Betrayed...Not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

[SweetBerries]

Hi all,

I’m prepared for a pasting here to be honest but I’m in a situation in my head and I think I need outside input.

Myself and my baby’s partner separated at the start of the year. I dated a few guys and then met someone who I clicked with instantly. We were amazing together and eventually got into a relationship. It was very intense and we fell in love very quickly. Everything just felt perfect and for the first time in decades, after such a long time of hating myself (history of eating disorders) I felt like a human being again.

Then he broke it off. Very suddenly. He said he was still in love with me and his feelings for me hadn’t changed, but he was in a situation with his mental health and finances and he didn’t think he could cope with a relationship. Like a fool, I believed him and accepted it with a lot of tears.

A week later he was back on Tinder. He said his ego was low and he needed boosting. Again, I just believed him. I still held out hope if he felt that way about me, that we could try again somewhere down the line.

After we broke up I lost my appetite and my anorexia started to return. I was blaming myself as I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was looking for someone better on Tinder and it was all to do with my appearance. 3 weeks after the break up, we started sleeping together again. He repeatedly told me he loved me or I wouldn’t have done it...it gave me hope. He still said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone, and that it was just two people who loved each other, showing that to each other via sex. Again, I just lapped it up.

4 days after the last time we slept together and he kissed me goodbye, he was in a new relationship with someone else. He met her via the friends who advised him to break up with me to begin with.

Whilst I realise we were not together, he now says he only told me he loved me and slept with me to try and help me get through my relapse. He should have been ‘clearer’ with me, he says.

I’m now deeply in the throes of anorexia and I’m in pieces. I can’t stop thinking about them together. He wants to be friends and to help me through my eating disorder, but he is the trigger for it to begin with - I’ve been well over 10 years.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but he’s moved on. I don’t know whether I should feel wronged or like an idiot for believing anything he told me. He considers this new girl ‘better’ than me and says it ‘just happened’...I can’t get past it all in my head and move forward.

Can anyone offer me ANY advice with any of this? Everything hurts :( xx

Yourekilling - you are absolutely right. Everyone is. I’ve just been made to feel like I should be grateful that he still wants to keep any contact with me at all. He wanted to set ‘ground rules’ for me because it was stressing him out talking to me when I asked for answers and told him I was miserable. This has put things in a very different context. Xx

Ground rules!!!! Get angry girl. What a cheeky fucker! Tell him to take his ground rules and shove them in his happy place! Oooo that’s made me cross on your behalf. You will be GOOD! He a scrote! Make your ‘ground rule’ number one to make yourself fabulous without contact from him. He sounds like he’s actually pitying you. Take your life back so that one day you can shove that pity or his ‘hope of one last shag’ right where the sun don’t shine! Keep posting lovely

Ha! he is so transparent.

Ground rules are because his latest 'girlfriend' conquest doesn't know hes talking to you and he doesn't want to get caught.

Keeping you on side is a) booty call b) ego kibbles c) he likes his harem of female hangers on and d) so he can point out his absolute awesomeness at helping all these needy people.

Well
You are more awesome
You wont be a booty call
You are not needy

He can go suck one!

He is a monumentally rotten barrel of fucking wanksocks to THE EXTREME.

He knows you're vulnerable and yet this is how he has chosen to treat you. You should absolutely go no contact with him, he's a terrible human being. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You sound absolutely adorable, kind and thoughtful.

Please be kind to yourself. When someone doesn't treat you well take note.

You are way way way too good for him so please can you block those who seek to damage you? And never give them a second chance?

You don't deserve unhappiness so please, from now on, imagine a big, stinking, slimy, steaming turd whenever you think of people who have hurt or upset you.

That should hopefully help you steer clear.

He wants to be ‘friends’ because that way he gets to prove to himself that he is a nice guy.

So havjng trampled all over you, he then wants to drag you back simply to make him look innocent.

It was a very fast relationship. You bought expensive presents when you hadn’t even got an arrangement to see the kids yet....

Be FAST kicking him to the kerb, then be SLOW next time you build a relationship. This is how you can protect yourself,

It is good you have sought help quickly for your anorexia. Well done: you are looking after you better than this loser did!

I'd likely tell his current girlfriend what he's doing to be honest, she deserves to be shut of him too.

i wouldn’t get drawn into any other drama around his life at all. It would just be another way to be hooked in.

Laudanum, Girldownunder, Ami - I’ve been reading these messages on repeat since I woke up at 3am (as usual) with anxiety. He didn’t speak to me again last night. He texted me when he was bored in the interval of his kid’s school play. A week ago we’d text til we fell asleep. Now that’s reserved for the new girl. Which makes me feel awful but this is all the more reason to go no contact.

You’re right, I’m not going to be needy and although I feel rotten right now, I can be awesome. I’ve spent the time I would normally spend texting him here. So you guys are basically preventing a full mental collapse right now! I’ve come very close to doing something stupid over the past few days, but I wouldn’t for the sake of my son, who is my world. This is helping me realise I haven’t much wrong...I reached out for help from someone I trusted completely and he did this to me. I’ve been raped and beaten by my exes previously and this feels worse because it literally involves the most personal thing to me (anorexia) which I trusted him totally with and he’s used it for his own ends. I’m going to struggle with no contact. Badly. Xx

Division - I trusted him when he said i’d meet them. We had a few arrangements to do it but something always happened to stop it (genuine things) and I thought everything was wonderful between us. I just bought them when I could afford them because I wanted to give them something lovely. I do feel a fool now, of course. I’ve told him just to say they are from him. I don’t need the pain of trying to sell them (they are personalised so I couldn’t anyway). X

You can absolutely do this, it's hard as fuck and he has obviously really messed with your head and vulnerability with how he's acted. He is a massive shitcannon.

You didn’t do a bad thing, getting the presents, you did a lovely thing.

He has behaved very badly and he is still behaving very badly. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. See the predatory wolf, not his pretend act.

It would be best if you could just block his number. Delete it from your phone. It is just him getting at you and torturing you every time he texts.

Who does he think he is, using you as a distraction when he’s bored? Arrogant git.

Could you block him? Go on, just do it!

He's a manipulative arsehole who should be ashamed. Please cut him off and focus on your wellbeing and recovery. He's no friend at all. Pity his new girlfriend. You can do so much better.

Interesting that you say your only mutual friend is is ex girlfriend, who is still his friend. So he's got form for keeping trophies arsehole.

He really is a total shit and I promise you that the way through this is no contact (and some toast )

Refuse to let him harm you. x

Hi everyone. Again I’m overwhelmed by the support here. I’ve woken up to a reply from the text I sent last night (before his GF got back to him obvs) and asking how I am. Obviously it’s beeb deleted with no reply. I’m going to block him today, I’m just trying to get the guts to do it, as on the surface he’s being really nice but I know it’s guilt or manipulation. I’m just tired of waking up in tears or being full of anxiety every time my phone goes. Xx

I’ve blocked him. I feel very very sick. Everything in my house reminds me of him and all I want is him back, despite everything. The logical part of me knows he’s moved on, though. So no good can come of contact with him. I don’t want to be his friend. How could I?

He doesn't behave towards you as a friend should.

The intensity of feeling right now is SO hard - but remind yourself that it's inevitable at first. Don't mistake your bad days at the start for a permanent state! It really is pain for gain!

Allow yourself to feel awful now, think of it like flu where you just know you have to weather the storm, but it really won't last forever.

Thankyou Ellisandra. I’m struggling as I feel so ugly at the moment. He’s very shallow (by his own admission) and will have just chosen someone he fancied more, I suppose. This is where the anorexia has come from I guess. Anyway you’re right, this can’t last forever or nobody would ever get through it. I just don’t know if I can handle this pain. X

I dated someone who behaved similarly to this. Honestly, blocking the cunt and erasing him from my life was the best thing I did. He isn't your friend. He isn't a good person. He's a self-obsessed narcissist who wants the good guy points of being able to say he's your friend. After everything he's done, all the lying and stringing you along, why would you want to be friends with him anyway? Block, delete, get rid. You deserve so much more than this monumental dicksplash can ever give you

I know it's the easiest answer but the hardest thing to do... but what you need now is food.
As your BMI drops, so will your mental faculties and your ability to be resilient.
Your need to be mentally strong right now, and your brain needs fuel for that.
Get yourself some food and with every difficult bite think "fuck you, arsehole - you won't hurt me",

I promise you, that it is not about you and how attractive you are. It's about him, and him enjoying the role he's given himself.

Honestly my love... MN is full of women who have been cheated on. Most will tell you - she wasn't better than me - she was just different / new / available.

Grab a calorie laden hot chocolate, and settle down to make a list of the world's most attractive cheated on women! Plenty of them.

I'm glad you've gone to your GP for suppprt. Just try to have a few mouthfuls today, yes?

Ellisandra, slothface - You’re both right. His ex is still in his life as a friend but the one night we spent together without him, a lot came out about how he had lied to me regarding things in their relationship. How he’d supported her, how many times she cheated on him, lots of things. She sounded very angry at him but still remains his best friend. I don’t know why...maybe it’s convenient? Anyway, that’s incidental. It just shows a pattern.

I’m going to try and eat a little bit today. I’m bordering on underweight now so if I don’t do something soon, I’m not going to be able to be rational at all. He’s gone, it’s done. His kids have the presents and I guess he doesn’t have any reason to contact me again unless he’s worried about me. I’m sure he will be (guilt) but not worried enough to have treated me better when it counted, or respect me enough to be honest (he considers himself a massive feminist...isn’t that a thing?). Xx

You're absolutely right, his being worried about you is simply virtue signalling because if he genuinely cared, he wouldn't have treated you that way in the first place. Especially if he knew it was making you ill!

Block him on EVERYTHING so he has no way of contacting you even if he tried. Trust me, after a couple of weeks without him in your life, you'll feel like a lead weight's been lifted

Slothface - I trust you entirely here. I’ve never been in this situation before and it’s obviously knocked me back so far that I’m poorly. But the one thing everyone agrees on is that I should not speak to him again. I always thought that would be the worst thing for me, but the women on MN seem to be speaking from awful experiences and if everyone else can get through this then there’s no reason I can’t, I guess. I just feel so weak, anxious and sad. But maybe this is natural. X

Please don't make the mistake of thinking if he contacts you it's through guilt - it really isn't.

It's all about feeding his desire to maintain to himself his self image.

If you think it's guilt, you'll think he cares. All he cares about is himself.

Eat something high fat, sign up for the Freedom programme, and shout FUCK HIM at the top of your voice.

You are so right to mention the weight and rationality. When my BF'a daughter was referred for her anorexia, they wouldn't even start counselling until she had reached a % weight. I didn't understand this at first - but I saw it, her brain was under nourished and she couldn't 'do' counselling. You need your brain working right now lovely, give it the care it needs.

You want a way to stop feeling so awful? You really do have that in your power - staying healthy is something you can do to enable you to cope with this initial horrible pain. You deserve to be healthy, don't let him hurt you any more. x

Ellisandra - I’m going to sign up to FP after Christmas when I’ve gone back to work and have some spare money. I think I need to learn to be ok on my own for now. I’ve survived two abusuve relationships only to end up being emotionally abused in a different way. I never want this to happen again.

I’ve just shared a brioche roll with my son - this is the earliest I’ve eaten anything in weeks. I keep collapsing but mercifully never when I’ve been with him. This is why I’m posting so frequently here...I’m desperate for support but where I’d normally go running to him, I’m so glad I have this more rational perspective. X