Betrayed...Not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

[SweetBerries]

Hi all,

I’m prepared for a pasting here to be honest but I’m in a situation in my head and I think I need outside input.

Myself and my baby’s partner separated at the start of the year. I dated a few guys and then met someone who I clicked with instantly. We were amazing together and eventually got into a relationship. It was very intense and we fell in love very quickly. Everything just felt perfect and for the first time in decades, after such a long time of hating myself (history of eating disorders) I felt like a human being again.

Then he broke it off. Very suddenly. He said he was still in love with me and his feelings for me hadn’t changed, but he was in a situation with his mental health and finances and he didn’t think he could cope with a relationship. Like a fool, I believed him and accepted it with a lot of tears.

A week later he was back on Tinder. He said his ego was low and he needed boosting. Again, I just believed him. I still held out hope if he felt that way about me, that we could try again somewhere down the line.

After we broke up I lost my appetite and my anorexia started to return. I was blaming myself as I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was looking for someone better on Tinder and it was all to do with my appearance. 3 weeks after the break up, we started sleeping together again. He repeatedly told me he loved me or I wouldn’t have done it...it gave me hope. He still said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone, and that it was just two people who loved each other, showing that to each other via sex. Again, I just lapped it up.

4 days after the last time we slept together and he kissed me goodbye, he was in a new relationship with someone else. He met her via the friends who advised him to break up with me to begin with.

Whilst I realise we were not together, he now says he only told me he loved me and slept with me to try and help me get through my relapse. He should have been ‘clearer’ with me, he says.

I’m now deeply in the throes of anorexia and I’m in pieces. I can’t stop thinking about them together. He wants to be friends and to help me through my eating disorder, but he is the trigger for it to begin with - I’ve been well over 10 years.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but he’s moved on. I don’t know whether I should feel wronged or like an idiot for believing anything he told me. He considers this new girl ‘better’ than me and says it ‘just happened’...I can’t get past it all in my head and move forward.

Can anyone offer me ANY advice with any of this? Everything hurts :( xx

Just echoing what everyone else has said. Huge hugs to you. The guy is a wanker of the highest order. You’re worth way more than he treats you.

Thankyou Temple. For some reason it’s hitting me again now. My son is asleep. But this has helped a hell of a lot. Even a couple of lines makes all the difference. X

for you OP and for all the amazing women in this thread who are supporting you.

OP I know you are a strong woman because you have recovered from anorexia before, which is a huge achievement. You have that strength still within you as well as your love for your child, which will motivate you to get through this.

Please keep on looking after yourself.

If your son is young enough for afternoon naps, is this one of his first Xmases that he is aware of? How lovely! He will love your decorations when he comes back from his dad

(not implying that his dad is Santa!)

Kr1st1na - I will beat it this time as well. With help which I have asked for now. There’s part of me that doesn’t want it but everything about me wants it for my boy.

Ellisandra - He’s going to be 2 on December 29th so it will be the first that he’s aware of, really :). I’m going to do everything to make it special for him while he’s away so he comes back to a happy place.

I’m so desperate to talk to him. I know I can’t. I miss him, but I miss who he was and who I thought he was, not who he has turned out to be. At least I know that :(. I’m going through stages with this today.

I have eaten a little today. Not much but something. I don’t want to go into calorie values for fear of triggering anyone else but I’m going to keep going. X

Write down on a piece of paper the bad things about him, the fact he is using you when the other woman isn’t available, the fact he thinks it’s ok to do what’s best for himself and all the other bad things about him, each time you feel like messaging them read them.

The first few days will be hard, there will be times you will feel desperate to message him but don’t do it, block him, after a week things will start feeling easier and you won’t be thinking about him as much, you won’t care where he is or what he’s doing or even who he is with.

Keep up the eating even if it’s just small amounts, do it for your son and for you. Your doing great, you can do this xx

I’m so desperate to talk to him I know I can’t. I miss him, but I miss who he was and who I thought he was, not who he has turned out to be

Don't give into this as the person you want to talk to doesn't exist - he made him up to sweet talk you, to fool you, to manipulate you.

This cheating, lying bastard who you see now is the 'real him'

Only he exists, only he matters in his world.

So, look at your world. Who are you, what are you, where do you want to go in your life. Write down your aims whatever they are and focus on them. Doesn't matter what they are - to paint a wall, to take up a class, to plan a day out....tiny steps but positive ones.

I can truly say I understand what you are going through - all of the pain and trauma.

But just think this EVERYTIME you feel yourself wavering......

he’s actually put me in a position where I could die. But his friends have told him that’s bullshit so of course he’ll disregard me - the person actually currently doing the dying.
...and then think what would happen to your baby if you allowed him to do this to you.

Be strong my lovely, be loud - shout him away, be fearless, be independent, be victorious!

Have only read op.
When I read Eat, Pray, love, the thing that struck he the most was when she realised she falls in love with a man's highest potential, not the man himself.
And I wonder if that's what you are doing here? It's not him you are in love with, he's shown you how unkind he is ( " better " girlfriend, telling you he loved you when he didn't), but you are in love with this perfect image of him.
It's not true, it's not real.
Please totally distance yourself from him. Don't let him pretend he's doing you a favour and being you friend.
I'm really sorry you are in this op, especially as it's triggered your eating disorder.

I’m sorry I can’t reply individually at the moment, I’m struggling hugely and having to try and stave off an anxiety attack while I’m out. FFS...

Nobody expects individual replies, don't worry.
Breathe in for 4 and out for 6 - always breathe out longer not to hyperventilate - I learnt one thing at labour class

It will pass - the anxiety attack, and the wider pain of how you're feeling.

I messed up.

I asked him if he wanted to play PS4 games online tonight. Instantly hated myself. It was during the attack. He ignored my message for an hour whilst he chatted to the GF then said ‘yeah if you want we can do’. I’ve had it now, I want to send him that message and then block him but I’m going to look insane if I send it straight after asking him to play games online, aren’t I?

What the hell do I do now. I haven’t disregarded everything you’ve all said, I was just desperate in that moment to feel loved by him. And obviously that’s never going to happen. I’m so sorry.

Don’t apologise. You haven’t let anybody down at all. It’s tough but you will get there. If it was me I would block him now but I really do know how tough that is. Don’t go gaming tonight, watch a movie, read a book, have a bath or an early night. Try to break down the evening into segments if you can as that can help

Please don't apologise. It's awful when everything is swirling around in your head - have been there.

Anyway, who cares if 'you're going to look insane' ? So what! What matters more is you and your little berry. And the people who care about you, those that don't - and believe him - don't!

Ami and Pea - Thankyou. I don’t want to just block him as I want him to know why, but maybe that’s vindictive. I’m not sure. I’m so confused and I’m only not crying my eyes out because I’m with my son. He’s had a lovely meal out and treats this afternoon so he’s none the wiser. I keep wondering whether I should just accept this and be friends with him like his other exes but that would just make him feel even better about himself.

Don't apologise lovely! We all know it isn't easy to do the right thing, in fact it's the most difficult thing to do. You can change your mind about playing the games though, maybe just say actually you're not sure it's a good idea and then you could say something along the lines of needing him to leave you alone, in your own words in a way that feels comfortable to you. But it's far easier said than done I know - it took me about 4 times of saying that before I finally meant it and blocked him for good. It's nothing to be ashamed of, you can't help still having feelings for him but you're totally right when you said you love who you THOUGHT he was and wanted him to be, not who he really is. The real him is not a nice person, just remember that

This is the message I drafted. I think it’s fair in the circumstances.

‘I've repeatedly explained how your behaviour has made me ill and you haven't accepted it. It remains an ‘opinion’ to you, despite being one my therapist shares. I’ve never seen her angry in 20 years. I did this week. Staying in contact with someone like you, a liar and user who professes to be there for me, then ignores me, is not healthy for anyone. Your past and present actions have not been those of someone who truly cares about me and I'm not doing this any longer. You are blocked on all platforms. Please don't contact me again.‘

It is fair but honestly, I wouldn't send that. It's full of things that he can respond to or defend. And he'll probably think you're only sending it because you want him to text back.

I'd just block him and leave it at that. Or 'don't contact me again' if you really want to send a message.

I can tell you from a man's perspective that there's nothing you can say to him that won't boost his ego (which is exactly what he thrives on). The only thing you can do that won't boost his ego is to ignore him.

I must say that apart from being attractive he doesn't seem to have anything going for him. In fact he seems to be a totally vacuous and mundane person. Block him on all platforms and get on with your life.

Good luck!

I would send it, if it’s through WhatsApp then wait for it to show up as read and then block straight away so he can not reply (but you know he has seen it). If he tries to make contact in anyway shape or form afterwards then ignore. Block him on your phone and on email.

I would send it then block him on everything. Don't let him try and have the last word. Also, remember that he'll never truly "get" it, because in his mind he believes he hasn't actually done anything wrong

I’m appreciative of any opinion on this. I really really am. Perhaps I should just block him after all. He’s blocked on my phone but I can’t remember his email address so can’t block that. I don’t think he would ever contact me on that anyway given that he’s treating me like an annoyance as it is. Tragic how things change in a week.

He might come looking for you via email, you make him feel good about himself after all. I mean, if he can treat you like that and you still love him that's pretty darn flattering. It's probably the only way he gets to feel good because if he examines himself there's nothing much that's nice to find. A string of exes that want to be friends is validating his 'good guy' feeling.

Block, block, block. If he emails you don't open it to read but mark as spam or block it or whatever you can do on your account.

Don't feel bad about your anorexia - your brain and subconscious is telling you all you need to know about this relationship and about him. You can totally get back to where you were recovery wise, but you need him out. It will chip away at your self esteem all the while he has any power over you.

It's not tragic btw, it's great. He's shown his true colors and given you an out. Plenty of partners like this keep their victims in that place of hanging on in 'love' for so long they ruin huge chunks of their lives. You have got out and are free from his crap, your brain just needs to catch up!

Droid - that message made me cry. I have just told a friend I’ve never hated myself more than I do right at this moment. And it’s true. But it’s because of the way I’m continuing to LET him treat me. I don’t have to put up with this but I am because I love him and I’m coming across as desperate because of it. Which I bet he’s loving.