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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP PLEASE

112 replies

Jlm12286 · 14/12/2017 14:48

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I’m having a really heartbreaking issue. I’m going to start from the top.

Last year my husband and I had a whirlwind romance, fell in love, and got married VERY quickly. We had both agreed that neither of us wanted kids. We were both happy and content with this decision. My husband comes from an abusive father who he thought was his biological father until he was 12 years old. After his mom left his step dad she devoted everything she had to my husband. Never had another relationship. My husband told me point blank when we talked about how he didn’t want kids that he could not be a husband AND a father. He wanted his wife to be the most important person in the world to him and devote everything to her and if a child was in the picture she couldn’t be that person.

A few months after we married I got pregnant. The first couple weeks I had decided to have an abortion but I woke up the third week and decided I couldn’t do it. It was very easy for me to say that I didn’t want children hypothetically. I meant it. I was fine with it. But once I was faced with an actual life inside of me I couldn’t bring myself to say I didn’t want THIS baby. So here I am almost 37 weeks pregnant.

We’ve had a few big blowouts about it. Are troubles are also financial so that is also very stressful.

My husband says he told me who he was and he told me he could not be both a husband and a father. He says I made my choice and I did not choose us so now he can’t either. He acts as if there is NO fixing it. I personally that once he feels the love of this child and that our lives are not ruined it could change his mind. I love him very much. I really feel a need to help him. I don’t even know where to start to fix this. Any advice would help! Thank you!

OP posts:
Offred · 14/12/2017 19:59

And the issue is not about what either of them ‘should have done’ IMO.

It is about his problematic attitude re what has already happened.

Not wanting a baby, once there is already a pregnancy, is moot. The pregnancy has happened. The parents need to deal with it. Men need to understand that their choice extends only as far as their own contraceptive choices.

Offred · 14/12/2017 20:03

And I note that he missed his appointment for a vasectomy because he was out late - drinking?

So he wanted a vasectomy but prioritised alcohol over it?

IrritatedUser1960 · 14/12/2017 20:07

He sounds terribly creepy and controlling and nasty too.
If he didn't want kids he should have made sure 100% that you couldn't get pregnant, accidents happen.
If you had an abortion against your will you would never have forgiven him.
If he really loved you with all of his heart he would not be able to ditch you just because a baby was in the picture.
It sounds like a lucky escape if you ask me and you will love your child forever. Children are wonderful.
I've had two divorces but my son is the best thing that ever happened to me, I could not be without him.
If he doesn't care about you enough to make this wirj then let him go, it's his choice.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/12/2017 20:12

Im sorry but he sounds horrible. I think you need to focus on you and your baby, it's not your responsibility to fix him.

rainbowskittles · 14/12/2017 20:18

I couldn't love a man like this. Putting you through all this stress when you are full term. It's all him, him, him.

Ellisandra · 14/12/2017 20:29

He has a drink problem.
That's reason enough to leave him, without all the other shit!

He can't be a husband and a father - fine, that's his choice.

Divorce him, let him get on with being a good father.

And you get on with a life without his shit. Whirlwind marriage to a drunk... love, you have only just scratched the surface with how much of a tosser this man is Sad

rainbowskittles · 14/12/2017 20:39

What @Ellisandra said...

Mustang27 · 14/12/2017 20:47

Twiney, please read @stitchglitched posts as to why everything you said needs to be disregarded.

Jobjobjob · 14/12/2017 21:15

Sure, he should have a vasectomy, but most people, men and women, dont go down that extreme route.

But not many people are as extreme as OPs husband is! He should've had the operation taken control and not expected his wife to undergo a medical procedure because of his laxness!

Dsmummy · 14/12/2017 21:36

Oh, massive eye rolls to the people blaming op and implying abortion is basically a quick route that should have been taken.
Abortion is deeply personal, it's not right for everyone.
Op does not have a time machine, the suggestion is redundant.
If he didn't want a baby he had options.
Anyway, 'fantastic, best Dad ever' wouldn't start his child's life by breaking up their family before they had even been born 🙄what a load of twaddle, 'can't be a father and husband'.
It's a load of self indulgent tripe, op I hope you tell him step up or jog on.

oliveinacampervan · 14/12/2017 21:47

Deep down you wanted a baby, you know you did.

Nevertheless, if your DH never wanted children, he should have had a vasectomy, or always used a condom.

Don't envy you. This is not going to end well. You are going to end up a lonely single mother. Thing is, you did know he never wanted children, and you led him to believe YOU didn't.....but you got pregnant and carried on with the pregnancy. I don't blame him for being incandescent with anger.

You led him to believe you never wanted children, and then you 'accidentally' got pregnant, and decided to keep it. As I said, deep down, you deliberately got pregnant.

I really have no advice, but good luck. You are gonna need it.

PsychedelicSheep · 14/12/2017 21:52

‘He sounds terribly creepy and controlling and nasty too’

He really does. He sounds like a spoilt baby.

So many red flags here, the whirlwind romance and fast marriage, wanting to be your only focus and to bogart all of your attention forever more.

user9217 · 14/12/2017 21:53

Op it's all very confusing but him saying he will be a brilliant father but it's cost you a husband is a little fucked up. That means that you are no longer together. Therefore he can move out (as it's "cost you a husband") and you can co parent separately when the baby is born

Offred · 14/12/2017 21:59

Maybe ‘deep down’ he wanted a baby too... 🙄

stitchglitched · 14/12/2017 22:02

Maybe the OP should be incandescent with anger that her husband was too hungover to make his vasectomy appointment, chose to ejaculate in her without a condom and has then proceeded to emotionally abuse her for nearly 40 weeks because she couldn't go through with an abortion. But no, she's too busy growing a human being, worrying about her husband's welfare and needs, and seemingly accepting all the blame for this situation despite the fact that he was equally responsible for it.

He seems to think he can have strong views on this issue and have his wife be the one to go through an unwanted procedure and risk her physical and mental health to accomodate them. He's the one deserving of anger on this situation.

stitchglitched · 14/12/2017 22:08

And how did the OP 'deliberately' get pregnant against the wishes of her partner when he had sex with her without protection? Are we now at the stage of expecting so little of men that even when they willingly have unprotected sex they can claim they've been tricked into parenthood? FFS.

Chippyway · 14/12/2017 22:14

Well yeah, because in many ways its a massive betrayal. And you've put your own needs before whats best for you as a couple

Are you fucking insane?!

She has a BABY growing inside her. A betrayal would’ve been to purposely fall pregnant behind his back - BOTH of them were careless when it came to preventing pregnancy. If you’re gunna be careless don’t be surprised when the woman ends up pregnant.

“What’s best for the couple” changes when there is a baby involved.
Why should the OP have an abortion to please a man who was soooo against having a baby he was careless with contraception?

OP I would tell this man to grow up and fuck off. STOP sleeping in the same bed. STOP cooking for him and stop accepting his meals. If he wants to blame you/the pregnancy then that’s his problem but he doesn’t get to act like a part time husband when it suits him. So he promises to be a decent father - decent fathers don’t treat the mother of their child like this

Fair enough he may not feel ready for a baby. But it’s too late now.

JustAnIdiot · 14/12/2017 22:17

He seems to have a really odd idea that he only has enough love for either a wife or a child.

Unconditional love just stretches to accommodate however many there are.

He is really mixed up & I think more/better counselling is likely to help, if he would accept it.

Good luck OP Smile

BlessYourCottonSocks · 14/12/2017 22:22

This is just ridiculous from him! He says he is going to be a fantastic dad? But that has cost you your husband?

What sort of 'fantastic dad' demands you have an abortion and then refuses to be a husband if you won't?

Completely agree with the PP who says if he's not willing to be a husband then he has to leave - and he can be 'Disney Dad' at weekends if he wants. He needs to seriously grow up.

janetheimpaler · 15/12/2017 00:30

Hi Jim, I hope all of this isn't too shocking for you? I looked back at your original post where you said "I really feel an need to help him". I understand this, but, the sad truth is that you can't help him, he can only decide to help himself. Perhaps, he doesn't want help? perhaps he wants to hold this child over you and control you because you had the cheek to have it? Control may be his thing? He gets to "be a fantastic dad" and verbally and emotionally torment you for not being 100% obedient and for having your child. A child that he is prepared to use to feed his ego, but, not to unconditionally love.

Do you think that he might be controlling? How is he with your good family? Does he need to keep them at arms length? is he threatened by their love of you? Is he happy for you to spend time with your friends and not tell him everything that you talked about? Shortly after he secured you with a wedding ring, he began to use your life choices to make him the victim and put you in the bold corner. A lot of abusers make you feel so sorry for them, that you want to change yourself and the world to take away their pain, and they end up "so sadly" calling the shots.

Original poster
Jlm12286 · 15/12/2017 01:39

Hi! He isn’t controlling in that he tries to control me. He doesn’t mind me being with friends. My family has welcomed him with open arms. He doesn’t care about where I go or any of that. I believe the control issue for him is that he feels I have made it so he is not in control of his own life. I’ve decided it for him and it drives him absolutely crazy.

OP posts:
janetheimpaler · 15/12/2017 02:31

But, you haven't decided it. He contributed to that when he was "careless". You decided to respond to the new position of being pregnant. That's what we all do, imagine that we will respond one way when something happens and when we get there and have a fuller understanding of where we are, respond in an alternative way. He is in control now, he has to make a decision - stay or go. It's a bit like playing chess, I make a move and then you look at the board and make your move. That sounds cold I know, but, it seems that at the moment all of your energy is going towards his angst and what is he giving you?
I'm glad that you have friends and family, call on them for support in the coming weeks. You don't have to tell them anything, just lean on them. Sometimes families feel that they have to be welcoming and they are hoping for the best, but, ready to catch you if you fall.

tobee · 15/12/2017 02:35

But that's still controlling behaviour from him.

tobee · 15/12/2017 02:36

That's addressed to op btw.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 15/12/2017 04:43

He may not be controlling day to day but over this, he is OP genuinely. You have to really tap in to how you feel when he says things like you have lost a husband. He is blaming you when he is 50% to blame. I get that he is angry but he is wrong to take it out on you, he should be ashamed of himself. Even God forbid, you lost the baby now, you still need to get away from him. His thinking is so effed up. He sounds like a whiney teenager. If he took even a tiny amount of responsibility it would be a start. Missing his vas job cos he was out on the lash - sheesh! It's his treatment of you and the baby) now that you need to judge him on, not his apparent messed up childhood.

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