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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP PLEASE

112 replies

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 14:48

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I’m having a really heartbreaking issue. I’m going to start from the top.

Last year my husband and I had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married VERY quickly. We had both agreed that neither of us wanted kids. We were both happy and content with this decision. My husband comes from an abusive father who he thought was his biological father until he was 12 years old. After his mom left his step dad she devoted everything she had to my husband. Never had another relationship. My husband told me point blank when we talked about how he didn’t want kids that he could not be a husband AND a father. He wanted his wife to be the most important person in the world to him and devote everything to her and if a child was in the picture she couldn’t be that person.

A few months after we married I got pregnant. The first couple weeks I had decided to have an abortion but I woke up the third week and decided I couldn’t do it. It was very easy for me to say that I didn’t want children hypothetically. I meant it. I was fine with it. But once I was faced with an actual life inside of me I couldn’t bring myself to say I didn’t want THIS baby. So here I am almost 37 weeks pregnant.

We’ve had a few big blowouts about it. Are troubles are also financial so that is also very stressful.

My husband says he told me who he was and he told me he could not be both a husband and a father. He says I made my choice and I did not choose us so now he can’t either. He acts as if there is NO fixing it. I personally that once he feels the love of this child and that our lives are not ruined it could change his mind. I love him very much. I really feel a need to help him. I don’t even know where to start to fix this. Any advice would help! Thank you!

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 14/12/2017 14:59

Is he still sleeping with you?

Are you still doing his washing, cooking etc?

I'd get really cold with him and show him what his choice really means.

Jobjobjob · 14/12/2017 15:04

I don't know what to say, sorry! Is he still living with you? I suppose that's a positive if he is. If he hasn't walked away from the situation he is still engaging with it.

I suppose if he was that adamant about no children then he should have had a vasectomy?

Was it a contraception fail?

TheNaze73 · 14/12/2017 15:05

He should have had a vasectomy but, I do see both of your points

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 14/12/2017 15:06

If he really doesn't want to be a father, there's nothing for you to "fix". And he's not really going to "feel the love of this child" until it's about a year old, if not longer.

You can't make him want to be a father. Maybe he'll come around, but that is an extremely high-stakes gamble.

I think you should initiate a conversation about separating. You may as well float the idea of counselling together, but basically I'd force him to make a decision: either he stays with you and gives being a family a chance, or he moves out ASAP. I mean, is he even going to go with you for the birth? Who is your birth partner going to be? It should absolutely NOT be a cold, distant husband.

twiney · 14/12/2017 15:07

You are in the wrong

Poshindevon · 14/12/2017 15:10

Who was taking responsibility here for contraception? Did you both decide on the form of protection you would use to prevent you becoming pregnant? Or was that conversation lost in the heat of the moment?
As the old saying goes "it takes two tango" your DH is just as responsible for this pregnancy as you are. This is not 1957 its 2017.
Your DH has issues and you were so in love you did not see the redflags.
I truly hope you find a way to fix this problem. Your DH needs counselling. What does your mother in law think about your pregnancy?
Sorry to say babies are not always the glue that hold a marriage together

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 14/12/2017 15:11

As hard as this is, you need to concentrate on you and your baby right now. Legally your husband will have to support your child but you can't make him fix the marriage or be a good father,

Original poster
Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:12

It was not a contraception fail. Just being careless. He still lives with me. Doesn’t want to leave. Sleeps in the bed with me. Made me dinner last night. Some days he is absolutely fine and I feel like he loves me. Other days he has breakdowns about it.

OP posts:
twiney · 14/12/2017 15:13

Just imagine for a second that he was forcing you to have a child you didnt want

Original poster
Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:15

It was the heat of the moment but he is relentless about putting it on me for making the decision not to abort. Babies are for sure not the glue! He has been in counseling before but assured me he has had enough. My mother in law is VERY excited. I’ve considered talking to her about his issues but don’t know if she would just run back to him and tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:15

I do understand his side. I know my decision changed his entire life. I don’t argue that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:17

Yes this is very true. That’s what I’m going to do for now. He says he’s going to be a fantastic dad but that is what’s cost me a husband.

OP posts:
twiney · 14/12/2017 15:18

Well yeah, because in many ways its a massive betrayal.

And you've put your own needs before whats best for you as a couple.

Offred · 14/12/2017 15:20

He can’t blame you for this baby. He could have had a vasectomy if he was so sure, if a vasectomy wasn’t something he wanted he should have been more careful with contraception.

Adults don’t choose to behave carelessly with contraception when they adamantly don’t want a baby and then throw a fit when a pregnancy happens.

Honestly, I think you need to get tougher. Don’t rely on him for anything at all and tell him to grow up and accept the fact the baby is happening and that he needs to prepare for becoming a father.

He can’t take it back now, even if he walks away from the baby, he will always be the baby’s father, it can never be undone.

Offred · 14/12/2017 15:24

And the op is not forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want.... 🙄

He was present at the conception of his child and made his own decisions about his input.

If he didn’t realise that the time to worry about pregnancy is prior to conception then he is a total idiot...

But IMO when men do this kind of thing it is usually actually that they are abusive pricks TBH. They don’t take any responsibility, make everything into the woman’s fault and try and bully her into an abortion.

Original poster
Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 15:26

I’m worried about that bc thats what he knows as far as dads go. Walking away or causing pain.

My other opinion and probably the one I lean towards the most is that he’s scared shitless.

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 14/12/2017 15:26

I think he's being pretty daft, but then it doesn't really matter what I think, does it?

If he's willing to be a dad but just doesn't want to be a husband then, I still think you should lay it on the line for him. If he wants to stay, it's on the basis that he stays as a husband AND father; if he's not willing to be a husband any more, he leaves and gets ready to be a divorced dad.

As a PP said it needs to be about you and baby at the moment, and if he's going to flipflop like this and fuck with your head he needs to be somewhere else, so you can prepare for the birth and having a newborn without him as a distraction.

janetheimpaler · 14/12/2017 15:27

I don't think that you are responsible. You were both "careless", so he didn't take personal responsibility. He is still doing this, telling you that he can't accept the situation but sharing a bed etc. He needs to be an adult here, make a decision and act accordingly. He is playing with your head.

Lots of us think that we don't want children and then change when we are pregnant. It could be a biological imperative/hormonal but in a crisis pregnancy, the choice is yours. He can't be "careless" and then make the choice for you,

Offred · 14/12/2017 15:27

But you can’t change who he is.

You can only act with integrity towards yourself and your baby.

stitchglitched · 14/12/2017 15:27

OP don't take on all the blame for this. Abortion isn't a reset button and you aren't obliged to put yourself through an unwanted one because of a previous agreement. You are both responsible for this pregnancy and he wasn't exactly caring for his wife when he ejaculated inside you unprotected, knowing he didn't want a baby. I would give him an ultimatum, he gets his act together and gets on board or you separate and can deal with access etc once the baby is here. I would also look into having an alternative birth partner, you need someone who is going to be fully supportive.

Offred · 14/12/2017 15:29

Don’t fall into a caretaking role with him.

If you do this then you and the baby will always be tiptoeing around him waiting for his next episode of dramatic incapability.

Tinselistacky · 14/12/2017 15:31

Would he see a therapist on his own? My dh had an abusive dm, though lovely if wimpy df. Dh said he didn't envisage himself as a df because he didn't feel worthy enough. He struggled with adult relationships, I am his longest at 5 years, married 2 and with a toddler - it was actually his idea to ttc but he was very anxious about being good enough. He was terrified but has turned out to be bloody good at it!!

Wetwashing00 · 14/12/2017 15:34

If you’re still living together as a couple then I suspect he is curious as to how he will feel too.
If he was so dead set against having a baby I’m sure he would’ve buggered off upon seeing a pregnancy test.
He probably doesn’t want to get your hopes up by telling you this, but regardless of why he’s still around.
He did say he didn’t want children, and if he was taking proper precautions to prevent pregnancy then the wait and see option is your best bet. But I’d be prepared for a lot of heartbreak, you’re gonna need a good support network.
Wishing you the best

Offred · 14/12/2017 15:35

His issues with his father, and his idea of himself as a father, are his issues, not yours and not your baby’s.

The priority right now is for you to have a good and safe delivery and to optimise things as much as possible so that you and the baby can have a peaceful and loving first few months.

I don’t believe that you will get that with him living with you TBH. Or with him as the birth partner.

It is a massive risk for you to take - using your labour/delivery/postnatal bonding period as a way to ‘make him see’...

Even if he does get hormonal/experiential based feelings of bonding this will do nothing to actually solve his fundamental issues, which stem from childhood, re fatherhood.

juliettaa · 14/12/2017 15:35

My mother in law is VERY excited. I’ve considered talking to her about his issues but don’t know if she would just run back to him and tell him.

Please don't do that. Your MIL can't possibly know what it was like from her son's perspective as a child and about any issues he may have as a consequence. She'll have her own views which are not relevant in your marriage.

FWIW, I am the female equivalent of your DH. I was physically and emotionally abused by both of my parents. It really clouded by view on so many things, one being having children. I never wavered from the decision and was sterilised in my early 20's. I did wonder why, if your DH was so opposed to having children, he didn't have vasectomy? Bit late now though.

I guess he feels betrayed already so don't make it worse by speaking to his mother about his 'issues'. Speak to him instead Sad

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