Betrayed...Not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

[SweetBerries]

Hi all,

I’m prepared for a pasting here to be honest but I’m in a situation in my head and I think I need outside input.

Myself and my baby’s partner separated at the start of the year. I dated a few guys and then met someone who I clicked with instantly. We were amazing together and eventually got into a relationship. It was very intense and we fell in love very quickly. Everything just felt perfect and for the first time in decades, after such a long time of hating myself (history of eating disorders) I felt like a human being again.

Then he broke it off. Very suddenly. He said he was still in love with me and his feelings for me hadn’t changed, but he was in a situation with his mental health and finances and he didn’t think he could cope with a relationship. Like a fool, I believed him and accepted it with a lot of tears.

A week later he was back on Tinder. He said his ego was low and he needed boosting. Again, I just believed him. I still held out hope if he felt that way about me, that we could try again somewhere down the line.

After we broke up I lost my appetite and my anorexia started to return. I was blaming myself as I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he was looking for someone better on Tinder and it was all to do with my appearance. 3 weeks after the break up, we started sleeping together again. He repeatedly told me he loved me or I wouldn’t have done it...it gave me hope. He still said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone, and that it was just two people who loved each other, showing that to each other via sex. Again, I just lapped it up.

4 days after the last time we slept together and he kissed me goodbye, he was in a new relationship with someone else. He met her via the friends who advised him to break up with me to begin with.

Whilst I realise we were not together, he now says he only told me he loved me and slept with me to try and help me get through my relapse. He should have been ‘clearer’ with me, he says.

I’m now deeply in the throes of anorexia and I’m in pieces. I can’t stop thinking about them together. He wants to be friends and to help me through my eating disorder, but he is the trigger for it to begin with - I’ve been well over 10 years.

I don’t know what to do. I love him but he’s moved on. I don’t know whether I should feel wronged or like an idiot for believing anything he told me. He considers this new girl ‘better’ than me and says it ‘just happened’...I can’t get past it all in my head and move forward.

Can anyone offer me ANY advice with any of this? Everything hurts :( xx

It takes time and effort to break free, don't worry that it's small steps

I think your message is fantastic - but as a mantra to you.
I think he may see it as a challenge, or just use it to slate you.
He doesn't deserve to know about your feelings - he needs to be nothing to you.
Personally, I'd text it to MYSELF - and read it when I wavered.

Tonight, and the online gaming - you can just not log in. Ignore him. If you think that'll make him badger you, send a "changed my mind" or "fuck off" or even a very low key "actually, tired - early night, won't be online" message. Then you'll feel you have a reason to ignore him (you're asleep!) if he contacts you.

You don't have to have a reason - I only say it in case it helps you to avoid being drawn back in.

In fact... do you think you could have an early night? I expect you need it

You know, I put up with shit from my XH for far too long. And I really struggled with anger at myself for that.

But eventually... why stay angry? Get angry enough to think "not doing that again". Angry enough to block him, to hold firm, and to do something like the Freedom programme that you already plan.

Beyond that, what good does it do?
If your little boy was angry with himself for a mistake, you'd wrap him in your arms and your love and say "it's OK, it's done, let it go". You need to give yourself the same love you give him. Self care - flowers, food and forgiveness. And whilst we're on Fs... fuck him!

Give yourself a hug, forgive yourself - and what for? For being human, and for being unlucky in meeting him. Stop punishing yourself, you don't deserve that. x

Hi Ellisandra. I’m going to take some sleeping tablets (just Nytol) after DS goes to bed. They don’t keep me asleep for long sadly, as my anxiety is so bad at the moment. But I can try.

You’re right, that message needs to be my mantra. He’ll receive the bracelet I bought for his daughter tomorrow and with what I now know of him, I don’t think he’ll feel an ounce of guilt in giving it to her. As I say, he offered to pay me back but also knows I won’t accept the money. I aim to have him blocked by tomorrow so he can’t thank me for it.

I just hope one day someone actually will love me. I feel like after all this I might be completely useless to everyone except DS.

Try not to reply to him, it is him not you. His behaviour is appalling and all he is interested is his view of himself "mr wonderful". He is not wonderful, he is an arse, with the moral fibre of a scraping from a subterranean demon beast.

You are wonderful, and that's why he wants your approval to behave the way he does.

Block, block and block.

Ps yep I've had one of those, it took me months to get rid of them, nearly a year tbh. And every time I fell for it, every time it hurt more than rest, looking back I think he wanted to drive me insane, so he could say look "not my fault for leaving".

Believe me when I say it does get better, but only if you stop communicating. He will never truly accept the criticism or take ownership for his behaviour, don't expect him to. Lower your opinion of that arse wipe and work on raising your own opinion of yourself.

You are soooo much better than him, You out class him and out rank him in every way.

I just hope one day someone actually will love me. I feel like after all this I might be completely useless to everyone except DS.

A boring womaniser has chucked you so you deduce that no man will ever be interested in you. I don't follow your logic.

Hi Graciela. I’m not sure I do either. It’s illogical. I just felt so sure he was a good person and I don’t think I’ve fully shaken that notion yet, despite being logically aware it’s not true. I hope that makes sense.

Feel free to chuck a brioche bun at me for trite clichés but... you need to start with loving yourself.
That means buying yourself flowers, feeding yourself and not giving yourself a hard time over getting mixed up with an arsehole.
It's a big club

Lala - Thankyou. I’m not going to waste any more of my time on him. That he will know of. I imagine my thoughts and anxieties will continue but I won’t be speaking to him again. X

Yes technically it is you letting him treat you like this, but that's also a very simplistic (and unhelpful) way of looking at it. Don't twist it round in a way to blame yourself again!

He sucked you in and built you up, all under the umbrella of a happy relationship. Then he whisked it all away and replaced what he had with you with another unsuspecting woman, whilst still keeping you close with crumbs of attention to torture you. It's mind games but it's hard to see it for what it is when you're in the midst of it.

But in spite of that, you are here listening to advice and being very sensible with only minor slip ups. Remind yourself that you are a nice person, a good mum, and that you don't actually hate yourself - you are only feeling rotten right now because someone unkind has been manipulating you and anyone else in your shoes would feel the same. You need a bit of help getting the anorexia back under control, but you will get there because it isn't who you are. It hasn't defined you for the last ten years and it doesn't now.

See, it's all going to be fine (well for you it is; he's stuck with being him for the rest of forever!)

Droid, I’ve decided I should make a list here of things I want to achieve in the next week. During which time I will not speak to him of course. Hopefully every one of those I can tick off will remind me that I remain capable of good things. I just got a first in my biology degree, hope to go to uni next year to do a masters and PGCE at the same time and am volunteering in a children’s hospital from January. I am going to achieve stuff. I have to for my boy. I’m not sure quite how to get through Christmas but I have to find a way. You are all making it seem possible. I was so ready to give up. X

There we go, that all sounds amazing. And the list is a great idea.

If you struggle through Christmas remind yourself of the fab future you now have to look forward to without someone making you feel awful about yourself by pretending to be nice. That drip drip eroding your self esteem - gone.

You sound great OP

Sweet Berries that sounds amazing, see you really are sooo out of his league.

Slight concern that may not read right??? I mean you are way above him, in another better league. Your life will soar and his will always remain the same. Which when they hit a certain age they turn into dirty old men

HAHA Lala that made me laugh. I took it the right way but it would have been quite the diversion from previous comments for anyone to say he’s out of my league at this point!

I think the problem I have is with my appearance. I’ve never liked it, no matter how many times I’ve been told I’m pretty and obviously now I’ve turned to anorexia for help, despite being aware that it’s turning me into something akin to Corpse Bride by the day.

Droid - Thankyou :). I managed to finish the degree whilst being a lone parent and working full time, so if I can do that then I can get through this. This is just head stuff. One day at a time.

I haven’t heard from him re gaming tonight. I don’t think I will. And that’s fine. If I don’t I’ll just quietly block him and if I do I’ll say I’m tired. Which wouldn’t be a lie, to be honest. It’s been a very stressful day but me and DS have got through it in one piece (he’s happier than ever as he got new toys and restaurant spaghetti - never fails) x

Wow read your whole thread...a first in biology and whilst working and with a little one, that is seriously impressive. I don't think you realise how amazing you actually are.
Be encouraged if I can see that from your posts others will see it in you too x

But the anorexia isn't really about your appearance is it? You didn't struggle with feeling this extremely about your appearance when you thought all was good with him and you felt happiness. And he hasn't behaved like this because he doesn't think you look attractive; I'm fact I'm sure he does think you're attractive. But him finding you pretty is empty and meaningless and it certainly didn't make him be nice to you. Your anorexia is a symptom of the emotional turmoil you're in and it makes not a jot difference to how pretty or attractive or lovely you are to anyone who is nice. You know all that of course, I'm just reiterating.

Even if you don't like your appearance, decide 'so what' (this is what I told myself BTW, not trying to belittle your feelings)? Value that wonderful body for everything else about it - that it made your son and got you through your degree and lets you move and run and type and talk and everything else that's great about being alive.

BTW I'm sorry if I say anything unhelpful, I don't know much about anorexia and am just coming from a position of knowing the terrible pain a bad relationship and poor self esteem can cause (and the hold it can have over you).

She's BETTER than you?! Only a callous (or incredibly stupid) individual would say that, or even think it.

Cut of all contact with him, don't keep a back and forth going. He's a turd of a human being. You'll start to see that soon.

Droid - Please don’t worry about not knowing much about anorexia :). Nobody truly does. Even me. I couldn’t presume to tell another anorexic how to get well. And I wouldn’t. In my case I’ve put everything down to that because it’s what I do. And whilst I can’t control the things he’s done to me, I can control my eating, if you see what I mean? My self esteem was the highest it ever was when we were together and I genuinely felt pretty. Sadly now that all feels like a lie, and I doubt those feelings I had. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Mimp - Thankyou doesn’t seem enough as I keep saying it to everyone, but it just felt like something I happened to do at the time. I didn’t even enjoy the first because he had just ended things with me. But I’ll try to acknowledge all this now because maybe I deserve to give myself some congratulations :) xx

sweet you are in a far superior league to him. You are educated, sweet and I'll put a good bet on good looking. Men like that tend to form a pattern of targeting women they feel are out of their league and then tapping into their insecurities to bring them down - once they have "love bombed" (new phase to me, but it fits). It "helps" them to make themselves feel better / nasty behaviour and thankfully not the norm.

I may be laying my own experience, but it has been an interesting one to watch the ex. We had a child together so contact of sorts meant I have watched him never change, bounce from relationship to relationship, sucking the life out of lovely women, making himself out to the "wonderful one". Thankfully now due to age, he just comes across as creepy older man - living in his bedsit. He ran out of women's homes to move into.

Sweet I totally understand the anorexia thing, for me it’s a control thing, when my life feels out of control my eating is the only thing I can control, it starts with me not feeling hungry due to stress/upset but then it becomes a control thing. I only have blips when I’m stressed and often that stress is caused by a man. I have now discovered the gym and this is now my control thing ( my fitness ) and I know to be able to go to the gym I need to eat well or I won’t have the energy to work out. When I’m upset, angry, anxious or depressed I go to the gym. I have been single for a year, I eat very well and I enjoy not having the stress associated with a relationship, hopefully one day I will find someone I want to be with, someone that treats me right but until then I’m happy concentrating on me and my dd’s. I’m mentally and physically healthier than I have ever been.

You can do this, go no contact, build your confidence back up, set goals and achieve them, do it for you and not for any man.

Love and Lala - these are all words I don’t think I’ll forget for a long time. I’ve been trying to read some empowering websites for women tonight and a friend told me about a Twitter account of a women who takes NO bullshit from men at all. It was wonderful and so affirming, like everything you have said.

Love - I’m trying to stay away from the gym at the moment as I have a tendency to become exercise-obsessive, but then I’m restricting my food intake so much I think I would collapse before long anyway. I don’t want to end up in hospital. But once I’m back on my feet I’ll start running again - I totally agree it’s the best way to deal with all these things.

As the night gets later I’m suffering more. He’s obviously not contacted me about this gaming business and I don’t think he will at all. So it’s quiet blocking. I’m going to struggle with NC but I have to try. I feel like my self esteem is now intrinsically tied to him because he’s the one who killed it. I have to stop feeling like that or I’ll just disappear. Xx

Quiet blocking is all good, it will get better, it will be hard - I'm not going to sugar coat that - but the end goal, the release, the fog lifting - anytime you fumble or are worried about that - imagine a brighter independent future where you are happy for who you are.

At the moment that may seem a world away, but it will happen, believe me it will happen. I can look back now and see very clearly (but it was well over a decade ago). It gets so much bloody better.

If you have a wobble - post, we will support and help if you want us to. I say we as reading this post - everyone is unanimous - a rarity for MN. That's got to tell you something.

Take that strength, and build on it. You have a good plan to go forwards, don't let that spineless jackass drag you down to his world of feckless inadequacy.

It will take time, take things slowly, get through each hour, it will get easier, I think the first 3 days are the worst. Night times are the hardest times, it has taken me quite a while to feel comfortable at night on my own, now I love it. A male friend wanted to come over tonight but I said ‘no’ because now I prefer my own company, I’m watching rubbish tv, candles lit and mumsnet, what more do I need?

HA Lala he’s just messaged me asking what time I want to play. I’m just going to say I’m tired. Then block block block. He doesn’t have time for me, then I don’t have time for him. I can’t deny I want to just do it but it would be giving him affirmation again, something I’ve done for too long it seems.

Block block block