Betrayed...Not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

[SweetBerries]

Hi all,

I’m prepared for a pasting here to be honest but I’m in a situation in my head and I think I need outside input.

Myself and my baby’s partner separated at the start of the year. I dated a few guys and then met someone who I clicked with instantly. We were amazing together and eventually got into a relationship. It was very intense and we fell in love very quickly. Everything just felt perfect and for the first time in decades, after such a long time of hating myself (history of eating disorders) I felt like a human being again.

Then he broke it off. Very suddenly. He said he was still in love with me and his feelings for me hadn’t changed, but he was in a situation with his mental health and finances and he didn’t think he could cope with a relationship. Like a fool, I believed him and accepted it with a lot of tears.

A week later he was back on Tinder. He said his ego was low and he needed boosting. Again, I just believed him. I still held out hope if he felt that way about me, that we could try again somewhere down the line.

After we broke up I lost my appetite and my anorexia started to return. I was blaming myself as I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was looking for someone better on Tinder and it was all to do with my appearance. 3 weeks after the break up, we started sleeping together again. He repeatedly told me he loved me or I wouldn’t have done it...it gave me hope. He still said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone, and that it was just two people who loved each other, showing that to each other via sex. Again, I just lapped it up.

4 days after the last time we slept together and he kissed me goodbye, he was in a new relationship with someone else. He met her via the friends who advised him to break up with me to begin with.

Whilst I realise we were not together, he now says he only told me he loved me and slept with me to try and help me get through my relapse. He should have been ‘clearer’ with me, he says.

I’m now deeply in the throes of anorexia and I’m in pieces. I can’t stop thinking about them together. He wants to be friends and to help me through my eating disorder, but he is the trigger for it to begin with - I’ve been well over 10 years.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but he’s moved on. I don’t know whether I should feel wronged or like an idiot for believing anything he told me. He considers this new girl ‘better’ than me and says it ‘just happened’...I can’t get past it all in my head and move forward.

Can anyone offer me ANY advice with any of this? Everything hurts :( xx

No man comes close to a brioche roll

Also. A study was done was done that showed narcissists and psychopaths were the people most likely to want to stay friends with their exes. Everyone is right - it's about him and his own self image.

The guy that behaved similarly with me also made me ill (depression). He knew it, and he'd sit there all miserable-faced saying h hated contributing to my issues, then make fuck all effort to change the behaviour he knew was making me that way.

In my case, it was attempting to gaslight me into thinking that him telling his ex he still loved her behind my back was fine and acceptable because he'd told me he was having a hard time getting over her, he'd also withhold affection and tell me he had feelings for me but "didn't want to be with me" and if I couldn't understand that it was my problem. But he also used the fact that he once cooked me dinner when i was in the midst of a depressive episode as "proof" of what a good person he was. That's bollocks. Good people care ALL the time, not just when someone's at rock bottom. I used to feel so consumed by him like you do. Now I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

He was horrible to mess with your emotions like this when he knew you were in a vulnerable state. I agree with people saying he is now feeling guilty. But you need to keep well and look after your baby.

Vivienne - I know. I’m going to pull myself out of this for him, to begin with, and then for me when I feel worth it. He deserves a mum not a shell.

Slothface - You have just described this man to an absolute tee. Everything you’ve just said is precisely what he’s done. I’ve considered that he might be a narcissist and initially I put it out of my thoughts because he said he had low self esteem, but the fact he went on Tinder to ‘pick himself up’ is enough to tell me that he doesn’t, he just needs women falling all over him (they always do - he’s attractive) as friends AND love interests. It hurts because I supported him SO much, emotionally and financially by the end, and he just took it and ran. He thought by thanking me, he’d done his part.

Does he, by any chance, also refuse point blank to compromise or consider anyone else's point of view because he's so convinced his behaviour is correct and justified? So you could tell him how much he's hurting you and instead of listening and trying to solve it he'd just dismiss your feelings because HE thinks he's done nothing wrong and that's all that matters to him?

Anyway, run. Absolute narcissist. Be kind to yourself, cutting him out is a huge kindness to yourself and you will start to believe that in time.

He told me that he should have been ‘clearer with me’ instead of ‘flailing around not knowing what to do to help’. Which just means he lied but doesn’t want to say it. He also now refers to it as ‘in your opinion I’ve made you ill’ and ‘you said I made you sick’. I told him that his course of behaviour has caused my relapse, because it has. He said he cried about it for two days (2 whole days) but that definitely isn’t true as he telling everyone else how happy he was with his new partner during that time. He now says he’s mostly over it.

He’s caused this but it’s up to me where I go from here. I can let him/anorexia win and just die, or I can live. You guys are making me believe that the second option is viable again. X

Someday, sooner than you think, you're going to look back over this thread and you're going to see this man the way we do- as a toxic, nasty parasite.

Look at your DS and realise the danger that this horrible excuse for a human being represents to your precious, innocent little boy.

I had a lot of fears before I became a mother now I have two: that something will harm my children, or that I will die and my children will be motherless.

Some day you will feel so proud that you reached out here and we're able to see through his mask to the truth. It doesn't matter that no one else can see it. It doesn't matter that he can't. You can. And because you can, you can start to protect yourself and protect your child.

And by being here, sharing our stories, our insight and the gift of seeing through the mask with each other we are all doing something very powerful to fight against men like this.

Just by posting here OP you're doing something very powerful for other women.

I don’t think I can do this. I’m just shaking and crying. I forgot to block him on WhatsApp and he wants to see me on Sunday morning.

You know, the night after he’s been with his girlfriend. I can’t see him. I need to block him but he seems to be being so nice. I can’t cope but I have to.

NO!!!!! Do not get sucked back in. He doesn't have your best interests at heart, he just wants the ego boost of thinking he's such a great guy.

Just reply along these lines: "I've repeatedly explained how your behaviour made me ill and you haven't listened. remaining in contact is not healthy for me. Your past actions have not been those of someone who truly cares about me and I'm not doing this any longer. Please don't contact me again."

Then block.

Ann - I hope that one day I will look back on this that way. At the moment it feels like my world is falling to pieces. Which it isn’t because everything else is the same. I also hope one day that someone else can look at this and realise that there is a way through. If I can do this then anyone can, to be honest. I just keep reading through these messages in order to try and help myself. I know if I can get past this, I can start eating at some point. x

Slothface - I don’t think I’m strong enough to send that message at the moment. I’ve blocked him on FB and my phone but it’s just WhatsApp now. I’m in tears just thinking about being without him but then he knows I’ll be that way and it’s obvious he actually doesn’t care that much as he still did what he did and seems to think it’s ok. X

O my god this guy is horrendous. At the very least, he's the type who needs so badly to be seen as the nice guy rescuer that he forgets to actually be that and at worst - as others have said - he's a nasty manipulative lying bastard.

I let someone like this mess me about for a long time and similarly friends were forever telling me how they were such a nice person.

You are worth more than this. So much more. And you're being so strong tacking the anorexia. Sending all good things your way, you deserve them.

Weian - I can’t believe how supportive everyone has been. Without you guys I don’t know what I would have done. I mean nothing too outrageous but I wouldn’t even be considering blocking him and I probably would try and see him on Sunday despite also knowing he feels nothing for me any more but pity and guilt.

Thankyou for sharing that you have been through similar. I hold onto that in a huge way just to tell myself I can do the same. Xx

You don't have to reply to him.
Block, ignore - just don't reply.

Please be careful with thinking that if you can get past this, you can start eating again. That's your anorexia talking again - fuck your anorexia! You need to start eating now, to help you get past this.

Anyone who claims to have cried for 2 days is a gold plated ocean going attention seeking arsehole.

That's not what you want in a boyfriend, lovely.

Nibble something, nourish yourself, and enjoy your little boy.

He doesn't feel pity and guilt.
Stop attributing emotions to him that cast him in a nice light - emotions that you can pretend to yourself come from a nice place, driven by kindness and remorse.

He's not nice. He's a nasty bit of work, he really is.

I would say he feels disdain rather than pity and guilt - and I'm unhappy saying something so harsh when you're so down But you know, I'm not even sure he feels disdain. What you need to get your head around, is that he's not feeling or thinking about you at all.

This is all about him, his needs. You're just a prop in his fantasy about himself.

Don't see him on Sunday. Please, don't x

I’m not going to see him on Sunday Ellisandra. If there’s one thing I won’t do, it’s that. I promise you. I will have a lie in and tidy my house. Probably put the Christmas decorations up as this has all knocked me so hard I have felt no joy for this time of year at all.

Yeah it’s difficult to distinguish what is me and what is the anorexia now. But you are entirely right. By the time I get through this I might not be ABLE to eat, so I need to keep trying now, as I have been.

God you’re all so brilliant. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you enough. I’m going to have a very hard weekend as he’s with his GF and I’m alone as son’s dad has him overnight tomorrow, but I actually think with help here, I might be alright. X

Listen my lovely, he is a total arse, and I don't say that lightly. He's a deluded Narc who obviously thinks he's the star of a broadway show where he plays the hero beloved of everyone, in front of a packed out audience, and is using you to make himself look like that person.

Well don't let him. Get angry. Block him on absolutely everything. He wants to meet with you the morning after being with his girlfriend? He's enjoying, yes ENJOYING seeing you distressed and miserable - he gets off on that I bet!

Don't let him into your head. Sing loudly. Dance around the room to music. Play with your little one.Go for good, fast long walks. Try and eat little and often because you are perfect the way you are. Write down all his negatives then tear it up into pieces before binning.

Nothing matters but your little one and you. Learn to like/love yourself. Be kind to yourself. You deserve better. Tell yourself everyday all of your good points. You sound kind, thoughtful, generous, and more.....everything he isn't.

PeaPod - Those are such excellent words. He told me that when I said he was responsible for my relapse (after protecting him from that for weeks) he had ‘never been so upset in his life’, but mere days later all his messages are happy and he told me he’s no longer sad because he’s got the girl he wants. If I look at it objectively, that’s classic narcissism.

Presumably I’ve knocked his perfect image of himself by telling him he’s actually put me in a position where I could die. But his friends have told him that’s bullshit so of course he’ll disregard me - the person actually currently doing the dying.

However, you are right, I must deserve more and whereas he’s put me here, I have the power to stop it and, you know, not die. And I must. For my lovely boy. Who will never abuse me in this way.

You’re amazing. If I could send everyone in this thread flowers I would. Including myself as I never get them!! X

If finances allow, please go and buy flowers for yourself today.

From you to you, because you're fab!

You need some intensive self care - go buy some lovely flowers to look at, and something nice to eat whilst you look at them!

Nourish your body and nourish your soul.

I was seeing someone a bit like this (nowhere near as bad). It hurt and was so hard to cut him out of my life but it was one of the best things I've ever done. Despite what he tells you this man doesn't give a shit about you. Not one shiny shit.

Report back with what flowers you choose

Ellisandra - I definitely will. I’m going to take my little boy out for lunch and pick some lovely ones. I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat much but I’ll 100% try.

Summat - I don’t think you can rank the experiences really - if it hurt you then it’s every bit as bad as this is for me. You got through it. That gives me hope. I have so much hope now, where I had none before last night when I posted about this. I felt a burden on my friends, repeating the same old ground daily, and my family were just getting angry at having to hear his name every day because obviously they are more concerned about the anorexia (completely understandable). But here you all are, helping someone you don’t even know. I’m doing a happy cry now. Stupid brain :) xx

Eating just a little is still eating if it's a small amount, go high fat, high calorie if you can.

Get some weekend plans in place - you said about Xmas decorating? What else can you do to keep busy? Distractions are always good!

I asked a friend if he wanted to go out for a drink tomorrow night (he is purely a friend) but he hasn’t got back to me yet so I’m just planning to sort the house out, read a bit and prepare for my son’s return on Sunday.

That thought has made me smile for the first time in a week. I wanted to post a photo of that smile but I don’t think people do that here! Sufficed to say it’s there. X