was worth to him. Which made me feel worthless in general.

Kr1st1na - I don’t think he’s a monster, I just don’t think he’s a good person. And he’s no feminist that’s for sure. I was careful not to mention the anorexia or his new relationship in my last message to him, as he was technically entitled to start a new relationship whenever he wanted to. That wasn’t the issue, the issue is the lies that he used on me beforehand and I have no doubt would have continued to use had he not met his GF. He used me. Despite saying it ‘wasn’t just sex’ and that he ‘still loved me’. I had told him I had been raped and if it was ‘just sex’ I didn’t want to do it. He assured me it was not. And as for mentioning the anorexia, he knows. I didn’t need to keep throwing that at him because it would make me look pathetic.

I hope some of this is beginning to make clearer why it’s upset me so much but regardless, I’m in NC now. Maybe what it took to get me here doesn’t matter. I haven’t eaten today as I’m super anxious but I am just in the house, lying in bed. I will do chores etc later and put the decs up for DS when he comes home. I just miss him already, but I miss what we was to me, not what he became x

Oh and yes, my friends have been supportive and I decided to tell my colleagues last night that I have anorexia but will beat it and be back at work soon. It just makes it easier than turning up like a skeleton when I do go back, to lots of questions.

I don’t think he’s a monster, I just don’t think he’s a good person. And he’s no feminist that’s for sure. I was careful not to mention the anorexia or his new relationship in my last message to him, as he was technically entitled to start a new relationship whenever he wanted to. That wasn’t the issue, the issue is the lies that he used on me beforehand and I have no doubt would have continued to use had he not met his GF. He used me. Despite saying it ‘wasn’t just sex’ and that he ‘still loved me’. I had told him I had been raped and if it was ‘just sex’ I didn’t want to do it. He assured me it was not. And as for mentioning the anorexia, he knows

You are so right.

Read YOUR OWN WORDS and see how far you have come since Thursday , just a few days ago, when you still wanted to be friends with him.

You are getting some perspective on things and that will help you get stronger.

And you are smart enough to reach out for support in RL too.

I’m proud of you ! please go and have a little nibble of something high calories and do the same again in an hour. You need some energy for when your LO comes home.

I’m gonna have some ramen when I can muster the strength to get out of bed. It’s not exactly high calorie but it tends to stay down and that’s the goal.

Thankyou. I’m so glad you understand where I’m coming from with this. The rape was awful. Being choked by my last ex was worse. But I’ve never felt as low as I have with this. Because of trust. I didn’t trust either of those men but after all that, I trusted this one. Isn’t it odd how sometimes men can do the worst things to our bodies, but our minds are the one thing that overcomes us?

You’re right, though. I have come a long way. There is a massive part of me screaming out to apologise to him and beg to be friends, but I’m not going to do it. Because he did do these things. And he isn’t a good person. At all. And I have plenty of friends and family who love me and want me to beat this. I’ve taken back my power by ending this business and now I have to recover. Just not really sure how that’s going to work at the moment but one hour at a time.

You’re all inspiring. Beyond inspiring. I hope one day I can give advice to women in this situation and tell them as you have that I’m in the right place and doing the right thing. X

Glad you've gone NC - anything else just drags out the pain and drama.

It sounds like you both have a lot of issues really. He is a self harmer and was still actively self harming whilst you were together you say. I think it's natural to bond with people who also have/have a history of issues but it can also be a pretty disastrous mix of intensity and somehow feeling fixed by finding one another.

I hope you can focus on getting well and building up resilience for yours and your sons sake and hopefully when you are ready to date again you will be drawn to people who are healthier than this guy.

He's a self harmer who needs to go on tindr to feel good about himself and needs to keep a string of women around him. He's not healthy at all. I'd say get healthy and strong yourself and then look for healthy and strong people to be involved with.

Thankyou. I wasn’t sick at all when we were together. I was in the best place I’d ever been, really. But that was because I was happy I had found him and for our future which looked so amazing. Then it all came falling down. And then the lies. So I must not have been in a place to be happy on my own.

I’m struggling with NC and it’s only been a few hours. Full of regret and for some reason wanting to be friends again even though I’m aware he won’t want to now and that neither should I. I’m looking for threads to help but not seeing any. Not sure whether to start a new one or to leave this running...

Why don’t you start a new non contact thread. Lots of people will join and there would be a lot of support.
You have done the first big thing of going nc. The next thing is maintaining that which can be tough. And focus on that.